Deep Thoughts with @JenFriel

AHHHHHHHHHHH FML. FML. FML.

My add right now is still super bad. I'm supposed to be finishing pulling an all nighter editing on this project, and instead I can't shake the posts from the last few days re: my first love.

First off, <spoiler alert> if you haven't read the final chapter (part 5) STOP HERE!!! Go read it now ... it's cool, I'll wait here and twiddle my thumbs.

Doop dee doo ...

lah dee dah ...

I called him after the last chapter was posted tonight and left him a message saying that I hope the honesty of it didn't spook him.

He sent me a text back saying that he was "very flattered" that I showed him a lot of respect in my writing, but he still can't see me right now, but will always love me.

He's in a new relationship, I get it ... and I don't even know if I want anything - I'm just HONEST TO GOD shocked he even responded ... at all. Sure we've been on and off for 7 years, but as you guys have read in the posts, those were some epic epic epic years.

I don't have a lot of people I am close to in my life, which is what makes me really fucking good at what I do - I write all the shit in my head out unfiltered and unprocessed. I don't like articulating things to people verbally; I get sick of hearing my own voice. I was SUCHHHH a complainer as a child.

I'm going through some super gnarly shit right now. I'm wrapping the first TV show I did in CT tomorrow, then I start to get knee deep in Personal Branding for Dummies ... I just got a call from this AH-MAZING brand management firm that I'll be meeting with this week ... I'm going to also be meeting with new writers for the pilot. I mean like super super SUPER fucking amazing shit. Totally humbling, totally incredible ... I can't BEGIN to tell you all how blessed I feel. I feel like doing what you love everyday is a blessing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Life's abundant nature will never cease to amaze me.

Now is the time in the past that I would pick up the phone and call Romeo. UGH! He's always been a rock for me. Even though we haven't talked in almost 2 years, he's one of the people that I knew was just there. No BS, no nada. He doesn't take my shit - and I don't take his. He calls me out for being a brat, and I tell him when he's not thinking big enough .... it usually ends up working well.

We can't even be friends now, man. That fucking sucks. Again, I honestly didn't even expect to fucking hear from him, but then I did ... and now I find out he can't even see me, which translates to he still has feelings is just fucked up, man. I've gone out on 103 dates in 9 months - when I say this guy is special ... he's very special. UGHHHHHH LIFE!!!!!! You are so cruel!!!!!!!!

Have you guys really listened to the lyrics to Sometime Around Midnight???

This song ... THIS SONG he played for me ...

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

You just have to see her, you know that she'll break you in two?!?! FUCCKKKK my lifeeee!!! I feel like Romeo is the root of my bad dating karma. He loved me. He loved me so much ... after 5 years ... what was I doing with the mentalist?? Why did I ever fucking date him? It's SOOO FRUSTRATING HAVING RE-LIVED THIS STORY AND WRITTEN IT ALL OUT!!!!!!!! He was there ... right there ... and I wasn't.

I am so mad at myself right now.

Not even about losing him as a lover, but just as a fucking friend man. This was my dude. My friend. My heart. We were always there for each other, and now we don't even have that anymore.

omg stop crying Jen.

I am being fucking ridiculous.

Actions have consequences, I just didn't expect the documentation of my life to make me so aware of them.

UGHHHHHHH!!!!! let it be a new day already. I can't do this.

Repeats: This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger. This too shall pass and it will only make you stronger.

#fml

PS. my apologies to the TNTML contributors. I read all of your posts and emails today, but I'll get 'em up in a bit. Can't shake brain when I'm in that uber creative space. Was super focused on writing today, but thanks for all the posts ... you guys ROOOCKKKKKKKK and I love love love you long time. xoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxo