#NerdsUnite: On the road to recovery (a lesson on happiness & gratitude)

Aug 28

HOLY SHIT did I just have a hugeeeeee epiphany this weekend without even knowing it.

So, as I wrote in my post yesterday, I'm unhappy.

I'm not quite sure how it happened, or why - but somewhere along the way this year (I'm hoping it's only been since this year) I've stopped being happy.

It's one of those things that sneaks up on you btw without you even realizing it and through validation and lack of acceptance of your truth does it magnify.

I kept thinking over and over that if I just got to that next level professionally I would feel differently. Then, on Friday, I had what should have been one of the greatest nights of my life, but because I had no one to share it with - it hit me like a ton of bricks with how isolated and unhappy I am in my personal life.

I then woke up this morning with this COMPLETE head to toe SUUURRRRGGGGGGEEEEE of holy shit! holy shit! holy shit! I'm DELIRIOUSLY unhappy!!! THIS IS GREAT!!!

I then started jumping around on my bed and even on my run this morning - I just had this feeling of ... HONESTY ... that I haven't had in quite some time.

I then meditated on it a bit and discovered that I had intertwined my gratitude within my happiness. I will be GRATEFUL TIL.THE.DAY.I.DIE. for everyone reading this website, and for allowing me to share my passion with you all every day ... but psychologically speaking I figured if I did talk about it, or complain in any way it would be misinterpreted as a lack of appreciation for this gift that you all gave me.

Gratitude and happiness are two ENTIRELY different things all together!!! Being a word nerd, I then decided to wiki the actual meaning of the words ...

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.
Gratitude, thankfulness, gratefulness, or appreciation is a feeling, from the heart or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

Look at that!! Happiness is a state of well being while gratitude is the thankfulness and appreciation. One comes from the heart, the other is a state of well being psychologically.

I will ALWAYS be grateful for this amazing gift, but my gratitude isn't contingent upon my own personal happiness.

Now that I've addressed what I'm feeling (the first step is always admitting there is a problem), I now have to identify my next doable actions.

My bliss resonates in ...

Volunteering. I love love love volunteering at this soup kitchen in Hollywood called Gett Love, yet I haven't been in MONTHS and I have no idea why. I LOVE sweeping a floor, doing mundane menial tasks, and seeing shiny happy faces knowing that today I actually made a difference in someone's life. Next doable action: contact the organizer and get on the schedule for this week.

Running. I need to make sure I run at least 5 times a week. Starting every morning off with 1.5 mile jog preps me for my day and keeps me more on my toes. I need to make sure I keep making this a priority. Next doable action: Went for a jog this morning!
Traveling. I need to figure out a way to work in my budget traveling at least once a month. I love love love getting out and exploring, yet I always make it dependent upon a sponsor - I need to change that. Next doable action: Identify the places I want to go.
Dancing. I've been dancing since I was two, yet I never dance anymore!! In my early 20s I used to go clubbing all the time so no matter what I would always end up on the dance floor ... now though, as I'm older and have literally NO interest in clubbing - I have lost my outlet of dance. That's NOT OKAY!!! Next doable action: Last weekend I met a new friend (who is a total roll dog, btw) and she is a professional dancer. I just texted her and asked for an adventure this weekend. She said she was game!!!
Sex. I haven't had sex in over a month, nor have I even been masturbating!! I don't know what happened to me that I literally just shut off everything for myself sexually. Exploring my body is SUPER important - I just also have to be cautious and monitor the casual nature of intercourse to make sure it's not creating a superficial connection. Next doable action: uh, me?

My journey in the last almost three years has taught me that everything in life is reflective. From the people that you are coming in contact with (even casually) to the friends you keep and the people you are dating - it's ALL rooted in you and what YOU are sending out to the universe.

How can I expect to ever be in a healthy relationship or even have an intimate relationships with friends until I am resonating on that level myself???!?!!?!?!

Things are never, ever, just handed to you in life. You, first, have to show up to your own life and declare what you want followed by the next doable actions it takes to facilitate said desire.

My core issues right now resonate in intimacy. I can't be intimate though with anyone else until I'm first intimate with myself. How could I have EVER been intimate with myself until I was resonating on more of a truthful manner?

Again, I genuinely do believe upon reflection that it came from this appeasement I was sending to you all to not be misinterpreted as a lack of gratitude ... but now I'm saying FUCK THAT SHIT!! Hells to the eff yeah I'm grateful, but I'm not happy right now ... and that's NOT okay.

How can I be a good friend, lover, or sister unless I am honest with myself first and aware of what I am sending out to the universe (again everything is reflective). Life has to has to has to have a balance. In my case, I'm NEVER going to be truly happy professionally until I learn to balance things more with my personal life. I had theoretically what should have been the GREEEEAATTTEEEESSSTTTT night of my life and instead it was all ... nada. Literally I had one of the emptiest weekends I have had in a while. (It was peppered in with some very awesome moments and conversations, but mostly it was SOOOOO no bueno.)

I COULDN'T EVEN PLAY STREET FIGHTER!!!

I'm also SUPER excited with the timing on all of this because I'm taking this big leadership workshop next week. It's kind of like a secret society that you can only get into this place through knowing someone - but basically it takes "successful people" (in whatever the that means as again success is terribly personal) and pushes them to the next level. Literally it's a 5 day course and they warn you that there are loads of tissues for everyone.

I've obvi hit a lot of blocks in the last few months, but now it's time to breakthrough!!!! I've ALREADY become more truthful with myself, so a breakthrough is ABSSOLLUUTTEELLLLYYY going to be inevitable.

Dude, even on my orientation call with the peeps I was explaining to the guy that I had trouble with intimacy and he laughed saying, sweetie, you're going to make so many new friends here. We're all like you!!

Ah-maze-ing and AGAIN with the reflectiveness of life!!!! Because I am so willing to just LEAP to this next step all of these other things just keep showing up!!!

Onward and upward, nerderinos. God this honesty could not FEEL more amazing!!

Lessons learned:

1) Gratitude and happiness are two different things.

2) Happiness isn't contingent upon people or circumstances - only your own emotional state.