#Fact: I am not prepared for my brother to get married

First off, lemme just preface this post by saying that I haven't talked to my brother about anything ... nor do I know if he is even close to reaching this point in his relationship ... etc. These are just my own personal thoughts after spending an afternoon with my parents and reflecting upon the future.

BOOM! Got that covered. Here's the song that goes with the post ...

Feeling blueI have literally been crying all afternoon. First because this city has totally kicked my ass. I have never in all of my life looked forward to leaving a place. This is LITERALLY the coldest city ever. Like ever ever. People stare at me obnoxiously, but no one says anything. Dudes don't talk to you at bars, but they do pick you up on the street ... twice.

I'm emotionally rattled from this city, and I never thought I'd ever say that about anything!! I am a tough tough chick, but I fucking hated Boston. Yes, it was great catching up with old friends, and seasons 2 and 3 of the TV show are totally going to be bitchin ... but I just can't handle these kinda people. All so stiff and all so proper. I drink beer, eat beef jerky, and rock vans. I date in a public forum, talk candidly about sex without it making me a slut and I enjoooooyyyyyyyy life, and live it to my definition of the fullest. I can't comprehend life being any other way.

Ugh, I'm starting to go off on a tangent, but I hope you can at least understand my current state of consciousness. Mood: Sad

And dudes, I'm NEVER sad!!! I am like the happiest little mother fucking clam on this planet!!! I am so grateful every day to get to do what I do ... but I am straight legit sad, and could not be happier to leave for NYC in the morning. If we get renewed for season 4 I am NOT coming back to Boston, I can't handle it. 

So ... all that happened. But one of the rad things about this trip has been seeing my parentals. I don't get to see them very often since they live on the other side of the country from me - but they were in CT for my cousin's wedding, and they took a mini excursion up to Boston to visit me yesterday.

Nerderinos, meet my dad ...

... and my mom ...

She's such a betty.

We started talking about everything, and my brother naturally came up in conversation. My brother and I couldn't be any different. No like for reals, take a life spectrum put me on one end, and him on the other. I'm a nerdy hippie that spent a year crashing random shit, and bartering social media to live. My brother is an analyst at the Pentagon with a super fancy title that I have no idea what it means but apparently does well for himself.

To say I love my brother is the understatement of the century. I worship at the church of my brother. He was my built in best friend growing up, and coming from being a bit on the weirder side as a wee lass, he was pretty much my only friend for a lot of my childhood.

He chased boys away when they picked on me on the playground, protected me through all my family shit growing up, and literally saved my life multiple times with my stalkers.

My brother is it for me - they don't come much better at all and or whatsoever. Sure we're different, but it works. The Friel siblings are a good team in this world.

That being said, my brother just hit the 3 year mark with his girlfriend (his first serious), and things are getting pretty real apparently. Again, I haven't talked to him about anything ... so I really don't know - but I can't stop crying at the thought that one day my brother is going to get married.

How horrible is that? I love my brother's girlfriend. I think she's so rad, and would love it if he does choose to marry her and she becomes part of the family ... but I'm just in this odd mourning of, omg - I'm going to lose my brother!!!

Like how ridiculous does that sound, right?

But it's true! And I can't deny my feelings.

26 has been hands down the best year of my life, but also the most challenging for me on an emotional level. This was the very first year that aging really hit me. Dudes, I am getting old. I've been done with high school for 10 years, and that went by in the BLINK of an eye. It freaks me out actually.

A lot.

I wouldn't want to be any younger again, I find with each year life to only get more intellectually stimulating - but it's still hard seeing one more grey hair, and a few lines around the eyes.

My brother being at this point in his relationship also has a profound effect on me from an age perspective. So, now if they got married, I would have a sister in law? Are they going to have kids? OMG I would be an aunt!! I love love love kids, and would spoil the bejeepers out of 'em - but am I really ready for my BROTHER to have kids??

I thought my brother buying a house last year would be weird enough, but this whole realization that all of these new labels are waiting to be placed on me - and I don't know how okay I am with that.

Obviously, I have no choice in the matter, and no matter what decision my brother ever makes, I will 110% support him.

It's just hard because here my brother is at a near turning point in his life, and I can't even date. Fuck having a boyfriend - I'm 26 haven't been in a serious relationship in years, and haven't even had a Valentine before. I just don't find guys that inspire me that much - as horrible as that sounds. I want a package, and I won't settle for less.

You HAVE to be passionate about life.

You HAVE to be passionate about what you do.

You HAVE to be pretty solid about who you are.

You HAVE to be intelligent.

Do you have any idea how hard that is to find in the dating world? I think that's also why I had such a hard time this week seeing my World Civ crush. He actually is that package. He has this sparkle about him, this intangible quality that I look for in a dude. If I lived in Boston I would be petitioning to date him, but for now - I am happy to have spent time with him. That fucker melted my soul - not an easy thing to do.

I am at a personal breaking point. I can't handle any more bad dates, I can't handle my heart being broken anymore, and I don't understand what my next doable action is.

I'm not exactly a warm person. I have a MASSIVELY big guard up when it comes to dudes, and all the attributes that make me a killer in business completely impede my personal life. I don't have attachments to people. Well, I take that back ... I do, but they are limited. Guys don't inspire me (which is also why I questioned my sexuality - but happy to report, straighter than straight), and the ones and twosies that manage to make an impact on me in some capacity never end up working out. I don't get it. What is wrong with me? Who goes their entire life without even a valentine??

I am throwing myself at the mercy of this community. I just ... don't know what to do anymore.

My head hurts.

My heart hurts.

My soul is defeated.

And I DEFINITELY am not prepared for my brother to get married.

Get me out of Boston ... now.

#fml