#WTF: About last night ... can I get a rundown?
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson.Wow. Wow. Wow. There are no words for how unbelievably weird this post is going to be ... IIIIIIIIIII still feel weird. In fact, I'm drinking a corona as I write this, if by the end the words start getting all mumble jumbley - blame that.
So, I'm super stressed right now. Like UNBELIEVABLY so. We're RIIIGGHHHTTTT at this point of shizzy shiznat about to get real, but the problem is that it's all happening at once - if I stop moving for 1 second one of the pots is going to boil over and I'm fucked.
When I get this stressed out, the only thing that shuts off my brain is sex. Like literally - I want my eyes rolled so far back into the back of my head and my body to be experiencing SUCH tremendous pleasure - that my lovies is the ONLY way I will ever stop thinking about this brand, or that oh, I need to email this person, did that person call me back? Where do we stand with xyz??
So as a backstory all that's going on ... you can imagine my delight last night when I get an email followed by a phone call from the duderino I met at comic con during his bachelor party that had poured his heart out to me after us meeting and then a few days later told me he and his fiance were done. Yahhhh!! WEIRD!!! Read the whole story here.
Wonderin' what I was up to ehhhhh????
I sent him my number, and he called me right back. He told me he was about 300 miles out - so I knew he was going to be about 5 hours.
Perfect, I said. I'm just going to a dinner but we can meet up after and just hang out.
I'd really like that. Do you mind if I shower first though? I've been mountain biking for the last 2 days and am really dirty.
Me, now with the BEST MENTAL PICTURE EVER, muster up something along the lines of .. uh, yes.
<tangent> As I said in the original post - this guy is HANDS DOWN the HOTTEST GUY I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!! Yup, you heard that right and I'm superly duperly sorry Pete Cashmore, you know I love you ... but this guy - holy fuck. He is that perfect blend of sexy, cute, and flat out GORGEOUS. Like seriously ... I'm not even attracted to the GQ looking boys anymore, but this was one of those moments where you realize that woman-kind needs you. If you have the opportunity for a guy THIS gorgeous to get naked in a place where you get naked, women everywhere will have to bow down out of respect. You were the girl that got that shit done and put it on LOCK!!!!! </tangent>
So for woman-kind, yes, I was going to let him take a shower in my apartment. Was it weird because here I was at 3am after Comic Con meeting this dude in the lobby of a hotel, and now a few weeks later he was going to swing on by on his way back to San Diego to take a shower at my place? Absofuckinglutely!!!!!
That's what makes life awesome cause I spend it ...
(and I also checked with the roomster, and she was cool - so that made it all that much better)
So, we get back home from dinner - and he calls to ask for our addy ... I give it to him, and also ask that he picked up some corona before coming by. Hey, I wasn't sure what the fuck I was getting myself into with this one, but to use our shower the least you can do is just grab a 6 pack.
A few minutes later my phone blows up again -
hello?
I'm here! he says.
Why yes, I'll COME right down. ::snicker snicker snicker::
I look over at my roomie who was in the hallway announcing:
I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM.
I'm not!! I barely know him ... no way. Not having sex with him. Nope nope nope.
She turns back without skipping a beat - who are you trying to convince of that fact? You, or me.
I laugh as I run out the front door to get him.
I walk outside, and see his truck in the street. Yes, of course, in the fantasy life of Jen Jen, the hottest guy I have ever seen would of COURSE drive a pick up truck with a mountain bike strapped to the back of it.
Such a fucking panty dropper.
I run up to his truck and tell him to just park anywhere.
He finds a spot, and a few minutes later he approaches with the corona and I take him upstairs.
I'm really dirty, he said, I don't want to hug you yet.
Why yes, yes you are a dirty boy - I think ... what actually comes out of my mouth was something along the lines of "shower is this way."
I didn't even show him how to use the damn thing because frankly I was busy still picking my jaw up with how UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS this guy is!!!
Like seriously ... I NEVER EVER get like this about dudes unless they are Pete Cashmore!!! This guy is like Pete's hotter older brother with a body like Beckham, and the height of an adonis.
Perfection. Whoever made that thing needs to like be plucked from the general population and tested for some genetic mutiny. There is NO WAY two mortals should have EVER been able to produce something like that. For reals.
I crack open the corona (12 pack - good job duderino!), and as I am opening one for my roomie as well, my phone starts ringing.
Oh god, who could this be ...
Oh yes, it's my Fornication Under Consent of the King buddy. I. KID. YOU. NOT.
Apparently I must have been putting on full blast with just how UNBELIEVABLY horny I was and he read the bat signal.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I say as I start laughing and dancing around the kitchen. Of COURSE, he would call now. I haven't talked to him since what happened last week.
I ignore his calls and after about the third try, he leaves a voicemail. To protect his identity I won't upload it, but I can transcribe it:
We are never around each other when I want to get fucked, or you want to get fucked. It's Awful. Awful. Anyway that's what I was thinking for the evening ::chuckle:: obviously. If you get this give me a call, alright bye.
I take a swig of the corona and start laughing HYSSTTERRRIIIICALLLLYYYYYY ... of COURSE this would be happening right now. HAHAHAHA!! Omg, my life has now entered the realm of ridiculousness.
The roomster and I sit down on the couches in the living room and a minute later he emerges from the shower.
No, not in a towel dripping wet asking to be dried off as he can't quite reach his back - that was just in my fantasy. ::sigh::
In reality, he was perfectly dressed with wet hair, and smelling DAAMMMNNNNNN GOOD.
He approaches me, here - now I can give you a hug.
OMG, I think - the hottest guy I have ever seen has now just felt my boobies on his chest. Like seriously - is this happening right now?!?!?! Breathe Jen ... DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE!!!! Well actually, he's in the military - forget to breathe, he might have to perform CPR ... that could be hot. ::slaps my inner voice:: Stop it!!! Stay present.
He sits down next to me on the couch with open arms and legs - VERY INVITING BODY LANGUAGE!!!
Can I get you a beer?
Yeah! Just one though - I'm only going on two hours sleep.
AHHH so you'll be tired soon, I think. ::insert Mr. Burns voice:: Excellent.
He then starts talking about his ex fiancée ... and when I mean he starts talking - I mean he starts TAAALLLKKIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!
This dude is only 24 and was about to marry this woman til DEATH DO THEM PART - and now that's gone. Albeit, yes there were also certain "perks" that came along with being married when in the military (click here to read the original post).
I totally recognize that he is at the point in his life where he is in need of an epic adventure. For reals, he totally had the good boy syndrome growing up with a troubled family, then did the good boy thing of getting engaged to the girl that he had been dating for a few years - and because he wasn't listening to his heart, BAM he ended up here. Well, technically speaking SHE ended the engagement by updating her Facebook status before actually talking to him about it. So super fucking weird. Dudes, have you not read the original post? What's going on here!?!? GO! READ!!
After about an hour of us all talking, I reach down and grab my phone, pretending to respond to an email and text my roomie on the other couch.
SHHH!! Stop it logical, and AWESOME roomie!!!
I. want. to. bone.
I. need. to. bone.
This. has. to. happen.
FACT
The conversation sways to political parties, and I quickly nip that in the bud. So, you're more than welcome to take my bed, and I can sleep here on the couch.
<tangent> for reals - from a logistics standpoint this guy has to be EASILY 6'3, there is no way in hell he is going to fit on our couch. I on the other hand am merely 5'7 - and can perfectly fit; it all made perfect sense. </tangent>
I go into my bedroom and show him where he was going to sleep.
You're not really going to sleep on the couch, he said.
Um, well, if you would like me to sleep in here with you I will, but I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I can sleep on the other side ...
He interrupts me - it's fine.
I went into the bathroom and changed into my PJs - however, this time, there weren't sock monkeys on them. HAHA!!
I walk back into my room expecting him to be stripped down with the ceiling fan fanning him juuuuussssttttt right - and there to be this air of ... come hither baby.
I walk into my room and there he is. Still in his clothes, looking at my framed poster of the first time I shot at a shooting range.
Yep, that was my first time - dude, look at that grouping!!
Pretty good! He says.
I then proceed to get under the covers.
He removes his shirt, stands up and says, well I didn't have any clean underwear to put on after moutain biking, so I'm not wearing anything under these jeans.
OMG in the porno that is my life, that line could NOT have been delivered any better. SERIOUSLY!! Did that just come out of your mouth??
"Well I didn't have any clean underwear to put on after moutain biking, so I'm not wearing anything under these jeans."
MY.HORMONES.ARE.RAGING!!!!!
I take a few deep breaths as his half naked, still jeaned self climbed into my bed and under the covers.
OMG, I think. The hottest guy I have ever seen in my entire life is now half naked in my bed. I AM WINNING AT LIFE!!!
WINNING
WINNING
WINNING
He then tells me that after being in the military he can't sleep in silence because his ears have a permanent ring to them.
Oh dude, no problem! I normally have to fall asleep to netflix just to shut my brain off.
I climb out of bed and run over to my macbook pro and pull up my account. To my delight, Ape to Man pulls up from the History Channel.
OMG OMG OMG OMG!! YES!! I've been wanting to watch this!!! Do you like the History Channel?
Of COURSE, he says.
Oh yeah - we're totally going to bone, I think.
I get back under the covers and then realize how far awwaayyyyyy from me he is. For reals, I only have a queen size bed - and I never realized there was THAT much room in this thing. Note to self: threesome can totally go down on a queen. SCORE!
But wait, I thought, why is he all the way over there, and I'm all the way over here. Ruh roh.
He then starts talking ... and talking ... and talking.
Again, peeps like pour their soul to me - I'm not mad at it, I get it all the time - I'm used to it. But right now, I'm horny, you're half naked ... words need to not be a part of this.
Then as we're both laying there awkwardly - my phone starts BLOOWWINNNGGG up ...
OMG not now - talk about a buzz kill.
Sorry, the bars are getting out - it's just my friend.
He then continues to pour his heart and soul out ... and 20 minutes later, it starts up again.
I go to reach for my phone which was charging on his side of the bed. Wait, I quickly realize my boobs are going to be straight up in his grill if I continued (this may not be a bad thing Jen!!) - no, respect him, and stop being the dude. Let HIM make the first move ... you need to be the chick Jen Friel!
I ask him to hand me my phone, where I turn it onto silent.
WHEW!
He then continues talking ... for LITERALLY hours. Like hours hours he's laying in my bed half naked talking about his life, and where he wants to go with it - and how confused he is now.
I explained to him that I was the same way when I started my website. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew it felt good - so I had to keep going. I had nothing else to win or lose in life.
He said he understood, and my eyes slowly started to close. I continuously snapped myself out of it. No, Jen, you MUST stay awake!! Woman-kind needs you to bone this dude tonight. This is a ONCE in a lifetime opportunity to bed an adonis ... must. be. done - literally.
Somewhere past the point of feeling like I needed to charge for a therapy session, I fell asleep.
I can't believe he actually just used me for my brain not my body. I feel like such an emotional slut.
He then wakes me up by saying, I can't sleep in these jeans - they're too uncomfortable.
I reach over and grab my big red blanket. Here, take off your pants and wrap this around you. I can't promise at one point I won't sneak a peek, but I will be INCREDIBLY respectful - you are a guest in my house.
Thanks, he says as he grabs it.
But I also have a habit of kicking off covers during the night as I get too hot.
LIKE SERIOUSLY!?!?!? QUIT WITH THE BAD PORNO LINES DUDE!! MY HORMONES CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!
I place the pillow over my face - I can't take this anymore. I can't ... I CAN'T!!!!
Well, what do you want to do?
I want you to kiss me, I say breaking my own rule of making the dude make the first move.
He stays on his side of the bed for a moment, and I slowly start to realize he is turning me down.
AHHH fuck, I say under my breath. Back under the pillow, I think. I really just want to crawl back into my hole right now.
Just then, he leans over and kisses me. Like HAAARRRRRRRDDD.
FUCK YES!!!!!!
He pulls back, is this on the record or off?
If you get me off - it's off, I think.
Off the record if you want it to be, I say. I'm always incredibly respectful of other people, this just happens to be what I choose to do with my life.
He kisses me again.
And that ladies and germie men is where I have to leave it - I promised him no matter what happened, I wouldn't say anything.
I can however, say that sadly, we didn't bone - just had a whollleee lotta heavy petting.
And that my friends, was good enough to silence my inner animal.
WHOOP WHOOP!!
Woman-kind: 1
Man-kind: 0
#YAYLIFE
