#NerdsUnite: My first adult heartbreak (PT. 4)
<editorsnote> In this series of posts, I hope to explore and examine my first adult relationship and subsequent heart break in the hopes of releasing what may or may not still be present. </editorsnote>
First off, this is a series of posts. SOOOO if you haven't read part 1, part 2, and part 3, take a sec and have a look. It's kosher, I'll wait right here. Doop dee doo, lah dee dah.
Rad, you're back. DAMNNNN you read fast homedog.
K, so next part of the story. Here's the song ...
Dr. Phil's son's wedding was in the end of August, and dude, Noah said he LOVED ME!! Eff Dr. Phil, eff all that noise - the guy that I loved told me he loved me back - and AT THE SAME TIME I WAS IN LOVE!!! (Not like Romeo ... grr!!)
I then started floating the idea around with us moving in together. Was it fast? Certainly. But that drive was LITERALLY killing me, and we were together almost every night anyway - it just made sense.
SOOOO, what would you think about you and me making a go of this, I asked.
What is "making a go of this?"
Like living together. I practically live here anyway, and I can't handle the commute anymore. I drive all day for work, and the back and forth is really wearing on me; I'm here almost every night. Something has to give on either end. Either you need to come hang out at my place, or we need to re-evaluate our time spent together.
He thought about it, and was still a bit hesitant.
Of course I'd pay rent and everything too. I don't expect a free ride.
Pay rent? He thought. DONE! he said.
And boom - just like that, I went back to my apartment and told my roommate what was going on.
I had a feeling this was going to happen, Jenny said (my old roomie).
I gave her a big hug - but I love you so so much. I want you to know that. I just have to follow my heart.
I understand doll face, just invite me to the wedding.
Yes ma'am!!
And so it began. I started boxing my things up, and figuring out what I could and couldn't take of all my Price is Right goodness.
<tangent> In total I won over 5K in furniture. I got a curio cabinet, chandelier, washer and dryer, dinette set, and uber fancy vacuum cleaner. I'm not even kidding, talk about BANK for a 20 year old that was brand new to LA. UGHHH!! Thank you thank you thank you Bob Barker. </tangent>
In all of the packing-up-ness, I wound up taking the vacuum, curio cabinet, and dinette set; I sold or donated the other items.
I vividly remember packing up my things and putting them into bags and boxes. I was so UNBELIEVABLY excited about everything. Here was this guy that I loved, that LOVED ME!!! And we were going to start this new life together.
Dudes, I was moving to the fucking Valley. Are you kidding me?? People in LA do NOT get excited to move to the Valley. (Sorry LA buds, but keeping that shit real.) The Valley is unbelievably hot in the summer, and unbelievably cold in the winter. It is not the prime destination to be in LA, but Noah was where my heart was, and wherever he wanted to be - I would be as well.
Again too, his mom had left him her townhouse when she passed. Moving in with him was pretty much a no brainer from the logical perspective. And he might not have been as ready to take that step as I was - but financially speaking, he dug the reprieve.
The first few months in Noah's crib were bittersweet.
I was happy to finally have a pretty solid commitment from him, but I still felt this ... void. I couldn't explain it.
<tangent>Wait, hold the phone Friel, was I love you not enough? How did this not feel so unbelievably soon!! What were you thinking 21 year old self!?!? That's the thing though when you don't have a solid sense of worth, or truly loving yourself you seek it out in relationships. Growing up a black sheep in my own family, and not having ANY solid friendships or even relationships in school really fucked with my head. (read about my high school experience here) I never learned to love myself, I instead consistently people pleased. Dudes, even in reading the notes in my journal over and over and over I wrote - "I can't STAND bending over backwards for people, and not feeling appreciated." Think about that ... what is bending over backwards? I don't do SHIT for people anymore. It doesn't mean I care any less, but my 26 year old self has learned where I stand on my own two feet - and I meet people half way. Do I give my all, and still do all I can for people? Absofuckinglutely. But when you people please you sacrifice a piece of yourself in order to receive validation from other people. I WANTED to be thanked when in fact no thank you anyone could ever give me would ever be enough. I wanted them to fill this void in me, that wasn't capable of being filled. Buttttttt, at that age - I didn't get it. It's the oxygen mask analogy. When the SHIT is hitting the fan, and you're going down ... what are you instructed to do? Put on your mask before anyone else's. Remember that in life, nerderinos!
On the gnarly side of things though - that Halloween I was featured in the LA Times, and on the front page of their site online ...
Here's how it appeared in color ...
Noah's interior designer and I became good buds, and he put together this set/ show for the West Hollywood parade. It was super rad. I did the makeup and hair - but the dress was all his. So much talent. REDIC!
</tangent>
From the time I moved in until my birthday in December - it was consistently filled with highs and lows. I don't know how else to describe it. Something epic would happen - like being in the LA Times, and then it was met with ... resentment. Noah didn't like the attention I would get. He didn't like taking me to bars, and he would make comments to me when his friends came over (which was all the time). It started to mess with my head, I felt like he resented me for looking the way that I do. I kept thinking, but isn't that part of what you're attracted to?
When you're with someone like that though, they don't exactly compliment you. He never told me I was pretty, or beautiful - the few times he did I had to PULL it out of him. When you're someone who had no validation within themselves and sought for it feverishly in other people, it eventually wears on you.
Also too, I was working in sales for Verizon - and I adored the job, but I was sexually harassed in the field all day every day, and on top of that, the inner office politics were enough to make your head spin. Now, of course I laugh, because that job taught me how to play in a boys club and really hold court, but at 21, again, I was a different person.
That dynamic was a weird psychological fuck. Here I was getting hit on morning, noon, and night in the field and then going home to a boyfriend who never called me beautiful. I started to resent my looks, and grew bitter. I just can't win, I thought. Here's this guy in my life that doesn't appreciate it, yet there are PLENTY of other dudes in the world that do, but I don't have eyes for anyone else. I love Noah.
<tangent> And dudes, you have to understand, I may seem like I am a commit phobe after 103 dates and still being single - but I assure you, I am just picky. I am not at all a commit phobe, Noah taught me that. I had BLINNDDERRRSSS on in that relationship. I never ever ever ever ever knew when another guy was around. I was HEAD OVER HEELS in love with Noah. He was ... my guy. My dude. My go-to. </tangent>
The end of 2006 was tough, but by the time my birthday in December I was hopeful. The holidays were around the corner, I thought - things were definitely looking up. Also too, my brother and parents had decided to come out and visit me that year for my birthday - so seriously, life was looking DAMN GOOD!!!
Then, a couple of days before my birthday I wound up with a SUPER GNARLY kidney infection and was bed ridden.
No wait, that's not sounding dramatic enough.
Dudes, I kid you not.
I.
COULD.
NOT.
MOVE.
I don't know what exactly happened, but I wound up going to the hospital and I had a RIDICULOUS fever. Like crazy ridiculous high, I was hallucinating at times, and the rest shaking from being so hot and so cold all at the same time. I can't remember a time I was ever that sick.
Noah unfortunately was no help during my illness.
He would check in on me and what not, but I remember the day of my birthday being alone. It was horrible actually, my parents had just come into town and they had spent all day looking for this red velvet birthday cake, and Noah and my brother decided on my actual birthday to finally go out and get my gift.
I vividly remember crying hysterically in bed. Not only am I sick on my birthday, but even my family is in town, and I am still alone.
I remember getting up from bed, and curling up to the fire in the fireplace next to the bed.
I can't handle this ... I just want someone here ... please. SOMEONE!! I cried hugging myself in the fetal position.
My parents didn't understand that I didn't give a flying fuck about a cake, I just didn't want to be alone - but I didn't know how to tell them that.
I instead lashed out at Noah when he came home.
He and my brother took a REALLY long time at the mall.
JUST BE HERE WITH ME, I screamed. I just want someone! I just want someone! I just ... want ... someone.
I can't be alone right now.
He looked at me, strangely.
Well, I was bonding with YOUR brother - what are you talking about? You've been sleeping all day!!
No I haven't! I've been awake, and I don't care about cake, or presents or ANYTHING!!! I just want you to be here, WHAT PART OF THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I coughed and screamed with every last ounce of energy in my body.
I can't deal with you, he stormed off.
Fine, BE THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I rolled back over in bed, and passed out to the sound of my brother and Noah laughing downstairs.
Fuck this, and fuck you.
I can't fully find the words to articulate how I felt fully in that moment. There were the 4 people in the world that I loved the MOST, and I still felt alone, and still felt ... void, and hollow.
Why doesn't this feel good, I thought. This isn't the way love is supposed to be.
Pain in my kidney then kicked in and I reached for my pills. I don't remember how many I took but it was enough to knock me out for the rest of the evening.
Happy birthday, I thought.
Happy fucking birthday.
#fml
Next up, I actually suffer a nervous breakdown. I wanted an escape from feeling so void, and boooyyy did I get one.
