Say what you need to say ... always
Woah. Woah. Woah. First off, my apologies for these last few posts on just being strictly my adventures. I am very aware that yes, the universe does revolve around other things, and this site has more of a purpose than my lifecasting ... but a lot has been going on this week, that I can't help but share. It's my thing.
First off, I have been so stressed out this week. Like crazy stressed out, and dude, that's not my thing. I totally forgot I was supposed to be at a screening last night, I forgot my wallet which had my ID for the bar back at the house last night; I kid you not when I say those things never happen to me. Occasionally, yes I might forget something and two seconds later reach back - but other than that, no. I'm pretty zen about life, and just kinda go with the flow. I don't find anything really necessary of stress, I just figure out how to manage and deal with it. That btw, comes from a place of comfort, not desperation. To operate and do anything successfully, the one thing you cannot do is come from a place of desperation. BIG lesson learned in the last year. Big. Huge!
I had some paperwork put in front of me yesterday regarding the pilot, and life, and everything - I didn't understand it, and didn't understand why certain things were being asked of me. The actual actualness of what went down isn't really necessary for me to go into, but it provoked this elicit response of just NO! That's not my style. I was emotionally very charged up, and within reading ONE LINE of this thing, it was just no effin way. I, again, pride myself on staying pretty cool and being able to analyze a lot of things from a logical perspective and then proceed only when I feel whatever needed to be address has been addressed. I was totally in the wrong for acting that way - and it set a chain reaction that I wasn't anticipating.
I'm having a degree of difficulty understanding what exactly it is that I do. It's existentialism at its best that this is my life, my life is it, but what the fuck is it? The legal system has yet to catch up with technology, and when you say one thing - based on the shiznat that I'm doing it could mean an ENTIRELY different thing. My dad's a lawyer, and I've been a plaintiff in two lawsuits in my life - I don't know a lot about the legal system, but I have seen enough first hand to know how to bend things. Bottom line: every thing made my head hurt. I did the only thing I knew to do, and reached out to my intellectual property attorney. He got back to me super fast, and was supremely puzzled why any of this was even happening. He asked for me to call him, which I did.
An hour and some very heavy thinking later - I knew what I had to come back with regarding the paperwork, and it wasn't going to be pretty. I called my dad, and two other attorneys, and they had all said the same thing - don't sign.
I was walking over to the gym at the time when all of this was hitting - and I swear to you, I felt like I got hit by a bus. There was no dramatic moment of lightheadedness, it was just this weird understanding that holy shit, I don't need that? Are you for reals? How can I break this news and not hurt this person that I very genuinely care about? I was a fucking wreck, and suffered a psychological fugue. Well, not literally, but I did do an about face and proceed to walk down to Santa Monica Blvd and pop on a bus. See, I had EXACTLY 3 singles on me from amateur night at the strip club (just kidding, I totally made more than $3), so that was just enough money for a round trip to the beach where I knew I could collect my thoughts.
I grew up in Connecticut, and spent all of my summers growing up on boats and beaches in Maine and New Hampshire. Me and nature go together like peanuts and pumpernickel. I need it to breathe; it centers and grounds me.
I kid you not, literally the SECOND my feet hit the sand, I felt so much better.
Dude, sand slippers are the best thing EVER!!!!!
I then sat and watched the sunset, and recognized that this was all that mattered in the world. TV shows come, and TV shows go. You're hot in Hollywood for one minute, and cold the next; no matter what though, I have to look myself in the mirror everyday. There's no escaping that.
I can't understand what I have to offer someone else, until I understand the value of what I have. I know lawyers break all those things down for you, and explain what things are worth blah blah blah. But this is my HEART! It's different. Do I want to continue and do a spin off, and do xxx for xxx and bllllaahhhhhhhhhhh - I dunno. I know right now, I'm stressed and surrounded by noise. Had to flip on the headphones, set on my "chill time" playlist on my ipod touch and drown it all out.
Nothing moves anywhere until I say it does. This is my thing - and frankly what was being asked of me to sign didn't need even need to be associated with this company; I negotiate as an intellectual property separately.
I'm learning. I don't know anything about this business, but I know I have no shame in asking a trillion questions and trusting my gut when something doesn't feel right.
I am phenominally sad that I hurt someone today, but I recognize at the same time, that everything else is still going to move forward and future projects will be addressed as they come up, when I feel comfortable with proceeding.
Look at those faces. Tell me you don't want to be wrapped up in all of that! GROUP HUG!! I also, asked my parentals if I could pop back east for a few days. I need a mom and dad hug. HAHA! Lame, I know right? But my parents give the BEST HUGS EVER! And I need one - so badly.
The rest just is, and will just be. Everything is still going crazy fast - and is awesome ... but you have to come from a place of creative inspiration versus diluting crapiddy crap crap just for the sake of a buck. That's not even necessarily what these peeps were trying to do, trust, they are EQUALLY passionate, if not more - but this is my baby. This is my site, and my thing. Other people will have other projects til the cows come home, but it doesn't mean I can't place my two feet firmly on the ground and decide for myself and the brand what I want to do. The pilot as is is rock solid, and we're just going to move forward with that for now (as to be honest, it's happening whether or not I want it to at this point. CRAZY!).
Life's too much fun, man. I love you guys. It's insane, absurd, and potentially completely pathological - but I trust my gut, and I trust that no matter what, I'll figure it out. After all, aren't that what social networks are for?
#nerdsunite
ANNNNNNNNNDDD as my commitment to you all, I promise to not keep posting all this pilot mumbo jumbo up here. I created a tumblr acct on my personal domain to keep it separate as things will be heating up over the next few weeks. So yah! Thx guys! xoxo
