#WTF: About last night ... can I get a rundown? (My Version)

Two nerds experienced one very dramatic, Jerry Springer circa 1995 style evening last night. They each posted their side of the story without consulting the other to give their own unique perspective on the events that occured. Click here to read Polly's side of the events.

#nowplaying: Rock Mafia - The big bang

SOOOO ... last night I went out with Polly Dixon from @dustycpollyd - and two other friends to celebrate getting a home. Girls night, totally itchin to be bitchin (is there a cream for that yet?)... oh where, oh where did it go so wrong?

We hit up the Fat Dog on Fairfax at 6:14 and JUUUSSSTTTTT missed their happy hour by 14 minutes. RATS!!!!! Buggar! BAHH!! But now at least we know.

Bit of a backstory here ... Polly is currently porking her trainer in every which way that should not be legal. Albeit, it is a newly started porking; bacon is still being shared by both parties (MMMMMM BACONNNN!!!! omg I need some. One second ...). I warned her from the VERRYYYY beginning about this boy. Like straight up, I kept saying over and over and over, I've had so many trainers in the past - and personal training can get a bit steamy just in general (legs up, harder harder, give me 5 more ... don't stop. keep going, you're doing so great. um yeah.)... I thought it was supppeerrrrr weird that he actually took it to the next level. Not that Polly isn't beautiful, and dude, hahaha what guy wouldn't toss out some sort of code of ethics for her .... I just thought it was complete bullshit that he actually did it.

Again, I don't buy into this whole notion of a "one" and what if you meet someone and they just happen to have this job blah blah blah ... it's crap. What in you resonates in this person, and what in you is attracted to what they are offering. Personal responsibility peoples.

K ... backstory over. A couple of hefeweizen's later, she texts trainer boy, (which btw UBBEERRRR girl fail on texting boys on girls night out FTR) inviting him to come out. He said he's going to try ... but then goes radio silent for a couple of hours. Not good. Polly figures he's not going to show, and decides to drown her sorrow in the last few drops of the bottle of wine we got for the table.

I console her and just lend an ear to all of the thoughts festering in her noggin regarding this boy.

Just then ...

::buzz buzz::

Her phone beeps.

It's trainer boy.

I don't remember the exact text, but it was something along the lines of - hey, was passed out on the couch. be there in a few.

Cool! So he is actually coming. Rad.

Not really sure what happened next as I was talking to another one of my friends, but I turn around and all of the sudden Polly is gone, and two seconds later I see this strapping, handsome, like crazy retarded commercially attractive human being.

Ohhhhhhhhh fuck me in the goat ass. He's here. Alrite, be nice Jen ... be nice. You may not approve, because frankly this doesn't exactly smell like a winning situation, but nobody likes a know it all. Keep it cool, keep it cool.

I remain seated but reach out my hand - Hi, I'm Jen. I then offer for him to sit in between me and Polly since the other seats were taken.

He sits down, and the two of them go into their newly porking but now we're in a social setting flirt. (Hehehehe I've seen your boobs. Hehehehehe I've seen your wee wee.)

I continue my conversation with my friend, and then look over and see trainer boy texting someone. Now normally - I am NEEEVVVERRRRR one to read peoples text messages. Like ever. At all. Ever. Privacy peoples, I may not have it, but I certainly respect it. But at this point, I was bored from lack of eye candy, and something shiny just popped up in my peripheral vision.

I look down and read ...

Hey, sorry I passed out on the couch.

Wait, I think - isn't that exactly what you just texted to Polly? You're not passed out on the couch! You're here with us at Fat Dog! I look up and see he was texting a girl named Melissa D. My mind starts to race, my heart starts pounding ... so, were you actually passed out prior when you said you were? Or were you at happy hour with someone else? I literally started cracking my knuckles. OOOHHH HELLLLLLLL TO THE FUCK NO.

Shit's about to get real.

Again though, they're newly porking - no one really owes anything to anyone, but dude don't be a douche to my friend and throw it in her face, and CERTAINLY don't EVER let me know about that shit. I am NOT going to be an accomplice in this.

I shoot the two of them daggers. I was literally sitting shoulder to shoulder with this boy, but that was one cold mother fucking shoulder. ICICLES STARTED FORMING!!!!!!!!

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg my brain will not let this go. omg omg omg omg omg omg I do not know what to do. I reach out to my voice of reason ... aka twitter ...

Yeah exactly. I can't not tell her at this point.

I grab my droid, and send her a text saying that I have information on trainer boy if she wants to hear it. If she doesn't I understand, at least it's her call.

Dude, whaaatttt is going on right now?!?!?! See, this is why boys aren't allowed at girls night. Total fucking drama, and totally not my deal.

At that point, we start to get up from the table, and she reads my text.

She pulls me aside - DUDE!!! What's with the daggers you are shooting us?

I then tell her what I saw.

She goes, oh no, I saw that too - but it had my name in it. Didn't it say something about Jessica? I say, no sweetie. I didn't see that at all.

The look of denial shoots back at me. She doesn't get it. I also at this point cannot make her get it. Remember the story of the mentalist? and how blind I was? People see what they want to see. Period end of sentence. She had been totally in love with this boy for months, now they're porking, all should be well in her world, but now I also just made her aware that while he was with her, he was also texting another girl.

Dude, go do your thing up down left and right. Please... just for the love of all things nerdy, DON'T PUT SOMETHING SHINY IN FRONT OF SOMEONE WITH ADD!!!! WHHHYYYYY did I have to read that fucking thing?!?!!? I just don't want to know!

We walk over to Lolas ... she decides she's going to confront him.

The two of them walk into the back and start talking. I grabbed my other friend and we started gabbing about how fucking weird and awkward this entire situation was.

omg omg omg omg I cannot believe this is happening. EPITOME of AWKWARDNESS!!!!

I was explaining to her too that I had no idea if I was being overly protective having been the blind girl - I was trying to stay conscious of that fact as well .... but I just didn't know.

Again, HOW COULD I NOT SAY SOMETHING?!?!?!?!?!

They continue to talk, and we continue with our best cartoon peeking around the corner, pretending like we are not staring at them analyzing every move they are making.

Does she look mad? Has she thrown a drink in his face yet?

My turn ... my turn ... I wanna look ...

My friend then says we should approach, we're being weird. No one likes someone weird.

Fine fine fine ... we walk over, I avoid eye contact and bypass their table and head to the bar.

Doop dee doo ... Blue moon please ... doop dee doo ...

AWWWKKKWAARRRDDDDDD!!!!!

They're still talking, but I tell my friend that we are NOT leaving this bar area. I don't care if we are standing less than 20 feet away - they are going to approach. Not us ... not us.

Exactly one blue moon later, they say that they want to go to another bar up the street. OOHHH my goodness, I am too old to bar hop.

Fine fine fine, I say.

I'm out, I'm all dressed up. Oh wait, what the fuck just happened here? Are you guys cool now?

I crack a half smile, searching for something with my eyes as I stare at Polly. She gets it, and pulls me aside. Talk to him, Jen. Just talk to him - hes cool. It was this chick from Vegas. I'm fine with it.

Me fucking talk to him??? Why do I need to talk to him??? What? What? What?

OMMMMGGGGGG this is not happening.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU!!!! I didn't really like you from the beginning, I definitely didn't like you after meeting you ... and now this ?!?!? We have to CONVERSE after I just called you out in front of everyone?!?!?!?!!

Oh fuck me in the goat ass.

FINE!

Ugh. This is why I do not have intimate relationships with people. See, see where it gets me ... loving my friend enough that I am willing to converse with this individual on said awkwardness that he made me aware of this evening.

We walk out and I start running to catch up to him ... hey, listen - didn't mean to cause all of that, but I hope you understand my position and realize that I couldn't not say something.

He said yeah, but we're both consenting adults - she knows what she's doing, and so do I.

I said, but do you really understand? That girl seems tough, but she has one of the biggest hearts on this planet. She likes you. I know I think more like a dude than a chick, so whatever if its just sex, its just sex ... but to her, I know it's more.

Oh, I like her too - he says.

Good response, or my next move might have been a swift kick to your nards. Wait, are you still talking? Pay attention Jen.

I interrupt him - I get it dude. I really do. I just hope you can understand from my side of things that I was put in an uncomfortable position, and felt the need to do the honorable thing.

Oh no, I totally get it.

K ... cool ...

We keep walking.

How far is this place? How is it we have already somewhat made peace and we're not even half way there.

SO um, where are you from??

AWKWWAAARRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!!

We then get to the next bar, and have a pretty rad time. Met up with some other training clients of his, and dude one of them was like SUPPERRRR hot! Like dude with the beard, I gave you my card - please tweet me. I kinda wanna jump your bones.

I am totally going through a facial hair fetish phase right now. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have a constant craving for a moustache ride.

YUMMYYY!!!

Oh yeah, wanna know my favorite part about this entire story??? Polly and I woke up to these this morning ...

FANNY COOLER PACKS!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!

Dudes, there's even this little clear part in the front that I am totally going to put a sign that says,

hi my name is @jenfriel. If lost, please return home www.talknerdytomelover.com

#kthxbye

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Greatest. Gift. Ever.

... and now, we have fanny packs.

#amazing

Thanks Ben so much for the packs - and thanks everyone for all the tweets! Stay tuned for Polly's version of the story later today!

xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo