#Confession: I had sex with a married man (and btw, I don't regret it) - Part 2
No intro needed. Click here to read PT 1
Maestro ...
Our intermittent messages continued. I love to learn and have my hands in a lot of projects, so I used work and my schedule as a reasoning for lack of communication. I was afraid to tell him that I was questioning him, myself, and the value I place in the sanctity of marriage.
One aspect of my personality that people often get wrong is that I seem like I "jump" into things. I don't jump into anything, I'm calculated crazy.I just so happen to have a super fast processor, so it never takes me long to make a decision, and I stand by which ever way the wind blows. I've never believed in regrets, only learning experiences.
I joke that I live in my own little world, but now I was truly beginning to feel like an alien. I've taken great pride in my morals, not because of how they are reflected on other people, but based upon my own reflection in the mirror that I see every morning. What would that next morning feel like? Next week? Would I look the same?
Having been IN THOSE SHOES with being cheated on, it affected my self-esteem, my body physically. Sure on the other hand it launched this website, but it doesn't mean it was a life experience I would ever wish upon my worst enemy. (I did a year and a half ago meet up with said guy again. That was ... well, what it was.)
When a girlfriend of mine has been cheated on, I've warned them to keep me away from the guy. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've cussed a guy out (sometimes ... come to think of it most of the time publicly). Loyalty is something I carry deep in my heart, and here I was branding myself to be a hypocrite.
<tangent> Even growing up, my parents met in grade school and have been together their ENTIRE lives. I am the product of a loving marriage (albeit one that takes work, but apparently all marriages do). I come from a super old school Irish-Catholic Connecticut family!! Outside of murdering someone, adultery is right up there on the big guy upstairs' list of things one shalt not do!!! </tangent>
Not recognizing who or what I was becoming, I talked to a select few about my dick dilemma, and each one carried their own colorful commentary.
"You always surprise me Jen with what you're up to, but never did I suspect you would want to put yourself in a situation where you're the sexual equivalent of 'Make a Wish.' Out of all of the people to be with, why this guy?"
"I don't know. I keep asking myself the same question."
The messages continued ...
I did my best to keep it "friendly." The last thing I wanted to do was lead this guy on. I knew I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and that left me in this weird sexual limbo of wanting to be fair to both him and myself.
While most of his messages (during this time) involved various fantasies he was curious to explore, I deliberately kept my shares work related. (Somewhere along the way I developed that skill where people think you're sharing something about yourself, but you're really not. The worst thing you can ever say to someone is "I can't tell you this ..." or "don't push this button!")
I then texted that I closed a deal - and no, it wasn't the same deal he was looking to close ...
Two MORE weeks passed, and I still hadn't arrived at my decision. I had already decided that I was attracted to him both mentally and physically, but I wasn't sure if that was enough.
One thing that was winning him HUGE brownie points was his honesty and openness to discuss what he's explored and wanted to explore sexually ...
Paging Dr. Freud ...
A few years back, I made a rule with partners in terms of boundaries; anything goes as long as it doesn't involve kids, the elderly, disabled, or animals. Anything else? Full throttle. We all have fetishes. Hello! porn has categories for a reason! What I've learned about intimacy is that it begins the moment you're willing to share those fetishes/fantasies with another person. Naturally, once you start sharing (if your partner is not a cold hearted asshole) you pretty quickly realize how sexuality is like an onion. It's layered, sometimes can make you cry, and can be chopped into little pieces and caramelized to deliciousness.
Wait are we still talking about sex? Or am I now thinking about cooking ... tangent, Friel tangent. Fetishes, yes!
Fingers crossed that one day I find a guy that has a thing for Mario. I REALLY want to wear this costume again ...
My 30th birthday party was so. much. fun.
Out of all of the adventures from Talk Nerdy V.1.0 there was one piece of advice I specifically go back to. I received it from a Vegas taxi cab driver named "Lucky." (I wound up doing a ride along with him between 4-6 am during CES. I got kicked out of a casino for sleeping, and he said it wasn't safe for me to walk around alone.) I asked him how he felt safe doing his line of work (which was equally funny considering Lucky himself spent over a decade in prison for an assault charge - people really open up to me quickly).
He turned and said, "you know the people I fear the most?"
"Who," I asked.
"You, the people I pick up at the massage parlors at 4am and drop off at the convention center at 6am. Murderers, rapists, crack heads - you know where they stand. You people though, you're the worst - your insanity is repressed, THAT is dangerous."
I have a deep deep respect for people that are willing to not only admit what they want, but also go after it.
He was doing both.
Reaching the end of what I viewed as a fair period of time to still be milling over a decision, I asked one final person for advice. He is the founder of my company, and I'd say in the top three of people I highly respect on this planet.
We had lit up a J in the back alley outside of the office, as we began shooting the shit. (We were friends before I started with this company. Technically, I was hired for another project then fired [but stayed friends] and then rehired again for his next venture.)
"I haven't made a decision about having sex with the married man." (I had told him one other time in passing about my new night night buddy.)
"You know one of the things I learned in prison (he has an utterly fascinating story - read this article) is that people don't regret what they do. Locked up, everyone talked about all of the things they regretted not doing - they didn't necessarily hold any regret for what got them in there in the first place."
I sucked the J, and as I blew out the smoke I knew what was coming ...
The planning the next day was intense. He had to put his phone in airplane mode, to be truly "off the grid." My directions had to be CRYSTAL clear.
Fortunately, they were and 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door.
I took a moment before answering. For a split second I thought about all of those corny memes people post in social media ...
I hadn't just passed comfort zone, I was past Guam, Mars, and currently circling Uranus.
I was scared. Not of him, but of who I was going to be after this.
Come in (pun intended), I said, it's open.
He entered, quietly placing his bag on the floor (his cover was that he was going to the gym). For my part, I purposefully didn't wear perfume (incase it transferred over).
I sat on the ottoman to my big oversized love-seat. I thought the couch was a bit too inviting. The chair felt safe. The ottoman, even safer.
He sat down wondering if I was going to make a move. Frozen like a deer in headlights, I just sat there. Stone cold emotionless face (not intentional, it's just what happens when I get like that).
I'm PAINFULLY awkward with any type of flirting.
He asked if I was okay, and I think I replied with a yep, or uh huh - I can't say I remember anything other than being frozen.
He then leaned into kiss me. Soft and gentle at first like a grade school peck.
He quickly graduated to an 8th grade make out (including tongue). Followed by a hand behind my head as my body moved backwards onto the chair.
Buster then made some sort of noise which spooked him. "Let's go in your bedroom," he said.
"Uh okay, yep," I think I said.
We then undressed. Not in like a sexy way where one partner pulls the clothes off the other - we undressed like you would if you were going to the doctor.
He neatly placed his clothes in a pile, as I sat on the bed and discussed what I was into (finally).
Oh yeah, remember before when I said I couldn't even talk dirty in bed? Those days are long gone. I am an absolute freak and fluent in fucking.
I knew what I wanted, and I was very willing to go over the play by play.
He listened and respected while fulfilling one of his own desires ...
Personally, I've never been a huge fan of oral. I love the concept - a lot, and maybe it was the guys I had been with, but I find myself 90% of the time wondering how long they're going to be down there, and then I'll catch myself reviewing my laundry list of things I still need to do during the day. It's not at all an insult to them, it's just a matter of fact observation of how far I live in my head, even while getting head.
He laid me down on my bed, as he stood up then bending over to an uh, appropriate level as he began the introduction to my ...
and after a certain amount of time (I was enjoying myself too much to even contemplate time), I received an introduction of my own ...
Then a second introduction was made, followed closely by a third.
Scared there was another one in there, I just laid back trying to breathe.
"That was amazing," I said.
Thank you, he said beaming with pride.
Not fulfilling his Princess Pillow Fetish, I returned the favor, and we each let out our inner Rick James.
He then quietly unfolded his neatly placed clothes and got dressed. Still unable to talk, I laid there indicating he could show himself out.
I wasn't intentionally being rude, I was just also trying to process what I had just experienced and needed a moment by myself.
Sometime when I was able to move, I checked my email and saw that he had messaged. I replied ...
Continuing the night night trend, he also messaged on KIK ...
I had to stop focusing on getting ahead to get out of my head, and into receiving head.
I knew I could learn from this guy, but I didn't realize I'd end up learning so much more about myself. I had sex without expectation. There were no labels attached to either of us, and no "hey maybe we can do this again." I was perfectly content in that moment, and present enough to gift myself with the ultimate pleasure (multiple times).
In my 20s, when I had one night stands, I never knew they were one night stands. I didn't lead with sex, but I would have sex thinking it would lead to something.
Yeah, doesn't happen.
Now, I'm so far on the other end of the spectrum, and I'm not sure that's the best place to be either.
The next week, I went to San Francisco for an insurance conference, and wound up saying the second sentence I DEFINITELY never thought I would say ...
"I met someone ... at an insurance conference."
He's an actuary, and without a doubt one of the most attractive men I had ever seen.
He's a combo of Collin Farrell and Gerard Butler.
My company had a sponsorship at the conference, and as I was demoing our drone capabilities he came up and just stood there. He didn't ask a single question, he didn't stare awkwardly, he just waited.
It took about 20 minutes for the crowd to die down, yet there he was ... still waiting!
Still in business mode, I asked him what he did.
He explained that he's an actuary (I had no idea what that meant at the time), and he lives in Los Angeles.
Woah, I said, me too.
He then sat down, and we chatted for over an hour before he had to catch his flight. I found out that he's into extreme sports and is a "wild man" of sorts.
Dude, not only was this guy absolutely smoking, but he was smart, AND he's not the typical GQ LA "don't get me dirty" kinda guy? Who the fuck are you and when are we making babies??
When we both got back to LA he took me out on our first date (at a book store). ::awwww::
I quickly forgot all about my night night buddy, even though the emails kept coming in. One right after the other, I didn't respond.
Then, I realized I was being an asshole and I needed to "adult" and explain what was going on.
And that was the end of that!
Oh, and the super hot insurance guy? We dated for a month, and equally had OUT.OF.THIS.WORLD. experiences because he was hung like a ...
At the end of the day, our travel schedules couldn't make it work (I was traveling about every other week at that time), and so was he. Great guy, not my guy.
When all was said and (literally) done, I didn't go back to my night night buddy. There was nothing to go back to! I intuitively knew I was going to learn something from him (although never in a million years expected that), and I did. I allowed myself to have an awakening of sorts, and when I look in the mirror I don't see an "adulterer" or a scarlet letter.
I just see Jen. A little bit older, maybe a little bit wiser (debatable), but definitely one hell of a fucking freak, and I'm okay with that.
For now ...
until the next adventure ...
