#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: A guy you're dating shows up at your door uninvited

Wow. Wow. Wow. Yesterday I had a first, and I genuinely only decided to write about this because he unfollowed me on twitter so I know he won't see this.

HOLY SHIT I can't believe I had a dude show up at my door without confirmed plans - now I hope peeps get why I'm EXTREMELY careful and prudent when it comes to letting dudes take me home and see where I live ... THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN!!

Alrite, alrite, before my muffin gets too miffed lemme break it all down for you ... 

So, like I said, a week and some change ago I was watching my FAAVOORRIITEE show on National Geographic and totally asked out the dude on the show on twitter. He was imprisoned in Pakistan and I totally heart people with insane life stories so I thought we could relate and thought we could jive in some capacity.

First date was awesome sauce. He's a really big dude, and definitely someone you don't want to fuck with which as a chick who seeks that masculine protection it was a big bonus. He then tells me about past people he has dated which ranged from the chick that EVERY.SINGLE.DUDE. in my high school jerked off to, to the TV talk show chick that I grew up watching, and adoring.

My bet was on the talk show chickadee being pretty awesome since all I know about the uber hotties is that after spending the last 6 years going to the Playboy Mansion on a regular basis, the more commercially hot the chick the more bat shit crazy she be.

I can't imagine what it's like to be an international sex symbol and rely strictly on external validation for everything. Dudes Pam Anderson is the exception because homegirl was the SHIT! (See video below)

That woman was so freaking smart, and such a brand .... this other chick was the late 90's early 2000's version of Pam, but didn't have the staying power because she's either not as business savvy, or just genuinely wasn't interested. She's still around, of course, and most recently got a lot of press for her latest flick - but either way, the only thing I kept thinking in my head was that like energy attracted. Could this guy be crazy too? Besides the obvious reasons, why would he date this chick and why would he even bring it up on a date?

FTR, I only mention on this site (and not on dates) that I dated and am still casual friends with Viper from Full House. Myspace stalker @JenFriel <------ right here!!

He then said how much he disliked the pinup and how much he adored the talk show host.

::whew:: I thought. Alrite, alrite, this I can handle.

So, we then leave the bar and he takes me on the back of his bike on a tour through Hollywood. (He doesn't drink, has never been in an accident, AND I had a helmet - so I felt pretty safe. Well, 5% safe 95% insane).

Great first date. No kiss at the end of the night, which I was fine with. Everything was kosher - he kept me intrigued enough to definitely want a second date while still remaining a bit mysterious.

On Monday, I get a text asking for a second date. (First date was on a Friday, then Saturday he had text me to see the Avengers but I already had plans .... so this was now attempt number two for the second date.)

Dinner? He texts Monday afternoon.

Sure! I say getting right back to him since he caught me in-between posts/ meetings.

We then have dinner Monday night, and he was GREAT! I had such a blast riding around with him - and he even helped me achieve clarity on a lot of levels as I am RIDICULOUSLY scared of motorcycles (even though I grew up on a moped).

He then drops me off at my casa, again no kiss.

Whatever, I thought. I could tell this guy was SUPPPEERRR into me, like crazy crazy crazy into me. He said multiple times during the date, "you never know, this could have been a special or big moment ... this could have been blah blah blah .... or the people I just introduced you to wanted to know if you were my gf."

Dude, it's a second date. Like 6th or 7th date I MIGGHHTT start to want to talk about that shit, but let time pass ... MORE THAN TWO FREAKING DATES!!!!

I'm not a fan of when guys crowd me too much. I LOATHE talking to people on the phone and I LOATHE too much communication. Let me text you. Period end of sentence. If I'm into you, I'm going to text you!! I'm GOING to want to see you. If you keep texting me you're just freaking me the fuck out and I'm going to run. Just be you, be awesome, and be CONFIDENT in yourself that you KNOW I'm going to text you because how could I not ... you're THAT awesome.

This guy was not that .... at all ....

So Wednesday afternoon I went to see my Shaman @realityadjacent and then had that whole blah with Romeo - I was in a gnarly headspace and when I get like that I immediately shut down. I turn off my phone, I turn on netflix in my room and I just retreat like a turtle. I'm not a "let's talk about your feelings" kinda person - I get very quiet and will normally either have an extremely cathartic writing session, or I just fall asleep.

Around 6:45 yesterday I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was fall asleep. I then turned on Netflix as my head hit the pillow and slowly drifted away into Kell on Earth.

About 15 minutes into the first episode I hear a motorcycle.

Now, my neighbor has a motorcycle so I didn't really think about it ... but something in my GUT told me to turn on my phone -  I can't describe it.

I then turn on my iPhone and seconds later see this message ...

I then RUNNNNNN out of bed and into my roommate's room (her room has a tree in front of it and is also facing the front of the house so I could see out to the street).

It's barely visible, but I can definitely see the muffler on his bike.

OMG OMG OMG, I think - he's HERE!!

I then vaguely remember having plans with him. He mentioned he was in this tournament that he thought i'd enjoy. I told him in passing, great! I'll see if I can come by - similar to sure, let's kick it sometime next week. No defined plans, no definied ANYTHING!! annnnndddd he didn't even text me before NOTHING!! He literally just showed up at my door a half hour early for something he clearly thought was a date.

HOLY SHIT, I thought, THIS IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT!!

I then freak genuinely not knowing what to do. Do I go downstairs? No!! I don't want to see this guy right now. Boundaries motherfucker - have some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

I then call my neighbor @acoolong who lives a stones throw away from my place and ask for her wisdom.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I say freaking out but staying calm enough to know that 1) that my doors are locked and I am safe and 2) that he's genuinely a good guy, just a little socially awkward.

Text him back, she said. Say you are some place far and weren't sure that you guys even had plans.

Good idea, I say back as I hang up promising to call her back once the problem was taken care of.

Here is my response back ...

He's not getting it, I think.

OMG OMG OMG how is he STILL not getting it, I think my hands now visibly shaking.

Where else was this going to go, I thought?

Just please please please leave. This is 100% a deal breaker and something I've genuinely never had a guy do before to me ... ever ... let alone only after TWO DATES WITHIN A WEEK!!!

He then proceeds to sit on his bike outside my house for the next 15 minutes. He genuinely might have been killing time since he thought at this point I wasn't home ... but I was BUGGIN!!! BUGGIN BUGGIN BUGGIN!!

Just freaking LEAVE I thought! I don't have a SINGLE thing against this dude, I thought he was actually pretty rad to kick it with - painfully insecure - but rad none the less, with very very very interesting life stories.

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE I began chanting in my head willing him to leave my front step.

I then hear the roar of his motorcycle as I get on the phone again with Amanda.

He's leaving, I said. He waited 15 freaking minutes!! He might have been killing time since he thought I was in the valley, but that's weird, right?

Yes, it's weird. Just lock your door she said and don't go outside for a few hours.

Not a problem, I said. My night was devoted to Netflix anyway.

So ... that happened. I fell asleep pretty early and then got up this morning at the butt crack of dawn to work.

At 1:27 I then get this text ...

Because I am on a skype meeting I don't answer, and 20 minutes later I get this ...

You can read people, I thought, but can you read yourself?? I said JACK.SHIT. to this dude. I only didn't get back to him because I was on a call, but around the time of the second text I was just PISSEEEEEDDDD.

STAGE. FIVE. CLINGER.

Coming to someone's house like that is insane enough. Note to nerds: Do not ever ever ever go to someone's place unless you have 100% confirmed plans. If this dude had even said, hey, on Monday I know we talked about this, but are you still game to go? It would have been NIGHT AND DAY an entirely different story. He SHOWS UP AT MY PLACE with unconfirmed plans. That is just every level of a deal breaker.

No. Freaking. Bueno.

THEN, as I am on a client call I get interrupted with the text notification as he sends THIS ...

I then laugh as I say to the client that I have had the weirdest afternoon ever.

They laugh saying, you would.

For the record, this guy DIDN"T do anything wrong from a verbal perspective. He didn't say anything wrong, I had an awesome awesome two dates - but him showing up at my place A HALF HOUR EARLY with unconfirmed plans was too much for me.

Way too much.

THIS GUY AND I DIDN"T EVEN KISS!! Let alone have sex ... let alone .. ANYTHING .. and he was THIS big of a clinger. wow. wow. wow.

Excuse me, but now I have to suffocate myself with my pillow.

I. Hate. Dating.

#kthxbye