#DatingDetox: Living the "let go" mentality & appreciating abundance

NSFLLife

Feb 6

Wow, what an insanely busy week and some change now this has all been. Lots of eye opening results with an offset of some seriously droopy eyes.

So, as you all know by now, I have been on a 30 day dating detox. It stemmed from the understanding that to get to the place that I wanted to be in with a duderino, I had to become it myself. I've done absolutely EVERYTHING anyone can think of dating wise (fuck buddies,being a domme, threesomes, orgies, kissing girls, the whole 103 dates in 9 months thing), but what I had yet to explore was a true sense of self. What am I putting out there for these men? How am I presenting myself and is it in line with the type of men I am hoping to attract?

Running this website and being a chick that uses and documents experiences in online dating means that I am never long for company - but I never took a step back and thought about what all of that meant.

My life choices have greatly impeded a handful of really great guys from wanting to get involved with me, and it took me all this time to get to this place where I was finally able to put on my big girl pants and accept that fact and accept my actions.

I then gave myself a series of next doable actions so my brain and ego could process and adjust.

<tangent> This is a great way b.t.dubs, to allow divine inspiration to come through you. Your noggin will always want to over analyze and question things. That's the human condition. Period end of sentence. It's your job to learn how to rise about that noise. Think of it like a magic act. You're told to look one way while in the other direction something magically appears. Inspiration and spiritual progression operate on a misdirection based paradigm. It hits you when you're not looking and as this little inspired thought that comes from a place you could never describe. I digress ... </tangent>

Last week I went back home to take care of some family sch-tuff. My parents were both not only so proud of everything I have accomplished (especially recently! dudes, USAToday quote AND Huffington Post/ AOL interview in just a matter of days!!) but also of my current state of mind.

I've never seen you like this before, said my mom. Your energy is so different right now. You glow, and you're so happy.

I KNOW I admitted back. I've stopped focusing on "getting a dude" and started to take care of myself again. Something I had been lacking in the last three years of hustling and launching this brand.

My mom then stared down at my necklace.

You need to get rid of that coin. It's not good for you to still hold on to him, she said.

<tangent>Remember Antonio? Well, on one of his many adventures in kidnapping me he took me shopping and bought (among clothing since I had literally nothing to wear) a coin necklace. The chain was too short for my taste so I put it on this charm necklace I had from my grandmother. See picture below:

While he didn't understand what it was that I did or why it mattered to me, I told him that in a practice of my commitment to intimacy I would never tell anyone where this came from and that anytime he saw me wearing it he would know that I was thinking of him.

Obvi, things between him and I didn't end well, but I still held onto the coin.

I'm funny in the sense that I don't like owning a lot of things, but the few things that I do have (especially jewelry pieces) I keep and wear for sentimental purposes. Every piece is very deliberate and has been a gift from someone that meant something to me.

This coin not only represented the love that I had for Antonio, but this honest relief that I wasn't a socio/psychopath.

For reals, on an empathy scale I was scared I was somewhere around Dexter level. I've gone out on literally hundreds of dates in the last few years and only felt any sort of compassion for less than 5. That's not normal.

I've discovered that this makes me a classic ENTJ but the processing of it all was extreme.

Keeping my commitment to Antonio, (regardless of how things ended between us) I hadn't told a single soul what the coin represented. It wasn't until Christmas when I saw my parents that I actually confessed the truth.

Who gave this to you? Asked my dad as he touched the coin.

Antonio, I admitted.

Both of my parents shot me a look that read, "what are you thinking daughter?"

It's not because of him though that I still wear it, I backtracked. I like it because it reminds me of this time where I was in love.

How is that not holding onto him? asked my dad.

It's not!! I said. It's just the reminder. </tangent>

You need to get rid of that, said my mother.

I shot back at her saying again, that it wasn't about the person but for love in general.

I then traveled back home Monday evening and by the time my bag hit the floor of my room I. was. exhausted.

Not wanting to go to bed too early though (to adjust my time clock back to California time), I decided to turn on the TV and catch up on some of my DVR recordings.

Sometime around midnight I started to fall asleep and decided to call it a night.

As I stood up from the couch the charm necklace swung back and practically hit me in the face. I was so depleted from traveling and work in general that I didn't put much thought or effort into what happened but instead just placed one hand on the necklace noticing that one of the charms was gone.

I looked down and saw the coin resting on the couch.

I started laughing thinking the universe just manifested what my mother had just told me.

I then thought about my day and how much activity transpired.

If that necklace had just fallen off somewhere in an airport I would have been devastated. It not only fell off now, when I was home and able to catch it falling, but the dynamic also gave me a choice.

I don't have to put this back on, I thought.

My brain then bounced to my new feather mentality.

I need to let all of it go, I thought. Be like the feather and be grateful for the experience but revert back to a place of tranquility, beauty, and total freedom.

And just like that, I left the coin off.

In fact, I'm not even wearing the necklace at all ...

(Something I haven't done since I got it.)

A new chapter means a new everything, I thought.

I held onto Romeo for eight years, and now I need to welcome this new chapter of extreme gratitude and appreciation for people just for existing. I need to learn how to float more and not grasp onto these people like they're the be all and end all. It's crazy how I am around so many people every day but the handful that make a impression make an EXTREME one and I never want to lose them from my life.

The disconnect comes from the fact that we're all insular beings and we all have our own shiznat going on. We cross paths when there is like energy and it is my current mission to focus on self and on only those things that are going to allow me to grow into the future and not dwell on the past.

So now that the coin is gone what have I done?

I put on some more of my family pieces to reflect some SERIOUS bling bling.

I've always been slightly awkward with the amount of diamonds and family pieces that have been passed on but now I'm just going to eff it and enjoy the abundance.

(I had all of these with me btw when I was sleeping in the car. I never pawned a SINGLE item of jewelry to survive despite how tempting it would have been. It wasn't about the money, it was about doing something that had meaning and finding my purpose.)

I may be a minimalist, but I also need to appreciate the gifts that have been given to me. I resented them before because I thought all of it translated to materialism and that was something I wasn't about. However, in wearing these pieces for the last few days, I've noticed looking down as I type this extreme sense of pride. Our lives are ALWAYS abundant but it isn't until we recognize and embrace said abundance that more can be generated.

I can't focus on the lack of dude, but rather the blessings and gifts that I do have allowing them to amplify.

I hope I'm right, then again what do any of us really know anyway?