#NerdsUnite: When and when not to trust your animal instinct

Jun 19

Alrite, so I started using OkCupid in July of 2010 in an effort to break the pattern I had of dating douches. See, their site uses math to get you dates so rather than just saying, oh! this guy is cute, or oh! this guy gave me butterflies - I could try their algorithm to say yes, statistically speaking you are compatible with this person. No fuss, no muss and in my head at least eliminated a few more variables in dating.

The result? 103 dates in 9 months later - and all I did was learn about myself. I'm not mad at it clearly since self awareness is the key to EVERYTHING in life ... but after starting work with a Modern Day Shaman (@realityadjacent), I toned down the public documentation in real time of my dating and started speaking my own personal truth (understanding the universe will automatically attract like energy so I didn't need the dating site as much).

I still dated on OKC, obvi, but I did start also dating "organically."

On January 26th I got hit in the head with a brick (it was a Thursday), but after writing about it the following Saturday I decided when all was said and done I was going to get RIGHT BACK on the saddle and go back to Sunset (where I got attacked) and not be afraid to still continue living my little nomadic lifestyle.

I then went to one of my fav bars, and after a few hours of being there I got recognized (the guy told me he read the site and even asked if it was an OkCupid date).

I turned around to look at him, laughing while doing so, and when I saw the guy it was BBBAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I had sonar for this guy from the second I laid eyes on him (and at this point I hadn't had that kind of response from a guy since Romeo).

It shocked me.

Yes, this guy was incredibly attractive but having dated so many models and actors looks are the LAST thing that ever ever ever interest me in a guy.

<tangent> I can't describe that visceral response ... it's energetic ... it's this wavelength that we all send out. </tangent>

Whatever it was, this guy had it, and I wanted more.

We then started dating, and it lasted for about a month before he sat me down one night (in my bedroom) and told me that he wasn't in the right headspace to be in anything serious.

Tears streamed down my face.

You're emotionally unavailable too?

He smiled as he comforted me wiping away the tears; because he read the blogs he also understood part of my baseline and why that was so frustrating for me.

I then picked myself back up, and accepted a date with a new guy. (It's funny because the one thing that usually keeps guys away from wanting to date me is the ONE thing that always keeps me dating!! As humbly as possible, there is never ... EVER a short supply in LA.)

He and I dated for a few months, but then in April - Romeo came back into my life.

Romeo being my kryptonite, however, I decided to put an end to our contacting each other since after 8 years he STILL has yet to arrive at a place in his life where we could be in a serious and committed relationship.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago, and I met this guy at a bar. He sat down with a group of my friends and IMMEDIATELY commanded the attention of everyone.

Not in the "look at me kinda way" but in this energetic manner that he presented himself; he was one of the most present people I had ever been around.

My attention was then naturally drawn to him and we swapped numbers and wound up kicking it a few weeks later. (After the finance guy and I were officially doner than done.)

Again, my spidey animal instincts kicked in ... and I can't describe what this guy had, but I knew I wanted it. It wasn't quite the "sonar" that I had felt with the guy I met after the brick incident, but his presence was UNDENIABLE and the HOTTEST THING EVER.

We then went back to my place and made out like 8th graders.

It was hot ... really really really hot ... but low and behold ... because HE also read the site he knew that I wasn't looking just for a make out sesh and wanted to be a good guy and give me the heads up that he wasn't looking to commit to anyone anytime soon.

I laughed saying it wasn't like I wanted to put a ring on it tomorrow, but after spending almost all of my 20s single, and only being in one real relationship my entire life - I was ready for the next step in the process.

Hey, we all have to start somewhere and I am MORE than ready to start learning.

We then parted ways, and last night I got to talking to our new social dynamic expert on the site.

I asked him from an extremely genuine place to be 100% real with me and address some of my issues. I'm here to learn and I'm here to be transparent so I can better myself.

The problem might not be you though, he said - you just have to change your screening process.

There are subtle words you can drop into a conversation to see how a guy responds.

You can't just ask guys right off the bat if they are looking for something more committed, but you can say, I am now in a STABLE place in my life and am excited to be in this wonderful RELATIONSHIP with my work.

I then thought back to the mentalist and some of the tools he used ... this makes SO MUCH SENSE, I replied back.

My biggest problem though is in my animal instinct; my wiring is off, I can literally feel it.

What do you mean, he said.

With the guy that I met after I got hit in the head with the brick, I remember laying on top of him one night, post sex, and feeling his chest saying I could feel the love coming from his heart.

He tilted his head and said, that's not love.

I remember that moment and remember IMMEDIATELY feeling this big - red flag - but I couldn't deny PHYSICALLY what this guy was doing to me.

That feeling, that energy, that vibration causes a TANGIBLE and PHYSICAL reaction. My body can't HELP on a VERY VERY VERY physical level BUT to be attracted to these kinds of guys.

Even with the algorithm, I picked the only 4 emotionally unavailable. I had a breakthrough with the finance guy, but I'm still not there yet and as a female it is a VERY scary thing to not be able to trust your animal instinct.

You shouldn't discredit though the guys that you are physically attracted to. (I mentioned to him always being weak in the knees for tall, dark, and handsome. I was 6 running around the house saying over and over how I was going to marry Antonio Banderas.)

How can I not discredit it though when it is that VERY PHYSICAL response that has lead me to a place of unavailability?

He wasn't exactly sure, but after spending the rest of the night thinking about it - I realized the answer was already inside of me.

If I need to rewire and reprocess maybe I need to redefine what "self love" means to me. Again, if life is reflective and if like energy is attracting, do I love myself enough to understand how much another guy could ever love me?

What vibration AM I sending out to these guys and what in me can place my hand on someone's chest and BE SO FAR OFF on their vibrational level.

Me time ... need to go and explore my own personal truth.

How am I going to do that??

Through motherfucking domination!!

It's HILARIOUS how all of these steps just end up clicking without me ever realizing it.

So, tonight, I am taking a new foot slave over to an s&m shop to pick up some bondage gear. (I am taking him to a club Saturday night on a leash, so I want him to wear a hood so he can maintain his anonymity.)

And then tomorrow night, I am going to be dominated. A dear friend of mine is also a "switch," and offered to teach me anytime I wanted to learn.

Even though being a domme is coming INCREDIBLY naturally for me, I need to learn what responses will create certain dynamics for the subs and what better way to learn than to literally have it done to you.

Reprogramming love through becoming a dominatrix??? Not bad ... not bad at all.

Now go away, you're not interesting me anymore ...