#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick (how to get over a 10 year relationship)

Aug 23

It is my goal for 2012 to take a lot of my weird and wonky experiences as a lifecaster and help nerdy peeps out by providing a frank (not shirley) and honest answer to some weird and potentially random questions you may have about life.

Here is an email I got the other day ...

First off, look at that sentence ... "I lost everything that I knew, and the one person I would give up everything for."

To be in a healthy relationship (whatever that really means) you have to be independent before you can become interdependent. Do you know who you are? Have you ever journeyed into yourself? Do you even know what you'd theoretically be giving up? Have you ever tried seeking it in the first place?

I empathize with you greatly as I know the feeling of a broken heart is absolutely incapacitating - however, you've gotta pick yourself up and understand SO THROUGH AND THROUGH that time heals all wounds.

Relationships should consistently be a win/win for both parties. You don't need to give things up to be with a person, nor are you any less of a person without them being in your life. A partner should make you a better "you" but "you" shouldn't cease to exist without them present.

Now is the time in your life where you get to be FABULOUSLY selfish. What do YOU want to do? Who are YOU at your core now that you are free of this person??

The people we meet on our journey of life and love are representative of self. It is life's reflectiveness that attracted us to this person in the first place; have you looked at your partner and addressed his pros and cons? What did you like about him? What didn't you like about him? Don't project anything either ... no one will see this ... write it down in a private journal (keeping it TOTALLY to yourself) ... be really really honest with what you liked and disliked about this person.

Then from there, appreciate them being in your life. What did YOU learn from this relationship? How did YOU become a better person, or did you?

Also through Facebook snooping you, I see that you still have it listed that you are "in a relationship." If this ended in May how honest are you being with yourself and the dynamic as a whole?

It's really really really hard emotionally getting to that place and understanding that things are "done" - but you haaavvvvveeeeeee to physically separate yourself in both a literal and digital sense.

It doesn't mean you loved this person any more or less, it means that you are taking a stand for your sense of self and you are ready to move on. Even if you need to lie to yourself about it in the beginning you need to fake it until you make it.

I've noticed that when I've broken things off with a guy I've been sad immediately when it happened, but then after I get this resurgence of independence followed by a few months later a repeat of the sadness.

It's not at ALL easy, but this is life and this is your duty of existence.

Bottom line:

Step 1) Write out the pros and cons of the relationship. What did you like about your ex? What didn't you like?

Step 2) What did you learn from this relationship? How have you become a better person?

Step 3) What have you ALWAYS wanted to do? Address one item from your bucket list. Anytime I'm super stressed or anytime I'm upset about something - I will just go out and have a crazy adventure. It will remind you what it feels like to be alive and remind you that you can live beyond your time spent with this person.

Step 4) Shout. Shout. Let it all out. When I get upset about a relationship I allow myself to really really really get upset. Cry, scream, kick things, beat shit up (pillows, not people) ... you. have. to. let. it. all. out. Depression isn't actually rooted in sadness - it's rooted in repressed anger. You're going to get PISSED at this loss ... so fucking EXPRESS IT!!!! Just. Let. It. All. Out.

Step 5) Love yourself. Be really gentle on yourself for the next few months to a year. Beating yourself up over a relationship that has ended is never productive. You need to instead be grateful for the experience and be tremendously loving to yourself in the process.

You never ever know where the journey after a broken heart can lead you. Heck, look at this entire website!! You're all reading this because I had a broken heart and SOOO much energy needing to go somewhere.

Everything in life happens for a reason, and people come and people go for a greater purpose. Enjoy the journey dear friend but remember to just ...