They're Talking Nerdy Baby: #NerdsUnite

Oh my oh my oh my ... you poor nerdy folk ... so many friggen broken hearts!!!! Wow! After posting my epic tale about the mentalist, so so so many of you opened up to me with your own story. Ah-mazing!

It took me a while to read all of them, but here were some that I had permission to post that I wanted to share in the hopes that some healing can occur for them too ... (again, everytime you share your story it dilutes it. Take that power back, nerds!!! whomp whomp!)

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

So, being a girl who always had a boyfriend around, I was caught off guard one night. I was hit by what felt like a train, one hell of a beautiful train, and it changed everything. I knew right then and there that my life would be entering a whole new ball game. For the most part it has been interesting, but extremely stressful. But now I know i'm one who can fall in love with a person for who they are, and not what they are (guys/girls). The following letters is what helped save the little bit that was left of my heart...

Letter #1:

11:11, Has almost become a daily ritual, ive seen no signs of it working yet...

2/23/09... On this day, what was once my heart, or what was left of one, was consumed instantly with one smile. The devil with an angels face? Possibly.

Mardi Gras, one of my favorite times of the year. Headed to Cajun Field on a normal night, thought we'd go have some fun. We were hanging out there about an hour, chatting with people, then I decided to take a look to my left. I saw it instantly across the crowd. I could have dealt with that night, just seeing it, going home happy, knowing I saw one of the best smiles I have ever seen. And easily moved on with my life. But would life be that easy on me? Nope. Not 5 minutes later, after being instantly smitten, I was introduced to the stranger with the smile. Ever seen beauty in a smile that shattered your heart? That was it. 

I didnt know you, but I felt sick.

Days passed, which turned into a month. Your smile constantly lingered in my mind. But what could I do? Nothing. I knew nothing about you but a name. Then one night im heading home from going out, when one of my best friends call telling me to go meet her and her friend for some drinks. Something told me to go. I turned around and headed there. I get side by side with yall on the road, and I see you learn forward to look at me. I never understood when people said "it was like their breath was knocked out of them". I fully understand now. I dont think my heart ever smiled so much heading home that night. And that's when it all really began.

We've hung out countless times after that. Each time I tried to not let it get to me, I knew I had no chance in the world. But one could only hope right? Of everyone ive probably met, your about the only one who doesnt know my true self. You come around and I get so nervous I shut down and I dont allow myself to shine. Ive been getting better at it. But lately the big happy heart that I once got everytime I was around you, has been filled with pain. And the one thing that can flip my whole day around lately is your smile. A smile. A natural high, something id like to see everyday, but can only hope that id maybe get to see once a week. That's all it took to totally screw my world up. A fucking smile.

So it brings me to now. Ive tripped, and I fell... Hard. It seems to consume my days, every thought I have. And with everything I experience, I want that care free soul next to me. Your the first one I want to call if I have good news. Your the one I want to talk to the most about why Im hurting so much and why my heart dissolves more and more each day. But I cant. Its literally wearing me down. What I need to do is just not talk to you or see you. But I cant. That would hurt me beyond words. Id rather just live with the pain and hope some day it starts to fade. 

Then there was the concert. I was almost tempted to just give you my ticket. I had a feeling as much as i was going to enjoy taking you to the most important concert of your life, it was going to be painful. I knew at some point you'd be talking to her, missing her. And I cant even begin to tell you how that felt. But I wanted to be there to see you light up and probably cry when they walked up on stage, which you did. I wanted to experience that with you. And it was worth every penny i spent on those tickets. Im glad you let me to do that for you. Thank you.

Im sure the contents of this letter didnt come as a surprise. I mean you had to have noticed, right? I just needed to get it down on paper and made sure it made it to your eyes. Im sorry if it will make things weird between us. I really hope it doesnt. But the way my luck goes, ill be kicking myself everyday for giving you this. But I had to. And im not looking for a response, I just needed to get this off my chest before I went insane.

Every time im out, I see your hair, your shoes, your retarded little dance moves, and even the tattoo you want. Ive created this prison that i am stuck in. I hate it. I see you everywhere, I sit there watching people and I just see pieces of you in others. But one thing is, i can see all those things about you in other people, but i will never see that smile in anyone.

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away. And all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak for my heart."


And here's letter #2:


It amazes me that its been over a year later… Where do I even begin?

I just noticed 20 minutes have passed and i've been staring at this piece of paper. Everything just started to flash back into my mind… The memories and emotions of all those happy times, along with the heartache. I have to say its been interesting. My heart has been through a lot more this past year than it has my whole life. Its made me strong but it has also broke me down so much it kind of scares me to ever want to feel that way again. I think it was best explained in a journal entry I wrote one night a few months ago…

"Say in a years time, you met the one thing that began your life, but also ended your life as well. Where do you go after that? What do you do once you decide to let go the one thing that made you feel more alive than anything ever has? Im still trying to figure that out. I've built the best walls I could around my emotions, trying to block out anything that would send them back into what I've been feeling since the beginning of the year. But the past few days i've noticed that it's slowly starting to crumble, and its scaring the shit out of me. I want to be over this, and I want this to be done. It starts to wear one down when all you do is give, give, give in hopes of getting a little back, and when it doesn't happen, you feel like the biggest failure on earth. I need to get rid of this feeling. I need to build a better wall apparently. 

The biggest disappointment to me is that I will never feel that way again. Either because I wont be able to, or cause I wont allow myself to, and im thinking its the first one. My heart was handed over the night I handed over the pages of that letter it spilt onto. And I never saw it again."

This letting go has been kind of an ongoing process since the end of last year. It has become a lot easier, but there's times that I seem to get sucked back in somehow. The second my mind starts to forget, my heart comes along pumping this feeling in my veins that seems to send me back into this vicious cycle. Even though its been pointless, for some reason Ive been fighting for it with all I have, even when the battle stays inside of me. Ive asked myself time and time again, How is it possible that my heart beats for her, and hers beats against me? It scares me to know the answer, so i've stopped asking. 

Ive put myself out there with my heart in my hands as it broke into pieces. And theres nothing left I can do to show you that I would never break yours. And in that time, ive unfortunately witnessed your heart break. I've had to sit there helplessly while you cried. I cant even describe that feeling. Cause your tears don't fall, they crash around me. And the times you've sat there numb and in a daze, had to be the loudest silence ive ever heard. Why in the world someone would hurt you, I could never understand. But I guess thats just me. There's times I wish she could see you through my eyes, but at the same time im glad she doesn't, because she would never have let you go in the first place. So now, all I can do is be there for you. If thats what makes you happy, then ill be happy for you. But know ill be there, if and when it happens again. And I hate that there's the possibility, because nothing should ever take that smile away.

You mean the world to me. You've made a huge impact on me in such a short time. I will always be thankful for knowing you, even though theres times i wish i never met you. I am a better person for having you in my life. Even though its going to kill me, I have to get my heart back. There's times lately it takes everything I have not to kiss you, and there's times it takes everything I have not to cry when Im with you. Ive missed you so much it hurt. You had my complete heart, but now it seems to be lost in transition back to who I used to be. Where ever we go in life, I will always be there for you. You will always have a place in my
heart, and nothing will ever change that. I just hope where ever your road leads, you take a piece of me with you. Who ever gets the chance to make your heart smile as much as you've made mine, will be one lucky person. In a way, I hope I have somehow.

The memory is slowly fading, but remains enough to hurt. But its time to soldier on. I guess I will end this chapter in my life by saying the one thing I never got to tell you… I love you.

Exhibit C:

Well i guess I will start this with a little bit about me I grew up in a small town in Florida about an hour or so out of Tampa and my parents being fairly strict Catholics. The town I grew up in didn't have much to do - the furthest mall and movie theater were about 35 minutes away.

I was good kid got descent grades stayed out of trouble for the most part(my mom worked for the school my junior and senior year so if I got in trouble in school my mom would definitely know about it lol). I had a descent amount of friends but unfortunately this was before everyone had email a cellphone, and I think Mark Zuckerberg was in elementary school when I graduated high school ('97) so the only way to get a hold of someone and keep in touch was regular old telephone or a simple letter, ah yes kids there actually was a time when you used stamps heehee.

After high school everyone I was friends with went their separate ways I ended up going to a small school in Miami, which was a complete 180 from where I had grown up it was awesome but unfortunately the fun didn't last long and was only there for a few semesters. A little while later I went to a tech school close to Orlando, FL and that is where the story of me and my ex girlfriend begins. It was 2002 and everything was changing I was on my own for the first time after graduating school I was broke as most college grads are nowadays but was able to sustain a descent apartment close to work which was basically a telemarketing job for the school I just graduated from. Being broke and fairly new to the area I was pretty much secluded to my one bedroom apartment, the only people I knew that were close were my older brother and his wife at the time and a next door neighbor from where I grew  up who ended up being my roommate until he moved in with the girl he was seeing.  Being alone is something I have come accustomed to during my 32 years on this planet im a big guy have glasses and yes I am a nerd :P, and honestly until my ex I really didnt have much of a sex life in fact it was non existent (big shock coming from someone who was dragged to church every Sunday).  

So I met her online on Yahoo Messenger in one of the chat rooms which at the time was my only real way of meeting people I didnt really think much of who it was when I agreed to be on their Friends list but I didnt really care I figured we would just talk about music, movies and other stupid shit and that would be it, BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

It was late im not sure what time it was when I saw the smiley face next to her screen name turn yellow and I heard the default door knock which meant someone had just signed on. I had not seen her since our initial chat I think I remember that it was a while between meetings but I ended up just saying hello and we got to know one another she told me she lived in New Jersey in a small town outside of Philadelphia and that she was 19 and graduated high school, which I thought was a little strange at first since most people who graduate high school I thought were 17 or 18 but ended up admitting to me that it was a special school for troubled kids not something really that I could relate to all that much but something about her intrigued me so I talked to her a little more and she told me she would be giving a speech at the graduation and she was nervous because she didnt like her voice I wanted to reassure her that it was fine so I asked her to call me and I gave her my phone number I figured that it wouldnt do much harm to just talk to her for a little while, we ended up talking most of the night it was really cool :)  

The next day she was pretty much the only thing I could think about I never really met anyone like her before we exchanged IM's and phone calls for a few days , I was falling in love with her even though I had never really been in love before I knew what we had was something very strong even though we had never met in person when you feel it you know.  I told myself fuck it and decided that I would tell her how I felt and she really didnt give me the answer I was looking for she told me she had love for me but didnt feel the way I did, I felt a little defeated kinda like Charlie Brown getting the ball pulled away from him at the last second, but determined to keep trying.She did eventually admit that she was in fact in love with me it felt pretty awesome to hear back from someone else, that night we watched Shrek over the phone together it was as she liked to put it All Romantical.  

This is the part of the story when things shift to being serious, she called one night like normal she sounded a little down and in fact admitted that she felt depressed and asked me that if she were to tell me something to promise her not to think she was crazy. She told me that when she was a child a family member, an older sibling had begun to sexually and mentally abuse her, for a few years this happened and her family did nothing she was a wreck on the phone, one of the ways she would cope was by cutting herself which she admitted to doing already a few times before she called that night, I pleaded her to stop, I burst into tears telling her that I loved her and I didnt want her to hurt herself anymore she could honestly tell I was serious and told me she would stop, we cried together on the phone that night and it was clear that this was no longer just an over the phone hey how ya doin type of relationship, this was something that was real and needed to progress, even though we lived very far away.

Neither of us had a car I was the only one with a job and I barely scraped enough to get by each month with help from my parents, she although had gotten enough for a one way ticket to Orlando on a Grayhound she had never gotten along with her family and wanted to come live with me we tried to keep it secret but her parents eventually found out and wouldnt let her leave even though we were both adults she 19 me 23 at the time, looking back at it now they were probably more concerned that we kept it secret and that their daughter was going to live with basically someone she had never met in person I can understand the way they reacted. The ticket was still good so I used it and took the day long treck from Orlando to Philly it sucked ass but it was worth it and wouldnt trade that experience for anything the week we spent was amazing and we watched Shrek on the couch together it was cool.

The trip back was fucking terrible a teary goodbye another long bus ride, and getting my ticket stolen in Jacksonville were the highlights, I had to call my dad to loan me the money to get home, man that sucked.

And this is the part of the story where everything falls apart, that Thanksgiving she asked me if I would come back up so we could be together for my birthday I had not told my parents yet and they expected me to come home for the holidays and my birthday which pretty much falls on around the same time so its a big deal at home, and they werent to pleased with me taking time off from work to go see what they saw as a complete stranger. And my employers didnt like it much either since I called them I would not be coming in the days I was supposed to work that week because of "flight trouble", i would do it again I had an awesome time and the job sucked, you do stupid shit when youre young sue me :P  They let me go soon after that.

Anyway it was a week or so before Thanksgiving and the ticket that was supposed to be bought and paid for was still not there, I told her that I couldnt because my parents wanted me home during the holidays and we ended up getting in an argument about the whole thing, thats probably the point were things started going south between me and her she ended up cheating on me with her sister's husband, and this is not the one that abused her let me make it clear. I ended up letting it go and taking her back and we went on for a few more months after that I had to move back in to my parents house after losing my job, after Valentines day that year she told me she met someone else and that she didnt see me ever coming back, even though I was working double shifts on the weekends and trying to get my life on track so that we could be together.  The day after was terrible sky was gray and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach I think my dad asked me to get all the plants and move them inside because it was going to be freezing that night good way to get over your pain....Shit. :- \  

Not too long after that we started talking again guess she felt bad and I tried to see if we could work things out but she did not want to but we decided that we could still talk and be friends because according to her she did still care for me.  That is until not too long after maybe a month or and I was online and saw she was on and said hello she had a cam and I could see that she was upset about something so I asked what was up and asked me if we could talk I said yes and she called me She was crying and said that she missed me and honestly im not going to lie I missed her too even through all the bullshit I went through this woman I still needed her as much as she professed to need me so I fell for it again what a dope I was, honestly if the guy typing this out tonight was me that night I would have honestly told her to drop dead or at least go seek some sort of help she probably wouldnt go even if you asked nicely.  

The last few months of our relationship were like a shit storm of shitty shitness with a few good moments things were not going well as she constantly kept asking me when I was coming back to Jersey and I would always tell her that I had a job on the weekends that didnt leave me much time to do much but that if she wanted to I would get her a plane ticket to come to stay for at least a week in Florida and my parents were all for it also She always said no, the last month together she spent all of her time out drinking all night and eventually it led to drugs, she had told me she always liked doing coke and the way it made her feel I was always against it, except for pot ive never done any drugs so I really dont have much experience. I pleaded her to stop and she said she would try and that if she kept doing coke and other drugs it would be the end of us.

One of the last things we talked about was all about her doing meth, she told me she had been up for 3 days straight, at that point there was not much I could do. I tried to reach her one weekend at work, I would always tried to call her and check and see if she was ok we had made a deal if she would get clean I would come to Jersey but it never happened, I had tried to reach her all day and when I called someone would pick up and not answer and sometimes the phone just rang, when I got home that night i got online to see if she was there her user name popped up and I messaged her almost instantly letting her know that I had called her all day but it was not her who answered it was her new boyfriend.  I was thinking it was a joke but he assured me it wasnt he invited me to see the webcam and sure enough it was him, I had been suspicious of her for awhile now she had been acting weird and being very cryptic with me she even asked me one time if it were ok if she go to this convention with some friends and stay at a hotel, I said it was ok I figured I couldnt really stop her at this point she was going to do what she was going to do. My heart sank when I saw that cam and they were together being affectionate like I was nothing. I will never forget that moment, a part of me died that day, I know it sounds really lame but its true, I have had serious trust issues ever since then.

I didnt come into work the next day and when they called I told them I was not comming back I couldnt deal with it.  A few days after she came online and messaged me she never mentioned what happended at all she dodged everytime I asked about it that is the last time I spoke to her.  A few months after that I got a new job working weekends still but it was much better with better pay and have been working here ever since. A few months in I called her house to check to see how she was her mom answered and told me she was not home, she asked me if I was ok and lied and told her that I was even though I really wasnt I was a fucking mess I told her to tell her that I called after leaving work that night I found a voicemail on my cell it was the guy on the webcam he told me that my ex's mom told them I called and he asked, "Why to see how she is doing or get back with her, if you want to talk to her that is one thing but if you are trying to get back with her then that's another, if you call again I will come find you and cut your fucking head off" , this is honestly what was on the message I was speechless, I knew then and there that I couldnt go back that was it OVER. The drive home was miserable to say the least. After that I buried myself with my work sometimes its the only thing to get your mind away from something like that.  Its been a tough road back from that but I am hopeful there is a light at the end, I am back in school getting my degree in Criminal Justice, have a place almost on my own LOL i share with two others and a dog and two cats and there may be someone on the horizon, life is a rollercoaster and its been an interesting ride so far :)

Exhibit D:

A little background for me. Before i met my ex, i had not had a girlfriend in years. Its not that im gay or anything like that, just with the job i work, its hard to meet girls outside work. And honestly i dont chase women like other guys do, i never have, not even in high school. Again its not that i dont like chicks, far from that, its just that as my therapist and i have been talking about, i am so macho in the guy sense, that i just dont get how chicks work and or its so foreign to me that i cannot compute. Another thing to note is that i smoke pot. It one of the few vices I have. I dont womanize, i dont drink, dont do any other drugs or anything like that. With that being said i am a very very functional stoner. I exercise regularly, have a kick ass job that i have succeeded in despite not having any college education and should have been fired from numerous times from and try and not be a lazy ass fuck. Now onto the story.   

In late of 2009 a new girl started in our department, which was wierd in and of itself because we work with hardware in relation to compatibility for video games, and having gurls interested in this is rare to say the least. When she started i was the lead of the department, not to be confused with the manager, i just dealt with tasks and work flow, not personnel management. When she started, she had an attitude on her that was a lot like mine. Honest, blunt, to the point and no bull shit. That really appealed to me at the time because its rare in a woman for sure. Dealing with her was a lot like dealing with myself, and if there is anyone i know how to deal with, its me. So we hit it off pretty good. Joked around and had fun. We sat in cubicles so we would throw pennies at each other. I had a bunch of pennies on my desk and would make pictures of stuff, or people would write me messages with them. She liked playing video games, knew about DnD and cool comics about it and taught me about a lot of Zombie stories. The zombie thing to me was the kicker because from the time i was a kid i have had, like 1 out of every 5 dreams, are zombie apocalypse dreams.

We really start hitting it off at work and then i find out that she is engaged to another dude. No big deal we can be friends or what ever. Since we both played the WoW and were active on facebook we used to talk alot and she would complain about how her guy would always try and be with her and wouldnt leave her alone to play games or what ever. Now i am not like this at all, i am hands off and can go a couple days or a week with out seeing my partner and its not a big deal. its not that i dont care about them or want to see them, i just have great coping skills in that regard. I think being in the military helped in being able to compartmentalize things that i can not do anything about. So one night she comes on facebook and sends me a message and i can tell that she has been drinking. But she tells me that she likes me or something like that and we should hang out. Not being stupid I know what this means but i dont really want to be the other guy. So we set up a date she is going to be down near my house. Between the time she is supposed to come over and she does, she tells me that she is in the area to pick out some wedding stuff. Honestly this made me freak the fuck out and i flaked on her coming over. Just to re-type that because it is so weird, a dude flaked on some chick coming over to just have sex and no emotional attachment. Crazy i know.

So she gets butthurt about me flaking out so we set another date for her to come over. Now at this point i aint going to lie, i was just trying to be nice and see what happened. If she just wanted to be friends that would be cool with me. She was going to come over to my house and I told her that i usually smoke a little when i get home to try and relax. I think you said you had some experience with this so to put it in terms, i took like 4 hits i think. Just enough to get a head change but not an detriment. She did not say anything about this at the time, remember that for later. So we put on a movie that she brought over to show me. Im sure you know how this story goes. One thing led to another and we did not finish watching the movie. One thing to note here is that i really like it when the chick makes the first move. In this case she totality took the first move and i was super happy with that. Like fucking ecstatic. It had been a while since a chick showed interest in me and she was doing all the things i liked. Against my better judgement i was starting to really like this gurl.

I dont remember when exactly it happened but we started talking about being a couple at that point and she said she was going to call off the wedding with her guy, break up with him, move out (the had bought a house together) and start dating me. I remember on Nov 15th 2009 we started our official relationship because the previous night we were talking on facebook and i said something that upset her. She said she was going to go cry herself to sleep. Sometimes i can be honest and dont filter myself and this hurt her. Since i really did care for her, i went out and bought her a rose and asked her to meet me early before work. It was at that point i knew i loved her because i actually cared, in my life i dont think i have bought anyone flowers more than 5 times. They were going to sell their house and she did not know what she was going to do. We discussed options about how to be deal with this and then at the same time i got offered a promotion at work but i had to work nights instead of days, but i would be promoted to a Manager. At the time it had been 3+ years since they had promoted a someone to manager. So i jumped at the chance.

With the addition of the variable of the night position in the bag with the rest of the stuff we were trying to work out, we decided to get a new place that was close to work and live together. Mind you this was maybe one month after we had just started a relationship and 2 months maybe since she was going to be married. The first couple months were great. She would come home every day for lunch when i got up and i would come home for dinner every night. This for me had my needs fulfilled because we got all of friday night, sat and sunday during the day. After the first couple months, things got worse. She wanted me to contact her like 10 times a day and wanted the whole weekend to her so when i wanted to go bike riding with my friends on the weekend, she would be so sad or have me message her when i was 1/2 way done, which i thought was weird but didnt think much of it at the time.

During this time i introduced her to all my friends at work, i mean we worked at the same place and i had been there for 9 years, i knew a lot of people. I remember introducing one friend to her, that we are going to call Him, for the rest of the story. This friend i had know the whole time i had worked there since we both started as temporary employee's, so 9 years i had know him. We had worked very closely together in the past but he was in a different department so we didnt see each other all that much. So after introducing them i was talking about Him one day and the stupid stuff we would do, like we were engaged on facebook for a while, stupid stuff like that. One thing he likes to do is try and get people to do things that they say they wont. Now that i think back on this, i remember her eyes lighting up like she was excited or intrigued what ever.

Like i said before, this relationship to me was a fucking nightmare. She was almost never happy with the stuff i did or was stressed out and her cat had cancer and she was having a tough time with that. I tried really really hard in this relationship and even suggested we go to couples counseling after about 6-8 months. I mean how many times have you heard the guy want to go to counseling? or even be the one to suggest it. There were trust issues and other baggage from her previous relationships all over the place. Man i have so many horror stories. When i was first manager i wanted to engage my team and we have a gym at work, so i suggested after work we all hit the gym and bond that way. So people email me and tell me who might want to go, i make a list with the names, days and exercises and print it out. One of the people who wanted to go was a gurl, who i was not even attracted to at all. One night i come home and she is awake and when i come into bed she asks me about it. Apparently she went thought my backpack, saw the list, saw there was a gurls name on it and then had a dream that i was cheating on her so she asked me if anything was going on with the other gurl. There were like 10 people on this list, it was not like me and the chick were working out alone at 5am.

Another thing that she really did not like was me smoking. I was always complete up front and honest about that but after we moved in together she said she had a problem with that and she wanted kids in 2 years and all of this other shit that she wanted and i needed to do. It was unreal. But thats when stuff started to go down hill. i remember telling her that if shit worked out and we were ready and able to have kids then it would just happen naturally. And yes i do believe it, i mean love is going to have you do and create what you are going to do. The universe put us here so that we can learn and grow, hopefully with someone who you make a bond with and then let life unfold to what every it maybe. trying to force fate to make it do what you want instead of what you are supposed to do will not give you the happiness that you are looking for. I would try and tell her that but she did not get it or she wanted to rage at heaven and pay the price. The couples counselor told us that we should not really be together but she did not want to listen. During this time i tried many different approaches, i would try and change a little bit, not to much to hopefully help the situation. But honestly the lack of trust was just ruined it. There was also another thing that from my end was annoying as fucking hell. She wanted to do everything together. I mean i understand that mentality but not when you have to eat at the same place all the time instead of getting take out and going home and eating together. Sleeping and waking up at the same time. Always going to the same function instead of just letting the other person go alone, or if the other person went, then being unhappy because you dont think your mate wants to be there with you. I remember one comic con that was a perfect example of this.

So after all of that and during one of the many fights we had, i moved my facebook status to single after we didnt talk for like 4 days. I work days, she works nights its easy to not see each other even when you are sleeping in the same bed. At this time someone used the email the CEO of the company and tell them that i was smoking pot at work and being mean and disrespectful to my employee's. So it was sent to him who sends it to the director of my department, to my boss, who then asks me about it. Now i will tell you right now, sometimes its great being a good analyst, sometimes its not. this was a good time. We started to look at it and saw that the mail was sent anonymously so we dont know who sent it at all, but it was sent 1-2 hours before my employee's start. I started asking around on the shift if anyone feels this way, and no one does. So then i confront her about it and ask her if she did it and she swears that she did not. To this day i dont know if she did it or not but the evidence is just to great to dismiss and coincidence.

Right around this time her cat got really bad so we were taking it to radiation and doing all kinds of drugs to help her out. I would get her cat for her and take it to the apt all of the time. However the cat ended up not making it and we had to put it down. One of the most saddest things i have ever had to do. After / during this she was crying all the time and had to go on medical leave for depression and take meds. She did not want to but i thought and insisted that it was good for her. Even with the medication she was bitchy all the time and snapping at shit, i did not like it at all. So in Oct of 2010 i broke up with her. I wanted to try and work things out and she couldnt move out on her own at the time, i made more money than her, so i told her we could stay until december. We got separate beds at that point but were still sleeping in the same room. We tried to work things out and did things like go to disneyland and the company party together in december even though we were not officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

After the X-mas party things just got worse and worse. In January things got so bad that i was snapping at people and feeling like a caged animal because she would still try and control me by asking me to remove being single on my facebook and being mad if i went and did stuff with out her still. the company we work for does things like send the company to vegas after we ship a game and other cool things. In the end of Jan 2011 we got another trip. Since they had us sharing a room before, they booked a room for the both of us to stay in but we wanted separate rooms and they couldnt change them in time. Right around this time i was on the phone with her one day, she was at work i was at home during the day, and she said she saw me at work but i didnt say hi. That is correct i was walking with my boss and talking about shit so i didnt say hi, i was busy. She then told me "Good luck with your drug deals at work". Which i had no idea what she was talking about, but if she is going to say that at work with other co workers around and take my job in her hands like that, i did not want anything to do with her. This also was the last straw where i believed that she had nothing to do with the email and CEO thing. So i make up a plan that when she goes to vegas for the 3 day company thing, i will move out and continue to pay rent on that place until we agreed to move out. We agreed to stay until may when we get our profit sharing checks. So she packs up her stuff for the trip, i already go a rent a place a couple blocks away, and she leaves to go to vegas. The company pays for bus's so i knew she couldnt come back and try and start shit, so i text her with, while you are gone im going to be moving out but will pay rent until we agreed to leave. She texts back with have fun, or something like that so all good.

I move out, start going to therapy (I have good insurance, its cheap) and everything is going well. About a month in my new apt, feeling much better, much less angry and caged. All is well. During this time, she is pissed off that i have the keys to the apt and the remote to get into the garage. She is insisting that i give them to her or she will be angry and there will be consequences. Finally we work out that then the 30 day notice is given i will give them to the management company and be done with it. So then the aforementioned Him updates his facebook picture. I look at it, this is one of the times its bad to be a good analyst, and notice that he is standing in front of a cat thing that looks like the one i bought my ex after her cat died and i bought her a new cat. I look at it some more and it looks like its in the apt that my ex and I were renting. At this point it hits me, yea its in our place and its the thing i bought her.

At this point its just a theory, so what does any analyst do with a theory? lets try and prove or disprove. Ok so what does she like to do? Play WoW. Ok lets log on and see whats going on. On she is on, and Him is too. Surprise surprise. He is low level so that means he hasnt played in a while. Lets play coy and message him. So i message him "hey dude, whats going on, and this and that". He lets slip that him and her have been spending time together. So i play it off as nothing, tell him how nice it is to be moved out and say later. I then get a message on Facebook from her saying this and that and Him is in the room with her, then changes her relationship status to in a relationship right then. Fucking childish bitch, lol. So that means within 2 weeks of me giving my 30 day notice and moving out, she already had another dude and he was in the apt I was paying rent on. He was my friend for 9 years, I introduced them together and who knows how long they have been talking and about what. I am an analyst so I started to analyze the shit out of everything I could get my hands on.

I am so hurt and angry that i unfriended her and then posted on facebook about it, leaving their names out and asking what i should do about it. At that point i couldnt really tell why i felt this way but i felt that the dude owed me a debt and i wanted to collect. The best analogy i have is, its like he owed me 20 dollars and i wanted him to pay up. Now i can say that since i was still paying rent on the place, it felt like my property. The house not the chick. I mean i broke up with her, i cant really get mad at him for moving in. I can even say that my friend moved on my ex too soon for my taste. What i cant say is that my friend went into the place i was still paying for and started a relationship with my ex. I mean i just cant do that. So about 15 days after finding out, i tell him at work to meet me in a neutral place. I honestly dont remember the whole conversation except for a few parts, he said he was sorry about how all this went down and asked me what would have made it better. I can say that finding out over facebook was the worst possible way, i mean fuck dude have some fucking balls and say hey i know your not going to be happy but me and her are dating. The last thing i said to him was "i wish you guys the best and i thank you for the friendship you were able to provide me." then i got up and walked out. I am so proud of not beating the dude up at this point. I mean he and she both work at my work now. I will have to see them at all the company events and shit, beating the shit out of him would feel so good short term. My mom even told me to do it lol. But what I keep telling myself is this is the universes way of telling / showing me how to be a better person.

After i posed that on facebook She sent me the following message. I keep it to remind me whats up if i ever want to go back:

"posting all this shit on FB? Really? You can try to play victim saying you only moved out 4 weeks ago (might want to mention how you moved out too while you're at it). . . but we broke up MONTHS ago. Shane and I have both been very respectful to your feelings and haven't been spreading around that we are dating. To be nice to you. And now you are posting on FB where people who know all of us are, and trying to create drama. I'm really disappointed. You could have handled this much better, but instead you do something to piss me off. Do you really need attention that bad? Christ. You're so welcome for sending you pics when I didn't have to. "

About a month goes by, during this time I can honestly say I am devastated. Not only by my ex, not so much on that front, I mean I knew she was going to jump right to someone else. But to have someone who was supposed to be my friend do this and with her? Wtf, my mind kept on doing this literally all night “Do I want to go settle up, yes. Do I want to go settle up, no.” repeat. I didn’t sleep much the first couple nights. Like maybe 4 hours. I am an analyst, I wanted more information, I wanted to stalk them on facebook and see what was going on. I wanted to find out where they lived and see if they already moved in together. She started doing shit like changing her facebook pic to be of them together and updating her facebook with shit like my new boy friend is the greatest. We have a bunch of mutual friends at work so I had to tell people, and people tell me that I did not want that information. It was tough since I was trained it seems like now, she majored in psychology, I was in contact like 4-5 times a day and breaking that is a nightmare. Fortunately 2 things happened that helped with that more than I could have known.

The first was my ex decided to kick me out of a guild we have at work. I don’t know if you play online games but people meet and form a guild and do stuff together. The whole social networking thing all in one. But we had one at work with the director of our department and for whatever reason she kicked me out of his guild. I don’t know why but that childish of an act, just made me smile and make a lot of the hurt go away. I can’t explain it. When I contacted the guys who ran the guild, they were like we will kick her out and invite you back. *Another chance to be the bigger person* So I said, no its cool, wait a week or two until it calms down and you can quietly invite me back. I don’t know why but having their support and being able to be the better person was like healing therapy for me. I wish I knew why.

The second thing that helped me more than anything was meeting and stumbling on this gurl named Jen. My head at the time was in the dumps. Not so much that women are bad but that as my therapist and I talked, we started to profile the gurl that would work for me and I felt like I was Wyatt from weird science. The only problem was this gurl couldn’t be made. I first saw Jen’s profile on OKC and to be completely honest her default picture is so hot that it’s too hot. Not that I don’t like hot women, I mean wow she was hot, but I like mine more cute instead of hot. I looked over her profile and saw a website that she listed. Being curious and seeing it didn’t look like a lemon party redirect, I checked it out. Man as I started checking out the site, I was floored. I liked this part of it, man I liked that part too, that shit is funny. I have a cool vader remix on youtuberepeat that I got from the site. Then I read Jen’s story. Wow she went through some shit and did something positive in her life with it. She didn’t let it keep her down and does not think it a bad experience, same as I do. While it hurts now, the growth is going to be great and rewarding. Then she started actually telling her story with the world. Man could Identify with so many things she was saying. Not cause they were the same as mine, but because I could see mine as being that bad, but it either was not or I did not know about it. And let’s be honest, if I knew the full story and it was as bad as hers and they worked at the same place as me, would it really be worth it to beat him up? A lot of things started to click about being a better person and why we do this and what it could lead to. Call it destiny or fate or just checking the right thing at the right time but since then the possibilities are endless. I cannot tell you how much I feel a weird connection, all be it a pixilated online connection, just because of the stories she tells. But I am so thankful and happy that she did decide to share her story so that it can help others.

I have one thing to say to you all ...

WAHOOOO!! Feel better?

AH-MAZING! Me too!!!

Got a story? Something you wanna get off your chest - drop it to me in an email:

JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com

Please don't include names, just share feelings and the general storyline. Dudeeeeeee this feels AAMMAAZINNNGGG!!! Bah! You guys rock!

Keep on keepin' on!

#nerdsunite