#BrutalHonesty: A step in trust and a story about dealing with your sexuality

A note from Jenny Jen Jen:

This website has been such a blessed journey for me. I've had my eyes ripped open WIDE with these (sometimes extreme) life experiences, and adventures. It was my hope though to be able to provide similar opportunities/experiences for others who were brave enough to really get down and dirty allowing them to experience personal growth on THEIR own terms. Eric has done just that. When he first started writing he sought coaching and wanted me to guide him on his journey. Having been down the path of "pushing" people before, I knew it didn't exactly work. My job as editor of this website is to be as honest as possible with my own experiences but not mandate that others do the same. Being transparent, for me, has been the smartest and most freeing thing I have EVER done. Now getting the joy of seeing someone else start down that path of brutal honesty makes me cry. (It is NOT an easy thing being this honest not only with yourself, but with your friends, family, and the rest of the world.) This is exactly what I have been seeking and exactly what I wanted from this community. I am proud to present you all with this post today, and even more proud to call Eric a friend. K. I go now.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

First a quick update, since I wrote my first TNTML piece at the beginning of the year on my dealings with suicide things have been very different. I can't put into words my gratitude for all the people that have reached to me with their very kind words. It has given me a deep strength to pursue the Tandem10 and my pursuit is in full swing. The support that I have gotten has also given me strength to dive deep into myself and find a comfort in the person that I am. This piece is an extension of that. I have been procrastinating the posting of this piece because it scares the shit out of me. I decided at the onset of this exploration that I would pursue that things that scared me head on so here I am. Discussing my sexuality is something that pulls at the most vulnerable areas of myself and as I follow my nose I feel that this is the next step in finding a deep love for myself in all the ways that make me who I am. I said in my last piece that I would trust the world once more and tell you something that I rarely talked about so here we go... 

I remember being in high school and walking over to my best friends house. When he didn't answer I walked around back and entered his house through the back door. That's when I saw him dressed in his sisters clothes. My jaw dropped and he proceeded to walk me back to his room to show me the neatly folded assortment of womens clothes he kept in his closet. My friend was a man's man. If you asked me who in my high school was gay he would have been the last person that I named but there he was. I still remember exactly what he was wearing, the image is burned into my brain. 

Immediately afterward I went into denial and just pretended as if nothing had happened. We remained friends but never really spoke about it again. It's not that I cared so much, but that I had no understanding of whatever it was he was going through. I grew up in a really conservative city (Fresno) where the f word (not fuck) was used commonly and acceptance of things other than heterosexuality was uncommon. I didn't know what to do. After high school I went off to college but continued playing in my high school band. I'd return back to Fresno regularly for shows and every time I came back there was a new rumor about my friend. Our relationship had become distant and I heard from him less and less often. He showed up at a near sold out show in Fresno looking skinnier than I had ever seen him. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't sure what it was.

A couple years later during a time when I lived in Fresno again he came over for a surprise birthday party my girlfriend threw for me. He stayed after everyone else had left and that's when I found exactly what was going on. His whole life felt as if he was born into the wrong body. Because neither the city that he lived in, nor his family or friends were supportive of this, he dived into a downward spiral of drug use. Also since he had no support system he participated in very risky sex acts that led to a brutal gang rape. He had no one to talk to, no one to tell him that it was all ok, and that he wasn't alone. No one was there to tell him that he was loved for exactly who he was.

I waited for the day that I'd get a phone call of someone telling me that he had killed himself, someone had killed him, or he'd overdosed. Luckily that day never came and he is now a she. She has overcome drug addiction and found someone that loves her. She's engaged and the smile that I see on her face is something that I had almost forgot existed, it's real and deep.

The reason that I am writing about my sexuality is because of this story. I'm not gay or transgender but I know what it's like to feel out of place and alone in your sexuality. It has brought me a lot of happiness to see how far we have come in our acceptance of human sexuality but we still have much further to go. This is my small step to help in this movement...

I arrived to meet a three friends for drinks and some dinner. After a couple drinks we headed to a dance club and I was given something to enhance the fun of the night. I am not one to partake in extracurricular fun often but sometimes I am just in the mood to get crazy and this was one of those nights. After a half an hour when the vibrations of the music were hitting us a little deeper and we were dancing the night away I saw the two girls making out with each other. I had a feeling tonight was about to get wild but I had no idea. The other guy and myself looked at each other with smiles on our faces and let the two girls enjoy each other. The night progressed and things continued to get hot and heavy. I made out with one girl and he made out with the other, and then we switched, and then the girls made out with each other. As the bar was nearing closing time the other guy said that was going to get a hotel room so we could continue the party and we were all ok with that. We made a last minute run to the liquor store and headed to the hotel.

We put on some music and continued dancing around a little but when we started making out with each other there was nothing to hold us back from escalating the situation. Things begun to get hot and heavy quickly and clothing started to fall to the floor. We moved to the bed and body parts were everywhere. That's when things took an unexpected turn. I looked down and the person that was going down on me was not one of the girls. I was somewhat in shock but didn't stop him. It turned me on and I continued to enjoy the encounter that was happening. The night continued to progress, things continued to escalate and when I awoke the next morning I had confirmed something I had always known. I wasn't totally straight.

My whole life I knew that wasn't totally straight but to say I was confused was an understatement. I never walked around looking at guys thinking, "Wow, he's hot," and I never had any crushes on anyone other than girls. But still, what I fantasized about wasn't just women. I spent most of my life in denial and when I did fantasize about same sex encounters I would be disgusted with myself. Thoughts of whether or not I was gay always circulated in my head and I thought if I ever experienced a same sex encounter that I would some how become instantly gay. This was not the case. After my spicy night I felt exactly the same as I did before but at least I knew. I knew I wasn't gay, I knew I wasn't bisexual (I don't have a desire to be in a relationship with a man), but I knew that I fell somewhere in between.

I have a theory about human sexuality and it's that human sexual behavior follows something like a bell curve. Homosexuals fall on one end and heterosexuals on the other with a whole lot of in between. As popular culture has come to widely accept female sexual expression and females are more outspoken about same sex encounters I have seen how many women have indulged themselves in one way or another. Because males exude such a greater amount of sexual deviance I can only assume that the amount of guys secretly harboring same sex fantasies is significant. 

Historically male-to-male sexual contact has been a reoccurring theme. But today, the risks of being out spoken are great. Many people are still under the assumption that men are either gay or straight with nothing in between. I used to think this but I have personally found it to be untrue. For males, the stigma that accompanies heterosexual deviance is emasculating. There is also the big fear of a loss of love from friends and family. I am experiencing all of these but I'm writing this piece because, for lack of a better word, I think it's bullshit. Humans are extremely sexual creatures and one of the few that have sex for pleasure. We are also the most intellectually advanced creatures on the planet so I think that it follows that our sexual variance would be wide.

I have personally seen what can happen when someone is unable to express themselves sexually. It leads to risky behavior that can be seriously detrimental and can result in everything from STD's to rape to heartbreak to drug addiction. After my sexual encounter I went back again, this time I was sober and it was still just as fun. I don't see a reason to keep it a secret anymore. Every time that I've met someone who I trusted enough to tell them it makes me feel good. I don't know whether it's pride, or a greater sense of self-confidence, or comfort but this is also my next step in trusting the world. This has been a very hard piece to write and the thought of posting it scares me greatly. I hope the world accepts me for who I am and treats me the same way that they have treated me before. If there are other guys out there who are struggling with their sexuality you are not alone so feel free to contact me, my email is below.

Thanks for reading. 

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com