#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick
Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.
#nowplaying: Love the way you lie - Eminem
Oh wow. I am still going through all of the emails you guys have sent me with your stories. These are awesome ... but looonnnnnngggggg!!! Holy moly!
I very literally did not mean to start this whole saga. Wow, it was amazing though. Totally cathartic - and a total trip to see it all posted on this site, and no longer just inside of me.
I don't think anyone knew the full story of what happened. A lot of people knew a lot of bits and pieces, but now it's there. No longer belonging to me.
BAT SHIT!!!
It's weird that my dad (a corporate lawyer), and my brother (works at the Pentagon) prepared me for learning what to do if a guy ever laid a hand on me ... but this story was so hard to tell because it was such a mind fuck. I didn't know what was going on because I placed my identity in this person so strongly. I assure you, they would have warned me if they even knew what was going on ... no one knew. There really was no preventative measure in this scenario - I am a FIERCELY strong willed individual, just super grateful that people were able to relate to it, and take from it what they would.
This video btw, always reminded me of our relationship. Again, why the fuck didn't he ever hit me?!?! Would have been SOOOO much easier!?!?! BAHHHH!!
I questioned for months after if he ever really loved me. It was all such a mind fuck, I feel like I never really knew. I can say this though, there were two times in us hanging out that I know he was entirely serious.
One time, I was putting make up on in his bathroom, he turned to me and said, you know you're really beautiful. No, I mean like really beautiful.
He said that in the kinda way a mathematician might analyze beauty. It was very much because your nose is this, and your eyes are this far apart, and shaped like this - with your lips the way that they were ... it wasn't romantic at all, but I know he was being honest.
Second time, we were smoking pot with some peeps ... and I took a huuggeee hit - like huge ... and this is California weed man, I'm not a pot head by any stretch of the imagination (childhood asthma) - but FUUUCCKKKK I took this hit and literally could not breathe. Like wasn't even choking, just barely got air out type of choke ... he was sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen and had this fear of, oh fuck, she's not okay - someone help, in his eyes.
I knew if I died in that moment he would have been sad.
Is it weird that I think of these things?
I also feel a bit vacant tonight after telling this story. Like I literally feel in a very literal sense, that this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and my body is readjusting to wtf is going on here. It's going to take some time, I'm sure the wound isn't completely healed ... but its certainly on the path to be, and that is something that I can only say now for the first time.
Remember, he may have done all of those things to me, but it takes two to tango. Something in me resonated in him and desired all of those scenarios. Insane. Insane. Insane. I am very literally SUCHHHHHHH a different person now. Wow.
On another note, things are moving along with the pilot. I'm pretty stoked. I'm trying to figure out my schedule for Vegas this week, going to NAB to meet with some of the engineers and developers. SUPPPERRRRRR stoked to see what livestreaming awesomeness they have for me to play with. UGH! EPIC!!!!! Talk about getting to be on the pulse and the cutting edge. FUCKING AMAZING.
So yeah! If any of you are in Vegas, totally hit me up - @JenFriel. I'll be in your neck of the woods maybe as early as Saturday to maybe as late as next Saturday. Again, have to see what's going on with the pilot, but stoked for the lil' mini get away.
YAYYYY LIFE!!! Keep on keepin on! And thanks again everyone, so so much for the support and love in getting that story out. I couldn't have done it without you.
All my love and all my heart.
xoxo #nerdsunite
ps. if you guys have a story you want to share on heartbreak, or anything love related - I'm totally all ears, and if you give me permission might even post it. No worries I take names and all that out ... but trrrrruuussssstttt that shit feels GREAT!!!!!!!! I'm all ears, so start speaking! =) =) =)
JenFriel at talknerdytomelover dot com