#WTF: Even when I date a chick, I still wind up being the dude.
A few months back, I found myself in a cheeky conundrum; I wanted to have sex, but didn't want to actually have to go through the process of dating someone. I'm on people overload, man. I TALK TO SO MANY PEOPLE BEING IN THE OFFICE, and then going out, and the IDEA of then having to talk about what I JUST experienced on a daily basis to another living being is my equivalent of personal hell.
#Fact: I've been stalked for the last four and a half years ... and I'm going to tell my story LOUDLY
There are two very serious criminal investigations happening right now.
One is my case of gang stalking, and the other involves someone I worked with for 4 1/2 years and was co-founder of two of his companies.
I was his right hand and built the company with him from day two.
Well, that is until he fired me. Twice.
#TrueStory: I was interviewed in a murder investigation (and cried in front of Katie Couric and Will.I.Am telling them about it)
It's easy for me to be angry at everything right now. It's easy for me to withdraw. It's easy for me to cry myself to sleep. What wasn't easy was PUBLICLY crying (particularly in front of someone I consider adjacent to "idol" territory).
#ThatAmazingMomentWhen: I got stopped at TSA because of my dildo ... (did I mention this happened twice?)
By the time he began unzipping (this was only as far as he had gotten at this point), I paused him.
"Sir, I would like to go to the additional screening room," I said loudly.
One, because I'm pretty certain he was hard of hearing and two, because I wanted to be firm.
He looked confused at my request.
"This isn't for me," I explained. "It's for you."
#TrueStory: I took one of my childhood idols as my date to her own movie screening at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery
Never one to back down from a dream or goal I want to accomplish, I clicked CONTACT Cinespia's page typing into the form that I wanted to attend with one of the stars of the film and wondered if there were any tickets left.
Emphasis on "wanting" to attend.
Yes, Rachel and I are legit friends, and I planned on inviting her ... but I also hadn't gotten that far yet and had ZERO confirmation if she would even be okay with this. All I had texted her up until this point was asking if she was available on that night (which she was).
#TBT: That time I accidentally met Robin Williams ... while stalking @EnriqueIglesias
I then walked off the elevator and into the pool area sans any sort of guard or checkin (like she promised).
When you're crashing something, all you have to do is look like you have a deliberate purpose. I couldn't just walk in and ask "WHERE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE?" I had to play it cool, and first act like I belonged there.
#RealDeal: What's your fantasy (that time I catfished a celebrity only to be catfished myself the next day)?
Wanting to shake things up a bit, I asked if he was any good at skeeball.
"I don't know how to play," he admitted.
"Let me teach you," I said.
Six games, a 100 point rim shot, and 380 score later, the student had become the master.
#RealDeal: I went to prom and took molly in front of Moby
I then quickly slid the loose wristband off and walked back outside. Pro tip: when a bouncer of any kind is putting on a wristband, explain to them you feel "claustrophobic" if it's on too tight. When it's loose, you can slide it right off your wrist and pass it to someone else. Before you pass it though, make sure you say "one second, I'll be right back" to the security guard so they have a visual memory of you and you can reenter sans the band. It doesn't work every time, but 9/10, you're good.
#RealDeal: 50 Shades of Friel (that time I became a FinDomme)
... got kicked out of a (coincidentally) crypto-event-based happy hour ... tried talking my way out of it (with a full plate of every food they were offering at the buffet later) ... epically failed ... only to walk back over to the table and ask my friends confused wondering "what gave me away?" My new "girlfriend" and I happened to be stopped by a group of guys as we were leaving, so I wondered if security thought we were "working the event?"
Considering our happy hour tab was SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARSI kinda wish I was "working it."(We had a big group but not SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS big.) Only not selling my body for sex. Cause, that's kinda not my thing. BUT I was a findomme once. And yes, that actually IS a thing.
#RealDeal: The boomerang effect of boundaries (its been six years, I'm super okay with you not being in my life anymore dude)
I'm sad that I have to write this post.
I'm sad that I had to write the letter that I wrote.
I'm sad that I'm sad but I accept that.
Besides, I've learned in my old age that it's what I do next that counts ...