#DatingDetox: It's done, but now what?
Today marks the 30th day of my self imposed dating detox!!!!
Here's a rundown of the tasks I've finished ...
1) No dating for 30 days. Done.
2) No swearing. I am donating $50 to a local charity here in LA. Anyone have a suggestion please let me know!!
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. Done. I love, love, loved this btw. I thought it was going to err on the side of vanity caring about makeup and making sure you look a certain way. I genuinely never care about what I look like. My roommate will tell you that I walk around without any makeup for sometimes days at a time if I can get away with it and am in hermit mode. What I couldn't grasp though in that state was the beauty of self care. It wasn't about putting on globs of makeup but about liking what I saw in the mirror and reminding myself that damn gina, you're still a fine looking thang ova there! Having such terrible luck in dating really did a number on my self esteem.
4) Get contacts. I haven't been home in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't been able to get to my doctor. I did though make an appointment for next week, so it will get done.
5) Get my car back. No more city bus.I AM FINALLY GETTING MY CAR BACK!!! Today, I messaged my friend that has my car and asked for a text of my license plate. From there, I have to call tomorrow to find out one of the ticket numbers for my vehicle and then pay online. From theerrrreeeee, I'm going to call the insurance company and get coverage in addition to going to my appointment with my mechanic on Monday. Getting my car back is ENORMOUSLY overwhelming for me on an emotional level. I can live off of literally nothing - that's no joke. I don't need a car, but it's again part of the self care component. I don't need to take the city bus anymore. I can afford my car, gas, and insurance. After being SO POOR for a year though during my bartering social media as currency, there is this extremely irrational part of my brain that wants this massive nest egg for myself and never wants my bank account to be that low again. To feel PURE HUNGER on more occasions than I can count is something I NEVER EVER EVER want to experience again.
6) No slaves. I haven't talked to any of my slaves all month. I'm not sure where I stand on everything, but am going to give it a bit longer to see if I want to explore the community again.
7) No drinking. I didn't cut out drinking entirely, but I averaged less than a single glass of whatever each week. It was gnarly even the other night at my friend's bday party that little bit extra of wine REALLY got to me. My tolerance is NOTHING right now which is a really good thing. It was great to sometimes just get an iced tea instead of defaulting to a beer or whatever the popular cocktail was at the given location. It definitely helped my waistline as well.
8) Healthy eating. I've been eating super healthy all month. I eat powerbars after workouts, and keep pretty kosher with either a salad or small sandwich. My appetite has decreased in general and I feel fuller faster which is rad.
9) Visit the gym everyday. Dude, my clothes are falling off of me. I put on weight when I launched this brand, and within about the next 30 days I'll lose that last little bit and be back at my weight pre this site. It wasn't my intention, but it honestly feels GREAT going to spin class at the end of each day. In fact, the last two days I haven't been able to go for scheduling reasons has made me SUPER cranky. There's something about just going to class and completely shutting your brain off. Me gusta mucho.
10) I must keep my room clean. I LOVED this goal too, and I've kept it. (Except for this very moment funny enough.) I take such pride in getting up in the morning and making my bed, and hanging any lingering clothing. I'm def not a clean freak, but now I'm somewhere in between and it feels GREAT!
10) Must do 15 girly things.
Ex list:
a) maintain manicure - done
b) maintain eyebrows - done
c) bikini wax (never done that one before)
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes (I currently only own corporate sponsored shoes or domme shoes that my slaves bought me. I need to buy a pair for myself.) - done
e) girly slumber party - done
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - done
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me - done
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends - done
j) visit the lacma - done
k) host a chick flick marathon - done
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better. - done
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume - done
p) get a new tattoo (all big life changes require a tattoo) - done
q) meet someone that inspires me - done
r) make a new girlfriend
I still have two more things to do from the list, but again, considering I've been traveling for the last two weeks - I am going to give myself a little breathing room and wrap everything up this weekend.
I got back on OKC last night expecting this grand moment of relief. YES! I thought I would say, online dating!! I can have you again!!!!
Instead of being excited though, I felt a bit sad. I feel like a piece of me dies every day knowing that I am still in this place. I am such a bitch to men. I get so bored and disinterested and because I have no filter it is incredibly obvious. Then, if I am into a guy I freak thinking he must be emotionally unavailable. Most of the time, however, it turns out he's not but a lifestyle conflict arises based on my choices and it ends anyway.
I get SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED some days thinking I do ALL of this self work, and what do you get in the end? The reward from this detox happened in business and happened in my spirit. Again, my parents said when I saw them recently that they had honestly never seen me so happy. (And GENUINELY happy. Not just the crappy smile I put on my face for the first 24 years that lead to a nervous breakdown.) I feel great, there's no doubt about it, but it's still not enough. I'm 28, spending another Valentines day working, (after spending the last 28 years without a Valentine in general) and I just got out of a relationship with a plant.
Yes, a fucking plant.
None of this is normal, and I get that this is why people find me interesting ... but at the end of the day this is my real life. I'm not lonely any more because I have truly spectacular friends but I have this fear that I'm going to become this crazy obsessed capitalistic maneater. And even worse, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. It's like, this is what is in front of me. I thought FOR SURE I'd be STOKED to get out the gate again and just start dating, and now I'm not so sure. Does this mean even more self work? It's definitely created even more of a demand for my attention in general.
It's all so frustrating, and never ending. Google says I'm the "worlds best girlfriend" yet the only relationship I've had for the last 6 years has been in this last month and required watering once a week.
It's funny, I got recognized twice on the street today yet I look in the mirror and am no longer sure I recognize myself.
Now what?
