#TrueStory: Yesterday = top 5 for the worst day of my life

I know people say 27/28 is your "return to Saturn" and a lot of changes go on - but holy fuck this has been a gnarly year for me on a personal level. These MASSIVE life chapters keep closing, and this was a very very very big one. 

I can't artistically write the story yet (still too emotional) but I can tell you all about my day yesterday and what it is like to grieve across the country for a really shitty person you were biologically related to on the day of their funeral. 

Maestro. 

So, obvi, my grandmother died. The bitch and I didn't get along ... at all. I have literally spent thousands of dollars in therapy over the years dealing with the emotional baggage this loverly human being bestowed upon me at birth. I'll write out more of our story again later, but either way, my family didn't think it would be a good idea for me to attend the funeral. My dad's siblings aren't exactly fond of me, and now that I am older and actually use the mouth I have been given - it was written all over the wall that none of this was going to end well. 

I want to focus on my future, I said to my father on the phone when I found out the date for the funeral. 

I need to see someone this weekend, I continued. I haven't seen him in a bit now and if I don't make it a priority I'm afraid he will lose interest. 

He is my priority, I said to my father. 

Good choice, daughter, he said back. 

I then talked to this person on Wednesday night choosing not to tell him about my family issues. I understand that in almost all instances you need to be honest wtih someone about what is going on, but having barely processed it myself I just wasn't ready. Plus, again, it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to ever be emotionally vulnerable in front of someone. EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY difficult. 

I need to see you this weekend, I said to him. I don't care if I have to travel - can we please make it happen? 

Let's put a pin in it, he said. I have some things to do, but we should be able to work something out. 

I smiled hanging up the phone. 

Focus on the future, not the past, I thought. 

Saturday morning came around, and at 7 I shot out of bed like a bullet. 

I can't be in this house today, I thought. I genuinely have no plans but I need to be on a beach and I need to not be here. 

I then packed up my CES bag, grabbing my computer and all applicable chargers. 

I have no idea where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there - but as long as I have these things, the rest will just work itself out. 

The bus ride over, as usual, was an adventure. 

Stay classy, Los Angeles! 

Anywho, I arrived at the beach an hour later and immediately faceplanted on the sand. 

When I get really really really upset, my brain actually shuts down. I stop absorbing things, and I will misplace EVERYTHING I get my hands on. It's super annoying but until I work through the emotions I'm not a functioning human being. What better way to work through them than to literally ground yourself.

I then placed my hands over my face and began sobbing.

And FTR, this wasn't pretty girl sobbing, this was level baby sea lion.  

After literally two hours of sobbing. from. my. soul. I decided to text the guy I wanted to see. 

Hey! I said, are you free today? 

An hour later I got a response. I look down and read this ... 

Ouch. 

Never one to give up though I pressed on ... 

Again, he had no idea what was going on but I reached out and I did say earlier in the week that it was important to me to see him this weekend. 

After a few minutes there is still no text back. I then decide to call. It rings ... then goes to voicemail. 

I do not leave a message, I instead hung up the phone and continued to sob. 

The timing on all of this was as usual brilliant. 

To be rejected while MOURNING said childhood rejection was a wonderful, wonderful treat. 

Way to go, life!!! 

In that moment, I absolutely lost it. UN.CON.TROLLABLY. sobbing in a sea of tourists sunning. 

Top 3 worst life moment. 

I continued to sob with my hands over my eyes for almost an hour. I just ... lost it, man. It was a good, good cry. 

I then see someone crouch down in my eye line. 

It is a lifeguard. 

He motions for me to take off my headphones. 

I do. 

Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to not go into the water today, he informs me. 

I stare back at him genuinely confused. 

Wait, what? I say wiping my face and attempting to compose myself. 

Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to not go into the water today, he repeats. 

Ohh ... uhh ... kay ... I say back, shocked. 

He then walks away and I start laughing. 

Did I REALLY just get yelled at by a lifeguard for sobbing on the beach?? 

That's kind of hilarious. 

Thanks for the comedic interjection, life!!! 

Understanding that my constant was now a plan free evening, I decided to text some friends to see if anyone was around. 

Being in Santa Monica, one of the first people I reached out to was actually the duderino I met at the Silicone Beach Fest. He and I were dating up until I met Antonio, and he's a GREAT guy I just genuinely didn't see anything moving forward with him romantically.

Not wanting to lead him on though, I just didn't contact him after I got my number changed.

That is a true friend right there, nerds. Hilarious that it all started as a one night stand. 

Perfect, I said back. 

We then met up at the Whaler a few hours later and the second I saw him he gave me the biggest hug ever. 

Thank you so much for this I sighed into his shoulder gripping tightly. 

What happened, he said pulling up a stool? 

My grandmother died, I said. I couldn't go to the funeral and I just didn't want to be alone today. 

He smiled placing a hand on my leg. 

How have things been? he asked. 

uuuuhhhh, interesting, I said. 

Any travels? 

Yeah! I said. I just got back from Miami actually after this weirdo denerido ditched me while I was in a bikini. 

He starts laughing saying, of course you did. 

We then caught up on life and love. 

How is everything going for you dating wise? (outside of that last date clearly) 

I need to pop a baby out of my belly, I said. I'm super serious about settling down. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, I admitted. 

You've really evolved in the last few months, he then admitted. It's crazy actually. 

Thank you, I said. The last few months have been very ... eventful, I say with a slight sneer. 

We then finished up our beers and around midnight parted ways. Are you sure you don't want to crash at my place, he asked realizing that the bus ride back at that hour was not going to be pretty. 

Oh, I'm fine dude, I said. 

We then stood by his street. I really appreciated this, I said. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people and I never forget things like this. 

Not a problem he said with a smile and a hug. 

I sighed again in his shoulder. 

God, I just needed a hug from a friend, I thought.

See nerds, we're not born to be guarded, it is a learned behavior. I genuinely try to open up to people but over and over and over after 28 years, the only people that have ever hurt me were the ones closest to me. I HATE that part about my personality and my life experience, but I'm learning to deal with it and every day I am a little bit more open than the last. 

I'm not mad at the person that I didn't get to see - he was just speaking his constant. People are people and we are all on our own little journeys. Focus on people's actions, not their words, and no matter what always make sure your cell is charged so no matter where you end up in life, you can at least rock out to your playlist. 

Onward and upward. Things can only go up from here ... I hope. 

#namaste

Oh yeah and ... 

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