#RealDeal: Yep, I am dating a plant. I'm not kidding. (dating detox day 10)

DatingLife

Jan 23

Posts like the one I wrote on Monday ALWAYSSSS take a lot out of me.(Which artistically is a really beautiful thing since I know it means I am pushing myself.) The human condition tells us that vulnerability is never a good idea, especially when emotionally you are so guarded (like myself). It doesn't excite me to admit that this is where I am in life, but being honest with myself is the first step in making a change.

How are my commitments going so far in this dating detox?

Execution/ Rules:
1) No dating for 30 days. Yep. Good.
2) No swearing. Having difficulty with this one. BUT so far, I've put $50 in my curse jar. (which will be donated to a local charity at the end of the detox.)
3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. This feels GREAT btw!!! There is something awesome about looking "good" by my own personal definition even if I don't see anyone on that given day.
4) Get contacts. Haven't done this yet.
5) Get my car back. No more city bus. Haven't done this yet.
6) No slaves. Haven't seen or talked to my slaves since this began. I've channeled all of the energy I would use in domination though on myself. Super powerful stuff.
7) No drinking. I drank at a networking event last week, but other than that I have to admit it feels GREAT physically not drinking on such a regular basis. I never realized how many extra calories I was consuming and I've acquired a liking to unsweeted ice tea.
8) Healthy eating. I am KILLING this one. I have been eating SO FREAKING HEALTHY!!! Salads, powerbars, I'm also taking a multi-vitamin every day AND paid OUT OF POCKET for a Dr.'s visit. That cost almost $600!!! Was totally worth it though knowing I am clean as a whistle!
9) Visit the gym everyday. Again, KILLING this one too. I've actually been going to the gym since the beginning of the year but it's finally starting to show since I stopped all the junk food.
PS. A super tough looking guy in my spin class today had a tiny seahorse tattooed on his back. Looks like someone lost a bet!!
10) I must keep my room clean. My bedroom is spotless and I get up in the morning and make my bed every day.
Must do 15 girly things ...
a) maintain manicure - DONE!
b) maintain eyebrows
c) bikini wax
d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes- DONE!
e) girly slumber party (scheduled for this Friday)
f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - DONE! (see below)
g) buy a piece of art that inspires me
h) take a pottery class
i) cook dinner for friends (scheduled for this Friday)
j) visit the lacma (scheduled for Saturday. Thanks to Casandra for the heads up on free admission!)
k) host a chick flick marathon (scheduled for Friday)
l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better.
m) take a bubble bath
n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself
o) purchase perfume
p) get a new tattoo - DONE!!!
q) meet someone that inspires me
r) make a new girlfriend

8 things will be done by the end of the week which puts me directly in line for finishing before my self imposed 30 day deadline.

Yesterday was awesome. I not only got the "outfit for the sole purpose of impressing myself" ...

click the screenshot to comment on Facebook

BUT I picked up my boyfriend for the next, however long ...

It came to me in meditation that I needed to grow from love. My shaman would tell me that all the time during our sessions, but I always assumed it would just "happen" from someone else. It didn't click that it had to start with me first.

This plant is also very symbolic. One, because the vase it is in looks like my tattoo of the enso(which I got when I marked the first chapter of this journey) but I love that this next chapter (which this plant and the feather concept represent) is literally growing from it. I had to experience chapter one before I understood the value of chapter two.

ALSO, this is a lucky bamboo plant. It symbolizes good fortune and prosperity, and new business ventures.

Could this BE any more awesome???

So, now, I am going to stare and talk to this loverly plant every day and send loving energy to it. Sure, it sounds kinda loco, but think of the water study Masaru Emoto conducted. He proved that molecular structure can actually change via loving energy. Humans are mostly made up of water so if I can love this plant, I can also learn to love myself which will HOPEFULLY make me less emotionally unavailable.

That is my hypothesis at least. I needed a tangible representation of love.

I figure I have nothing to lose at this point. Clearly everything that I am doing isn't working, so what else do I have to lose in this scenario? Worst case is that I kill the thing and have to start over. We shall see.

It occurred to me the other day that I had a super difficult 2012. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS choose to see the bright side of things, and count my blessings and abundance - but I can't remember a time when so many doors and chapters just SLLAMMMEEEDD shut.

In January I lost my little doggie unexpectedly, then a few days later in a session with the shaman uncovered this massive hole in my soul from all of these residual feelings surrounding shame, followed by a few days later getting an actual hole in my head via getting hit in the head with the brick.(Seeing such an old dude get sentenced to 19 years in jail was a SUPER gnarly life experience.)

Emotionally I dealt with my first love coming back into my life, and then me having to basically say I couldn't do this again and ask him to kindly leave me be.(He only contacted me once after that btw. It was for professional reasons, but I reminded him of the boundary I had set and he honestly hasn't talked to me since. Changing my number I'm sure helped as well, but it felt really good being able to stand my ground.) Then, I fell in love a little bit later and as quickly as it all happened, it disappeared.

I also got slut shamed by a Gawker owned blog, and had it syndicated across countless automotive industry sites. That was my first go-round btw with this sudden rush of press. I stood my ground, and was grateful for the press but talk about a moment where you REALLY have to stand up for yourself.

I reached a career high by getting something to trend on twitter only to realize how hollow success felt to me, and also had my grandmother (who emotionally tormented me as a child) die.

Chapter after chapter ... everything closed.

I was faced with the sudden reality that a lot of things were changing in my life, and I couldn't hold on to them, I had to just go along with everything.

I think this is called "adulthood."

I had lunch with my shaman today (corporate sponsored too! Thanks Kitchen 24!) and updated him on all my progress.

I'm on a dating detox, I admitted.

You mean you're finally doing what I told you to do a year ago? He said cheeky.

I'm very willful and stubborn, I admitted.

It's AMAZING though how much more time I have available for friends and work in general. I've never been so busy and had SO many things click both personally and professionally. I'm super selfish right now and it's working in my favor. I haven't felt this good since I started the site.

I never realized how much dating actually hurt me. Date after date I would always go in SO POSITIVE and one by one I was left disappointed. I've met an enormous amount of amazing people, don't get me wrong, but nothing worked out for one reason or another. The problem was never with them, it was me.

You had to stop seeking and wanting, he said.

I KNOW!! I said super excited. I was looking for someone to fill this void, when I actually had to learn to fill it myself. I need to literally grow from love. (I also told him about my plant.)

I'm not worried about you, he said. You're already doing great, but a guy will only come along when you are ready. He will be this extra bit of dessert in your life. Never the main course.

I started laughing.

You're so right, I said.

This all feels so good, I said quietly. I'm finally taking care of just me and focusing on my strengths. I have moments though where I catch myself wanting to cry or get upset about something. It's all still a work in progress and I have to remember that.

He smiled.

The modern day shaman @realityadjacent on twitterI wanted to tell you how much you've changed my life. I could never be at this place if it weren't for you.

Happy to help, he said nonchalantly.

Consciousness fascinates me. We start off as wee ones, then go through "domestication" courtesy of our parents. That is then perpetuated in our early 20s when we work all of the crappy jobs to make ends meet and justify degrees that our parents paid a lot of money for. Then, at some point, we realize (hopefully) it's all crap. The only thing we ever have to be in life is who we truly are and the only journey worth taking is the one inside of ourselves. It's SO backwards from the way we are taught growing up.

I think of consciousness like an apartment. (Again, I work well with tangibles.) When you start out you're in a studio. Then one day, through self work you realize oh wow! this is actually a 1 bedroom!!!! Then you stay there for a bit and again through more self work and meditation you see another door leading to a 2 bedroom and so on and so on.

We are the only ones in life that will ever define what size apartment we live in.

Trippy stuff, man.

And that's where I am today.

My tattoo is still healing. I HATE this stage since it's so itchy and weird feeling, but like everything else, that too shall pass.

As cheesy as it sounds I'm just SO GRATEFUL for this present moment and all of these incredible opportunities that keep coming my way. Coming from a place of love versus logic is so reverse for me, but for the first time in a very long time, I am happy that I know nothing.