#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 3

UGHHH!!! This story is so fucking inspiring and I had no idea I still had all of this inside of me. OH OH OH!! And as of 3 hours ago it has a new ending. SOOOO AAMMAAZINNNNGGGG!!! I fucking LOVE social media. Like seriously ... if I could continuously dry hump it for the rest of my life I would be one. happy. camper.

Alrite. So here's part 1, and part 2 ... the first week I moved to LA I fell in love. Like hardcore. For the first time in all my life. It's a beautiful story that I haven't thought about in a while, but I just emailed the duderino yesterday on Facebook ... and yeah, that happened. =)

Here's part 3, and here's the song ...

After he sent me that text a part of me died. My heart broke in a way that I didn't know was possible. The way that we met, the feeling he gave me - it was JUST like in the movies and all the romantic comedies I grew up worshipping. How could my story end up so differently? I don't understand! Isn't love supposed to conquer all?

I fell into a super gnarly depression. It sucked because we lived so close, I literally passed his house every day on my way to work. (He lived on this side street from a main road, and to avoid the untimed red lights, you could take it, and cut over. Totally made my life ... but now totally broke my heart even more.)

Don't look over Jen. Don't look for his car ... keep driving. Focus on the road ... focus on the road ... you can do this.

I look over.

That's his window, I wonder if he's inside.

WHOOPS! SQUIRREL!!!! Focus Friel!!!! 

Morning, noon, and night, I had one thing on my mind - Romeo.

I was close with the chick that I actually shared my room with at the time, so she and I used a fake ID and went out to a couple bars in Hermosa, and Huntington in the hopes of meeting another guy.

Guy after guy ... date after date ... they weren't Romeo.

I sobbed uncontrollably in her arms, when does the pain stop? I can't do this anymore. Tell me this isn't what love is really like.

Shhhhhhh ... it's okay.

I don't ever want to feel this way again. This is why I don't date. People just get hurt. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't - I don't have the energy.

You can't just close yourself off entirely to love though. Would you trade in that first kiss you guys had?

No. But I can't get it back.

It's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all.

Fuck philosophy. I want my heart to stop hurting.

I cannot begin to tell you all how many dates I went on during that time. If the mail man was single, I prolly how you doin-ed him. I even went out with this one dude, I forget how I met him, he was like 40 and took me to this greek restaurant in Westwood and we had dinner with Christian Brando. It was SOOOOOOOO weird. I recognized the last name Brando obviously, but had no idea who Christian was. Fortunately for google I figured that out and never called the guy back. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! INSANE!!!!!!! (PS. R.I.P. duderino)

Fucking freaky. I've always been good at getting back up from falling down. If I can't fully process something I'll write about it in my journal and compartmentalize my thoughts as much as possible to still figure out how to function. I grieve as much as possible but I'm good at not letting feelings incapacitate me. Just gotta keep on keepin' on! And keep on dating til something sticks!!!

About a month later I get an email from an old high school crush telling me that he is coming out to LA, and would love to hang out. RAAAADDDDDD I thought!!!! This guy was omg - so hot! If anyone can snap me out of this it'll be him!!! Dudes, he was the only guy to ever ask me to a dance!!! For reals! I didn't get asked to prom, but by junior homecoming I got to go with the guy I had the BIIGGEESSTTT crush on!!!! It was weird because he never made a move or anything. He literally took me to homecoming, and dropped me off. Ugh - okay. Teens can be weird and awkward when they're in school, so maybe now this will be our time to shine!!! I HAVE to have sex with someone outside of Romeo. Truly the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

The high school dude came out, and it was fucking weird, man. He was staying with a friend of his from Italy and the chick was a total pussy block. I don't know what her deal was, if they were boning, or had, or whatever - but it was HANDS DOWN one of my weirdest nights in LA. It was like his lack of game magnified over the years, and there I was having polite conversations when all I wanted to do was get my mack on. Compound that fact that this all took place in Pasadena, and you just have a menagerie of messes. Who under the age of 40 lives all the way out in fucking Pasadena?!?!?! Weird.

So yeah, that happened. I don't even think I kissed the dude or anything that night. I remember he walked me to my car, and I think that chickadee was like watching or something. Super fucking creepy. Felt very Bates motel-ish.

I came back to the apartment even more frustrated than normal. If this guy ... THIS GUY couldn't get me over Romeo - no one could.

I frantically searched my room for the note from Super Cuts. I had deleted his number from my phone, and unfortunately not kept an extra copy ... but the note HAAASSSSSS to be somewhere!!!!

I searched high .... low ... under the bed ... around the bed ... in the closet ... under the dresser ... nada. When I say I ripped my room apart, I mean I RIPPPEEEEEEEEEDDDDD THAT ROOM APART looking for that note.

I collapsed in the newly created pile of crap and cried. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, this wasn't how it was supposed to end. When does the pain stop? Why do I still hurt??! Why did he have to lose his fucking job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I googled his name like mad (mind you I moved to LA in the spring of 2004, and this was now almost the end of that year - WAYYYYYYYY ahead of the big social media boom), and turned up nothing. I checked the white pages ... nada. I had an address but wtf am I supposed to do with that?!

Drive bys!!! No, wait, Jen - that's creepy. What happens when he sees you ... oh scuse please, I just so happened to be creepin by your apartment trying to stare into your window. Totally normal. 

I sobbed harder knowing that there was no end to this pain that I was feeling.

A few more months went by ... then came the holidays ... my birthday ... and then New Years ... still no sighting of Romeo. I decided that year to finally join a gym, so I hit up the local LA Fitness. I worked out on my lunch breaks (as there was one walking distance from the office), and almost every night trying to find a place for all this energy I had.

I used the stair master a lot as my ADD was too bad for the treadmill or the elliptical. I climbed down the stair master one day and stared blankly out at the basketball courts which were directly behind them.

Not 30 seconds into me watching, I see this guy stop and point at me. YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I come out of my haze a bit and take a sip of water as he runs to me. 

JEN! It's you! said Romeo. I've been looking all over for you hoping to find you. Can you stay here for a minute, I need to talk to you.

I begin to feel lightheaded.

The moment ... and I mean the MOMENT that I stopped thinking about him, I just so happen to watch a game he is playing basketball in at MY gym!!! I had no fucking idea he even went to this gym. WHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately sit down on the ground not wanting to pass out.

Water, Jen. Drink water. This is real ... and this is happening.

A few minutes later he emerges from the court.

I've been looking everywhere for you - I haven't forgotten about you.

I'm ... shocked.

We start walking towards the gym garage.

How have you been? What have you been up to?

I'm good - I just got promoted. I'm no longer a receptionist. I'm now sort of the general office assistant and I get to edit trailer scripts which I enjoy.

That sounds great!

How have you been?

I'm doing a lot better. I got a new job working as an editor, I'm really pleased with it.

He stops mid-sentence. You look amazing, Jen. 

Thank you. So do you.

Here's my number. Can I see you sometime?

Of course.

I kiss him on the cheek, and walk over to my car, cautious to not look back. Be cool, Jen. Be cool.

I close the car door, and it hits me like a ton of bricks ...

I still love him.

I DASH home from the gym and run inside the apartment shouting to my roommates ... I saw him! I saw him! I saw him!!!!

Saw who?

ROMEO!!!!!!

I thought you were over him - it's almost been a year?

No! I'm not. And this is just like in a movie ... we just happened to bump into each other at the gym. What are the ODDS that I would stop and watch some random basketball game and he JUST HAPPENS to be playing in it. TOTAL COINCIDENCE!!!!!

That is pretty weird.

This is true love ... this has to be true love. If this isn't - I don't know what is.

Later that week he texts me.

::beep:: Wanna come over?

::typing:: sure! b right there ::sent::

I drive over, and he clicks open the gate. AHHHHH yes, the gate! The same gate I had been staring at morning and night on my way to and from work. The same gate that I hoped and prayed he would come out of when I just happened to be on my way to work ... I had fantasies about reconciling with him here. Who knew life would throw me a curve ball and make it happen at the gym!! Hey, I'm not complaining.

He opens my car door and we embrace.

God, I missed you, he says.

We continue to kiss.

We barely make it upstairs before he was inside of me. I remember him being on top, and me touching his chest and he shook and said, I've never been touched by anyone the way you touch me.

I kissed him.

And then we made love. Yep, "made love." Romeo and I didn't bone ... ever. This was passion, this was intense, this was the kinda love that parted seas, and people wrote books about.

I didn't just love Romeo, I loved him more than anything I had ever felt in my entire life. It was all encompassing - and I couldn't BELIEVE that we had bumped into each other again. WHO. DOES. THAT. HAPPEN. TO??!

A couple more weeks go by, and Romeo and I hang out. And when I say hang out, I mean literally ... hang out. He didn't take me out on any dates, he just sort of randomly invited me to come by his place. I understood that it seemed weird to my friends, but I didn't care. I had spent almost a year with this guy out of my life and my heart hurt ... it hurt so bad ... I didn't want to go back to that place.

We made love in his bed, on the couch, in the shower, in his car, I think even on his stairs ... it was hot. I tore him apart, and it was the first time in my life I had actually enjoyed sex. I lost my virginity to a guy who could be a stand in for Ron Jeremy. It was horrible, uncomfortable, and just ... blah. Then I took my best friends virginity in high school, but that was a one timer. Outside of that, I boned a few dudes here and there, but we were just friends and kind of a one off (hahahahahaha a one off to get off. HIGH-LARIOUS!). Romeo was not only my first love, but my first time truly exploring my sexuality. I literally think I wore him out. It was GGGRRREEEAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!

I loved Romeo, but after a few months I wanted more. I didn't just want to be friends that hooked up. Yes, I was glad that we were back in each other's lives, but that wasn't enough; I wanted a relationship.

I point blank asked him one day why we weren't dating, and he said he just wasn't ready. A girl in college had really destroyed him emotionally, and while he valued our time together - he just couldn't go to that place again.

FUUUCCKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Are you serious right now? Are we gonna do this? We've known each other for a year at this point. I worship you!!!!!! What more do you want from me?!?!?!

I, of course, said none of that.

I think I mustered up the words ... oh ... followed by, alrite.

I had a choice to make. I could stay in this love purgatory, or I could be grateful for what we had, but realize I needed to move on.

I took a deep breath, and went back to making love.

I will stay in love purgatory, spank you very much big brain of mine!!!!!!

We stayed FWB (friends with benefits) for almost a year. Then, around my 21st birthday I said enough was enough. I started to go out to bars, and I quickly realized that there were in fact other fish in the sea. I loved Romeo, I loved him very much ... but I couldn't handle this place that he wanted me to be in his life.

He called me over one last time, and I knew in my heart that this was it. This had to be it ... I just needed one last good bye fuck to make it all better.

I never told him what I was doing, but I slowly stopped answering his texts until it got to the point that he stopped trying.

The break this time felt easier. Maybe because I was in control of it ... I dunno. But like a champ I just picked myself up, and hit the LA bar scene. Well that, and Match.com!

I had a couple of great dates on Match, but still - no kiss matched the kiss from Romeo. Determined to find that prince among the frogs I pretty much made out with half of LA. hahahaha I'm totally not kidding, and I'm totally not ashamed. I didn't bone many guys, as I was still young, and still totally a prude - but gimme a couple shots of SoCo, and whooooooooooiiiiiiieeee!!!!! Hello sexy lover faces!!!

A few more months go by, a new year is celebrated (this is 2006 now for those counting), and I get a text from Romeo. He said he is moving to San Francisco and wants to see me before he goes.

Wait, shut the front door. Romeo is leaving LA? Romeo IS la!!!! How can this be happening?!?!?

I have to see him before he goes - I have to say good bye.

Alrite nerdlings, gonna take a break here. This is getting super duper long! Next up, we say our goodbyes, I get in another relationship, and then a death in the family causes Romeo to re-evaluate things ... tremendously.

Insane.

Insane.

and intense.

UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! This is such a good stooorrrryyyyyyyy!!! Super grateful to share it with you all. Thanks so so much for reading. You all make my life!!! xoxoxoxxoxoxxoxo

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#nerdsunite

HAHA DUDES! I can't even begin to tell you how many long lost maybe relatives I've found or have found me via twitter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHmazing!!! =) =) =) xoxoxox