#NerdsUnite: Epic Virginity Fail (as told by a social dynamics expert)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
First a little background ...
I grew up an awkward gangly guy. In elementary school I commanded a strong 4th (out of 5) place in the hierarchy of the nerdiest group in class. In high school I found my way into a reasonably popular group but found out in later that they valued me very little. When I was seventeen I lost my virginity (more on that in a second). The unlucky other half of this experience was so impressed with my sexual ineptitude that she felt compelled to express my ranking in her long list of sexual experiences. I’ll leave you to infer where I sat in the ranks. My freshman year in college I mostly drunk fucked anything that came my way and gracefully soiled a few beds along the way. I came too fast and had no standards to speak of.
At 23 I broke up with my first love, we were together for three years. My ex and her parents taught me about standards for myself and the people that I associate myself with. We have a limited time on this planet and who we spend that precious time with is important. Although I am atheist, I believe that God/Karma/The Universe does work in mysterious ways. In a divine act of heavenly deliverance VH1 produced a show called The Pickup Artist. During the final days of my co-inhabitation with my ex I snuck in episodes every chance that I got. I watched as 10 or so guys, whom would be called socially challenged by anyone’s standards, became charismatic social beings.
At 26 I entered a new relationship with two beautiful women who loved each other as much as they loved me. It was fucking awesome! Along the way I dated models, rockstars, artists, business women and made more friends than ever before. These friends were true friends, they answered when I called and invited me on all the fun friend trips. Beyond sex and friends I became an intuitive person and that asset has had a ripple effect from my business savvy to my family life. I am keen to the subtleties that scream people’s real feelings and know how to socially dance with both men and women. (Learning to woo men is just as important as wooing women. They are one of the many gate keepers you’ll encounter.) Most importantly I am exponentially happier than I was when I was younger. The women I have dated each taught more about myself and the friends I have garnered have had a profoundly positive affect on my life that it is beyond my linguistic ability to express.
Everything that I have learned is teachable and if you have read this far I look forward to teaching you what I know and learning from you ... and now something we can all relate to - here is how I lost my virginity:
The night started like most nights when I was in high school -multiple blunts and cheap beers.
I was 17 years old and decided that I definitely wasn't going to make it 'til marriage.
I was on the hunt to feel that amazing moment where I slide into a beautiful girl.
We would do it like the porno's that I had been going number 3 to ever since Jesse Gibson told me that if I played with myself "it" would grow bigger.
Little did I know that this would be that night and although it would be eventful it would be far from the smut flicks that I had been watching. I was sitting in the backyard, eyes half mass and ready to rock and roll. Then the girl that would pop my cherry came into my life. She sat down with a smile and she was hot. I mean hot. I got chubbed up the second that I saw her. I knew that this was the girl when she responded to one of my comments with ... "Let's turn this into a blow job party!"
Just my type of girl. She was perfect. The only other thing that I remember was her telling me about how she stole a condom from my friend. As naive, young and stupid as I was I knew what that meant.
The next thing that I remember we are in a bedroom in the house and I am fully boned up. Ready to fuckin rock! I nervously pulled the trigger and asked her where the condom was. She happily grabbed the condom and based on my kissing ability probably thought that she was in for a good night. Thank god for stealing your Dad's condoms and practicing putting them on when no one's home. I strapped up and was ready to roll.
I thought that I had it on lock.
I had a plan. I was thinking of Grandma before I even got inside her. Grandma, Grandma, Grandma. One pump, two pumps, three pumps SQUIRT! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should have known that my virgin ass was going to blow my load of man love but I really thought the Grandma thing would work.
I looked down and to my immediate shock THE FUCKING CONDOM FELL OFF!!!!!!! Wait! By Scott, I know where that little latex bastard is. So with my index and middle finger I went on a deep hunt in her already frustrated vagina to find that fucker.
No luck.
The condom was on the bed and if the fact that I spent a whole whopping 30 seconds inside this girl wasn't enough I had just aggressively gone on a condom hunt without any warning to her. EPIC FAIL! But wait once again folks it still gets more uncomfortable. Next thing you know someone comes bursting in through the bathroom door.
So let me paint the picture of what this person saw. I am bent over putting my pants on. I am sure that deep view into my ass was a pleasant start. Then came the shriek as my lady friend slammed her legs shut so that the view of her entire vagina was as brief as possible. And that is all that I can remember from my first beautiful night of making love. EPIC FAIL ERIC, EPIC FAIL!
After being consoled by some close friends I felt ok about the situation. It was my first time and apparently it’s supposed to be awkward and horrible. Who knew? But just in case you’re not convinced that it was that bad let her tell you how bad it was.
I'll need you to fast forward a couple years and I am a reasonably confident 20 year old visiting home from college. Hanging at a party with my band feelin like a pretty cool dude.
Then I see her again.
She is looking even hotter then I remember and walking towards me. Realizing that she is definitely coming to say hi to me I stand to meet her with a hug.
About half way in she stops me and says "I just wanted to let you know that you were the WORST sexual experience of my life."
Judging by the shit that was coming out her mouth the first night we met that means that I am at the bottom of a long list. What an asshole! I sat down. Confidence shot and ready to head home the last thing that I remember was her group of all hot females laughing as she rejoined them.