#RealDeal: Coding your subconscious & learning to close the end tag

Life

Mar 18

I may be on the road to adulthood, but at least while traveling I CAN WEAR MY BEYOND AWESOME UNICORN LEGGINGS!!!Hi friends.

To further continue my "self first" love and mentality, I have decided to move into my own 1 bedroom apartment.

<tangent> As if I needed another stressor. Moving is always such a pain- even if you don't have any furniture. The process is HIGH-LARIOUS for me with a corporate sponsored lifestyle. I'm going to have to explain to whoever my new landlord is that I don't exactly have a "traditional" paycheck, and the fact that oh yeah! I trashed my credit living off the grid for a year. Fortunately, I know I have a lot of friends that own things like apartment buildings, but we shall see. Just going to have to absorb that the journey is the destination once again. </tangent>

The catalyst for the move is actually a sponsorship with a contractual pre-requisite that my current abode doesn't provide, but I feel like this is also a VERY big step in my "self care" role.

I need to grow up. I've been living life by the seat of my corporate sponsored pants for the last 3 years and it's shit or get off the pot time in adding structure and developing an exit strategy. No one prepares you for the moment where you realize you have become everything you wanted to be, but you have to know when to let go so you can creatively grow in other manners.

I freaking LOVE what I get to do everyday, and I live on this .... adrenaline ... of constantly figuring out the most effective way to get shit done. I am someone that has to have 100 things going on at any given moment since it's how I thrive. If you've ever heard me speak IRL, I talk 200 mph because that is literally how fast my brain is moving. I've learned to live with how bad my ADD is and develop certain coping skills, but this shit ain't easy.

Giving myself a solid financial grounding at the end of last year was AH-mazing for my psyche, and even the dating detox at the beginning of this year was BEYOND amazing too.

Dudes, I am straight up IN LOVE with spinning. I go every day now, and I get to challenge myself to push THAT much harder and get THAT much stronger. I used to be a gym rat when I boxed, but unfortunately with all the typing I do every day if I were to sprain a wrist or even hurt a finger in any regard it would KILL my business.

Spinning is now my off button. I am NOT available for about an hour and a half every day now. As someone who typically responds to any email in under 5 minutes or less, this is a HUGE deal to be able to say ... no ... I am unavailable. And it's NON-NEGOTIABLE!!! Even on Saturday, I had a meeting that looked like it was going to run into my spin class, and there was NO doubt I would have called a stop early, but it's literally like saying to me, you can't breathe today. That is HOW important this disconnect has become to my psyche, and I can't stress how much more productive I am after I have that break.

This is something, btw, that plagues all of my entrepreneur friends. We're all self motivators so as long as we are doing something we are passionate about we're good to go, but when your life is on the line wondering if your project will sink or swim - the last thing you are thinking about is your "time off." I've had people tell me for YEARS that I needed to disconnect but I had these blinders on. Everything was, get out of my face, I need to do this. I can't say looking back to be honest, that I'd change a thing, but I can say I am grateful to be in this present moment and at a place where I am now ready to listen.

Much like your laptop, you have to schedule time to shut down so you can fully recharge.

I also totally understand why subs in the s&m community are the way they are. When I spin, I am not the domme, or HBIC. I am at the mercy of the instructor who is KICKING MY ASS (you burn 1000 calories per hour in spin classes). You break when they say you break, you breathe how they tell you to breathe, and you do WHATEVER the fuck they tell you to do.

How is that not like back when I was a domme? My slaves had two rules:

1) You do everything I tell you to do.

2) You end every sentence with Mistress Jennifer.

I've completely channeled all of my dominant energy into business, and am now exploring submissive energy spinning.

I could never wrap my brain around being submissive, and couldn't ever understand how all these SUPER high powered CEOs, and fancy pants dudes would shake and sometimes even cry in my presence. They needed that release, much like now I need. It's extremely zen focusing only on not dying while you are on that bike, and I can only imagine it must be the same for them when I was domming them.

Very rad realization.

I'm also going to re-read the book The Drama of the Gifted Child.

While I didn't necessarily agree with the therapy I've received over the years, I do think that book has a lot to offer and was suggested by a dear friend the other week.

I have to admit though the realization that I might need this book again is slightly devastating.

How am I not through all of this, I was saying to a friend last night over dinner. At what point do you say, you HAVE to move on with something, this has become too much?!?!?!

The second the words escaped my mouth, I thought back to a conversation I had at the bar on Friday night. I was with a buddy of mine and we met this group of rad people that work at a music agency.

We started talking about programming (of course) and it came up that life is like code. You have to close the end tag or everything will loop. This is just like your sub-conscious, she said. If you don't have closure through processing things it's going to reloop. You can't suppress.

I had absolutely NEVER thought about things in that way, so it made me laugh how right she was.

I guess I'm just at a place now though where I'm wondering how MUCH mental masturbation do you have to give something before you can just let it go?!?! I don't understand?!?!!?

So what, my father's family sucked. So what, I was picked on so much it lead to stalking. So what, I've ALWAYS felt like an outcaster. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to do with it?!! I've written about it, talked about it in both a public and private manner. WHAT ELSE?!?!?!

The anger then propelled me to have the realization that this must be the roadblock I am still hitting with intimacy. I've allowed friends to get closer which is great, but dating is TERRIBLY boring to me. Every date is the same as the last and I honestly don't want to date anyone right now. I don't have time, and I don't want to take away my focus with work!!! The only way I could remotely consider it would be if the other person was equally as busy, but who knows. Again, I can't even process it.

I'm just so frustrated, and that honesty is incredibly refreshing. The second you become honest with yourself you can at least move forward instead of staying stagnant.

I'm viewing this book as my next step. I honestly don't know what else I could even try personally. I have the self care, I have AMAZING friends that I have been hanging out with more and genuinely opening up IRL. What else am I supposed to do?

I'm not even looking for an answer at this point, just an understanding of what the question is.