#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
I Can't Adjust.
I feel awful this week. I'm so frustrated with life. With every.single.aspect. of my life.
I still miss my ex (duh!) and that there is no easy answer for that situation. I either just deal with missing him until the pain subsides or get back together with him and deal with everyone thinking I'm an idiot. Ugh, that's not even an option. I can't even get back together with him. I can't if he keeps his current job. I am not able to be a part of his life while he works there. Period. He just started working in a different (better) department and is hoping to get promoted again. I don't even want to compete against working on Marvel movies (which was a life goal for him). He came by the other night to collect some mail and as I listened to him talking about future plans at this company my heart just fell. I can't ask him to leave since I can't guarantee that even if he did I would want to be with him again, I wouldn't want him to resent me. This is the whole reason we moved out to Los Angeles! He's complained so much about the job in the past that I was hoping he would organically leave the company on his own accord.
His job literally haunts me. I can't even go anywhere without seeing fucking movie posters for every movie his company has worked on! It's December, I'm in Florida, dying inside and there are movie posters everywhere for Gulliver's Travels. It's April and Thor posters are all over Hollywood. Rinse and repeat with Captain America. It's torture! And the fact that it's stuff I like, that people expect me to see and talk to me about is just so painful.
For the rest of time his name will be on the credits with hers. Always.
Yet, I still can't even comprehend the concept of dating. Of dealing with someone else's shit. Not right now.
My self-esteem is just hovering, up and down, up and down. Being left by the person you love most in the world does a nice job of making you feel like shit.
I'm worried that I am not attractive enough to get the attention of guys that I find attractive. I have horrible self esteem issues, not with my body, but with my face, or even more specifically, my nose. I think about getting a nose job at least once a week.
Then there are a couple of random things that are bothering me:
- High School reunion: Yes, it's $500 for a plane ticket that I really don't have the money for but I really don't want to go because practically everyone is married or at least in a relationship. It's sad that I'm surely more successful than many of these people and yet this one aspect makes me feel ashamed (it's a trade-off; my success and my ex's success and the fast-paced LA lifestyle that cost us our relationship vs. slower suburban lifestyle with more time to spend with family).
- Friend's wedding. Super excited for her. Not jealous or angry that I didn't get married. Just sad that I have to go alone.My ex's good friend (whom I've known now for 8 years) is getting married and I can't celebrate with him.
I'm also just freaking out over completely normal things that I am just completely not used to:
- Dudes at work showing interest in me. One dude sometimes says things to me that are kinda inappropriate and since I've only known him since I've been single I wonder if he would pull that shit if I was engaged/married.
- Friends and co-workers making comments about me and this other guy I work with. I want to be like, "Yo! Get outta ma bizznizz people!"
- People offering to fix me up. I know they're trying to help but it makes me feel like I'm something broken that people want to fix.
- Having to turn dudes down because I'm not interested (I'm not interested in anyone right now, don't take it personally)
Adjusting to this new life is exhausting.
My survivor mode is wearing off. This weird abundance of energy that I had after the shock is slowing down. The extra passion I had for life, the need to prove myself is wearing off and I'm left feeling tired and hopeless.
I'm literally getting physically exhausted by trying to hang out with people. I just want to turn my back on the world and be alone. But then Ill complain about being lonely, lol. This is usually when I dream about running away and living out the rest of my days in Key West; fishing everyday for food and ending the day with a beer at sundown.
In brighter news - I went skydiving on Sunday!! And it was awesome!
Need some help nerds: What should I say moving forward when people ask me why I came out to LA? The real reason is because of my ex. I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS ANYMORE! People give me this "Oh, guess it didn't work out" look. I super hate lying, but I'm willing to give it a go.
#nerdsunite
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