#RealDeal: Living on both ends of the spectrum (Learning To Cope)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy

The most common response to revealing my bipolar disorder to “the world” has been from people who don’t understand mental illness. People who haven’t encountered enough people struggling with their sense of identity, and sanity. These people say things like “just think happy thoughts” or “you should just go out more.” I wish I could take such advice (and that such advice worked on any practical level, beyond letting the speaker feel good about themselves), instead I’ve always coped in much more damaging ways.

Booze.

Drugs.

Women.

These were my best coping mechanisms. Things I could turn to, to always get me out of a negative headspace. Also, these are notoriously bad coping mechanisms. I’ve been working at finding better ways to deal with my headspace, and in hanging out and talking to a number of awesome people I think I’ve found a solution that works for me. But before I get to that, let’s go over why the 3 above solutions only made my life (and thus emotional state worse).

Booze is by far the most abundant on this list, and is sort of a gateway to the other three. As a comic booze is almost ubiquitous. It is present as a form of payment, as a confidence booster, a way to get over a bad set, and as a constant excuse for poor performance “It’s not my fault man, I just got too drunk. Usually I kill” or some variation is uttered at every show. I like drinking, it’s fun and I love the feeling of being drunk. But when I drink to avoid dealing with complex emotions, I’m really just changing out one problem for an entirely different one. To avoid becoming dependent on alcohol I’ve limited my drinking to twice a week, and I’ve tried to make it so that both of those occasions fall when I’m in the company of a friend.

I haven’t had a problem with drugs in years, but I did in the past. Drugs are a dark part of my life that I don’t really talk about, but suffice to say other than the occasional hit or two of weed I try to avoid drugs entirely. Ordinarily I wouldn’t even address the topic of drug abuse, because that part of my life is so far behind me BUT lately I’ve had some of the old cravings and I’ve been around people who I knew could get me whatever I wanted. It’s a hard road to travel, wanting something you know almost ruined your life once but I think I’ve remained strong in abstaining. I think I learned early enough that drugs would destroy me if I let them. Some people can live their lives and be functional while on drugs. I wish I could, but I think knowing that I can’t was a revelatory moment for me.

Last night (when this was written) I went to drinks with Letter Girl, and she pointed out (as The Best Friend had pointed out two days prior) that the reason I attract “crazy girls” is because I don’t ever say no. Oh I’ll imply a no, but I’m so afraid of closing any door forever, I leave hope in the hearts misguided women. I had a girl that after a mediocre blow job (during which I had my laptop on my chest and was tweeting the encounter to the universe) tell me her daughter needed a strong father figure like me in her life. Instead of just saying outright that wasn’t a role I was into (although I did kind of say that in the beginning), I kind of just toyed with her and let her think that there was a chance we’d get together. I hate being strung along and it was a moment of both weakness and douchebaggery that made me string this poor girl along. To prevent this from happening in the future I’ve begun to state my intentions more clearly, and explained to some people that we simply don’t need to be in each other’s lives. It’s hard for me to definitively kick anyone out of my life, but I am doing it more and more. While it does hurt temporarily, it feels so much better to just be honest. Honesty is awesome.

Those were my solutions, so naturally I was just in a cycle of creating more problems, but with the help of my friends (Letter Girl in particular has been indispensable as a “victim” of mental illness herself*) I’ve found a way better solution than all of the above. I fall in love with myself every day. It sounds insane, but I’m doing a number of things correctly and I’ve started celebrating those more and not focusing on the things I get wrong. I’m going to get stuff wrong, I’m going to do things badly sometimes, but I also need to recognize that I’m incredible and I’m doing a lot of things well.

*She handles it way better than I do!

#nerdsunite

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