#WTF: About the last 24 hours ... Can I get a rundown? (how I ended up on last night's #SYTYCD episode)

What a series of amazing epiphanies I've had this week. My eyes keep opening and opening and opening ... dudes, I even just changed my cell phone number!! I am CRAZY committed to growing intimate relationships right now. 

Hold on though ... as usual, I'm getting ahead of myself.  

First up, the song that goes with this post ... 

So, last Friday was quite possibly the best day of my life professionally speaking. I hit a goal that I was trying to achieve for the last three years by successfully executing a trending topic on twitter. 

Big. Big. Deal. In the world O'Friel. 

Huge actually. 

After it happened though - I felt very empty. Sure, I got to go to this super fancy pants event after (and even talked to Sharon Lawrence about monetizing my eggs), but it left me feeling horribly hollow. I kept thinking over and over that sure, if I just hit THIS LEVEL of "success" things will feel differently. 

After finally hitting it - I actually felt worse. This dream that I had was a sudden reality and it made me question everything in my life. 

I spent last Sunday at the beach with some friends, and as I stared out at the water I thought about everything that I wanted from my life. 

It's not this, I kept thinking. Yes, I need to write, yes, I love love love this brand and this website - I will ABSOLUTELY see this through ... but that's just what I DO, it's not who I AM. 

Who am I outside of this website? I kept thinking. 

I then admitted my depression on Monday, and when I woke up Tuesday I felt this SUURRRGGEEE of truth and HONESTY at a level I hadn't been at in QUITE some time. 

I'm unhappy, and while there's nothing wrong with it, I can finally DO something about it!!! 

I then addressed my personal bliss and all of the things that made me happy. 

They included volunteering, dancing, running, traveling, and sex. 

Being a woman of actions more than words I immediately (like before the post was even published) emailed this shelter that I volunteer at to get on their schedule, followed by going for a jog that morning, identifying the three destinations I would like to visit next (Alaska, Hawaii, Egypt), and even masturbated when I got home from work. (That btw, felt ah-mazing. Hello body, I've been missing you.) 

BOOM, just like that, I took charge of my own destiny and said being unhappy is no longer an option for me. I spent literally the first 24 years of my life in a depression. I will never, never, NEVER allow myself to go back to that place again!!! 

Then, Wednesday morning while in a meeting I got hit up by a reader of the site asking if I wanted to go to a taping of So You Think You Can Dance! 

First off, that's my favorite show ever ... but secondly, that was ALSO something I addressed in my bliss (after having been a dance from the time I was 2 all the way up until I moved to NY after high school). I never wanted to pursue a career in it professionally, but there is something in my spirit and in my soul that resonates DEEPLY with dance. 

I'll pick you up at 1pm, he said. 

I stared down at my Facebook messenger and almost teared up. This is exactly what I need today, and this guy has ABSOLUTELY no idea. 

1pm came around before I knew it and as I got into his car, I was pretty quiet. 

I wear my emotions all over my face. You can ALWAYS tell what I'm thinking or feeling based on my speech and general expression. I strive to be authentic and to no longer be a people pleaser. Even though this guy doesn't know me that well IRL, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my own personal truth in being something or someone that I am not if I wasn't feeling it. Yes, socially speaking I'm SURE he was expecting a smiling bundle of energy - but I wasn't feeling it. 

We then headed over to the grove grabbing a super yummy lunch (Mario Lopez aka AC Slater was dining a few tables away) and then went over to wait in line for the entrance to the show. 

I really want to thank you for this experience, I said. This is one of my favorite shows and I actually made a declaration earlier this week that I needed to have more dance experiences back in my life. 

You don't need to thank me, he said. Do you have any idea how much you've changed my life? Your advice, and wisdom - you're really good at what you do, and I could never thank you enough. 

I looked down at the ground not wanting to cry. 

Do you have ANY idea how POWERFUL it is to hear someone GENUINELY tell you that you've changed their life?? When you volunteer you see it on their faces, but to hear with such ... FORCE and ... HONESTY.

holy shit, I'm tearing up now even reliving that moment. QUIT IT FRIEL!!! GET THROUGH THE POST FIRST!! 

I'm just doing what I do, I said. I'm just living my passion. 

Yeah, but you're changing lives without even knowing it, he reaffirmed. 

Thank you, I said finally able to look into his eyes. 

<tangent> Antonio always yells at me to look more into his eyes. He has no idea that I look away not because I have anything to hide, but because I'm too overwhelmed with emotion. </tangent> 

I don't know what it all means though. I'm so confused right now and I'm in an EPIC place of uncomfort. I've finally reached a place that I always dreamt of and I'm still not happy. I need to develop more intimate relationships. I want to get married, I want to have kids one day - I can't keep doing what I'm doing and putting so many barriers up between myself and other people. 

You've changed a lot in your writing, he said. You could see it with Antonio especially. The way you write about him has been unlike any other guy you've ever written about. 

I know, I said. Even my own mother and Modern Day Shaman picked up on it as well. There's nothing I can do about him though. He will be who he is, and I have spoken my truth. I wouldn't want to change him - I think he's absolutely the most inspiring man that has ever come into my life and that is just all he will ever be and I need to be thankful for that. 

How often does a muse actually come into your life?!?! Amazing!

 And if any chick breaks his heart I will break her fucking legs. Period end of sentence.

We then had to wait in line for TWO FREAKING HOURS in the 95 plus degree heat (I'm genuinely not kidding when I say there were MULTIPLE times that I thought I was going to pass out) but at 4:30 we were finally let into the show and were given our seats. 

Section B row 2 seat 11 read my ticket. 

We showed the tickets to the page who then pointed us to the seats behind the judges. 

Shut. The. Front. Door. I thought. 

Having seen the show so many times, I KNEEWWW that these were the seats that ended up on camera. 

This is hilarious, I thought. I literally didn't even give a flying fuck if we ended up on camera, here I was just wanting to have this experience and live out more of my passion and BOOM just like that, without even trying, we were picked to sit behind the judges. 800 freaking people!! 

<tangent> It's incredibly, incredibly obvious that they put the more "commercially attractive" people in this row. It's hilarious actually, and something everyone in line was discussing. EVERYONE wanted these seats less for the view and more for the "status" behind it. HA! What a joke!

Oh, and BTW, someone needs to do a web series about people that show hop. The guy in front of us in line was on The Price is Right earlier in the day, and there's this whole cult of really passionate EXTREMELY "out there" people that just do this day to day. I'd LOVE to watch something about that - it's so weird and quirky. I digress ... </tangent>

We then took our seats and a producer came up to us and warned us that we were going to be on camera for most of the show. Please don't look at the monitors, she said. Everyone at home is going to wonder what you're looking at, and you'll look stupid. You don't want to look stupid, she reaffirmed. 

I turned to the girl to my left and said, yeah - I always make fun of people that do that. 

Me too, she said with a smile. 

Hi, I'm Jen, I said introducing myself. 

We then started chatting ... what do you do? I asked

I work in retail, her friend (who I also introduced myself to) then said she worked in post production. 

Very cool! I said. 

What do you do? one of the girls asked. 

I run a website, I said. 

Which one? 

It's called Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover. 

WOW! She piped up with extreme enthusiasm. I've TOTALLY heard all about you!!! 

Thank you for reading, I said. I really appreciate it. 

We then started talking about the show and dancing in general. One of the girls admitted to being a dancer from the time she was little. 

Where did you grow up, I ask? 

Connecticut, she said. 

SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR, I said. 

I'm from CT. 

What town? 

New Britan, she said. 

HA! Born in Bristol, raised in West Hartford. 

She then told me she graduated in 04 and I laughed saying I walked in 02 but finished in 01. We HAVE to have some friends in common. If I had my phone (they take your phones at the door) I'd totally Facebook you. 

After the show, she said with a laugh. 

The show then began, and in this episode the dancer's personal lives were exposed more and before each solo they all had a junket with family and friends. 

S/he's living her/his passion!! Each parent said over and over. 

They've tried so hard for this!! Each parent said over and over. 

They're finally living their dream!! Each parent said over and over. 

I was then reminded of two weeks ago when I was filming a documentary (based on how this website was started) and I heard my own parents speak via a skype interview with the director. 

She's living her passion, said my dad. 

She's tried so hard for this, said my mom. 

She's finally living her dream, they said in unison. 

I started tearing up at the taping. 

I'm doing it, I thought. I'm doing everything I've ever said I wanted to do.

From the time I was a child I KNEEWWW I was going to be an entertainer. I didn't know how, or why, but between dancing, singing, and acting - it was just this part of who I was. People were naturally very drawn to me and I was drawn to the stage.  

Also completely aligned in my bliss though was tech. I was TWO YEARS OLD when I started typing. I had my first little consulting company Computers Anonymous (we were super fancy pants with a binder and everything) BEFORE I WAS 10!!!!!! Just because I didn't know how to connect the dots with my two passions at that early of an age didn't mean the universe wasn't going to connect them for me. 

The dancers then one by one performed and you could FEEL this ... energy ... and BLISS resonate all throughout the theater. 

Just because this is what they do, it doesn't make them who they are, I thought. They NEED to dance for their SOULS but who they are is dictated by the stories their friends and families tell in the junket. 

My friends and family are telling my own story, I thought. THAT is who I am! 

I don't need to stop doing what I'm doing. It's my bliss! It's my PURPOSE to do what I do - but I need to establish boundaries around it, and not only have "offline" time, but experiences that are meant to be shared with a smaller audience. 

I don't have a choice in doing what I do. Now that I have found my bliss if I don't channel this, I'm literally going to go mad. 

The show then ended and I went home and meditated on all of my new found epiphanies. 

I. Need. Intimacy. I thought. 

How do I grow that though? What are the first steps? 

My phone then beeped with a booty call. 

I looked down laughing. Really universe? Really? I say I need sex also in my life and just like that you provide it for me? 

It then hits me how invasive the text was. I had actually just gotten a "group" booty call this past weekend as well.

<tangent> Hilarious story!! I was at Antonio's party and some random guy that I obviously met in the last however long sent out a group text to I'm assuming a bunch of girls asking to kick it. 

I was dicking around with him in responding in the first place - but then at like 4 am while Antonio and I were laying in bed together the fucker actually called me. 

Aw-k-ward. 

I give the guy props though on efficiency, but a big fat fail for not comprehending the execution and how it populates on the iPhone. </tangent>

I don't want these experiences anymore, I said. 

If I want intimacy I have to lay the foundation for it. The phone is an AMAZING communication tool, but only if used wisely. 

I need to change my phone number, I thought. I'm only going to give it out to a handful of people and if someone for whatever reason actually needs to get ahold of me, I'll create a google voice number that I can change as often as I'd like. 

Problem solved, I thought. No more invasive messages from guys I don't want to talk to. 

This morning, the first thing I did was log into my Verizon Wireless account and change my phone number.

BOOM!!

Then, while on my morning jog, I thought about it some more ... and you know what, no more texting as my primary form of communication. I want to actually TALK to people on the phone. I write and sit behind a computer all day talking to people but for me to cultivate true intimacy and develop a stronger bond with certain people I need to actually hear their voice. Even if it's just in the beginning ... whatever it is going to take I am going to commit myself to. I need to break this pattern and break this cycle of longing, I thought. 

So, there ya have it nerderinos!! Not only did I already manifest almost ALL of my bliss items this week, but I've now changed my cell phone number (now choosing to only give it out to a handful of people). Even when I give people the new number I am going to personally text each one (no grouping here). Everyone will know that I want them to have this number because I call them a friend and am looking to cultivate a deeper relationship with them. 

I'VE HAD THAT NUMBER FOR EIGHT YEARS!! THIS IS A BIG BIG BIG DEAL!! 

AWWW peppermint patty - this shit just got FOR REAL!!! 

#kthxbye