#NerdsUnited: That time a Silicon Valley star commented on my (now) marriage only to have ANOTHER Silicon Valley star piss me off enough to write about it

(One of) The best part(s) about being married is having someone call you out on very simple things. This morning, I passionately spoke about Thomas Middleditch and how UNBELIEVABLY disrespectful he has been as a whole not only to women, but specifically his wife. He is what is “wrong” about the “non-traditional” community, I expressed barely taking a breath. 

“Why don’t you write about it,” he asked? 

“Because, I’m in the middle of a post that I’ve been blocked on for months.” 

“But won’t writing help you through the block?” 

<tangent> Living through the worst five weeks of my life BEFORE the pandemic, only to then have a wedding itself be epic, but the week before and surrounding be EXTREMELY challenging was too much. I don't want to "finish" it because I lived it. Formative ... yes ... but it was too much to process physically to then IN TURN write about it. I'll write the rest when I'm ready to. And I'm not there yet. </tangent> 

I smiled knowing how right he was. 

And here we are. 

Maestro ... 

On Sunday, multiple friends posted about the LA Times Story #MeToo-ing actor Thomas Middleditch. The article specifically mentions the club Cloak and Dagger founded by (my IRL friend) Adam Bravin and his partner Michael Patterson. 

Adam and I have 32 mutual friends and we were once setup on a date. And by date, I mean my gf Amber Osborne tweeted at him saying our personalities are similar and that we should meet… which was followed by a DM … which was followed by an invite to the club where he was performing. Not exactly anywhere close to what I was after romantically, and considering I am a MASSIVE She Wants Revenge fan (Tear you apart is in my top three of favorite songs ever) ... I’m glad it worked out the way that it did. I’m not a groupie, never have been, never will be. Anywho … Adam and I have stayed friends over the years, and personally, I couldn’t ever say a bad thing about the guy. 

The same will not be true for Thomas. 

I’m not going to address the allegations against him, I personally don’t know anything about it … but consent is consent … and it can change in a moment's notice. 

The LA Times story goes into detail about Thomas’ inappropriate behavior at a private goth club (run by Bravin and Patterson). The new allegations brought against Middleditch also resurfaced a 2019 article from both Playboy and Interview where Thomas talked about his experience at a swing club with the director of the film (which he was promoting in said interviews) Godzilla: King of the Monsters. 

Per the THR: The anecdote proved to be a bit of a tease in terms of Middleditch's relationship with swinging culture and now, as it turns out, he reveals it's a pretty serious one. Playboy just published a "20 Questions" feature interview in its "Pleasure" issue in which the Silicon Valley star tells the magazine's Ryan Gajewski that he is a "sexual" human who has experimented in swinging with his wife Mollie. 

The reveal came after Gajewski asks Middleditch about the adventure with Shields mentioned in the Interview piece. Though he tip-toes toward the answer — "I don't want my wife to be mad at me," he says — the actor reveals he broached the subject: "Only after I got married was I like, 'Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.' To her credit, instead of saying, 'Fuck you, I’m out,' she was like, 'Let’s figure this out.' To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows."

For practical purposes, swinging is defined as sexual activity that sees singles and/or partners engage in such activities with others and/or groups as a recreational or social activity. Per Middleditch, it's actually not called "swinging" anymore. "It's now called being 'part of the lifestyle.' The term 'swinging' is old," he says.

The only thing I agree with Middleditch on is it “isn’t” called "swinging" anymore.  

I’ve been a part of the “lifestyle” on and off for 11 years. It was actually during the (truly accidental) 103 dates in 9 months that I worked up the courage to actually flip my OKC account for men for women to women for women. 

From an early age I knew I wasn’t exactly “straight” nor was I “gay” nor would I even (still to this day) classify myself as bisexual.

I call myself a trysexual, which is super accurate. I will literally try anything in life once.

I don't know what I don't know ... so why pretend that I do know?

I moved to LA in 2004 and less than a year later I received an invite to (what I didn’t know) was a porn party at the Playboy Mansion for a DVD release party by some dude named Poppy Cock … I haven’t ever googled him but should you want to … that’s up to you.

What I am most grateful for is that was the fateful trip where I met one of my longest and dearest friends who also caught the bouquet at our wedding.

She’s still and will always be the coolest girl I have ever met in LA.

The first party was shockingly tame, but because I’m a polite person and not a douchebag, I quickly got invited to more and more parties - which I didn’t know would shape my sexual future. 

I’m a voyeur ... I like/need to watch before I try to understand what the experience is and while yes, I saw people fucking at the mansion, (only once while in the bathroom of the mattress room while hilariously trying to exit in a completely mirrored space) ... but it was never really about the sex.

What I enjoyed the most was how safe and secure I felt exploring said sexuality ... not by the cheap thrill of being turned on ... it was more about the curiosity and amazement of what ACTUALLY turned me on. 

Those first few years I went mostly by myself and … I feel like I don’t need to say this … but if there is ever a life experience I could recommend it is being a sexually inexperienced 20 something BY YOURSELF at the Playboy Mansion.

I’d just be walking around people watching, and person after person would either ask for a picture, or ask if I wanted to hang out with them. Considering for the majority of people this is a “bucket list” item, (myself included the first time) ... the men AND women were wonderfully respectful.

I was never in a situation with a couple, group, or single person that made me feel uncomfortable.

Quite the opposite!!

I’m still friends with a lot of the people I met!

(And four years after my first visit to the mansion [I used to give tours of the grounds], I met with their Chicago office (via SKYPE) as they wanted to launch a "tech" section on their website and needed a female face. I didn't tell anyone until recently, (specifically my bridesmaids) but I remember the name of the executive I met and he acknowledged how "different" my approach was to tech and also how authentic my love and respect was for the property & brand. Hef notoriously disliked tech, (which is why this never went anywhere) but I couldn't BELIEVE how quickly I was able to alchemize the adoration of attendance in a property into BECOMING THE POTENTIAL TECH FACE OF ONE OF THE (STILL) MOST RECOGNIZABLE BRANDS IN THE WORLD.) 

This is why instead of doing a "bridesmaids getting ready" fake shoot ... I did an actual photo shoot and used the same color red as Hef had in his robe with vintage playboy pins with nicknames for each of the bridesmaids. (I went for an S&M mouse mask instead of bunny ears ... but that was just my own artistic interpretation.)  

The Playboy Mansion is the ONLY place I have ever felt that "free to explore." As a woman, I am constantly not only aware of what “vibe sexually speaking” I am giving off, but also my surroundings. 

Being in that super safe environment made me realize how genuinely unsafe I feel at most other places. Even now married, it’s almost like I’m “more” of a challenge. (Which my husband loves and laughs at.)  I say all of this not to inflate my ego, but to articulate strongly HOW. MANY. HOURS. IN. A. DAY. AS. A. WOMAN. WE. ARE. ON. (some version of) “ALERT.”  

The path to sexual exploitation can ONLY be explored in a safe environment.

Even in a physical sense, to have an orgasm is a “letting go” and true expression of vulnerability. Women even release oxytocin in our brains which is LITERALLY a bonding agent. 

What struck me about reading and re-reading these articles on Thomas is how blindly unaware he is of not only boundaries but safety (and the intimacy that occurs as a direct result of awareness around your partner’s safety).

I would never judge four consenting adults going to a club together, and choosing to get naked. Would I do that with my boss? Not my style, but, again, consent is consent. 

It’s this next part that pisses me off, (as quoted from above)“though he tip-toes toward the answer — "I don't want my wife to be mad at me," he says — the actor reveals he broached the subject: "Only after I got married was I like, 'Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.' To her credit, instead of saying, 'Fuck you, I’m out,' she was like, 'Let’s figure this out.' To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows."

He is PUBLICLY putting his wife, and their intimacy, on blast - WITHOUT. HER. CONSENT. 

Spotting a pattern? 

I have my husband’s consent to write what I am writing.

Our intimacy and connection is paramount to me and visceral to those around us.

(This is when being around people becomes a "thing" again.) 

Up until my husband, I wasn’t willing to integrate a man into my sexual exploration of women (and even groups). It took almost ten years after my first visit to the Playboy Mansion before I decided to actually become a participant sexually.

Due to tinder, and accepting an orgy email invite list request, (that’s an actual thing and quite the large group now), I’ve been to not one but two failed orgies, (WHO PITCHES A SCRIPT TO SOMEONE AFTER AN ORGY?! YOU HAD ONE JOB RANDOM DUDE!!) and even then my non-traditional Sex Life belonged solely to me (and technically speaking the blog ... which at the time of both orgies was owned by Bruckheimer - which is why I created a second site that I could still take ownership of my own writing). 

Looking back, I think it was a lack of maturity on my part to know even HOW to have the conversation with the only three boyfriends I’ve ever had, but two months into dating Jefe?

My sexual preferences took front & center at a Sunday brunch. 

See, the night before, we had gone to our mutual friend’s birthday party.

Jefe and I met offline (hilarious after all the online dating I did) and we were both in the same friend group (without knowing each other … yet).

All throughout the night, we did the … 

… to each other from across the room.

We both have a natural instinct of not only ourselves, but each other. It was right out the gate too - I can just "feel" him in a way intuitively and instinctively that I have never felt with anyone other than our dog Buster. 

Some point past way too many drinks and not enough food later, Jefe went to say goodbye to this girl (whom I am not particularly fond of). As he went to hug her, he placed both his arms on either side of her arms and went in for a wet one. 

Like …. directly on the lips. 

I watched the kiss (no tongue) for a solid 15 or so seconds as he then released and walked over to where I was. 

See, now this is where I’m lethal. 

I saw what I saw, but I said nothing. 

Nothing …. later that night. 

Nothing … the next morning 

… we even walked there.

I had to think through exactly how I wanted to say what I wanted to say. 

It wasn’t until brunch (at our favorite place) where I decided to say something. 

I ordered a blood orange mimosa, and took a sip before I spoke. 

“Do you realize you kissed another woman last night?” I asked genuinely unsure myself of his awareness.  

His face immediately blushed as his mouth opened from shock.

Yep, not aware, I thought. 

“I was standing on the other side of the room, and I saw you kiss [insert name of woman I am not particularly fond of here].” 

He paused, completely unsure of what to say, barely uttering an “I’m so sorry.” 

Now, technically speaking, this hadn’t come up in our relationship before (especially being so new). 

“Cheating” we both label as anything sexual without the other person being physically there. They don’t have to be participating, but they do have to be there (and conscience). Kissing is sexual. Him kissing another woman would now be considered cheating ... but then? The boundary hadn’t been set, so I can’t say definitively. 

What I did say was this … 

“I saw you kissing her, and it really turned me on. Which COMPLETELY surprised me because she’s not someone I could be friends with.”

This is why exploring at your own pace and in your own way is SO important. Just because you THINK something might be okay with you, doesn't mean that it will stay that way. Even WITH my own decade plus of exploration, I thought I'd have to at least like the person. With her, and only for that moment, I was into it. 

What happened next was a beautiful example of my own intimacy and the integration I wanted to happen with my partner. 

I told him about the women I dated. I told him about the couples I dated. I told him about the parties at the Playboy Mansion. I told him about the two failed orgies, and I asked what he thought about exploring “that” world together as a couple? 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’m a really territorial person, but if this is something you’re into, of course I want to support it and am willing to try.” 

“I am into it, but I’ve only ever explored this world by myself. Never with a partner. I know what I saw last night worked for me sexually … and again I DON’T EVEN LIKE HER!!”

I didn’t know it at the time, but that conversation pretty dramatically created a foundation for our relationship to be built on not only extreme honesty, but with for the first time in my life, a partner in exploration of not only my own intimacy ... but our collective intimacy as a couple.

I took what could have been viewed as an obstruction in our relationship and turned it into an opportunity for intimacy. 

<tangent> This is also the best part about Jefe, both he and the person of honor in our wedding (whose vintage Playboy pin nickname was Lethal Lindz) come from this beautiful and genuine place of love ... ALWAYS. I won't discredit or discount their experiences, but it's almost child like in a really really beautiful way. They both pray for people and their wellness EVERY. DAY. It's just who Jefe is naturally and without thought - he's this beacon of love. </tangent>

It frustrates me that stories like Thomas' are equated to cheap clickbait when a life like this is anything but cheap.

Living this lifestyle has not only opened me up in ways I couldn’t imagine (both literally and figuratively) but it also lets me feel safe and supported by my partner.

If I’m ever in a situation where I “can’t handle it or don’t want to” I tag team it out. 

That safety and support has lead me to being more exploratory than ever, by the man I knew I was already in love with.

Before Covid, we’ve had threesomes, he’s seen me make out with STILL one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen, and are even card carrying members of the orgy dome at Burning Man (highly recommended but very early on in the day).

All of these will be articulated in separate posts.

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm not into this but I can tell you are so keep going, but I'm going to tap out." 

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm into this, confirming you are." 

We have codes as a couple for ... "I'm not into this and this needs to stop immediately." 

Just because I may or may not be into something, doesn't necessarily mean the other person has to stop, but in the moment it keeps us connected communicating through it in our own language.

Which in and of itself is another layer of intimacy. 

I’m the most intimate version of myself within myself and share that self with another person.

If that means being labeled “non-traditional” I am okay with that.

But don’t confuse clickbait with the actual lifestyle. 

Bye bye Middle … 

OH! and the other Silicon Valley star who commented on our (now) marriage?

One month (to the day) into our relationship, we were standing on the corner of the street (right by where we had had brunch). Jefe had just bought me flowers and we were waiting to cross at the light, in this little love bubble (even though we hadn't said it to each other yet). 

Jefe did accidentally the night before when he blurted out "I love you" instead of "I love it."

Then this slow but intentional jogger moved past us ... and he very LOUDLY announced "this is true love right here" .... pointing directly at us. 

I looked over as my eyes darted a bit ... thinking man is he psychic!!

As Jefe said, "do you know who that was?" 

Still lost in my own surprise I stayed quiet. 

It's Hoover from Silicon Valley!!!! (Jefe was a MASSIVE fan of the show.)

Well, Hoover was right, as later that evening I said for the first time "I love you" to my (now) husband. And haven't stopped saying it every day since. 

#nerdsunite