#WTF: About the last 48 hours ... Can I get a rundown? (trending on twitter, @sharonlawrence, Antonio)

Woah. Pardon me for a moment - I just got back from a super super super intense session with the Modern Day Shaman @realityadjacent. Brain is all over the place, and I'm going to be writing from an extremely honest place. 

Even more honest than usual. 

Truth: I'm very frustrated with my life. 

There, I said it. Now let me explain why ... 

So, I recently started working out of the incubator/ co-work space @iola and everythings been SO FREAKING GREAT here. I love love love the energy of the workspace, the people here are rad, I'm challenged intellectually and I'm able to juggle 75 things at once since there is SO much opportunity here. 

On Friday, io hosted a #Tech4Obama event hosted by Hill Harper and Sharon Lawrence. I lead the team in both a physical sense (connecting the dots to make sure that bottom line shit got done) and in a technical sense implementing all of the social media components and then during the actual event monitoring the online reputation management in addition to engaging with the audience. 

It was great!! The event went off super smoothly and to my UNBELIEVABLE delight we even got the hashtag to trend in Los Angeles.  

Getting something to trend on twitter has been a personal life goal of mine since I started on the micro-blogging site in 2009. There is no "set" way to do it, since there is no algorithm ... rather (at least this used to be the case forgive me if things have changed) there are people that actually monitor the trends and manually push it out. Twitter strives to stay on the pulse and just because a lot of people are using a specific hashtag doesn't mean it's actually going to trend. You have to not only engineer it as much as you can from a social perspective but there is a level of just keeping your fingers crossed and pray that it gets pushed through. 

Of course, you can buy a promoted trending tweet but when I last glanced at the rate card in 2011, the cost for a 24 hour promo ran over 100-120K and due to the demand there were rumors of it doubling. Twitter being such a popular site getting something to trend will get an ENORMOUS amount of eye balls and it is an ENORMOUS feat if you are able to accomplish it organically. 

I literally teared up when I saw that I was able to do it. No joke. I was in the back of io in the little booths and my eyes actually watered because it was such a personal and proud thing to lead a team and to have such success with everything. 

The event organizers and everyone at io were obviously INSANELY thrilled with everything (even announcing it on the speaker) ... dudes we had 1.28 million impressions in just a few hours!! 

... and because of the hard work I was then invited to Hill Harper's home for the VIP after party getting to kick it with everyone. 

I then got to mix and mingle with everyone even having a wonderful, wonderful conversation with Sharon Lawrence. 

I'm a really big fan, I said as I approached asking for a picture ... 

She is SO much more beautiful in person, btw!!

We then started talking about social media and what I did for the event. I briefly told her my background and my story and she turned with one look said - have you monetized your eggs yet? 

I started laughing as I almost choked on my wine. I took a step back, lowered my head, and said wow, I cannot believe Sharon Lawrence just asked me that. 

Your genes are going to be worth a lot, she said. Your kids are going to be little geniuses!! 

We chatted for about a half hour but then the event was winding down and Hill gave us a mini-tour and we were then all sent on our way. 

As I walked back down to the bus stop I sat and pondered how I wanted to celebrate. 

STREET FIGHTER, I thought!! I wanna play arcade Street Fighter!! 

I then went over to the Surly Goat in WeHo (the door guy loves that I literally just go in to play Street Fighter) and unfortunately because the game was out of order - I left a few moments later heading back home. 

This is the greatest night of my life, I thought. I achieved a goal I've been going after for 3 years. 

The more that I thought about everything though the more that I realized the weight of that statement. 

This. Is. The. Greatest. Night. Of. My. Life. 

There was no one to share it with, and frankly, the majority of people I talked to had literally no idea what I was even talking about. 

I then walked home alone and questioned my life. 

What am I doing this all for? Who am I doing all of this for? 

Writing, producing, and managing the brand makes me UNBELIEVABLY satisfied on a professional level, but it pains me greatly personally. I don't cultivate friendships, I date like mad and meet up with readers of the site but after all of this time I STILL don't have a lot of close friends and I am STILL no closer to a relationship of meaning. I want friends (and true friends, not just people who want things from me), and I WANT an intimate relationship. 

I want to get married in the next 5 years. I want to have kids. 

Advisors tell me over and over not to do it and to stay single for as long as I can ... but this is maddening. I don't like being angsty nor do I find it any more inspiring than being happy. You are only ever as good as the people you have around to share things with you. The proudest moment of my life from both a personal and professional level was right there ... and all it wanted to do was make me cry. 

I was grateful for being honest with myself that I was unhappy but I was unsure with what to do about it. 

I'm not ever going to stop what I do. This brand will one day have a series of lifecasters and I will be just a very small part of something bigger - but I'm ready for more. I'm CRAAAVVVINNNNNNGGGGG it. 

I then fell asleep and on Saturday (after a day of rocking out to Just Dance) I headed over to a party at Antonio's house. 

I got to talking to his friends, (all of whom are INSANELY smart) and his best friend actually analyized me for the Briggs Meyer test. 

Oh, you're a classic ENJT. 

What's that I asked? 

He then took out his iPhone and started reading ... 

The Executive

As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people.

ENTJs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a corporate nature. ENTJs are usually successful in the business world, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural corporate leaders.

There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. ENTJs, like many types, have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Unlike other types, ENTJs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as the ENTJ. The ENTJ needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, the ENTJ will be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. This may be a real problem for the ENTJ, who may be deprived of important information and collaboration from others. In their personal world, it can make some ENTJs overbearing as spouses or parents.

The ENTJ has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for them as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement, which the ENTJ would do well to avoid.

ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. The ENTJ who has not developed their Intuition will make decisions too hastily, without understanding all of the issues and possible solutions. On the other hand, an ENTJ who has not developed their Thinking side will have difficulty applying logic to their insights, and will often make poor decisions. In that case, they may have brilliant ideas and insight into situations, but they may have little skill at determining how to act upon their understanding, or their actions may be inconsistent. An ENTJ who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.

Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the ENTJ, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.

ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren't too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ.

ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run. They're likely to place much emphasis on their children being well-educated and structured, to desire a congenial and devoted relationship with their spouse. At home, the ENTJ needs to be in charge as much as he or she does in their career. The ENTJ is likely best paired with someone who has a strong self-image, who is also a Thinking type. Because the ENTJ is primarily focused on their careers, some ENTJs have a problem with being constantly absent from home, physically or mentally.

The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don't forget to remain balanced in their lives. They are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.

The assessment COMPLETELY freaked me out - it's 100% me. ESPECIALLY with the quick at making a decision and being an efficiency freak. 

I then got to talking to some people, and ... I don't know. Everything felt very "scene." I utterly utterly utterly adored talking to Antonio's friends who are hands down some of the most interesting people I have ever met - but again, everything felt very "empty." 

Antonio had asked me prior not to be overly touchy as there were females there that were interested in him and he didn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt. 

Totally get it ... but the entire experience gave me an interesting observation. 

The men loved me. Within the first 30 seconds I literally had 5 people offer me a drink (I accepted one from Antonio though) - but the women weren't sure what to do with me. 

As I was helping some people down from the roof deck, one of the women snapped back at me and said, um, there are railings we are fine. 

Wow, I thought. Alrite. 

It was this unspoken pissing contest and I'm not sure how I was ever even entered into it. Antonio literally could not have paid less attention to me, and I was by no means flirting with even a SINGLE guy ... the entire situation confused me. 

Normally too, I would have ZERO problem snapping right back with a comeback or some sort of witty remark - but I had no idea who these people were to Antonio. Sure, I had been introduced to his best friends, but some of the peripheral people I didn't know and out of respect to him I wasn't going to say anything. 

Yet another hollow experience, I thought. 

I'm obviously elated ANY TIME I get to spend with Antonio - but it just wasn't my scene. My favorite part of the entire evening was when I got to chat with one of his best friends in from NY. He was so smart, and so witty - I could see why he and Antonio were such good friends. 

All the rest of it though, the glowsticks, the caddy remarks, I was over it. Everything felt so "Hollywood."

I don't need Antonio to prove my value to these people. I speak my truth and I own my value. 

Whether or not the women chose to see that is absolutely out of my control. 

Having been picked on for the majority of my life it is something I'm normally used to dealing with, but again, out of respect I didn't want to warrant it with a response - I simply just had to swallow the pill. 

Something that is EXTREMELY difficult to do for someone with no filter. 

A big group of us then all went to the beach the next day, and as everyone was playing in the water - I just zenned out. 

What am I doing with my life, I thought? 

I'm finally at this place where I legitimately do feel extremely successful - yet I'm still not as happy as I'd like to be. 

There are still so many pieces missing to my life and I am so unsure of what to do next. 

I then realized how cyclical this all is. 

I am at the exact same spot I was 3 years ago when I launched this site.

I am in a new "life cycle," I thought. I'm ready to move onto doing other things, I'm ready to take another step, I'm ready to lead an even more authentic life. 

Again, professionally speaking I could not BEEEE happier (and more scared) doing what I do. That part of my life has a big fat check next to it. Personally, however, I'm empty. I don't have anyone to share things with.

This morning I took all of those thoughts into my session with the Shaman and almost immediately I started sobbing in his office. 

I briefly went over the story of Antonio and within seconds of opening my mouth, he stops me. 

Your voice is so different right now. We've been working together for almost a year (and talked at GREAT lengths all about relationships), yet I've never heard that tone in your voice before. 

You really care for this guy. 

Yes, I said as I continued to sob. It scares me though because I wonder if there is a part of me that only wants to connect with him because he can't connect back. 

He stopped me again. That depends on your definition of connection then does it not? 

You're right, I thought. 

I then explained to him that the only way I can see staying sane is to stay very Zen with the situation as a whole. 

He's a very complex person, I said. I can't push, I can only speak my truth keeping my side of the street clean. I am TREMENDOUSLY enjoying my time spent with him, and on a very matter of fact level I can feel him literally opening my heart up. I didn't even know I could connect intimately like this with another person and while I don't believe in soul mates I do believe that knowing you can experience something like this once means it can happen again. 

Whether I spend more time with Antonio or not - it can't matter. 

I need to experience only the present moment, while articulating my truth and not have it be contingent upon any expectations. 

We then went into our session (he does about a half hour of reiki as I drift off into a meditative transe) and afterwards I asked him about my energy. 

Do I feel any different to you? 

What do you mean? he asked. 

I feel so different now. (I haven't seen the Shaman since before I started dating Antonio.) 

I can tell you that you are much more level and open, but your solar plexes and your stomach - it's longing. 

I know, I said still holding back tears. I'm much more emotional now than I ever have been. I'm starting to feel alive again - I'm just so scared at the same time. Before, I had a goal with an idea for this website. What do I do with my personal life? How are there achievable goals in something so seemingly intangible? 

He then smiled as he gave me a big hug saying, you'll get through this. 

ANNNNDDDD there you have it. I'm not happy with my personal life right now and I'm not sure what to do about it. I love love love spending time with Antonio but he can't be my only intimate relationship - it's not his responsibility, it's mine. 

Damn you self work. This shit doesn't get any easier. 

#thatisall