#ShitGotReal: Well, this good news was certainly unexpected ...
Heyo!!
I got some super good news last week, and while I can't actually discuss what is going on ... I can at least tip toe around it like I normally do to give you guys a heads up!!
Maestro ...
I don't even know how to write this. A part of me is so deliriously excited, but another is just calm and extremely grateful for even just this present moment.
My life has changed a lot this year. It was rather unexpected, but these last few months in particular have been some of the best of my life.
The only things I had yet to explore on this website were 1) being in a relationship, and 2) not working.
I'm a workaholic. Always have been, prolly always will be. If I have a goal, or some sort of something that needs to get out to people, there is noooooooooo doubt that I can get it done. I'm extremely motivated when I'm passionate about something, and have the drive to follow through.
The only problem with being a workaholic is you lack balance. The only friends I had were involved with this website, and I can't begin to tell you how few times I've seen my parents in the last (almost) decade I've been in Los Angeles. I just worked, and worked, and worked, hoping to prove something to myself, and to my family. I wanted to get to this intangible goal, or bar that I had set for myself where I could look back and say yes, I did this. I am a success ... I feel fulfilled.
I then discovered at the end of last year, that I was anything but fulfilled. I didn't exactly know who I was doing this all for anymore, or what it really meant at the end of the day. After all this time, I had actually accomplished what I was after, so why wasn't any of it enough? I wasn't exactly unhappy, but I was very stuck. I wasn't any closer to building intimacy into my life, and I was still keeping everyone except this blog at an arm's distance. I didn't know how to let people close to me because my guard had been up for so long. I didn't know how to have friends without always offering them things. I very much let everyone know within 2.5 seconds of meeting who I was and what I did, and if I could get them anything I'd be happy to help. What I didn't realize though is that I wasn't keeping enough for myself. I was like the girl that got picked on on the playground, so instead of letting it perpetuate, she bribes the bullies by bringing in extra oreos. Sure, some things may or may not have felt better, but most times I could have been in a room filled with 100 people I knew, and I'd still feel lonely.
I had no idea why.
I bought book after book, classified and labeled everything as one part of the process or another placing it under the guise of becoming "more aware."
Looking for intimacy in a book is the problem, not solution. (At least for me.)
I've spent my ENTIRE LIFE googling, researching, self medicating through being a workaholic. The only thing I hadn't done was ask the 28 year old girl from Connecticut what she wanted to do, and who she wanted to become.
My answers were pretty simple ...
1) I wanted to use this website as a forum to give back. I wanted to structure things so others could follow in my footsteps and document their journeys.
2) I wanted to get married one day.
3) I wanted to have kids, and remain close with my family.
Those are my goals in life. I want to make enough money to not have to worry about it, and do as much as I can to help others on their journeys.
I can't describe the feeling that I had when I volunteer, or do a random act of kindness. It's this nagging sensation inside of me, that I absolutely can't get rid of. (It doesn't allow itself to be ignored either.)
I thought I needed to raise capital to get things off the ground, and bring other people on board specifically as lifecasters. I wound up actually having a multiple interested investors, but something at the end of the day always told me no. As long as I had everything that I needed to provide for myself in this very moment, I shouldn't continue.
I then plotted along working on various projects, hoping ... PRAYING ... that one of them actually worked out so I could not only get the money to bring people on board, but also again, feel fulfilled.
By April, I had gone out on yet another destination date (this one set up by a professional matchmaker), and it absolutely changed my life. It was not only the best weekend of my life, but I finally felt like I had met someone I could talk to ... and TRULY talk to. I was 100% myself on that date, and the radical honesty shared between the two of us was something I hadn't experienced before. I realized quickly that I had re-met my best friend.
We then decided to "officially" date each other.
I was petrified at first about dating anyone. Being in a relationship means getting close to someone. My cell memory reminded me that every time I got close to someone, I lost them.
It's like post traumatic stress disorder for the lonely and painfully neurotic.
On the journey we worked through a LOT of things together, and I gradually became less guarded and less defensive. I then objectively and realistically took a look at my life. I sit on a phone or computer all day interacting with people. Everything that I say gets validated by RTs or @replies back. I can even post a photo on Facebook and get told how pretty I am, or see with how many likes how awesome I may look on a particular day. It hit me like a ton of bricks how none of that was real. Why did I need the attention? Why did I so desperately seek this validation?
I wasn't sure, but as a result I stopped tweeting as much, and stopped posting so many photos on Facebook. Because I was also experiencing intimacy 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my boyfriend, I also felt stunted on what to even write about. It was like I entered this stage where I wanted to just protect myself, and hide. I didn't want to be such a shameless self promoter, and I didn't want to continue seeking validation and attention just to feel good about myself at the end of the day.
I'm worth more than this, one day I thought looking into the mirror.
I then continued to stare at myself ... and I mean REALLY stare at myself.
I need to do something for myself, I thought. Not the business or brand, the 28 year old.
I just need to let go all of the appeasement, I thought.
I'm alllll about the appeasement. I'll bend forwards, backwards, upside down. I'll do anything to prevent a confrontation, or get people to like me.
I need to like myself, and I need to take care of myself in a very loving manner.
I then decided to not work, and to find things that I liked to do.
Being in the Florida Keys, this was easy since I had the ocean as my backyard. I've since learned that I love to paddleboard, am EPIC at catching crabs (not the STD), love snorkeling, have eaten gator & elk (not together), and love being part of a fitness group. I began running in the mornings, and am now up to running between 4-6 miles at 6am.
Did I mention that I haven't woken up that early since grade school?
I also got off all aspartame, and am currently doing a juice detox to clear out all of the toxins from all of the processed foods I've eaten all my life.
My body is a temple, but I haven't been treating it that way. I've been abusing it by chasing sugar free red bull, after sugar free red bull. I also made a concerted effort to not tell people down here anything about my business. I wanted to make friends based on who I was, not what I had to offer. When people ask what I do down here, I say I'm a writer and I talk about technology. Because the Florida Keys are SUPPPEERRRRR country, people aren't into tech at all and quit asking questions. I'm just Jen to everyone, and for the first time in my life I not only liked it, I was beginning to prefer it. I didn't need to be the center of attention, nor did I need to self promote in any manner. It felt really, really, really, good. I was making genuine connections with people, and having genuine conversations.
That's something I haven't allowed myself to have before.
At the end of last week I was floating on a raft in this pool ...
... listening to Bob Marley, and reflecting on my life.
I feel really fulfilled, I thought. I have great friends, an amazing boyfriend, I see my family all the time now, and I even get to cook and host dinner parties.
<tangent> It shocks me how domestic I've become. I actually LIKE to make my bed every morning, and keep the house SPOTLESS!!!! Never thought I'd be a clean freak. Ever. </tangent>
I personally and professionally now have everything I ever wanted. I thought about the future a bit, but mostly just kept in the present moment while I floated along.
I then grabbed my phone and followed up with someone about a project we've been working on.
They had all been very, VERY confident about it almost from the beginning and it kinda surprised me. Having been down this path before (albeit with other people), I learned what a crap shoot it all was, and that I shouldn't give up, but that timing and the right team were everything.
They then told me I had great timing in my email, and that congratulations things were going to the next level.
I stared down at my phone in complete, and TOTAL shock.
Having just spent all that time in reflection realizing I had been truly fulfilled, I actually wound up getting what I was after.
Ironic, I thought.
I smiled, as tears started to form in my eyes. This is the opportunity I had been waiting for to give back to others. This is going to change SOOOOOO many lives, I thought.
This is a beautiful thing.
I then called my family, and a handful of friends. Everyone was ecstatic, and I thanked them all for their support. I realized after the calls though, that this couldn't have come at a better time. I'm not only physically, and mentally in an extremely centered place, but for the first time in my life I have an ENORMOUS amount of self respect and am not actually seeking attention or validation. I know who I am, where my moral compass is, and I'm SUPER proud of myself for that.
This isn't about me, I thought. This is about the kids whose lives are going to be given a tremendous opportunity via this channel (for lack of a better word). I then cried SO hard from gratitude realizing what a blessing all of this was.
By the time I came to, I realized that life really is amazing when you learn to get out of it's way. I truly learned to let go, but just like that, the universe decided it had other plans. I am now going to take these lessons & fulfillment and move full steam ahead work wise. This is an INCREDIBLE opportunity and I won't let it pass me by.
This all feels so good. Thank you. Just ... thank you.