#RealDeal: Relationships are more than just a status or a plus one
I sat up in bed yesterday morning for two hours before my alarm was set to go off. Instead of trying to count sheep, or will myself back into a slumber - I grabbed my headphones and put on my favorite playlist (which is a collection of love songs).
I smiled looking over at my still sleeping boyfriend as Spotify shuffle had selected "our song." (Which is actually too personal to post.) I then closed my eyes still trying to go to sleep.
As the lyrics played I began to cry. Tear after tear, sans the sniffle (thankfully). Not wanting to dismiss it, or intellectualize my emotions in anyway, I just continued to lay there not labeling.
It's so deep, I thought to myself. I felt like my heart actually sank below the bed, below the floor, around the entire world, and back into our same bed but on the other side.
We're lambasted with images and projections of love courtesy of pop culture, and Hallmark - but how could anyone even remotely put this feeling into words? Calling anything else love seems like not only a huge mistake, but a diss against this feeling.
My boyfriend and I hit it off from the moment we met (feeling wise). Not only was it a blind date on my end (he knew what I looked like), but I was the one to call out his name when we met at the elevator on the wrong floor. He was so familiar, and we both realized within our first hug that when we touched there was this sensation that neither of us had felt before. It was like my heart actually sang, no other way to describe it. Of course, our strong feelings scared both of us in the beginning since there is a great difference between love and limerence.
We talked about that the other day actually. We had been traveling for 16 days straight and after being in 3 different time zones, and another country - we were emotionally and physically exhausted. I forget how it came up exactly, but we sat there and looked at each other and my boyfriend said, this isn't limerence. I know that.
I smiled acknowledging that I knew that as well, but it felt SO GOOD to hear him say it.
We've both very calmly said to one another that we only want what's best for each other. If I'm not right for you and for your growth, I need you to let me know, he said one day.
And me too, I said back immediately. I mean it too, I say placing my hand on my heart.
I thought about both of those moments while the song played and also thought about how selfless the whole process is. Even being in a relationship, the single unit has become one in a literal sense, but it's all encompassing. Every thought, every action that I do indirectly affects him because we are a unit.
It's more than just a plus one, it's a three legged race to destination "compromise."
It's easy to sit there and want to put someone in a placeholder because you're at a certain stage in your life and feel it's "the right thing to do" (or, if you want children and don't want to go at it alone). There's obvious societal and peer pressure in everything we do, but relationships aren't about just you.
I read an AMAZING article on this the other day called, "Marriage isn't for you;" by the end of it, I was shouting and cheering on the inside because I TOTALLY agreed with the entire thing. (It talks about selfishness within a relationship and how marriage is about the family. Brilliant, brilliant post.)
I'm only the caretaker for my boyfriend's heart. We chose each other at this point in our lives, and it's our duty to be gentle, but also to allow each other to grow in the process - never smothering, or removing the light.
My boyfriend is very athletic and into just about any sport that involves injury. It's made me absurdly nervous in the past wanting to make sure he was okay, and not putting himself in danger. (I'm like an old Jewish mother. Did you take your meds? Did you wear a helmet?)
Last night, while watching a skateboarding movie, a lot of that changed. I looked at him, as he told me what each trick was and the skill associated with it, and I could see the passion and fire ignite in his eyes. This is something he truly, truly loves and it's not my job to manage his heart, merely care for it. He knows my feelings, and I know in the back of his mind it will be there as he plays whatever sport. I have to just leave it all at that though, and leave my own projections and wanting to control him at the side of the road. If I truly care for him, I will support any of his wishes.
Of course, like in any relationship, it takes time to get to this place. We're still figuring each other out (certainly), but I felt a calmness in the confidence of knowing and trusting that he always does the right thing.
Again, none of this is about you, I thought. Just let him be, and love him along the way.
<tangent> And BTW, this goes both ways. I can just only speak from my side of things, but friends and family have seen a rather dramatic change in me, so there's a lot more to it that I'm sure I haven't even figured out. </tangent>
If I had advice to give to anyone in a relationship, it would be just that. Understand that no matter what you are both executing your idea of a "compromise" and at the end of the day, your only job is to take care of that heart. It's your duty and losing focus of that is a diss to your partner. What would be good about that?