#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You become a fish out of water
Oh man, I am pumped for life right now.
I know this song is epicly over played but I can't stop playing it on my flight (where I am writing this) ...
Hi friends!! I've missed you all so much!!
I feel like such a different person; I barely know where to begin.
Without too much of a backstory (as I tend to ramble) … earlier this year, I went on a dating detox that actually lead me (at first reluctantly) into a pretty specfuckingtacular relationship. He's not only my best friend … he is like a sensei. Outside of my parents who taught me my ABC's and basic morals, I've never learned so much from a single person.
When we first started dating, he came out to LA but we quickly realized as a couple that he needed balance (since he has a house in a less populated area on the opposite side of the country).
I can work from anywhere, I said, so let's just go back and forth!
His island hometown is also not too far from a major city so the compromise didn't seem too bad- if I needed a "fast paced fix" it was just across the bridge.
The first few days down there were quite shocking. The town is very small, everyone knows everyone and can they can "smell" the new people. (And it doesn't have to do with whether or not you forgot to put on deodorant that day.)
Are you new in town? they would ask as I went to the local coffee shop. (Which was neither a Starbucks or Coffee Bean. It's a mom and pop shop.)
Yes, I said. I came here with my boyfriend.
Oh where from?
LA, I quickly replied.
They would then snicker, or look away wondering how long this one is going to last.
Islanders are so used to having people coming in and out of their lives that it's difficult for them to emotionally invest. It's not that they're intentionally being cold, but they are very clannish and unless you're going to be there for good - why bother?
I persevered with kindness, never wanting to acknowledge that I realized their expressions and half breathed comments weren't personal but rather protective.
My boyfriend then introduced me to his friends and fortunately his best friend has a girlfriend (now fiancé) whom I very quickly connected with. She's from the northern part of the east coast and had moved onto the island when she was in grammar school.
It was SUCH an adjustment she said to me at the gym one day. You really have to prove that you're going to be down here for a while if you want to make friends. It can take YEARS for some people.
I was then brought back to the memory of moving to a new town at the beginning of 8th grade. Everyone already knew everyone, but there you were …. this new person … that may or may not end up being accepted.
::pleasebeacceptedpleasebeacceptedpleasebeaccepted:: I would say to myself over and over.
My palms began to sweat remembering the anxiety walking down the halls … wondering who you were going to sit next to at the cafeteria. (Sometimes opting to skip lunch all together and just eat as quickly as possible in the bathroom.)
I survived it then, I thought, I can certainly survive it now.
As time progressed, the faces became friendlier, but my confusion and anxiety of my new surroundings only seemed to increase. Everything seemed to take so much more effort to get something done. You had to drive alllllll the way over to this place to get this one thing, followed by the drive allllllll the way in the opposite direction to get another. There are no malls, no Verizon cell reception, and every action has to be deliberate or your wallet will be affected by the amount of gas you are putting into your vehicle.
I complained to my boyfriend about this one day. You have to go here, there, and everywhere to get a simple task accomplished. You sometimes have to pray for a parking spot instead of being able to valet, and you're most likely going to end up parking on the grass or pea rock anyway.
How do you expect to gain confidence in yourself when you are surrounded by so much convenience? he replied.
But I have all these life experiences, I said back sharply.
Yes, he said. And that's great, but are those experiences helping you down here?
Oh dear god I thought as the word, "nope" came out of my mouth.
Then it's time for a change.
I smiled.
The Cher Horowitz mentality of, "why learn to park where everywhere you go has valet?" began to drain from my body yet the same level of clueless-ness lingered.
Am I really this helpless I wondered? My life felt so irrelevant for the first time.
Had I spent so much time in LA that I was becoming a backdrop myself? The presentation is there, but if you look behind it there are only a few boards holding it up.
It's not real. I haven't been real. Can I even survive in the real world (and not the MTV version)?
In July, the TV show I've been working on sold to a cable network. ::cough cough see previous::
I was pretty pumped (obviously) but also more than ever focused on spreading my wings in this new world.
My biggest complaint about my life previously had been the lack of fulfillment. Now that the show sold, I thought FOR SURE I would feel fulfilled, but to my surprise it didn't come from that sale - instead, it came from these seemingly mundane experiences I now had daily.
From long talks with my new found best friend, to finally learning how to cook (my boyfriend is a chef). I felt this surge of power coming into my body. I was standing with both feet on the ground and paying attention to something other than the shiny things on the screen.
I will spare the "I am woman speech," but it was hands down one of the best moments of my life focusing on the meticulous details of how to chop certain vegetables (and keep my thumbs in tack in the process). The beauty and calmness experienced in the preparation, and the pride knowing that you are sitting down to a meal that you worked hard on was better than any reservation I could ever make.
Convenience certainly allows for more to be brought into your day, but how diluted does the day become?
I'm embracing the off balanced nature of this new adventure (I even questioned how to continue writing or communicate with people in general from LA since I was so fearful of going back to any old ways.) … but that is changing the more that I am coming into my new skin.
::pause::It feels really good.
I have had all of these crazy adventures for the last few years, but the craziest thing has been finding the confidence in the ability to fail by my own hands because then I have truly felt freedom, confidence, and the ability to grow.
Time to jump back into deep waters … lets go swim …