#NerdsUnited: I got engaged during the apocalypse!
This life experience is SO "on brand" ... it's ... it's ...
For the last twenty months, I have been happily and lovingly in a relationship that I didn't talk about on this blog nor in social media. We have plenty of pictures posted together, and when I'd meet up with friends of the site, I'd tell them if they asked who I was dating ... I had nothing to hide. (He's the one referenced as my best friend in posts, because he actually is!)
I spent 10 years documenting life & specifically dating - I'm very proud of that fact.
I'm also a social scientist who tests different theories and questions I have about said life.
This was something that after 7,500 blog posts - I hadn't done before ... and who woulda thunk that it actually worked!
We got engaged on April 1st ... which is not only April Fool's day ... but this year it's April Fool's day DURING THE APOCALYPSE ....
... AND ... also our recently passed dog's birthday.
You're still the best boy ever Buster Brown!!! <3
We lost Buster Brown very suddenly earlier this year (the loss is still devastating). He was put down on my fiancee's birthday, so since Buster bogarted his birthday, he decided to repay the favor by bogarting his!!
... but with love and not death!!
Speaking of doing something I haven't tried before, this post is going to be written not just from my perspective, but from my fiancee's as well.
Have you noticed I can't stop using that word ...
Wait, where are my manners ...
Nerds, meet (lets call him) Jefe.
Jefe, (you can't see them all) but you can thank all of these amazing nerds for their support in my journey to find you.
Isn't he handsome? Handsome AND weird.
... that is a photo I took of him casually hanging out on a rooftop drinking a martini last week.
.... this is a photo he took of me (upon the realization that I accidentally matched the art deco decor).
... neither instances were costume parties ... we just take life and having fun aggressively serious.
See this face? That is some seriously aggressive fun we are having.
These are three of my favorite photos from that day (they actually hang in our apartment).
I was walking out of the restroom @ the Frolic room & snapped Jefe's album cover ...
I styled the outfits and Buster & Jefe shared the lion's mane at the punk version of the yellow brick road for our family photo ...
Buster HATED me for these photos, but now thankfully, we can cherish them (as he's no longer here).
Shut up already, onto the post.
Rules: Before writing this, I outlined a series of neutral questions about the engagement that we independently and then collectively answered. I wanted an honest piece on what this life experience was like from both perspectives.
Maestro ...
Q: Did you always know you wanted to get married?
Jefe: Up until 40- then I determined I just wanted a partner and if marriage was a deal breaker for her then yes I’d happily agree.
Jen: "Yes, but marriage wasn't a placeholder. I was happy when I was single. I was happy in my relationship. I am happy now that I’m engaged. I’m not someone who saw marriage as an achievement to unlock. I knew in 2018 (and spoke often of it in writing) I was at a place where I was ready to meet “the one." (Which btw took eight years of self work - that two years later still hasn't ended.)
What I didn’t know was that on said first date WITH THE ONE ... I didn't recognize him.
My report card back from our first date was "great guy not my guy" ... but I'll be his wing woman at parties!
Yeah, that also didn't happen ... BUT I DID MEAN IT!"
I'm a very intentional person and I REALLY DID MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOUR MONTHS AFTER THIS WAS TAKEN!
Q: How did you know that this was the person you were ready to spend the rest of your life with?
Jefe:Simply it’s the ease. The ease at how we communicate, how we make love, how we laugh, how we adventure, how we surprise each other. In a word ‘ease’.
Jen: I'd agree with ease. It's without a doubt the easiest relationship I've ever been in but I think that's just because we are a blend of opposites attract meet similar morals and integrity. (We say "please and thank you" to each other at least 20 times a day. You'd be surprised how something so small actually isn't.)
Jefe is an ENFP male and I'm an INTJ female. He didn't take the test until a month or so ago, but we are THE DEFINITION OF SOUL MATES - it's pretty awesome actually.
Here's our compatibility chart ...
Having this as the baseline was a plus, but in terms of the rest of our lives - it was one specific adventure.
In January 2019, we had gone to Joshua Tree with our friends and I saw how seriously he took not only the people he loves (and what those relationships mean to him), but also the characters he creates. He is HANDS DOWN one of the best impersonators I have ever seen/heard. He can develop a character on the spot that's brilliant ... it's ... complex ... dynamic - AND HE COMMITS TO IT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY/EVENING.
The cab driver was so impressed with our outfits he asked for a picture. He said we were the "weirdest people in Yucca Valley" which is quite the accomplishment!His commitment to costumes, creativity and love was a serious panty dropper in whatever outfit this is that I'm wearing.
Q: What was it like waking up on April 1st?
Jefe: I was relatively calm, which gave me pause, but since I had to focus on logistics it helped keep my mind off what was about to happen.
Jen: I knew I was going to marry Jefe in January of 2019. Every day after that trip until April 1st of this year was held in some sort of surprise of "is he going to do it today?" Mind you, not like a psycho, but I knew what I knew, and if he had asked me to go to the courthouse the Monday after our trip - I would have said yes.
He realized how serious I was about four months later .... when I still wouldn't shut up about it .... and instead of brushing it aside, he offered for us to get dressed up and go to an opulent setting where we would discuss our past, present, and future goals.
We then went to the Biltmore in downtown LA and laid our cards on the collective-soon-to-hopefully-be-married table.
We discussed our finances, children, and family dynamic from both a wish and "current state" perspective.
(It helps to have serious discussions in a neutral setting. Good or bad. When we have an argument we try the best we can to keep it outside of the house. Doesn't always work, but we're intentional about it.)
His suggestion was not only a terribly romantic thing that I suggest doing with your partner, but it also made things very clear in terms of what our future looks like.
As a strategist, I feel safe and secure when I understand where someone is coming from. I don't want to have to think about all the other options, and if he was truly the man of his word that I knew he was, his actions would prove it.
In terms of marriage, I said, "I would like to be engaged before the end of the year and married next (meaning engaged in 2019 and married in 2020)."
He agreed, and in that moment, we accidentally unlocked another intimacy achievement.
There was a power not only in saying those words out loud, but knowing that they were heard. I've never said the sentence "I want to get engaged this year and married next."
I knew we were similar, I just didn't realize HOW similar until that moment - which made me feel even closer to the man I already knew I was going to marry.
Q: What were the logistics in executing the proposal? Did anything surprise you?
Jefe: First, making Jen think the whole day was her idea. I planted several seeds in the months leading up. I knew she’d want to celebrate Buster’s bday, I knew she’d think Griffith Park would be epic, I knew she’s been wanting to use the picnic backpack her brother gave her for Christmas. I knew that our favorite wine and cheese stop was still open (with social distancing) - so we were good.
What surprised me was that I kept thinking I needed to hide the champagne, to the point that I hid a bucket in my trunk days earlier- thinking I’d ice the champagne secretly in the trunk and sneak it to the picnic. After going to the pharmacy I was waiting in line at the sandwich shop and thought ‘crap I didn’t get ice at the pharmacy’ then thought- ‘wait a minute- the champagne can be to toast Buster’ this was my first hint that I wasn’t thinking clearly."
Jen: On Buster's last day, we gave him chocolate, took him to Griffith Park for one last stroll and a solid pee, and then sang (a very off key version of) "We Are Family." Considering we were under a "stay at home order" (except for parks at this point), I knew it was a way we could honor someone who meant so much to both of us on his birthday, while also being safe. I had no other involvement in planning but I respect that he let me plan that part. Previously, I had also asked that before he proposes, he:
1) asks for my father's permission
2) gets down on one knee (you'd be surprised how many people don't because it hasn't been communicated to them that that's what their partner wants)
3) makes sure I have a manicure.
I wanted to be surprised in the proposal. I didn't want to know, and I didn't want to plan. I just had to trust and surrender which was BRUTALLY hard having the realization that this was the man that I was going to marry and waiting all those months later for it to happen on his terms.
I couldn't "force" him into it, NOR WOULD I WANT TO!!!
<tangent> There are two honest questions you have to ask yourself as a dater:
1) Do you want to get married? 2) Do you want to have children? If the answer is yes, to one or either than you have your answer independent of anyone else. Some people don't want to get married and don't want kids. Totally understandable. I'm a breeder and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids and didn't want to get married.
Loving this man and wanting to marry him also meant respecting his timeline and wishes (and again based on the wishes we outlined in our soon-to-hopefully-be-married-meeting).
Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.
Let me repeat that for the boys in the back ...
Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.
I would have left him if he didn't propose. I had a timeline in my head but FORTUNATELY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! </tangent>
Q: How did the proposal happen?
Jefe: After setting up the picnic, we cheersed sparkling rose to Buster’s picture then I pretended to take photos of Jen, knowing full well I had to get her so stand up so I could get on one knee (per her request), and since she had her mickey ears on and appreciates my photography I knew she wouldn’t suspect a thing when I told her to stand so I could get her silhouette against the sunlight.
I had already placed the ring box in my hand and as soon as she stood up I said, shaking, “Will you Jennifer and Dorothy Friel marry me?”
Even during the proposal he not only proposed to Jennifer (my first name) but he also proposed to Dorothy (my middle name and also) my bitchy neuveau riche alter ego.
Jen: We arrived at Griffith Park shortly before 5:20 (the time Buster passed) and began setting up the picnic.
I could tell how nervous Jefe was, but I couldn't figure out why.
I even asked on the car ride over, but didn't push since everything in life feels tense right now.
He then poured two glasses of sparkling rose (my favorite) as we cheersed Buster.
He initiated the toast as we raised our glasses, "to Buster Brown for helping the love of my life learn to love."
We then kissed as I thought that was terribly sweet.
Then without pause, breath, or even a sip of his champagne, he started taking pictures.
Here is what he shot ...
The lighting happened to be pretty epic as it was golden hour.
He went in this half circle around me pretending to take more pictures but this was the last one he took ...
You can see on my face I had no idea what he was doing.
I then heard him say, "can you please ... stand ... up ..." in a language that sounded close to English but not the way I've heard anyone say it before.
Without thought, just focusing on how cool the ears looked with the shadow effect, I stood up and saw him down on one knee holding an open box I had never seen before.
Now, normally, this is where the girl puts her hand over her mouth and goes "OMG I AM SO SURPRISED."
We've all seen the face ...
... THE SAME EXACT FACE IN EVERY PROPOSAL SCENE EVER ...
... my face wasn't that.
My face looked more like this ...
I was definitely surprised to see the ring we had picked out together (I have very specific taste and wanted to make it part of our journey to find it together), and was totally surprised with how well planned/thought out everything was ... I just couldn't fully HEAR exactly what he had asked me.
He said the words, "Jennifer and Dorothy Friel will you marry me?" so quickly it sounded like a sneeze.
I laughed realizing this was "the big moment ... the one little girls dream of their whole lives" and I was surprisingly caught off guard with how little this was about me.
The proposal is about the person doing the proposing - my only job was to say yes to the person I already want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's the proposed's job beforehand to make sure they communicate the basics of "how" they want it done (I'm REALLY thankful we did that with our intention setting and had continued marriage conversations) but also then let the person be. Give them the space to figure out the "where's and the when;" I only had three rules.
Obviously, I said yes, and as he got up from one knee, he put the ring on while saying "THANK GOD ITS THE RIGHT ONE."
Knowing this was the ring I picked out, I was a little confused.
Pushing that aside we then sat back down and made out for an appropriate amount of "WE JUST GOT ENGAGED" TIME!
I was really happy that he didn't video it, nor did anyone clap or celebrate us at all. We were around a bunch of meat heads working out without their gym during the apocalypse. ABSOLUTELY no one cared - which made it extra special to me how intimate the whole thing was and that Buster was involved (since it was his love that allowed me to have space to love Jefe as much as I do).
Q: What happened after the proposal?
Jefe: We took photos and called our families to share in the good news while everyone around us remained L.A. cool pretending not to notice us.
Jen: After we made out, I went into immediate detective/ scientist/ analyst mode. I asked him how he felt waking up this morning? See, he woke up KNOWING he was about to propose. I woke up knowing it was our dog's birthday and we were going to go to a park. Obviously we were both over the moon with how the day ended, but only he knew what was going to happen.
"Yeah," he said, "but I didn't know if you were going to say yes."
I laughed saying, "could you imagine if I said no and then we had to awkwardly go back to our apartment living in a quarantine together for the next however long?"
I pressed, also "what did you mean when you were surprised that the ring fit?"
"They mixed up the order when I went to pick up the ring. The attendant wasn't the brightest crayon in the box and forgot to write down your size on the receipt. She only had the work order and number for the actual ring - not the size (and now there were two of the exact same ring in different sizes).
Only you knew the size and I had a 50/50 chance of guessing accurately. I'm just glad I guessed right."
I can't say I'd care that he got the wrong size but it would be horrible timing during a quarantine to try and get a jewelry shop to open because they gave you the wrong size.
Comical, but most likely wouldn't have happened and definitely wouldn't have made shouting this phrase nearly as fun ...
"Do you like the box?" he asked. "I got it on Etsy! It was really hard to get it delivered with all the delay timing with packages now."
Another surprise for the day I thought as I said ... "you know what Etsy is?"
See, "our" symbol for love is the hexagon.
The hexagon is the most powerful geometric shape in the universe. You can read more about it here.
From my perspective, I couldn't BELIEVE the attention to detail. Who thinks of putting the ring in a meaningful box too?!? Everything was so "authentically us," I couldn't have imagined it happening any other way on any other day.
We then Facetimed our family and close friends ... they didn't know we were screenshotting them but these reactions are PRICELESS!!
My little sister Linds seriously needs to do reaction videos.
The best part of the day was seeing people we love be SO happy during a time when so many other things quite frankly aren't.
Q: Did anyone’s reaction surprise you?
Jefe: No.
Jen: No. Our families and friends all get along super well and were SO happy for us.
I mean this is a photo and meme created by AND OF my future mother in law ...
I've waited my whole life for a mother-in-law like this!!
Q: Does anything feel different now that you are engaged?
Jefe: No.
Jen: Yes. He honored his commitment not only to me and our relationship but also to himself. There's a lot of verbal dicking in dating and this isn't that.
Two emotionally available people continue to work on themselves and each other while living and loving in a healthy relationship.
Oh yeah and my engagement ring fits snug around the glove we have to wear during the apocalypse. I have to fix it every time I go outside which is a reminder that ...
Q: Is there anything you would change looking back? And or would you have done anything differently?
Jefe: Not at all, however I do wish Jen’s expectation of me proposing on NYE hadn’t occurred because I still feel her embarrassment and disappointment from that.
Jen: Remember this part of the post "loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact?" I thought when we set our intentions he was going to propose sometime before the end of the year (meaning 2019). Our families had also just met and spent Christmas together.
Like I said earlier, everyone got along SO well and over and over and over I heard "when is he going to propose?" I didn't have an answer, I knew it wasn't going to be on that trip (as we had talked about it before) - but come NYE we were set to spend it with our very dear and loved friends doing what we call an Art Night (where we get access to Pollution Studios in downtown and basically turn it into a Fantasy Factory).
It's one of my favorite spaces on the planet and while I was disappointed he waited until THE ABSOLUTE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR - I was happy that he was finally proposing (and what a perfect place to have it)!
Before the evening began, I grabbed our journal (we co-journal together because we're writers and bond over that shit) and wrote him a note to read after the fact.
I'll keep the details private but it was a pre-thank you letter for the rest of our lives.
Mind you during this art night, we both had the realization that Buster's health was fading dramatically.
He had so many health issues over the years, I just assumed this was another one of his battles we'd be fighting together - and unfortunately he physically couldn't fight anymore.
We spent the night at the studio (being smart and not wanting to drive) - and after some breakfast I realized how angry I was and that I needed time to cool down.
(He didn't know I was upset because I didn't know how to process that we had set these intentions and from my perspective they weren't upheld.)
We physically grabbed Buster placing him in the car and then set up a fort to relax as a family.
We make an actual fort in the living room and watch TV - it's super sweet actually.
Halfway into the first movie, I started to cry.
Assuming it was about Buster, Jefe placed his arms around me.
With every ounce of my own personal strength, I asked "why didn't you propose? We set our intentions."
"What do you mean why didn't I propose?" he asked.
This is when I physically stood up a bit and said, "you weren't even THINKING about proposing?"
Mind you as all of this is happening there is a dog that will be dead in less than 24 hours in between us inside our fort.
I continued with even more tear filled eyes, "how are we so far off base that I thought you were going to propose and you weren't even THINKING ABOUT IT?!"
I then thought about whether or not I should show him the note I had written the night before.
I even wrote the line "if you don't I'm going to tear this page out and you won't know I thought this."
I questioned what the stronger choice would be.
This was a VERY vulnerable and embarrassing moment for me personally.
Considering especially that communication is our strongest suit!! That's our THING!!! It's what we do best!!!!
Shying away from it didn't seem like the right thing to do.
If this is to be "my person" shouldn't they see you for who you are not who you are pretending to be.
"I didn't know you meant getting engaged by the end of last year. I thought you meant a year from when we set the intentions (meaning April of THIS year)."
I then went into the other room and grabbed the journal.
I read it to him line by line thanking him for the beginning of the rest of our lives and thanking him for our love and how much I love him.
"I meant every word," I said with even more tear stained cheeks and the reality that the look he was giving was one I had never seen before.
He was so hurt.
Not by me but for me.
It was an honest miscommunication but I held onto his word in that intention- setting it as his honor.
In A year and in THISyear are definitely close, but in that moment, I was more proud of the fact that I felt even closer to the man I already loved.
Not because something was his "fault" but because it was one of the most intimate moments of my life and we shared it together.
In that one moment, I loved myself SO much that I was willing to risk LOSING the love of my life if he wouldn't honor what he said he would.
That person is a very different person than the one that started this blog searching for love.
It took finding the love of my life to realize it was inside me all along.
Hello love, it's nice to finally meet you.
... and I've had you tattooed on my wrist for a REALLY long time.
