Fun with #OkCupid: Congratulations, I've been on over 103 dates, but you were the first to make me cry

Jul 18

Dear OkCupid,

I liked you ... I really did. Even after all of the dates, I stayed supremely positive, and upbeat ... but I have to ask you, what was last night??

Alrite, so the other day - I got a comment on an older, but super super super personal post - he didn't say anything that I hadn't heard before, but his timing was incredible. Like incredible incredible.

I had an emotionally very ... awesome week. A lot of cool shit is going on with the site, the brand in general, and yah, I'm not only super proud of it, but just kinda processing it and figuring out. No matter what, having suits ask you about what you want to do with the rest of your life ... is just weird. There's nothing not weird about having your life being turned into a TV show.

It's weird when it's being written because this was all things that you personally experienced, and then to sit there now and also examine where you want things to go, and where people think your career should go is weird. Just period end of sentence. As ready as I am, it can't not be weird. It's a completely foreign and unnatural process that I am experiencing, but just kinda going with.

Lemme get a song up too, btw ...

Alrite, so this dude wrote that comment, and he just so happened to also include his email addy. I don't know why, but I felt incredibly compelled to not just comment back but email him. It was like 2 am, and I just said thank you so so much ... really meant the world to me. Clear, concise, my usual.

I then get this response back ...

Jen... so when I woke and read your email this morning, I was a bit surprised. I wondered why you took the time (albeit a couple of lines) to thank me, especially so profusely. And it got me wondering - why did you even write that post? Well, I just learned about your blog like 2 days ago through OKCupid. And I remembered seeing another post entitled, "Why I live a transparent life." So rather than write you asking you why you decided to disclose the absurdity of your grandparents actions (my judgment, of course) and your feelings about it, I figured, why not just go read it - I mean, you've got it up there, right? I didn't know I was getting myself into an hour and half or so of reading (could have been more, actually). Jesus. You. Can. Tell. A. Story. Like for realsy reals. I realized after the entire Walkie Talkie album had finished just how long I'd been sitting here. Damn girl, you had some childhood. I'm not going to say I can relate to anything specifically, except for that I had a difficult childhood - but I think that's probably the majority of people. Growing up is hard.

Anyway, thank you for sharing, again. I'll admit that I kind of had the "I can't look away" syndrome on this one - but it's not like I read tabloids or watch E! I actually loathe that garbage. I'm just truly fascinated by the realness that people are willing to share. One of my mentors once told me, (I don't think this is verbatim but I will try) "The meaning of life is to have experiences, and then share them with other people." And I will say that I could feel you and that's what matters most to me. I think I even teared up a couple times (at strange times, I noticed). So from what I've read, I've really loved your blog. I mean, I read 4 posts I think. One of them was about shit you needed on a road trip, hoodies, headphone and whatnot and yea, compared to three others I read, it's not meant for the same impact, clearly. But the 3 others were "something else".

I noticed about myself how easy it is to cast judgment from only a little bit of information. I found you on OKCupid and your post about 103 dates caught my eye and I read it with great interest - then wrote you a little something to your inbox. I forget what I said but I know I have a different picture of you now then I did then. I saw you as too smart for your own good (ugh, I hate when people say that to me, why would I say it to you??) and not willing to emote. But now I know it's not the case. You cried 100x more in those stories than I have in my entire life (whatever that means). It does make me curious why you didn't emote much in that post about 103 dates and you did so much in the others - but I think you mentioned another post about still recovering from a broken heart, that I have not yet read. I'm sure that might paint the picture.

What an odd way to get to know someone, though. Because, I'll be honest about what I'm thinking and what I want. Truthfully, I'm fascinated by you. I don't know why but I've always been drawn to complex personalities. I could probably go on for a while about why that is but my best guess is that it humbles me and keeps me interested, always learning more. So I'll tell you straight up - I'd like to meet you. I don't want to go on a "date", I just want to see if we'd have fun together as friends. Don't roll your eyes I'm not trying to trick you. Yea, maybe you're going to turn out to be really pretty and I'll be attracted to you and then maybe it will feel like a date. But the honest truth is that it doesn't seem like we want the same things or that we're in the same place in life, in respect to relationships. So with that in mind, I'm being practical and up front about it (though I'm always open to being wrong). And I think it would be more fun to get to know you in person, instead of through your blog... which just seems way too one-sided. Yes, I crack up at your references to Sandler and Simpsons... but it would be a lot funnier if you could hear my Nelson impression. And no, I'm not going to record it and send you a youtube link.

So tomorrow night I'm going to go UCB and watch Asssscat. It starts at 7:30 and if you want decent seats, you gotta get there by at least 6:30, so I usually end up there at 6:15 because for me, it's all about getting good seats. So if you're free, come meet me. Seriously, I don't invite a lot of people to do this with me, especially those that I've never met - because else I'll wind up in line with somebody for over an hour who I may or may not be able to have a conversation with. But I feel fairly confident about you. I think your dates went well because you have a dynamic personality and a genuine interest in people. And I have a lot of stories, so it will be fun.

And I'm not worried about needing to convince you I'm not a crazy person. You've already outlined your internet-sleuthing nature. I don't hide any of my shit so you can find my facebook page and certainly my blog and my OKCupid page. Granted, I've done ZERO SEO for my blog, but I just checked and apparently I am still #4 for "XXXXXXXXXX" broad match. I take it though, considering my piss poor effort, especially considering my profession (though 0.0 people per month search for that term).

OK, let me know if you want to go.

Dude, epic. Totally honest, upfront. No matter what because he resonated with the site, of COURSE I was going to meet the duderino. That's my life!! If I can thank every one of you, I would!!! This is my passion, if it can resonate with even a single person in this world, I can die knowing I made a contribution.

We swapped numbers, and then later in the evening he sends me this text mentioning again his email he sent me on OKC. I was like hmmmmm he sent me something on OKC, eh? I then went through, found his email - and holy fuckerdy this dude was hot. Like hotter than hot, and totally my type. If he was half as intelligent as he seemed as well, this was going to be rad.

So, he arranges to meet up at UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade - improv comedic troupe, used to have a show on Comedy Central). I get there a little early, and just wait in line - as I take the city bus, so I always air on the side of a little early versus running the risk of something happening with the bus and being late.

He walks up to me, and ommmggggg he is even cuter in person. Like straight up, he looks EXACTLY like this dude that I dated for a hot minute when I was living in NYC.

His name is Itay, and he's this super nutty Israeli. Same hair, same build - it was creepy actually. He came to LA a few years back, and hit me up ...

Loved Itay. We stayed pretty good friends, but he lives on the other side of the world, and isn't into social media, so whatcha gonna do.

So yeah, the second my date tonight walked up it was an immediate, oh hellooooooooo. Mama likes.

We started talking, and conversation flowed pretty organically - no complaints. Dude, he took out a little piece of paper and was asking me personality questions from OKC. Super fucking nerd - I LOVED IT! He's well traveled, super fucking smart, and works online - but recognized that talking about what we do was a turn off for both of us ... we stayed conscious to not break out too much of the geek speak.

We talked for literally over an hour before the show began. We go in, see the show - which was HIGH-LARIOUSSSS!!! omg omg omg, they are SUCH talented improv actors!!! And he says why don't we grab some dinner!

We then hit up Birds next door, and got our munchin on. We order food, and then I don't remember exactly how it was brought up, but he says, how do you think this date is going so far?

Great, I replied. I was super turned on by the dude, he's super smart ... UGH! I can go on ...

His next question catches me off guard.

Are you attracted to me?

Wait, what? I thought!

You don't think I'm attracted to you?? I say sincerely confused.

You're not flirting back.

What do you MEAN I'm not flirting back?

I'm teasing you with stupid things, and you take them all as matter of fact.

<tangent> Yep, I am incredibly gullible. I dunno if someone says something, specifically on a first date - I'm not going to judge it, no matter how absurd it seems. I just go with things ... if they're gonna be weird, alrite rad! I'm not gonna laugh at it, I'll just sort of move on in my noggin. </tangent>

I IMMEEDDIIAAATTEELLLYYY start to put up my guard at this point. My body physically became more tense, and my already awkward self just got that much more ... awkward.

I don't understand why you're even asking that. I then ask him what signals I am giving off to show him that.

He commented on my body language, and lack of hair touching.

DUDE! I said with excitement, I've totally touched my hair a bunch of times. I was incredibly conscious of the fact that dudes look for a chick that does that as it is a sign of interest.

Maybe that's it, he said, it wasn't organic.

<tangent> This dude when we were talking also mentioned having read The Game, and was an incredibly incredibly incredibly aware, and conscious individual. He just got back from a spiritual retreat in Big Sur - incredibly aware person. Whenever I am around someone that knows NLP or anything from the PUA community, I tend to overcompensate - so I dunno, maybe he was picking up on that. </tangent>

I explained to him that when I first meet someone that I am in the mode of an observer. I want to sort of analyize them, and watch to see before I really "put myself out there."

But then it's not organic, he said.

This is how I am though - I don't know how to not be that way, but that's why I do what I do. At least if I can document it, I can look back and psychoanalyize.

I'm very very very guarded. I don't know how to not be. The reason why I started this site was from a broken heart. I don't know how to not be "emotionally unavailable" but I am making a VALIANT effort every.single.day. to better myself and be more open.

UGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! I cannot begin to tell you how unbelievably uncomfortable that entire conversation was. He went on and on about things he noticed, and I genuinely wanted to hear since again, I am doing this in an attempt to better myself as a person - but sitting there, digesting it ... ALL IN REAL LIFE, was a lot. A lot a lot.

He excused himself for a moment to use the restroom, and I caught myself tearing up. I'm a tough broad. Like tough tough broad, but dating is something I am INCREDIBLY sensitive about. I don't know how to do it!!! I'm not someone who is naturally predisposed to having intimate relationships with people. I grew up estranged from both sides of my family, was literally stalked in high school - restraining orders and all, fell head over heels in love with a dude only to find out he was having sex with countless other women. Bat shit! But again, I am TRRRYYINNNNNGGGGG to make myself available, and trying to learn what doesn't come naturally to me. To have someone call you out on so many things you were doing "wrong" was just a total kick in the face as I was already down.

It hurt man, it totally fucking hurt.

No matter what though, I wasn't willing to walk away from this not learning something, so I held back the tears, unfortunately they hadn't fully cleared before he came back to the table. I looked over to my left and started commenting on the palm trees.

Wow, those are so beautiful ... and so tall ...

I had no fucking idea what came out of my mouth. I just didn't want him to look at me and see my big blue eyes red, and teary.

He totally bought it, and it gave me just enough time to truly compose myself, and take a breather.

You ready, he said.

Yep!

We get up, and start walking down Franklin Blvd. Look at that, he says, it's the Celebrity Center for Scientology. Wanna see if they will let us in?

Um, YES!!!! Hi have we not met?? hahahaha I am ALWAYS down for an adventure.

It was great too because I didn't want to leave this date on a sour note, and I appreciated the spontaniety, as I don't have a schedule in my life, nor do I make plans outside of 86,400 seconds.

We then go inside, and OMMMMMGGGG that place gives me the heeby jeebs. Scientologist for REALS have always. always. always. freaked me the fuck out energetically speaking. I can't describe it - it's this immediate impulse of I.WANT.OUT.

No matter what though, I figured this could be cool, and at least something to write about.

We walk in and holy fuckerdy that place is opulent! The moldings, the art - wow. wow. wow. beautiful building, but mannnn did it feel hollow. There was no soul to that place, and the only vibe I did get was that of, WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGHERE?!?! LEAVELEAVELEAVE!!!

We walked up to the front receptionist, and asked if we could have a tour. Not a problem, he said, let me call someone down.

I then excuse myself to use the restroom, and omg omg omg omg omg I wanted to jump out of my skin. Walking down that hall, I couldn't even make eye contact with the people that worked there - their white outfits ... there is nothing about this place that doesn't SCREAM creepy.

Whatever I think, as I compose myself in the bathroom. This is an adventure, and I can walk in with an open mind.

This dude greets us at the front desk, and away we go into this little back office-ie room where they then ask us what we know about Scientology.

I mentioned a few things here ... and a few things there ... but I dunno. I'm gonna stop myself here. The place fucking CREEPS.ME.OUT. I don't even want to write about it - at all. I don't want to relive that energy. We went through this little intro thing, we watched some vids - and then I was done. I don't want to write about it, that's their thing, I won't stand in judgement ... but for me, it's never going to happen. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Did I say never ever? Cause never ever ever ever ever ever.

Heeby jeebs times a trillion.

I asked for a piece of literature just to signal to the host that I wanted to leave. He gave me this DVD ...

... and then we bolted.

Apparently though, I was a little too convincing in the little intro room, because my date turned and said, wow! You were super into that!!!

I laughed, are you kidding me?!?! No dude, that was just acting.

Wow, could have fooled me!

We then walked back to his car, and he offered to give me a ride back so I didn't have to take the bus back. Normally, that's a big no no for me, as I genuinely enjoy riding the bus and people watching - but whatevs, he's harmless. What more could happen?

We get in the car, and start to drive back to my apartment. He asked again, so what did you think about this date?

I had a blast, I said. I think you're a very interesting person, and dinner might have gotten a bit weird for a moment - but I had a blast randomly walking into the Scientology center and having an adventure!!! HAHA that was GREAT! Yay for new experiences.

Do you think you'd want another date? Absolutely, I said. I'd love to see you again.

He remains silent, and unenthused.

... I take it you don't feel the same way? What did you think?

He still remains silent.

Well ...

I hate rejecting people.

In that moment, the moving car suddenly became very still as the big bold letters to each word were splashed in front of my face.

I. HATE. REJECTING. PEOPLE.

Rejecting? What? Who the fuck is this guy?

I just don't think we're compatible. You do?

If ever there was an epic facepalm moment. I wanted to die ... yet again. Here I am, on this date, not calling it a social experiment ... an actual date date. Putting myself out there, and there you go, you kick me down at dinner. THEN, I am totally willing at that point to be cool about it, and again, see it as beneficial to better myself, alrite? Alrite! We then have fun, albeit creepy fun, at the Scientology center, and RIGHHHTTT as I am about to get dropped off, you kick me down AGAIN and flat out reject me?

I'm a tough broad ... like tough tough broad. I can throw, and take a punch, wield a knife, can fire a gun - I'm an emotional person yes, but I don't ever let people get to me ... ever. Dating is a soft spot for me. A big one. This guy managed to kick me not once, but TWICE to my face?

What is going on here!

He pulls up to my apartment. Wait, I don't want you to just get out of the car.

What am I supposed to say? I'm attracted to you, clearly you're not to me. I can put on my big girl pants, but it's time for me to leave the car.

I told him, this is where I stand, have a good night - and closed the door.

I walked up my driveway and sincerely wondered what was wrong with me. Was the only reason I was attracted to this dude because he wasn't attracted to me?!?! What. is. wrong. with. me. I CAN'T SEEM TO BREAK THIS FUCKING PATTERN!!!

I get inside the house and breakdown.

He first tells me I am coming across too cold, and I'm not flirting enough. Then, I open up - we go and have a pretty cool little adventure, and he then kicks me down AGAIN?!?! Like seriously?!

I couldn't stop sobbing. Like hysterical.

How is it I have a 30 second return on manifesting things - I can FULLY reinvent myself, build a business off of it, be writing a book, have a TV show in development, but can't date?! Like, you're joking right??

Fail.

Oh yeah, so then as I'm sitting here crying, and writing this post ... I get a text message:

"Can you hop on the internet so we can chat for a bit? im not feeling awesome about our last interaction. if not, no biggie."

Wanting to not be a total bitch, I figured I could at least hear him out. I asked for his skype - and popped online. This is our actual chat:

I immediately logged off. I might not have been able to walk out on the date, since again, I still genuinely took it as a learning experience - but I could certainly log offline.

I don't ever let people upset me. Dudes, I work online, I publicly post my life ... I've seen it, been there, and done that. Gives you an unbelievably thick skin. This guy got to me. It was a date, not a social experiment. I wasn't a brand, I was a person. A 26 year old chick who like the rest of the world was looking for love - and I got kicked while I was down not once ... but twice ... and then you get on skype and do that?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL???

I very genuinely don't think I have ever met someone so consciously aware, and so cold. That hurt, man. That hurt a lot. Now you wanna be besties?

Dude - I've got two words for you.

World, I am ON.MY.FUCKING.KNEES. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going out on dates. I am clearly unbelievably god awful at it, and my heart can't take it anymore. I'M HUMAN!!!

I'm done.