Destination Home Page: Who's Got the #Beef?
Alrite, I'm staying in tonight so I can go to a morning pilates class ... I figured I might as well get some writing in and get these thoughts out of my noggin.
... and here's the song to go with ...
So, I'm headed back to Connecticut this week to film a new TV show. SUPPERRRR STOKED!!!!!!! For an entire week I just get to have adventures. How RAD is that!!! Flight, hotel, car - everything is set. Dudes, I can't believe I'm going to have a car for the week!! AHH!!! So so so excited. Either way, all this talk about Connecticut has brought up some super gnarly family beef (not chicken).
First off, I've touched on this before in this post I wrote to my grandparents, but I grew up almost entirely estranged from both sides of my family. (Hence too why I also had such a breakdown when my friends started stalking me. I very literally could not understand why so many people in this world just did not like me.) On my dad's side, as I'm sure you all read - they were just cruel. I spent SOO many years in therapy with what the people my dad grew up with did to me. Fucking assholes.
On the flip side of things however, my mom's side wasn't exactly peachy either. My mom has two sisters, and they both have pretty hardcore addictions. To specify exactly what they are is their dirty laundry, not mine - but either way growing up, I just didn't like my mom's sisters - they weren't nice. At all. Even my grandparents on my mom's side - yes I loved them, but I didn't always like them. My grandfather was a recovering alcoholic who was a TOTAL racist. My grandmother had moments where she was just ... mean. And I mean, mean mean mean. I remember once when I was 13 contemplating jumping out of the car, and trying to figure out if I could survive the fall. I figured if I was at least in some sort of coma or something, maybe my parents would come home. I kid you not, my journals at that time were pretty gnarly. I loved them, and yes, they were very good to me at times - but if I had not been born into that family there was certainly no way I would have associated with them. At all.
But back to my mom's sisters ... the older one I never really talked to. They lived in Texas when I was growing up, and I dunno - the woman is a trainwreck. Like total total trainwreck. One Christmas she stole my grandfather's medicine and took LITERALLY his entire bottle of valium in one sitting. Dude, she didn't even die - that was like a normal dose. BAT SHIT!!
Her middle sister married this dude that had evil in his blood and is just a genuinely genuinely not nice person. Totally gives me the heeby jeebs. We saw them a lot growing up, she's saucy, and bold - but a fucking bitch. She consistently backstabbed my mom, and just did super mean things. I stopped talking to her when I was about 13.
Now, because of her addictions, she's in the hospital and not doing very well. My mom asked me today if I could go and see her when I am in Connecticut, and I just genuinely do not want to. I asked my mom to respect my boundary and respect the fact that she and I do not have a relationship ... at all. I try to talk to her, I have made many many many attempts in the past but she's just so out of it 90% of the time, that I've stopped caring.
We create our own reality. This is the life she choose. Why do I have to be a part of it? What, because she's family? Bullshit.
My mom is a total peacemaker, she's rad, and that's what makes me love her. She will ALWAYS try to put things back together (as children of alcoholics tend to do), but there are just some things in life that just need to be. I am not a people pleaser, and I am not a sacrificial lamb. These people made me cry soooooo much as a kid - it totally fucked me in the head, to hell if I am going to spend any of my time or energy with them. Seriously, even writing this post out angers me. I really wish I didn't come from such a dysfunctional family, but I did, and I am going to have to own that.
Dude, my mom's older sister called the cops on my dad at my grandfather's funeral. The Friels TRULY know how to put the fun in funeral.
The stories that I have are literally endless, and completely outrageous. Everything was just ... heightened for me growing up. My parents are mildly normal, but the people they both grew up with were just ... out there. I guess that's where my creativity comes from, but good lord, it's also where all of my drama came from as a youngin.
I can't stand it. I don't even want to be involved in this situation. I'm sick of fighting with my mom over it - I'm just done. Life is too short, and there are too many blessings to be enjoyed. If my aunt doesn't understand the beauty of life at this point in her life - she never will, and I certainly cannot teach her.
People like this are so fucking toxic. They are energy eaters. And it angers me even being ASKED to associate with them. This is your bed - you created it, enjoy. If that sounds cold, I honestly don't care. People don't change. Well, I take that back, people can change, but only when they are willing to admit there is a problem in the first place. My aunt is COMPLETELY oblivious that she has a problem, and completely unwilling to make a change about it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just wanna SCREAAMMMM!!! This shit makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! No wonder why I was such a loaner as a kid, I genuinely didn't like my parent's families.
I love you, but I really don't like you. Fuckidy fuck fuck fuck. Fuck it, and fuck you.
Thank you for letting me share.