#RealDeal: An understanding of value while riding in a Gulf stream jet
Hi friends.
So, as some of you have pointed out on my Facebook wall, yes I have been quiet lately. It's not out of lack of desire to talk to you all, or even lack of time ... it's a lot deeper than that.
Maestro ...
Well, we hit it off.
... a lot actually.
Just a refresher, I was initially brought in to help her market the worldwide search for this bachelor's "dream girl."
Throughout the series of initial conversations we had, she finally stopped me and asked how old I was and if I was single.
I told her I was 28, and yes, I was single.
I have a feeling on you two, let me send you the application for submission.
Now, the title of this search starts with a "b" and is also indicative of the amount of money this person has. Having seen who this matchmaker deals with, I thought even having that word in the title for the search was all wrong. Nothing against the matchmaker at that to be honest, but you have to think about what you are going to highlight and who is going to respond and why. You have to think like a marketer!!
The way it came off, was a little hokey and was obviously only going to attract freak show observers, and extreme gold diggers.
I then emailed in my application on who I was, and what I wanted from life.
I was hesitant to even submit, but laughed thinking that the only way I am sure I am going to meet my future husband is through some sort of work related thing, so maybe this could be it!! After all, my worst case scenario was going to be a new friend, and a lesson learned on who he is and how I can tell the story digitally to promote the search.
I went in extremely, extremely open minded.
A few emails were then fired off between him and I, and I can't describe it but I felt like I really needed to know this person. I OBSESSIVELY searched to find his name using what clues I had on his personality (again, I went in COMPLETELY cold. No name, no photo.).
I felt something in those first few exchanges that I hadn't ever felt before.
We were both being radically honest, and were both letting down our guard.
For what? I don't know.
I know on my side, had nothing to lose, and didn't want this dude because he's got bank. I'm actually more than anything a bit turned off by dudes that floss or try to buy affection.
I didn't want to be cheesy, or get my own hopes up so I jotted down only a few notes on what I was feeling before our meeting just so I could have a timestamp of it ...
The girl who grew up loving Lifetime movies and Disney wanted to believe that maybe my Prince Charming was coming to finally rescue me.
That always surprises people actually ... I'm terribly romantic. I grew up WITH the Disney fairy tale in my own household, so having the bar set SO high with how amazing the connection is that my parents have was overwhelming in my 20s.
Through self work, I finally stopped seeking to be "rescued" and put on my big girl pants and decided to outline what I wanted from my own life.
I then started this website, and as things evolved I actually became more guarded and used being a "lifecaster" as a way to hide what I was truly feeling. I thought at first what I was doing was so freeing, but it actually was the exact opposite.
I started to look at men differently, and they in turn were COMPLETELY freaked about going out on even a single date with "the chick with the blog."
The popularity of this site definitely kept the dates coming in ... but I was still running from something within myself.
Even AFTER working with a modern day shaman for a year, and having a series of epiphanies - it wasn't enough.
I needed to step out of my own shadow and own who I was as an individual and not just a "personal brand."
I suddenly had ALLLLLL of these connections to literally thousands of people a day, but I had never felt more disconnected personally.
I had no idea who I was, and after YEARS of hard work, I felt like everything was back at square one.
Where do you see all of this going? I get asked over and over in meetings with all of these producers/ writers/ typical Hollywood people.
I don't know, I say back. I am just being and documenting my journey.
Yeah, but what does it all mean? Who are you? They say back every.single.time.
I don't know, I say. (This is the point in the meeting where I tend to tear up, or allow my voice to go into a lower register.) I firmly believe the journey is the destination and I guess I'm just figuring it out as I go.
This is my dream. I took all of these elements that I wanted from life, and turned it into my ideal existence. I didn't ask others to care, but also barked back to anyone that tried to stop me.
It took me a bit, but after I hit a series of professional goals I realized how hollow everything felt.
My bark was so big, that people either 1) didn't want to admit that they were wrong, or 2) just left me be.
Either way, I was STILL left alone, and STILL left at this place wondering what and who I was doing all of this for.
My goal in dating was to genuinely find someone. I use intellectualism as a mask to come off "smarter" than people so my true, vulnerable, inner child can go off and hide.
The child was hurt so much growing up and learned at a VERY early age to just compartmentalize. The adult in those moments was ignoring the child so much since it was so "logical" and "inner child work" is complete bullshit.
I WOULD be the type of person that I would go out on 100+ dates, not have a home for a year while bartering social media, and get picked over and over and over for these INSANELY WILD life experiences.
I have a LOT of energy, and I'm good at getting shit done when I am motivated.
I was motivated to become a better person (by my own definition), and ABSURDLY inspired by all of the emails, tweets, and comments on Facebook people would send and write saying how much everything that I was doing was changing their life too.
I'm naturally a "helper;" I LOVE connecting people, and super genuinely LOVE helping people see things in a different manner (especially since my "different" brain doesn't know that this shit isn't exactly "normal.").
All of those connections though, and communication caused me to shut down a bit more. I suddenly felt like I was responsible for all of these "zany adventures" which yes, being a people magnet I can attract in 30 seconds or less ... but it wasn't what I was interested in anymore.
I wanted authenticity, and I wanted intimacy. I wanted to become a warmer person, I wanted to be who I was in my writing and not the cold, calculated business woman I felt like I was becoming in reality.
It wasn't an "identity crisis" but rather a shift in things I valued and a shift in what I wanted to focus on.
What does success look like to me? What do I want out of life? Am I aligning myself with those ideas energetically? Have I become the picture of what I am looking to attract?
My answer, was of course, no -so, that started the dating detox in January.
I stopped dating, stopped all the distractions, and started to listen to myself and DO what I really wanted to do with my life.
Within a matter of a few weeks, I got in KICKASS shape again (after discovering a love love love for spinning), hosted my very first dinner party with what I thought was going to be just a couple people ...
... it turned out to be a lot more, but taking after my mother (who is an amazing irish cook) I had PLENTY prepared.
I LOVED cooking a real dinner for the first time in my adult life, and being able to provide nourishment for people I cared so much about. It sounds cheesy, but I TOTALLY get why my parental units loved hosting so many parties when we were kids. I viewed it as so much work, because I just didn't know what to do.
Not killing my friends with my cooking gave me that much more confidence, and that much more reassurance that I was domestic, and could hopefully one day provide for my own family.
I've always been a chick that plays in the boys clubs. While I enjoy getting dressed up, I'm kind of a tomboy and genuinely enjoy throwing down or talking tech til I'm blue in the face.
This puts me in the "friend zone" a lot of times, especially being so aggressive I think I just scare the shit out of any guy that approached me.
Since all of this STILL left me alone, I would beat myself up questioning what was wrong with me? You can't date half of Los Angeles without KNOWING there are a few screws loose, and maybe I shouldn't just be so picky.
By the time the Miami date came around, I honestly could count on one hand how many dates I had gone out in the last few months. A STARK contrast from the girl that learned how to schedule happy hour, and late dinner dates with enough time and ease to have the guys not know.
I don't know what I was running from in dating so much, but I do know that it took a HUGE hit to my self esteem. By focusing on self during the detox, I mentally got my shit together.
I kept thinking that I had to keep feeding my pipeline with meeting men in order to get X amount of dates which will hopefully result in Y, which in my mind was a relationship.
I knew the Miami date had read this site, and known who I was.
Instead of coming into everything so guns blazing, I focused on the connection, and focused on this insane, radical honesty.
I didn't want to connect with him as a "personal brand," I instead wanted to connect as just a person.
I don't know why it was this person in particular that inspired me to be that way, but I know I felt it and to not express it would be to deny a part of my true self.
Here's a portion of the actual email he sent after he read my submission ...
His writing was so pure. I could FEEL how guarded he has been his entire life, and I can't begin to describe how inspiring it was to me as to someone who was still drowning in defenses.
We then met up in Miami a few days later, and I had the time.of.my.life.
Even without knowing what he looked like, I was the one that recognized him first and it COMPLETELY freaked him out.
It was like being re-introduced to my best friend. Whether it was the last lifetime, or 50 ... I immediately recognized something in his eyes.
We stayed at the St. Regis, and contrary to what it looked like, we had an extremely relaxing and mellow time. We sat in fancy hotel bath robes (just for the experience ... none of that kiddies!! I had my own room! :), and listened to music while watching the waves crash into the Southbeach shore.
The more we got to learn about each other, the more we realized how similar our lives have been.
He also comes from an extremely dysfunctional family, and has had EVERYONE.UNDER.THE.SUN. try using him, or suing him for his money in one way or another.
Having grown up with money myself (albeit NOTHINGGGG like that), I saw first hand how much it changes people and magnifies personalities.
Everyone always ends up wanting something from you, or they'll just cut your throat. It doesn't make people any happier, it just shows you who they really are.
He smiled, and for the first time in recent memory I actually established a solid connection.
None of this was for the masses ... all of this was just for me, and him.
I hadn't returned any emails, calls, or tweets during that time, so my manager had called expressing concern.
You okay, over there? He said on the phone. You get back so quickly via email. Why the slack?
I laughed putting him on speakerphone as I said I was on a date set up with the matchmaker (who is also repped by him).
The date continued, and he also revealed to me that he turned down not one, but two very very big deals to turn the search into a TV show.
(One of whom came from a person that is on my life list to have dinner with. Just ... wow ... I would not have been strong enough to say no.)
Why didn't you take the deals? I asked.
He turned, and said with his very honest eyes, that it would have done WONDERS for his charities. When you're talking about that kinda money, it is hard to turn down, but I wanted to do this to find my wife. I didn't think it made sense to do it in front of a TV audience.
I smiled recognizing my own epiphany with intimacy, and wanting to keep certain things just for myself.
By the end of our first date (which lasted a few days), we hugged validating our experience and validating this connection that we had both been searching for for some time.
As we embraced, I could actually feel my heart "sing" for lack of a better word. It wasn't butterflies in my stomach, it was this light, vibrating sensation in my heart that actually made me a little light headed.
I pulled back from him looking him in the eyes.
Did you feel that too? I ask speaking of the heart singing, but not wanting to say it and sound "weird."
Without skipping a beat he nodded his head and closed his eyes embracing again.
I wasn't sure what I was experiencing in that moment, but I know it was pure, and I know this was someone I wanted to be around.
I then flew back to LA, and went back to my life.
I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew it involved this person.
We would spend every night talking on Skype and my body by the end of the conversation was literally curled up next to the screen. Even from the other side of the country, I could feel this gravitational pull to this human being. It COMPLETELY freaked me out in the best way ever.
I then went back to Miami, and we talked about the future.
At that point, he had asked me to be his girlfriend and of COURSE, I said yes.
<tangent> "Marathon/ Destination dating" is really good for that. You get to know someone pretty fast, and it kinda cuts out the BS of the initial courtship giving in this case, a chance for this connection to grow stronger. </tangent>
We then discussed the logistics of a long distance relationship, but fortunately both of our lives allow for ample travel and flexibility.
You can't keep coming to me, he said. I need to come to you too.
I smiled, remembering back to Miami when he said he had a fear of planes.
I haven't been on a plane in 7 years (after he had a very vivid dream that he was going to die in a plane crash), but I want to for you. I know you travel all the time, and if we are going to make anything work out between us, I'd like to come with. I don't want to keep talking on Skype.
I agree, I say back acknowledging that in the flesh was MUCH better than a digital connection. Are you sure though? I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do.
I'll figure it out, he said back. Let me worry about that part.
We spent the next few days together, and I actually didn't spend them online.
We went boating, watched movies, cooked in the kitchen.
<tangent> He may have inherited this massive, massive name and corporation, but it wasn't until much later in life that he knew it and because he at that point had already started a series of his own businesses had grown to resent the fact that people think he lives off of just his family money. </tangent>
He's not only one of the most grounded people I have ever met, but also the most humble. He leads a very modest existence and while he retains a LOT of pride from where he comes from, it's not at all who he is.
I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to cook with you, I said in his kitchen.
<tangent> He owns/owned a series of restaurants, and one of them is Michelin rated. Food is a VERY big passion of his, and getting a first hand experience cooking with such a pro chef is DIRECTLY in line with my own life experiences and what I know I want. </tangent>
I smiled feeling a degree of pride in knowing that it took all my self work to get here, and to be able to appreciate how special this human being really is.
I then admitted what I had written about him right before I met him.
I know this is weird, I say, but I'm a very logical person and like having things timestamped and operating in a very "matter of fact" fashion. I knew I felt something different with you, and while chemistry was going to be the biggest variable, I knew we were at least going to be very good friends.
He smiled, and took a moment to get his computer.
He opened up a file, and showed me something he too wrote before we met ...
(Here is an excerpt. I'm keeping the rest for myself you silly goose!!)
Even with just an email exchange, we had both felt the same thing.
I wanted to logically wrap my brain around it, but quickly realized there were no words to explain what I was feeling ... it just "was" and I was grateful for even just the experience.
He told me previously that as long as we were still feeling things the way we were, that on my return trip from Miami he was going to come back with me for a visit.
Because he was so afraid, and unsure of how he was going to react, he booked a private flight. The place he booked it with though experienced some reservation issues with our flight, so instead of giving us the Lear jet he booked, we were asked if it would be okay to ride in the Gulf Stream 3 they had available.
Of course we said yes ... but I laughed at the amount of room on this thing for just two people.
<tangent> This was the same type of plane btw that Randy Fry has, and I hitchhiked my way onto. </tangent>
I then held his hand as we took off. To my surprise, he was actually super calm.
Maybe it was all the wine we had been drinking, but if that's the only travel prerequisite he has, I am HAPPY to oblige!!!
He's now gone back and forth a few times, and we are officially dating.
He even helped me move into my new apartment last week.
He's the one who took this photo of my INSANELY huge big couches that I ADDOOORREEEEE from Living Spaces ...
click the screenshot to comment on Facebook
I have a LOT of karma payback in the form of hosting couch surfers so you KNOOOWWWWW I was going to make that as comfortable as possible for them.
It's not that I'm ignoring any of my online friends, or even my own business for that matter. For the first time in starting this website, I'm actually just quiet. I'm not sure what I'm experiencing, or where any of this is going ... but I'm enjoying spending time watching the sunset with someone I care about.
Which is something that my dad always told me to do ...
I'm proud of myself that I FINALLY finished the 96 page outline for my first book, and the rest, I am figuring out.
MANY MANY MANY THANKS to everyone that entered the contest!!!
There were SO many AMAZINNNGGGG random acts of kindness and I can't WAIT to announce the winners and share with you all. I just had to first get this off my chest, and come clean with this feeling that I don't even want to try and understand.
Here's to the moment. I'm really enjoying this one ...
#thatisall
Oh yeah and ...
