#Fact: I am 99% certain I have lost my mind
I have completely lost my marbles. (but no, like for reals ... I had marbles once and I lost them. If you find them can you return them to me? I'll give you a cookie. xoxox)
Motherfucking Romeo has taken hostage of my noggin and has NOT let go. I'm now over the initial shock of everything that was my weekend. Writing it all out helped EXTREMELY - and thank you all so so much for your kind words and support.
Romeo is my best friend. Hands down. I've said this in the past, out of guys girls anyone ... it's my mom, my dad, my brother, and Romeo that I would literally kill for. Of course I have really good friends as well that I'd protect if anyone messed with them or anything in between (I'm a ferocious mama hen) - but I would literally do anything for this kid. And in fact I DID when his mom died and without even asking him I invited myself up to SF to go and visit him. It wasn't a conversation I wanted to have over the phone.
I considered him emailing me back last year after I posted on him such an extreme blessing. We did not end things well, and we haven't really talked since I launched this brand. He's of COURSE been in my thoughts and in my prayers - but what are you going to do?
Then, of course, I read that he has a gf - and obviously I am devastated, but it was extreme wishful thinking that my series of posts would have "won him back" in any capacity.
I then LITERALLY let him go completely with my work with the shaman. I FULLY on every level of my being knew that I would always love him, but that I had to do what was best for me and that was to do a ton of internal work and see what happens. Then in January I pushed my growth into overdrive and REALLY REALLY REALLY committed to everything. I stopped posting so much on my sex life, I had given up casual sex months prior - I was very genuinely ready for more. Then in February I put out this call that I am ready, and come to find out a few weeks later he breaks up with his girlfriend?
I had emailed Romeo in January asking to meet up with him. In it I said I really from the depths of my everything just needed a true friend more than anything. It took him a few weeks, but on February 15th (had to check my Facebook emails to confirm that one), he called me randomly and asked what I was doing.
Watching the Kardashians, I said. I explained that that was the worst sentence I had ever uttered, but I needed something to shut my brain off.
He then explained that he was in Hollywood and wanted to see if I could meet. I said yes, I'd adore it - and literally 20 minutes later he and I met at this restaurant. I ordered a tea as he parked his car, and the waiter actually gave it to me for free.
Do you come here a lot, he asked?
No, I say - but the dude admitted to reading the site so it was really freaking sweet. I didn't say that to him though, I just chalked it up to good karma. (I also left a good tip)
Romeo and I talked for only a half hour. He wouldn't even sit down, it was kinda awkward - we were both just standing against this rail .... but he let me pour my soul to him, and hugged me, which was all I needed.
Little did I know though, now connecting the dots, that was two days after he broke up with his girlfriend. He didn't drop a SINGLE HINT at anything, he just listened to me blab on ... like he always does.
I asked him how he was doing, and he told me great. Liar liar pants on fire.
He obviously could have tried to make a move, or tell me what was up and rebound - but he waited TWO FREAKING MONTHS!!! And literally HOURS before I was going to have a serious conversation before the guy I was currently dating, he says he is at the bar ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE. Blows me away. absofreakinglutely.
I still don't know what his headspace is like, but I literally cannot stop thinking about him and how "scripted" this all feels. It sounds like a fucking movie, but this is my life!!! A happy ending is not a guarantee!!!
I'm focusing right now on staying very present, and eliminating as many of the expectations I could have with anything. (which is EXTREMELY difficult to do btw)
I'm excited more than anything that it looks like I'll be dating my best friend sometime in the next few whatever. This obviously all came WAYYYY out of left field, but life is funny that way.
This entire dynamic though changes so much about my views on life and love. Come on, I spend 7 months doing self work, send out this call to the universe and HE answers after me thinking there was no way we'd EVER get to be together. Literally! I freaking wrote him off!!! We've known each other for EIGHT YEARS almost to the DAY!!! I wished him well obviously and hoped that I would have reached a point where we could have started talking again.
Getting to kiss him on Wednesday was the most amazing thing ever. My body can't stop fluttering with excitement and fear; its all so intense.
I'm just honestly really scared more than anything. My biggest fear right now is him coming back into my life and then pulling a "just kidding." It's highly unlikely, but obviously a possibility.
I can't work, I can't think, I can barely even breathe.
How do people do this? I'm not used to being emotionally so vulnerable. It's incredibly uncomfortable and professionally speaking a liability.
I spent so many years in my late teens early 20s picturing this life with him - but he kept reassuring me over and over and over that it was never going to happen; it crushed me. Then, when he was ready for me, I wasn't - so in my state of bitch (which was just a defense mechanism) I broke his heart and we haven't really spoken since.
It's all so overwhelming. I don't normally feel emotions this intense. I go from crying tears of joy to crying tears of fear. I'm very detached emotionally from people. I appreciate them certainly in the here and now, but I've never ever felt the need to stay besties with someone for years and years. It's weird to me. I think people change, and grow - and we should all be working to better ourselves everyday. To now have him back in my life changes everything. I'm fucking putty. And I hate putty.
#help
PS. the wifi at Fuddruckers in Burbank sucks. I'm currently charging my Chevy Volt (tell you all about that in a bit) and stopped here because they had free wifi. It's gone out three times in writing this post. Lame sauce.
