#Randombling: Xanax + Wine + Epic Stache = uh, this post?
<editorsnote> Normally, as you all know, I use planes to write; it is my "down time." My 305 boyfriend, however, is absolutely absolutely absolutely PETRIFIED of planes. Our first flight together back out to LA was his first time flying in 7 years. Big deal …. HUGE deal, and my role while flying has now been altered. To ease his anxiety about flying, he takes xanax and also chooses to let's say "liquify" the rest of his courage.
On his first commercial flight, while we were sitting in first class (wait, he just did a fist pump as i typed this. is that a sprinkler? i don't even know what he is doing right now …) he fell in love with the flight attendant Robert who happens to possess NOT ONLY the attitude of Burt Reynolds (his personal hero) but also his epic stache; both of our lives have been changed & we are now writing from that place …. </editorsnote>
::10 minutes after take off we have not only been notified of extreme turbulence, but also a 25 minute delay in seat belt sign release.::
Me: I HAVE TO GO PEE!! SO SO SO BADLY!!!
305: FEELS LIKE ST ANTHONY JUST TOUCHED MY PROSTATE IN A BAD WAY.
Me: IS THERE A GOOD WAY TO BE TOUCHED BY ST ANTHONY? ISNT HE THE SAINT YOU TALK TO FOR LOST THINGS?
305: YES I ASKED HIM ONCE TO LOOK FOR GABRIEL'S HORN SO HE COULD BLOW IT. WHEN HE REPLIED WHERE IS THE HORN I POINTED AT MY TROUSERS.
Me: ….. THIS MAKES SENSE …
::stares in a state of slight confusion::
305: I HAVE A FEELING YOU ARE NOW LOST SO ASK ST ANTHONY WHERE MY HEAD IS ON THIS ONE & THEN ASK ROBERT BECAUSE HE "GETS IT."
Me: NO, I'M NOT LOST. ST GABRIEL IS THE "FALLEN ANGEL." HE IS THE SAINT THAT BECAME EVIL, CORRECT?
(said the chick that grew up in an all jewish town and not only asked at age 7 who actually "wrote" the bible but barely passed CCD out of confusion of organized religion in general and a series of too many "questions" asked of priests that still have yet to provide an answer.)
305: I AM THINKING YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ARCHANGEL MICHAEL WHO FELL FROM GOD'S GRACE'S BUT GOOD OLD GABRIEL WAS INVOLVED BECAUSE GOD CAUGHT MICHAEL BLOWING GABRIEL'S HORN.
Me: THAT'S RIGHT. GABRIEL IS THE MESSENGER OF GOD. BASICALLY, HE'S THE DUDE THAT HAD TO COME IN AND CLEAN UP ALL THE DIRTY WORK THAT GOD CREATED. HE WAS HIS ASSISTANT IF YOU WILL, AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THINGS THAT START WITH THE WORD ASS …
305: I BELIEVE THE TECHNICAL TERM WOULD BE "SPLUG MOPPER."
::he whispers loudly in my ear "do you know what that is?" as i type …::
Me: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS.
305: IT'S THE DUDE THAT CLEANED UP AFTER SUCH PEOPLE AS PEE WEE HERMAN WHEN HE PLEASURED HIMSELF IN A MOVIE THEATER.
Me: SO, HE'S A CLEANER, BUT NOT IN THE SAME WAY LIKE THE DUDE FROM THE PROFESSIONAL.
PS. NATALIE PORTMAN WAS AAAHHHHMAZING IN THAT MOVIE, AND SHE WAS 12.
AT 28 I STILL FEEL INFERIOR TO HER 12 YEAR OLD BAD ASSERY IN THAT MOVIE.
305: AND I NEEDED A SPLUG MOPPER AFTER WATCHING HER IN THAT.
Me: I HAVE HEARD THAT A LOT ACTUALLY. THIS IS A TANGENT RIGHT? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS? AND HOW IS ROBERT'S MUSTACHE DOING?
305: VERY WELL FROM WHAT I CAN SEE … AND THE POST STARTED WITH A FULL BLADDER WHICH SEEMS TO BE GETTING FULLER BY THE MINUTE AND THE BUMPY SKIES ARE NOT HELPING.
Me: FOR REALS, I REALLY DO HAVE TO PEE TOO. WAIT, SO YOU'RE IN THE WINDOW AND IM IN THE AISLE. DOES ETIQUETTE DICTATE WHO GOES FIRST? AND DONT I WIN TWICE OVER BECAUSE IM A WOMAN AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
PS. IM AN EPPPIICCC PEE-ER. 2013 FASTEST PEE-ER THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI WHICH IS SPELLED M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I. AH BUGGAR, I JUST REMINDED MYSELF OF PEEING. FAIL FRIEL, FAIL.
305: WELL USUALLY I WOULD SAY YES, HOWEVER DESPITE BEING IN FIRST CLASS, I PERSONALLY HAVE NO CLASS. WHAT I DO HAVE IS A HIGH FIVE WITH YOUR FACE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
(domestic abuse is not condoned in this post)
BESIDES, THERE AREN'T ANY TREES NEARBY AND I DON'T THINK PEOPLE WILL ALLOW ME TO PULL UP NEXT TO AN EXIT WINDOW AS MY POINT OF EVACUATION IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN …
Me: IM PRETTY SURE THAT COULD ALSO GET YOU KICKED OFF THE PLANE. EITHER WAY, $10 SAYS ROBERT'S DEATH STARE WILL STOP YOUR URINE DEAD IN ITS TRACKS.
305: NOT SURE ABOUT THAT ONE. HE HAS A DEATH STARE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS. I AM NOT GAY BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION … BUT I JUST FELL IN LOVE… ALL OVER AGAIN … SO I THINK HE MAY ENJOY MY SLIGHT EXPLOIT AND RECOGNIZE THE MATING DANCE.
Me: MATING DANCE? OR BRO-MANCE?HOLD UP, DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST GO ALL WEST HOLLYWOOD ON THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT?IM NOT MAD AT EITHER … PROPS … SPECIALLY PROP EIGHT … BUT REALLY?
305: LIKE THE OLD PROP 8 DROP…. YES WE PLAN TO ELOPE QUITE SOON.
I HAVE BEEN PLANNING MY PROPOSAL, IN MY HEAD AND IS ACCOMPANIED BY MY FAXED VERSION OF A BREAK UP LETTER TO YOU. AS A SIGN OF DISGUST I AM GOING OLD SCHOOL FAX.
IN YOUR FACE TECHIE QUEEN!!!!!
Me: DID YOU JUST TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO FAX IN OUR BREAK UP LETTER??
::sigh:: I THINK I JUST FELL IN LOVE.
305: OH SWEETIE I THINK I JUST FELL IN LOVE AGAIN. YOU'RE SO SWEET FOR SUPPORTING MY DECISIONS TO GO WITH ROBERT …
::captain interruption - skies are now clear and I am going to allow flight attendants to begin service.::
Me: ROBERT IS BEGINNING YOUR SERVICE ::COUGH COUGH:: I MEAN HIS SERVICING.
305: I CANT WAIT TO BE SERVICED.
STASH FORMALLY KNOWN AS FREDDY MERCURY OUT!!!!!!!
::: Microphone drop ::::
Me: DUDE, QUIT WITH THE QUEEN LOVE, I JUST HAVE TO PEE …
305: PLEASE GO BEFORE I MESS UP MY CHANCES WITH ROBERT BY ACCIDENTALLY PEEING MYSELF.
NOT EVERYONE LIKES A GOLDEN SHOWER ON A FIRST DATE.
Me: WHAT ABOUT GOLDEN BATHS? ARE THOSE A THING?
305: YEAH BUT IT BURNS THE EYES AND LIPS FOR REASONS I HAVE YET TO FIGURE OUT. PLUS WATER TEMPS ARE DIFFICULT TO REGULATE.
::stares blankly as a man in the row in front of us uses the bathroom. shakes head in disgust while mouthing the word "bastard."::
305: IN THE WORDS OF JONNY 5, "YOUR MOTHER WAS A SNOWBLOWER"
::directed at the dude in the potty::
Me: I THINK WE ARE ABOUT TO BE HANDED A WET TOWEL.
:: gets handed wet towel by robert::
DUDE, DOES ANYONE ELSE REMEMBER THE ORIGAMI ENVELOPES FROM 5TH GRADE?? THEY TOTALLY JUST COPIED THAT SHIZNAT!!
305: IT'S A WET NAP, LET'S BE REAL.
Me: AH YES. TIME FOR A WET … NAP ….
305: I REFER TO THOSE WET NAPS AS WET DREAMS AND I HAVE ALREADY "BEAT" YOU TO IT … OR MORE ACCURATELY ROBERT HAS "BEAT" YOU TO IT.
Me: IS THAT WHY HE ASKED IF YOU LIKED THE BOURBON HE RECOMMENDED? HE SPENT AN AWFUL LONG TIME INQUIRING ABOUT THE …. TASTE ….
305: AND IT TASTES FUCKING AAAAAMMMMMAZING. REMINDS ME OF THE LAST TIME I VISITED THE EASTER BUNNY. SHIT GOT WEIRD BUT I A CAME OUT ON TOP IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Me: UM, YOU CAME OUT ON TOP OF A BUNNY? ISN'T THAT AS BAD AS BEING THE TOWN'S TALLEST LITTLE PERSON? REALLY? REALLY?
305: NO IT JUST MEANS I LIKE TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY MYTHICAL HOLIDAY DIRTY OLD MEN DRESSED IN COSTUME. BUT I DONT NEED A DOLL TO SHOW ANYONE WHERE I WAS TOUCHED, AND LET ME TELL YOU IT WAS … "SPECIAL."
Me: DUDE, AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I CAN TOTALLY DRESS UP AS COMMERCIAL HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIONS IF IT'S GOING TO TURN YOU ON. IM TOTES HAPPY TO DRESS UP AS A FAT MAN THAT LOVES TO HAVE LITTLE KIDS BOUNCED ON HIS LAP. FOR YOU DARLING, ANYTHING!!!!
::305 whispers in my ear: Robert is about to come over and address our table. you might want to move your computer.::
Me: REALLY??? REALLY??!?!?!?!
305: RESPECT THE CLASS ACT THAT IS KNOWN AS ROBERT. I MAY LOVE YOU BUT HE IS MY MISTRESS.
::Robert just came over and dressed our trays with napkins as he asked what our preference was for dinner this evening. while present, he asked (referencing 305's alcohol) and shook his finger in a circular, hurricane motion asking how much he "liked it."
shit you not, that was SERIOUSLY wax on wax off-esuqe. … 305-son representing; He is the miyagi of flight attendants … not only is 305 EXTREMELY EXTREMELY calm despite the turbulence, he is falling in love. Madly, madly in love.
20 minutes later, dinner has been served and Robert cleared my plate before 305's.
Suddenly, the tables have been turned and 305 is no longer the object of Robert's affection.
He is instead merely … there.::
305: this is an official Fuck you. with utmost respect. uck-fay ou-yay.
Me: SUCH HOSTILITY!!! ROBERT HAS MIYAGIED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU HASN'T HE?!?!? IS THIS THE ULTIMATE JEDI MIND TRICK?? HOW DO YOU ALSO KNOW THIS IS NOT PART OF HIS PLAN?? MAYBE HE WANTS YOU … TO WANT… HIM …. FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF … WANT?!?!
305: WELL FIRST OF ALL, MIYAGI HAS NOTHING ON THE DEATH STAR BITCHES.
SECOND I AM WELL AWARE OF THE GAME. I AM PLAYING HARD TO GET RIGHT NOW, AND LETS BE HONEST XANAX AND WINE MAKE ME A LITTLE HARDER TO GET IN THE HARD FACTOR … BUT YES, I WILL CASUALLY WADDLE TO THE BATHROOM AS OF SOON, AND ACT AS THOUGH MY ZIPPER IS STUCK AND WHO WILL I ASK FOR HELP? THE ALMIGHTY YOGURT HIMSELF BECAUSE THE SHWARTZ IS STRONG WITH HIM, BUT IF I CANT FIND HIM I WILL SETTLE FOR ROBERT BECAUSE I COULD SEE GETTING MY SWARTZ TANGLED WITH HIS.
Me: DID YOU JUST SPACE BALLS YOUR OWN BALLS? I THINK I MIGHT BE IN LOVE …
305: NO I WAIT FOR PIZZA THE HUT TO GET IN ON THE ACTION.
Me: KINKY ….
305: I KNOW, BRINGS NEW MEANING TO FROM UNDA CHEEZE.
::furrows eyebrows to express disgust::
Me: DUDE, SO GROSS. YOU CANT REFERENCE CHEESE AND A CHICK. NO BUENO.
305: FIRST OFF ALL, WHO SAID A CHICK WAS INVOLVED! AND SECOND ITZ MOTZEREALLA SO POO POO TO YOU. PLUS IT'S SO HARD WHEN YOU GO PLAID. AND AS A SIDE NOTE HOW MANY ASSHOLES DO WE HAVE ON THIS SHIP?!?!?!?!?!
Me: WELL, IT'S A PLANE, SO THERE ARE EXACTLY 12 IN FIRST CLASS … THE TWO OF US INCLUDED … OUTSIDE OF THAT THIS IS A 737? SO APPROXIMATELY 200? FTR, THATS A WHOLE LOT OF ASSHOLERY.
305: AND GUESS WHICH ASSHOLE GOT ME BACK ON A PLANE FOR THE FIRST TIME?? IT WAS RIVER PHOENIX, OBVIOUSLY.
Me: WHY YOU GOTZ TO BRING THE VIPER ROOM INTO THIS CONVERSATION? YOU MAY NOT LIKE LA, BUT I DO!!!
305: GUESS THIS RELATIONSHIP JUST TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE …
Me: LISTEN 305, I RESPECT THE FEAR OF FLYING. IVE SEEN THE MOVIE HIGH ANXIETY, AND CAN SING THE THEME SONG.LIKE ROBERT AND HIS EPIC STACHE, I "GET IT." HAVE I MENTIONED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES THAT I LOVE YOU?
305: TECHNICALLY, YES BECAUSE YOU JUST DID. I GUESS I CAN LET SOME OF THIS SHIT SLIDE FOR NOW. A HIGH FIVE OR A SUPER STOKED FIST PUMP TO THE DOME MIGHT COME LATER BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT IS A ACT OF EXCITEMENT AND IT DEFINITELY HURTS YOU MORE THAN ME. BUT IT IS PURELY OUT OF LOVE AND WHEN I MEAN LOVE, I MEAN THE LOVE I HAVE FOR PITBULL.
Me: THANK YOU 305 …. THANK …. YOU ….
305: YOU'RE WELCOME FELLOW PITBULL LOVER.
ALL JOKES ASIDE YOU ARE EVERYTHING ANYONE COULD WANT. I WAS SO FORTUNATE TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE AND WILL NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOU OR TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.
YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE … BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU ATTEMPTED …. A BREAD PUDDING…….
Me: YES, I BAKED FOR YOU … THAT'S A FIRST, AND WAS WELL DESERVED.
WELL … WELL … DESERVED.
305: TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
THIS IS A RAMBLE OF WEIRD COMMENTARY BASED OUT OF ECCENTRIC INDIVIDUALS ALL OF WHICH REFLECT SOME FORM OF LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. I HOPE TO ALL OF YOU THAT SOME DAY YOU WILL FIND WHAT I HAVE FOUND.
THIS WORLD IS HUGE AND MANY OF US HIDE INSIDE BECAUSE WE ARE SCARED WHAT WE DREAMED OF AS CHILDREN WILL NEVER COME TRUE.
THE TEACHERS WHO TOLD US NO, THE AUNTS AND UNCLES WHO LOOKED DOWN ON US. THE WORLD TELLING US CREATIVITY WAS A PLACE WHERE NOTHING GOOD TO COME OF.
WE ARE A POPULACE THAT DESCENDED FROM THE ECCENTRIC AND THE WORLD WOULD NOT BE WHAT IT IS TODAY WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE JEN AND THE READERS OF THIS SITE.
KEEP BEING WEIRD, MAKE PEOPLE SMILE, AND MOST OF ALL CATCH THEM OFF GUARD.
WE ALL NEED A WAKE UP CALL. EVERY DAY & I HAVE FOUND MINE.
I WISH FOR EVERYONE TO FIND THE SAME.
JEN IS SOMEONE OF INSPIRATION AND I HOPE SHE IS INSPIRATION TO ALL OF YOU TO GO OUT AND EXPLORE THE WORLD FOR WHAT IT HAS TO OFFER.
SOMETIMES THE "REJECTS" FIND THE POETRY IN LIFE WHERE OTHERS SEE SHAME OR DIGUST.
THE BEATNICKS OF THE PAST DIDNT GET "NOTICED" THEY MERELY FOUND "ENLIGHTENMENT" THROUGH DIVERSITY.
WE ALL MUST STAND ALONE IN THE FACT, BUT DONT BE AFRAID TO DO SO. IT IS THE ACT OF SELF AWARENESS AND THE EMPOWERMENT IT BRINGS.
DREAMS ARE ALWAYS ATTAINABLE, AND THE MORE YOU HAVE THE MORE THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR SO FUCK THE WORLD AND THE IDEALS THEY PUSH ON US.
WE NEVER NEEDED THEM TO BEGIN WITH.
THIS LIFE IS OURS FOR THE TAKING AND JEN IS A LIVING EXAMPLE OF THAT.
SO LET HER INSPIRE BUT ALSO USE THAT TO INSPIRE OTHERS BECAUSE LIFE WOULD BE BLAND OTHERWISE.
I LOVE YOU JEN!!!!
Me: DUDE, QUIT PROJECTING YOUR LOVE FOR ROBERT UNTO ME. I KNOW THIS IS JUST A PROFESSION OF YOUR LOVE FOR HIM AND HIS MUSTACHE!??!!?! MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL!!!
::sigh alright alright::
I KID … I KID … AND GUESS WHAT? I LOVE YOU TOO!! =)
305: NO IT WAS REALLY THE STACHE. BUT I KNOW HE WONT HAVE ME SO IF YOU WILL LOOK OVER MY MOMENT OF MISJUDGMENT THEN I WILL ALWAYS BE YOURS. UNLESS OF COURSE HE COMES AROUND AGAIN, OR BETTY WHITE WANTS MY BALLS.
Me: I BOW DOWN TO BETTY WHITE. BOW … DOWN …
::actually bows down while in seat::
305: BOW DOWN FOR SOME WIZARD SLEEVE I SHOULD ASSUME??
Me: I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, AND I DO NOT … DO NOT … DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. PROPS TO MISTER WIZARD CIRCA 1992!!! I LOVE YOU 305!!! YOU'RE MY VERY BEST GOOD FRIEND.
305: AND TO YOU, MY EVENT HORIZON.
::microphone drop::