#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 5

Jul 5

AHH!! I need to get this story out of me!! I'm still under a deadline, and this story is taking over my little life! HAHA dudes, I totally lost a contact today as collateral damage from crying over these series of posts. It's not even like tears of sadness or anything, it's just SUCH a beautiful story, and I loved this person so very much - still do! But fucckk, to release it all so publicly is still a lot. I wonder if this is freaking him out reading my side of things. I've sent him all the posts. I hope I'm telling it as accurately as possible ... but I can only imagine what it's like to not end things very well, go away for a year come back and have this entirely new life. Either way, super grateful for you all reading and now onto the final chapter.

To get caught up here's part 1 ... part 2 ... part 3 ... and part 4 ...

Oh, and here's the song ...

The SECOND I heard his mom died nothing ... and I mean NOTHING was going to stop me from seeing him. I honestly can't remember the timeline at that point. I'm certain he had already gone to the funeral and everything, so I think he waited a bit to tell me ... not sure, that's his story not mine.

It was an interesting time for me. It was almost a year since I had ended things with Noah, lost everything that I owned in a massive cockroach infestation, and managed to literally create an entirely new life for myself. Romantically speaking I was single, however I was being nagged by My Fake Internet Boyfriend. That was well, interesting.

I didn't care what it was going to take, or what I was going to have to do ... I needed to see him. We couldn't have this conversation over the phone, I had to go to San Fran.

I book the flight, and three days later I am sitting on the plane with SOOO much anxiety!!! No dudes, I'm talking like anxious anxious. This was my first love! I hadn't seen him in the flesh in just about 2 years. Was he going to be different? Were we romantically going to feel a spark? Am I even thinking about that right now? Dude, Jen, his mom died - quit it!

I put on my producer hat and filtered out the noise, all the bs, and cut to the heart of it; my first love needed me. Boom - I was there.

I had never been to San Fran before, it is a BEAAAAAUUUTTIIIFFUUULLLLLLLL city!!! The second I saw him, my heart sank - he looked incredible. Same face, same smile, same Romeo. We embraced. I held him so tight not knowing what to say. I'm sorry didn't seem like enough, yet, good to see you felt inappropriate as well.

Hi, I said.

Hi, he said.

Welcome to my city.

Thank you for having me, I said with a smile.

We spent the entire weekend touring San Francisco. He took me to all of his favorite local spots, introduced me to his friends, even took me wine tasting in Sonoma. It wasn't until the second day that we started talking about his mom while we were sitting at Ghiradelli's Square.

The sadness in Romeo's eyes killed me as he spoke about his mother. He's never shown me that side of him. I wanted to hug him, tell him it was going to be okay, but I didn't know. My parents are still alive, I couldn't empathize. I just let him speak, and held his hand as we looked out at the water.

He was different now. He was so so so so so different.

Albeit, his spirit was obviously grieving, but for the first time in my life I could see how much I meant to Romeo. I went from being this chick he met in a random and intense way to a fuck buddy, to a good friend, to now ... I wasn't so sure.

I knew in that moment he loved me, and I wasn't sure how to process it. Fortunately, at that time, he didn't say anything.

Why did I go up to San Fran unless I still loved him? I wondered. How could I not still love him though? He was my first love, that doesn't go away- it just evolves. I loved Romeo ... I loved him very much, but after all I had gone through, I wasn't sure if I was still IN love with him.

The trip went by super fast, as is the case with anytime you are enjoying yourself, and before you knew it, I was back in LA.

It never really occurred to me that there was any chance for Romeo and I to work out since geographically he was so far away, so I never really thought about it at that point. I was just super grateful he was in my life in whatever capacity I could have him in, and I was grateful we got to spend that weekend together - the rest, I would have to figure out later.

2008 was a bat shit year for me. I felt a MASSIVE change coming on, and I wasn't sure where it was headed. I was working for LiveVideo, and still hustling at this little kosher restaurant in Beverly Hills to get some money since our LV checks may or may not have arrived on time. I signed with a new modeling agent, and also wound up getting booked for Deal or No Deal, and another game show pilot for NBC.

<tangent> My parentals have that DVD somewhere, I'll totes put that and my Price is Right gig on YouTube. I was on the show for 5 episodes of the syndicated weekly version - #16. Aired October 2008. </tangent>

After Deal or No Deal the new agency made me chop off my hair and go back to my "natural" color of dark brown. It took 7 hours to get all the black out, but I was still pretty meh on the entire thing. I dunno, when you model it's pretty much a time where you shut up and smile. If my agent was telling me the black was too much, I had to do it, or I had to find a new agent. Annoying as it was, I still listened. I totally stopped feeling like myself.

Modeling came really easily to me. I was a bit of a late bloomer in life, but I dunno - I'm a very expressive individual. Smiling with the eyes when you have such big blue ones came pretty naturally to me; I loved it.

A few months went by, and then the recession hit. It was crazy living in LA at that time, there were SOOOOOOO many "for lease" and "for rent" signs up all over the city. DUDES! To see "For Lease" on Rodeo drive was a super gnarly thing. This city got weird for a hot minute, and everyone started to leave.

I started to question my own life at that point. Yeah, I loved LiveVideo, but I was trying to sustain some sort of life out in LA, and the checks were too intermittent. I needed to figure my shit out, I couldn't be a server forever.

I weighed my options, and even at that point considered teaching English in Barcelona, but decided instead to submit to some commercial agencies on the east coast to see if I could get work as a model, and give it some sort of a go. I was definitely good at it, and having Deal or No Deal on your resume will get you an interview with anyone.

One of the first agencies I approached got right back to me, and within the first week they were asking me to come out to Florida to audition for the Home Shopping Network (HSN) for a hosting gig.

RAADD!!! I thought! I needed a change. I didn't have anything going for me in LA during that time. The city was going through SUCH a tumultuous period (the entire country really), I wasn't in a relationship, I had lost all of my stuff the year prior - might as well just see where the wind takes me.

A couple weeks later, my brother flew out and just before Christmas we packed up all of my LA belongings, put most of them in storage, and grabbed just what I needed to go to Florida for a few months.

I was NOT looking forward to this adventure. Yes, I loved modeling, but I was really bummed that the economy took such a beating - particularly in LA. The whole vibe of the city changed, and I'm super sensitive to energy levels, so being around the doom and gloom was not my scene.

I got to Florida and immediately started booking. Dudes, I was a GOOOOOODDD model!

I'm still the Abstinence Girl on Snorg's website ...being the daughter of a Hoar this means the world to me (mother's maiden name)

Modeling was easy, but it bored me. All during 2009 my heart longed to get back to LA, but I saw no path.

I then started studying search engine optimization, and would go from shoot to shoot to sitting in my room behind the computer for hours at a time. Dudes, I remember in March that year literally watching first hand Myspace take it's massive dive. It was INNSSAANNNEEEEEE!!!! I was writing for the Examiner at the time too, so I kinda got to blog and what not, but meh. My column was called "how to make it in LA" - I failed to notify the editor of my change of address. My b!

I just wasn't happy during that time. No other butts about it. I really really really dug modeling, but hated the location. This was the market to be in for commercial modeling, but it just did nothing for me. I was in a massive funk. Cue the mentalist. In April of that year the mentalist and I began talking (we all know how that ended).

Romeo and I were talking during that time, but it was as friends. We'd talk on the phone here ... or talk on the phone there ... again, he was in San Fran, and I was now on the other side of the country.

<tangent> It was RIDICULOUSLY creepy though ... the place I was staying in Florida was exactly 1 mile away from his sister. TOTALLY a coincidence, and TOTALLY creepy. Dudes, they don't even have the same last name, hahaha no way I would have planned that one! </tangent>

As you all know, I fell for the mentalist hard ... and fast ... as is my norm.

A few months later I get a call from Romeo - I'm moving back to LA!!!!

Amazing, I thought. I'm planning on heading back myself actually (I failed to tell him the reason why).

I don't remember if it was that exact conversation, or one shortly there after - but I could tell he was trying to see if I would move in with him. It was the way he was wording things. He wasn't coming out and saying it directly, but I felt it ... and I felt it in my SOUL!!!!

OOOOOOHHHHH fuck me in the fuckerdy fuck fuck ... not now. Please not now, Romeo. I just met this dude, and I know we bonded and all - but I can't do this. I just ... can't.

I kept my calls to Romeo at that time at a minimum. I knew after my trip to San Fran that he loved me, and I was totally falling head over heels for the mentalist, and I was just ... confused.

<tangent> Crazy how all these stories intertwine. I think my entire life is officially now online. Read more about Romeo in the mentalist saga over here!! mwahahahahahaha </tangent>

I couldn't just leave Romeo hanging though - shortly after I moved back to LA, I did tell him why I was there.

Dudes, one of THEEEE most difficult conversations ever. ever. ever. ever.

Can you imagine your first love finally realizing he loves you almost 5 years later?!?!?! Like seriously?!?! Our love spanned two states and two metropolitan areas!!!!

I emotionally was not ready to deal with any of this. I don't remember what Romeo said to me during that time, but I'm sure he was kind and wanting me to be happy, otherwise I would have remembered it.

I moved on. I couldn't help it - it had been FIVE YEARS!!!!!! I had my closure with the San Fran trip, and even if he was moving back to LA now, what was I supposed to do? We never officially even dated!! It was such a confusing time for me ... but again, I just drowned myself in the mentalist.

Flash forward 5 months later and I find out that the duderino was not only seeing me, but potentially hundreds of other women across the country (read more about that here). Romeo was one of the first people I called.

I wasn't sure what was happening, I wasn't sure what I was going to do now that every day that was passing I was finding out more and more about what he actually did ... I just wanted a familiar face - I wanted my Romeo.

That night we met up and he took me out to Cinespace, a club here in Hollywood. We were waiting upstairs for some of his friends and he took out his iPhone, grabbed my headphones from my iPod touch and played me this song.

Jen, every time I hear this song I think of you ...

I wasn't sure how to handle what he was telling me. I was still living at the mentalist's apartment for fuck's sake. This was LITERALLY like 48 hours after I found everything out.

I told him we had just broken up, but I couldn't get the words out as to what happened.

We then danced, and I saw a screening of a film he had done the coloring on - it was actually pretty effing good ... but my brain was just fried.

My heart was in a million pieces, and I didn't want to tell Romeo what had happened necessarily, but I just wanted a friend. He, however, wanted a lover.

That night I left early and kissed him on the cheek. I wasn't ready for anything like that - but a few weeks later, after I moved out of the mentalist's place I rang up Romeo and asked what he was doing!

Him: Wanna meet up and go to Jones?

Me: Absofuckinglutely!

The entire night I sat around and talked to him and his friends. It was weird even getting to meet them. Remember, I started off as someone he was dating, then got bumped to a fuck buddy, then a friend, then a good friend, back to a lover, back to a good friend, now what were we? This was like the craziest love journey EVER!!!!! It was amazing to know that I was "in" whatever that "in" was with Romeo. I had clearly passed all of his tests, and he was ready to make a go of it all.

I remember that night going home with him, and my body just ached. Yes, I loved making love to Romeo, but this time for me - it was just sex. That broke my HEART!!!!! Dude, the way this guy looked at me, and in the morning he even gave me his special orange juice mug. WHHHYYY OHHH WHHYYYYYYYY couldn't this have been 5 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went home and cried. Timing is EVERYTHING IN LIFE!!!!!!!! Had I not met the mentalist, I GUARANTEE YOU I would have moved in with Romeo as his timing to want to head back to LA was DIRECTLY in line with me wanting to head back to LA.

But of course, had that happened, I might not have this platform to even be typing this on as you all know it was the energy from that relationship that launched this entire brand.

I didn't speak to Romeo for a few weeks after the night at Jones. I knew I was going to break his heart, and I wasn't okay with doing that to someone that I loved.

A few weeks later however was Thanksgiving. I at the time was barely speaking to my family, had no close friends, the site was barely a few weeks old ... I was just in a state of ... blah.

He invites me over.

I would love to see you.

We sit down at his little candle lit dinner table, and he professes his love for me. Well, not quite - but in the Romeo kinda way of, sooooooo I kinda wanna make a go of this. I told him I had SO much on my plate. I wasn't speaking to my family ...he stopped me.

Wait, you're not speaking to your family? But you guys are super close.

Yeah, but I started this site, and some other things went on with my grandmother ... it's too much for me right now. I just need to breathe.

Jen, I would KILL to have another minute back with my mom.

I was immediately taken back to Ghiradelli Square, and was immediately inundated with sadness.

I know, but this is different.

No, it's not. You have to talk to them.

We embrace.

I feel so alone, I whisper in his ear.

But you don't have to be.

He starts kissing me, and we move back into his bedroom where we make love.

It was SOOOOOOOOOO beautiful. Like omg, epic. epic. epic. love making. Holy crapsicles! Lifetime, you ain't got nothin on this!!!!

I remember he had U2 playing from Pandora on his iPhone, and I slowly slipped away into a state of bliss.

Once we were done, I fell asleep in his arms.

If for only for this moment this is all I get from life, I am content. On this night, he made my heart stop hurting.

I woke up a few hours later, and his face was inches away from mine. He's so handsome, and he looks so happy, even sleeping!!

I had never seen Romeo like this. Our lives seemed to always intersect when he was going through something ... this time it was my turn, and I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with that.

That morning he took me out to breakfast, and I sat across the table from him in awe. He finally got it together, he was ready for me ... my first love ... our storybook beginning, and middle ... and now I am going to fuck up the end? I held back tears at the breakfast table as I thought to myself how I ruined everything. Why did I have to fall for the mentalist? Why did that have to happen? What life experience did I really gain from it? I'm so ashamed, I'm so broken ... I'm no good for anyone.

We get up from the booth, did you enjoy yourself?

Yeah, I say with sadness.

He held my hand the entire way back in the car, and by the time we had reached my own car, I was ready to just throw in the towel to my life. I couldn't take this anymore. What the FUCK are the odds?!?!? Why now?!?! Why NOW!!!!!!!

He kissed me as I got in my car, and I never returned a single call from him again. I couldn't do it. Love can't grow out there all by itself, and I CERTAINLY wasn't going to do to him what the mentalist did to me. Love can never be one sided - it needs to instead be celebrated.

This was the end of 2009, I haven't spoken to Romeo until I sent this Facebook message on Sunday:

12 hours later, while I was writing out these series of posts, I got a response.

I got exactly 2 lines of reading it out loud to my roommate before I broke down crying.

This is one of the most personal, and most beautiful things anyone has ever written to me ...

This is why I've been sobbing pretty much uncontrollably for the last 2 days, and why I even friggen lost a contact lense this morning.

One person has managed to write me two of the most beautiful messages ever. (Still REALLY wish I found that note from Super Cuts, btw!)

I don't know what is meant to be with Romeo being in my life. I'd like to have him as a friend, but I'm not sure how cool he is with that as I haven't even heard anything back from him regarding these series of posts. I am SUCH a different person now, I wouldn't even know where to begin in telling him what I've done in launching this site, and the spiritual journey it took me on ... the best part about all of this though is that I don't care. Love grew in my heart. I am so so so so soooo proud of myself for that. It's a big deal for someone like me! Had it not been for Romeo in breaking through all of my walls, I doubt I would be the person that I am today. He made me one tough cookie! I never gave up! And I never compromised!!

It has been 7 years since our first chance meeting at Super Cuts. Even just in reading his response I know Romeo has changed even more into a happier and more content person, and that couldn't make me happier. And frankly, he is in his 30s now, so if he is telling me he is in a serious relationship the chances he's gonna marry this chica is pretty high.

I'm sad to think that that won't be me one day, but that's the thing about love - it's unconditional. If he's happy, then I'm happy, I can go to my grave at least knowing that this has been one EPIC love story.

Back to my single status self!! Let's go! Time to Effing #GetItOn!!!