#Question: WTF is wrong with me? I just messaged my first love on Facebook - PT. 2
It's crazy when I write these stories out ... first off, I don't consider myself a writer, like at all. I live online, so this is how I communicate. Either way, it's kinda rad, I just re-live the stories and write down as many details as I can find in my experience. OMMMMGGGGG yesterday I spent ALLLLLLLL day in love. It was INTENSE!!!! For REALS! Totally stayed with me ... and now I'm totally ready for part two.
Here's part 1, btw. This is the story of my first love. Our meeting was something that for sure only happened in movies ... but where it goes from here ... gets juicy!
Romeo ... Romeo ... wherefore art thou Romeo?
Oh, here's the song ... Mr. Big! Mr. Big! Mr. Big!
So those first three dates happened rather quickly - over the course of about 2 weeks. It was intense to say the least. Dudes, this guy was SOOOO smart!!! I remember being so UNBELIEVABLY impressed when I found out he made it through A Clockwork Orange. SERIOUSLY?!?! Have you guys tried to read that?? I know obvs it has it's own language and what not, but that is like my holy grail. Straight up, my undiagnosed ADD kept me from reading a single book in school, haha yay forums and cliff notes - but I revered A Clockwork Orange as this mission that one day ... somehow ... I could not only sit through it, but understand it, and be able to have an intelligent conversation about it. The fact that he read my holy grail just warmed my esophagus and tickled my tibula.
Those first two weeks were pretty rad. He was confident in himself, where he was going with his career - and he seemed pretty happy go lucky ... it was refreshing.
There are no words to truly describe how ON. MY. ASS. IN. LOVE. this guy made me feel. A single kiss ... and I almost fainted. I was 19 at the time, and a total relationship n00b. Although yes, I had sex a few times, but those were just my guy friends and it was more for exploratory purposes ... this was different. This was the first time in my life I had ever felt chemistry with someone. Huge. Huge. Huge. deal for a chick.
Then, one Thursday night, I get a text:
I got fired.
Three words. Three little words with one BIG impact.
::typing:: u ok? want me to come over? ::sent::
::beep:: yah
I drive over to his place which only took about 5 minutes. Yay for being GD! (Geographically desirable)
He clicks open his garage gate. I pull through.
I look over to the left and see him standing there somber ... sullen.
I get out of the car, and hug him.
He squeezes me - tight.
He exhales as he says, let's go inside.
I stare into his sad puppy dog eyes and my heart breaks.
Never having been fired, and not knowing what to say, I offer the only words I can think of - I'm so sorry.
Me too, he replied.
We walk upstairs from the garage and into his apartment.
Wanna watch a movie?
Sure.
We sat down on the couch and he told me as best as he could what happened. If memory serves me correct it was inner office bullshit politics mixed with budget cuts. It was weird though, LA is SUCHHHHH a small world that he worked for a studio, and I worked in movie marketing- I knew his boss. This person called the office all the time to speak to our VP. Kinda funny how those things worked out. I never liked 'em - they were always super curt to me. (Be nice to assistants and receptionists kiddies!!!! The big wigs always asked me who I liked the most and who was mean. mwahahahahaha!! Karma!)
We sat and talked all night about what he was going to do next. He had been writing this script that he said he finally wanted to focus on. Maybe work on a film he had in his back pocket ... he wasn't entirely sure, but he knew this wasn't the end of him being in LA. An obstacle, yes - the end, no.
I stayed for a few more hours that night. I don't remember what movie we watched, nor do I remember if we boned that night at all ... I just sat there and listened to him. I wasn't sure what to say, or how to comfort, so I just shut up and observed.
You better go, he said.
You sure you're going to be okay? I don't mind spending the night.
No, it's alrite. I need some time to think things over.
We walked back down to the garage, and he opened the gate for me to pull through. I waved goodbye and blew a kiss.
The next day while sitting at work I sent him a text.
::typing:: just checking in. U 0k? ::sent::
No reply back.
Thought that was kinda weird, but whatevs - he's going through a lot ... space can be provided.
A few more days go by. Nothing.
The following week I decide to call him - it goes to voicemail.
Hey, it's Jen. Just making sure you're okay. Haven't heard from you in a bit, wanted to just say that I was thinking of you. Call me if you have a chance. Bye.
A few more days go by ... then I get a call.
Him: Hey.
Me: Hey!
Him: How are you?
Me: I'm alrite. More importantly how are YOU?
Him: I'm okay. Wanna come over?
Me: Absolutely. Be there in a few.
I grabbed some non-smelly clothing from the floor and drove over to his place. He clicks me into the garage, I pull inside.
I get out of my car, and he starts kissing me - passionately.
I wrap my arms around him ... let's go inside, he whispers in my ear.
We barely make it up to his room before all of our clothes are off.
*Insert some Wham. Bam. Thank you ma'am and about 20 minutes later.*
I start asking how he is feeling while we are laying in bed, he turns to me and says, you better get back. I have to start looking for a job in the morning.
Uh, okay, I think to myself as I get up and start to gather my clothing.
We're not gonna talk? Like at all? Just sex? Really? I think.
Bye, he says as I get in my car and he clicks me out of the gate.
I drive home in a state of confusion. Why is he being like this? I know losing a job to a dude is a pretty big deal, but I thought he would be different. He's 25! Come on!
I walk inside the apartment and like always, was greeted by one of the roomies.
<tangent> When I first moved to LA I found a place on Craigslist in Palms (a section of Culver City) and not only shared a room but had 3 roomies who all had live in significant others. Needless to say, it was a very. very. very. tight fit - but not bad for $400 a month! </tangent>
How'd it go? She said
I don't know I say not wanting to talk, as I snuck inside my bedroom. My actual bedroom-mate was sleeping, so I just put the covers up over my head and fell asleep.
A couple of days go by before I hear from him again. Then I get a text:
I like u Jen. I really do. But I cant handle a relationship right now. If u want 2 have some fun, I'm game, otherwise - I'm sry.
I stare down at the text not wanting to accept its existence. But, we had chemistry, I thought! That doesn't happen everyday. This is JUST like they say in the movies ... it has to be true love. It has to be! I'm unwilling to believe that it can't be!
I text back ...
::typing:: wut do u mean? ::sent::
::beep:: I cant do this. i cant be ur boyfriend. we can hook up, but that has to be it.
My heart sank. I had been so used to hooking up with my guy friends in the past, but this was the first guy that I liked ... that I really really really liked -this was so different than before, this was the FIRST time in my life I actually wanted a relationship, and I was being shot down.
<tangent> Huge. Huge. Huge. Deal for me to like a boy. I mean HUUUGGEEE!!! I never dated guys in school as I was so focused on working hard so I could graduate early. Literally, my entire academic career - not a single boyfriend. I never went to college, so I never had that experience. I went straight from high school to a year spent working, to a year in NYC. That was it. And I was so young and so focused on my studies in NYC that I very honestly didn't have time to date, nor was I of age to even drink. I worked so so so so hard. This was the first time I was not only geographically present and not looking forward to a move anytime soon, but this was the first guy I actually WANTED To get close to. BIG deal. HUGE HUGE HUGE! </tangent>
A single tear streamed down my face ... followed by its twin, and triplet.
I text him back:
::tying:: I cant do that. I like you Romeo. I really really really fucking like you. ::sent::
::beep:: sry
I. was. DEVASTATTTEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
Wait, hold on, that's not dramatic enough - we need to add a few more Ds ...
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
So much better.
UUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I cried for days. And days. And days. I had told the world about Romeo, so of course everyone popped by for an update. Friends, roommates, co-workers ... I told them all.
Well, it was going great, and then he lost his job, and I dunno - couldn't take it all?
I was doing anything to protect my ego. I knew this guy liked me, you couldn't fake what we had. Chemistry is tangible and undeniable.
I didn't have a blog at that time, but I did have my journals. I grabbed a pair of headphones and started writing down my thoughts.
This black journal is the story of Romeo. Tear stained pages and all.
It wasn't his fault obviously. He didn't know he was going to lose his job, but to me, someone who never opened up to a single guy ... ever ... it was a huge, and devastating loss. This was the first time my heart had felt love, and the first time my heart had been broken. I didn't just want a fuck buddy, over the years I had those - I was ready for love, and I thought he was it.
I lost myself in my writing, and deleted his number from my phone.
::pen to paper:: I'll never love again.
Alrite nerdlings. Part 3 coming in a bit. Like any movie beginning, there is a movie middle. We find each other again ... in a very dramatic fashion. BUT I gotta edit this project I'm STILL working on. Due tomorrow. FMMMLLLLLLL!!!! I hate deadlines when you have ADD. Coffee just isn't enough. Back I go! Thanks so so much for reading and commenting everyone. Sorry the comments on the actual site are turned off right now, I'm also in the process of adding the Facebook social plug-in and encountered some problems. I'll fix it today or tomorrow, so sit tight!!! Peace love and lollipops!! xoxoxo
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#nerdsunite
