#Adventure: 4 Cities in 30 Days - Dudes, last night I stayed in a glorified brothel
HAHA omg omg omg I am totally not even kidding either. This shit. is. bananas. First up, lemme get a post. Heard this on the metro this morning and it made me laugh because I was on something called the "loop" listening to this ...
Okey dokey - so my adventure kicked off yesterday traveling to Chicago for the #20SBSummit. I'm speaking at the conference tomorrow, and I wanted to get in last night to try and meet some of you today, and also catch the end of day 1.
I'm staying in a hostel here in Chicago, but the first night unfortunately they were all booked. Um yeah - they were ALL booked. FML, I thought - I'll just sleep in the airport.
Dudes, I slept in my car - I've slept in the airport before ... it's really not that big of a deal. You just have to literally sleep on your luggage and make sure you don't take any sleepaids so you can stay alert enough to move if you have to; it's not illegal to sleep in an airport, but it's not really welcomed either.
When I was in my meeting on Wednesday the venture capitalist duderino saw on my itinerary that I was going to be taking greyhounds and sleeping in the airport. Now mind you, I am getting paid to film this TV show, but I have to front some of the costs in executing. Sucky - but true, and when you're on a ramen and lemon water budget to begin with, it adds a whole horse of a different color.
The duderino looked down and said I can't have you doing this, you have to stay safe. BAM! He cut me a check. Like seriously, I started to cry at the table. I tried doing pretty girl cry - but it ended up somewhere in between pretty girl and baby seal.
Dude, this is a huge help - you have no idea.
No, I do, he said. I believe in you.
BOOM - just like that, I was able to get a hotel and not sleep in the airport. Still being frugal however, instead of opting for a 4 star, I hit up Expedia and found a loverly 2 star for $50 a night.
Actual expedia pictureIt's one night, I thought - and it looks really clean.
Whatever, I slept in my car - I won't be mad at it.
I look down at the amenities and they include a free shuttle from the airport and free wifi.
DUDES!!! You had me at free wifi!!!
BOOKED!!!!!!
Book the hotel, get on my flight - and after a bit of a delay and a gate change I end up in the windy city of Chi-town.
I reach into my little lanyard thingie that holds all of my travel documents, whip out my Droid charge and call the hotel asking where to pick up the shuttle.
::dials phone number doop dee doo:: Hi! I just landed and would like to know where I can pick up the shuttle to the hotel.
Do you have your luggage, said the crusty voice of the dude on the other line that sounded like he's been smoking for LITERALLY his entire life.
All set. I didn't check anything (Gone for a month and can still be a minimalist - this nerd is WINNING!).
Great. Meet out ::crackle crackle crackle::
Sir, I can't hear you. Can you speak up, or more clearly - please.
Yes, meet out ::crackle crackle crackle::
FML.
Sir, I REALLY cannot hear you ...
He cuts me off and screams, MEET OUT BY THE SHUTTLE AREA NUMBER THREE. TWENTY MINUTES!!!!!!
How long? I say (not trying to be a smartass but I genuinely couldn't hear)
Click.
The fucker hung up on me, I thought. Alrite, well let's just hope he's not the guy that is coming to pick me up - we are totes not going to be besties.
Twenty minutes later while sitting outside the GHETTOEST - and I mean GHEEETTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO white 1989, door falling off hinge, might have had the name of the hotel on the side of it back back back in the day, minivan pulled up.
Are you the chick from 310? (He asked for my number prior to my arrival. 310 is LA's area code)
That's me!
Get in, said the man with the same crusty voice.
FML
I hop in the creepy white van, with the creepy white driver and away I went to the hotel.
I google mapped it prior, so I knew it was only about 3 miles away - a short enough trip to stay out of trouble.
We pull up to the hotel, and I quickly realize it was not the same hotel as the picture. First up, it was on a SUPPERRRR ghetto street, and when I got out of the car there was BOOMING music coming from this "banquet" hall that moonlit as a club.
OMG OMG OMG please do not tell me I have to listen to this all night (it was about 1:30 am at this point).
He walks me inside and goes behind the counter. Last name, please?
Friel. Jennifer.
K, you're all set payment wise because you used Expedia. (THANK GOD!!! I do not want to give you my credit card.)
Here's your room number, 147 - go around the corner, to the right, hang another right, and down the hall.
Is that away from all this noise?
Ma'am - the club will close soon. You are fine.
Two girls dressed in bikinis approach to use the restroom which was next to reception. Hold up, I say dressed - they weren't dressed ... they had already FALLEN out of their bikinis.
Mind you too, I am from LA, go to the Playboy Mansion - I have ZZZEEERROOOOO problem with nudity. Hey man, I welcome it - be comfortable in your own skin ALWAYS.
These girls .... ::shivers:: ... made me rethink that entire philosophy. You can be too comfortable in your own skin when you are toothless with matted hair, and have added layers of love to your body that I didn't know fat could actually accumulate.
I. was. shocked.
I took these pictures SUPER quickly as I was walking out this morning. BAHHHH!!! I start walking down the hall and as I am walking by with my bags, guys are getting patted down at the door of the club.
I look up confused.
Hi mama ... guys start cooing.
A few more girls trickle out in bikinis.
OMG! I am just trying to find my room!!!!!!!!
I walk past, thank you - good night boys.
I continue walking down the hall completely freaked out looking over at dudes making out with these too comfortable in their own skin bikini girls.
I finally get to my room, and close the door.
WHEW! I made it, I thought.
I turn around to bolt the door, and alas - there was no chain.
WHHHAAATTT!!!! How do they not have an extra lock on these doors? Are you shitting me?!!?!!
Freaked out at the possibility of one of the club dudes walking into the wrong room, my ninja self took a look around at what I had and created a barricade.
Duct tape and an ironing board, bitches!!!!
So, that's how I slept. I actually got an AH-MAZING nights sleep!!! I think it had more to do with the fact that I was THAT exhausted, but who knows. Falling asleep to the sound of skin slapping skin is therapeutic.
EEWWEEEEEE!!!
There ya go! That happened! Adventures are already goin' down. This morning I asked the shuttle duderino to take me back to the airport so I could hop the metro. I snapped this picture of him ...
Creepy McGee for izzles.
And now I am sitting in a Panera bread drinking their AH-MAZING green ice tea, writing this, and attempting to escape the rain ...
What is this wet stuff??? UGHH!!! I don't think I'm in LA anymore.
#thatisall
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