#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (How Soon Is Now?)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's ItsMeJoolie
This past week marked a major milestone in my life. One year ago I became single. It's been one hell of a year: a year filled with relearning what normal feels like and having a lot of fun figuring it all out!
A big part of the healing process is putting yourself back out there. There are two meanings to that.
The first one is dating. That was scary as hell for me, all documented on this site. I had no idea how to go on a first date or how to end things when I just wasn't feeling it.
Then came the 2nd part of putting one's self out there. The idea of actually committing to another person. A year of being single and this is still the most horrifying thought to me. I can't even fathom being someone's girlfriend right now. Yes, of course, there are many aspects of being in a relationship that are nice and that I miss; consistent sex is probably at the top of that list followed by snuggling, someone to go see movies with, someone who prevents me from being the 3rd or 5th wheel, etc. But missing aspects of being in a relationship is certainly no reason to be in a relationship.
All of this got me thinking. How soon after a getting out of a long term relationship should you get into another relationship?
I have two close friends that got out of very long term relationships a few months after I did and they are both already in new ones. At first, that made me think something was wrong with me, but now I'm so grateful to still be single. I met a guy in November that I fell pretty hard for and while I didn't expect anything serious to come of it, it really made me take a step back and think about if I am ready for commitment in my life.
After I guess I discussed this person waaay too much with my therapist, he looked at me back in early January and said, "Julie, you need to be single for at least 6 more months". That was the harshest thing he has ever said to me. It made me freak because while I didn't want to jump into anything at the time, I'm also not the kind of person that runs away from love. I promptly got off of OKCupid, I figured I had enough going on in my romantic life.
Now, as I covered in my last post, that dude solved that problem for me because he ended things with me. In the long run, I think it's okay that it went down like that because I knew from week 2 that while I was crazy about him, he was very wrong for me. However, that rejection did leave me with a broken heart, which has left me even more scared than I already was at giving my heart over to someone else.
I worry about my trust issues. I think I need to be alone for a bit longer because I'm not sure if I will be able to trust anyone. More than that, I am not sure that I can handle more hurt in my life at this point. I just want to be happy and if being alone ultimately means that I can avoid hurt for some time, sign me up!
I'm most hesitant to get into a relationship because I have a very hard time keeping my own life going. I easily start spending all of my free time with my significant other. After all of the hard work I've done in the past year, I don't want to jeopardize my current life and friends for a guy.
Also, I'm boy crazy. When I was in my 7+ year relationship, I was so, so loyal. I never cheated, there were no close calls where I almost cheated and had to remove myself from a situation, I didn't even have flirtatious relationships with male friends or co-workers. I had on freakin' blinders. I never even looked or even considered other guys. Now, I look at all of them and on my ballsier nights, I look right at them and make eye contact. There are so many hot dudes out there. Now I understand why people are so hesitant to give up single life. Swoon!
I digress! The question is, how long does one wait to get into another relationship. I think most people would say that it's different for everyone, which is a pretty vague answer. I think one really has to ask themselves a series of questions:
Are you okay being single?
Can you hang out by yourself and not freak out? Self soothe?
Are you really into this person or do you just not want to be alone?
Are you comfortable with who you are?
Are you looking for someone to complete you?
A lot of people tell me that when I meet "the right person" I will just know it and everything else will fall into place. I like the idea of that but I think I need to make sure I'm the best version of me first and then find someone to complement her.
#nerdsunite
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