#NerdsUnite: An Uck-fay Ou-yay Letter
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
A nerdy love note from Jen: Hi, friends. It's me again. Two editors notes in one ... looky how awesome this is!! Either way, Eric here is going through a period of emotional growth. He may be a social dynamics expert (and DAMN NEAR the BEST I have ever seen in the field) but, like any other humanoid, he still has a lot of work to do on himself as well. I kept asking him to "go deeper" in his writing, and to push himself more - however explaining that to someone is like saying, look at the sky and try to see a deeper shade of blue. The brain literally doesn't know how to process it because all you're seeing is what you see. To be pushed into the intangible requires first to remove some of the blocks.
I told Eric to get deeper I wanted him to write a fuck you letter to all of the people that have ever wronged him. To just ... let it out ... and SCRREEEAMMMM F-U-C-K-Y-O-U.
This is his letter. It is very personal, and part of his journey. I commend you on being so brave Eric!
<3 Jen.
You know it’s been an intense week when this is what you write for TNTML.
FUCK YOU to my Dad, for all the times that you made me feel inadequate. FUCK YOU for never caring about what was important to me and making my values seem valueless. FUCK YOU for not supporting me. FUCK YOU for constantly luring me back into your life only to tear me down when I needed you most. FUCK YOU for forcing guilt when I needed advice. FUCK YOU for never dealing with your addiction to food and setting an example that is leading my sister down the same path. FUCK YOU for never listening or valuing what my mother had to say. FUCK YOU for the weekend you came all the way to LA just to tell me how shitty all my decisions were, and then ignoring my brother when all he wanted was for you to be proud of his first acting performance. FUCK YOU for leaving me there afterwards to comfort him as he cried and drank himself to sleep. FUCK YOU for thinking it was ok to disown me and then attempt a relationship without ever saying sorry. FUCK YOU for never saying sorry in general. FUCK YOU for all the promises that you made and never kept. FUCK YOU for telling me I wasn’t worth nice things. FUCK YOU for telling me that I shouldn’t want to be cool and making me feel like a worthless shit for wanting that. FUCK YOU for all the times all you had to do was stare at the ground and I knew you thought I would fail and then I did. FUCK YOU for all the times that same stare sent me into depression.
FUCK YOU to 90% of my high school friends. FUCK YOU for pretending to be my friends. FUCK YOU for never inviting me along to group hangouts. FUCK YOU for abandoning me as soon as one person in the group said that you should. FUCK YOU for not standing up to him and calling him on his bullshit. You are all fucking sheep. FUCK YOU to my so-called best friend for never being a good friend at all. FUCK all of YOU for never returning my calls. FUCK YOU for making me the butt of your jokes. FUCK YOU for calling me ugly. FUCK YOU for convincing me I had a small dick. FUCK YOU for saying that I was dumb. FUCK YOU for saying that I was talentless. FUCK YOU for using me as a guitar player just so you’d have one person who could actually play there fucking instrument. FUCK YOU for making fun of my body and calling me an ogre. FUCK YOU all for never caring about me enough to try and mend things. FUCK YOU for never inviting me to your most important life events. FUCK YOU for making me feel worthless. FUCK YOU for never making an effort and for never caring about me. FUCK YOU for all the times you made fun of me in front of girls I was attracted to. FUCK YOU for talking shit about me behind my back.
I realize after writing this that I have not overcome as much as I once thought. I realize that my constant search for validation comes from all of this. I realize that my inability to stand up for myself comes from a lack of self-worth. I realize that my deprecating self-sentiment still looms. I realize that I still think I’m worthless. I realize that I still feel talentless. I realize that I still feel dumb. I realize I feel very alone. I realize that I place my core values secondary to other people’s priorities because I don’t think they’re worth it. I realize that the reason I love being in social settings so much is because I get validation there. I realize that I still don’t think I’m capable of success. I realize that I settle. I realize that I am talking too much and not walking enough because I’m scared. I realize that I still don’t trust myself.
but...
I know I’m capable. I know I’m talented. I know I’m smart. I know I’m attractive. I know I can do something great in this world. I know I am worthy. I know I deserve happiness. I know I deserve respect. I know I still have farther to go before I realize what I already know.
#thatisall
If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com