This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 5)

Mar 31

Oh wow. That last post took a lot out of me. Like a lot a lot out of me. See, look at the picture - same day different outfit. I took the LOONNGGEEESSSTTTT shower, changed, and I still feel bleh. Gotta keep plowing through and keep on truckin. May not like it ... in fact, I REALLY may not like it - but walking towards fear, and walking towards things that make you uncomfortable give you that greater kickstart to a shift in consciousness, and certainly feel AH-MAZING to the soul. What is fear anyway? It's a False. Event. Appearing. Real. And surpressing the uncomfortable nature of this story isn't going to make it go away any more. Just gotta let it out ... here we go ...

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... here's part one point five ... here's part two ... here's part three ... and here's part four.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

#nowplaying: Mumford and Sons - I gave you all

The phone rings - I look down, surprise surprise the mentalist reappears. I answer the phone, and I don't even say anything. I just started crying. Like crying, crying. Incoherent, blubbery, I think the words why, what, and how came out of my mouth.

I just kept whaling. It was that gut wrenching soul whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa. He stays on the phone with me, I don't remember him saying anything - he just let me cry. and cry. and cry. He tells me to take deep breaths and that he was going to call the girls.

I don't remember hanging up the phone, I don't remember moving ... I don't remember anything. I just remember the girls freaking out when their phones started ringing in the other room. You answer it! No you answer it! OMG What do we say?! Dude, they lost their mind. They were both so scared. Again, these chicks had just moved there, had no money, no jobs, were crashing there rent free - dude, they were sleeping on a queen sized air mattress in the living room, but hey! at least they had a place to stay. That place was now in jeopardy, they told me a secret ... a really big secret ... and he was calling to find out exactly what I knew.

Neither of them answered their phones right away. He kept calling, and kept calling. In fact, I very literally think I passed out at this point. All I remember is that everything went black.

I never looked at a clock, or had any idea what time it was ... I remember rolling over, and grabbing the phone and calling him. I had calmed down, finally. I asked the only question I could think of asking the person that I utterly adored who just broke my heart into a million pieces - why? ... my voice cracked.

No answer.

Complete and total silence.

Whatever was spoken in the initial confrontation on the phone is a complete blackout for me. I just remember blackness ... the blackness ... the blackness.

I do though remember one text, he responded to my note on Facebook saying I was looking for sympathy from my friends - that he never cheated because we were never in a relationship. I have a photographic memory, so the auditory portions of what transpired clearly didn't stick ... but that fucking text I remember.

I was so angry. How could he say we were never "together?!" Was I love you not enough? Was the psychological conditioning you did on me to prepare me for this child we were going to have together, was that not enough? Oh yeah - he would tell me all the time that I was going to look so good pregnant. That yeah he was on the road a lot, but technically speaking when he was off the road he would be able to spend more time with a child than the majority of fathers would.

Wanna know the best part about all of this? I very honestly don't know if I can have kids. I found out when I was in my early teens that apparently if I do decide to have kids the natural way, I was advised by my doctor to have them young. A totally fucking trippy thing to say to like a 14 year old. I at the time had done so much nannying, I just I dunno kinda figured kids were a part of the equation in life. I assure you, the SECOND someone takes that away from you, all you end up doing is wanting it more.

He didn't know that I didn't think I could have kids. It's not exactly something I tell a lot of people - HILARIOUS that now I am telling this to the entire fucking world. But true story. Again, not that I'm looking to have them anytime soon, but I do have a very strong maternal instinct; I'm a lioness to my cubs. I take care of my peeps, and I'm a fighter when I have to be. I can be sweet as a peach, but you fuck with my cubs, watch out - I will attack, and you don't want that ... HIZZUAH!!!!

I've always been one of those freaky freaks of nature medically speaking. I wasn't born breathing due to my mom being given too many drugs during her labor, I literally got sick with like every illness under the sun for the first 24 years of my life. Dude, I even got MRSA that super bug back in like 2007 - old people get that from hospitals, I picked it up at the gym somehow. Bat shit! Lancing those fuckers was the most PAINNNFFULLLLLLLL thing on the planet. OMG! Do not google ... wait, stop googling!! DON'T DO ITTTTTTTT - bah! I warned you.

I'm very confident I can have kids, but really really really fucked up to do to someone like that. Again, he may not have known, I can't honestly remember, but who cares, it's still there.

I pictured a life with this person. I just cannot stress that enough. I was at this weird stage in my life where I came back from Florida, but didn't really go back to living my life in LA. I isolated a shit ton in his apartment. Albeit, there were people living there - but I barely left. It was actually pretty amazing since all I did was study trends, really, deeply ensconce myself in the social space. That summer/early fall I even taught myself dashcode. HAHA! Totally not kidding, I have a lot of energy - it has to go somewhere.

I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, I don't know how to describe what happened to me that summer. I just woke up and discovered that I didn't like leading my life, and the love that I had for this human being was pretty much the only thing I wanted to do. Again, I had a little bit of money I had from the lawsuit (lost everything I owned in a massive cockroach infestation. can't talk about it per the settlement, but I got some dough. Like less than 1/10th of what I lost ... but whatevs). I just didn't want to do anything. I had no desire to even really tell my friends I was back in town (I had been commercial modeling in Florida for 7 months), I wasn't speaking to my family since my grandmother was in the final stages of her life and I didn't know how to process those emotions. I just sort of checked out, and checked in to this individual. Of course, there couldn't be anything less healthy on this planet. I assure you, typing this alone makes me want to jump out of my skin - but it was, and it is. Love was all that I thought I needed in this world to feel fulfilled. I would help him with his career so I was still able to edit vids, work my PR angles, and kinda do my own creative thing. Dude, I could sell that mofo like no other!

I remember I kept explaining to him that social media was REALLY picking up steam, and he needed to do something about it. He kept biting back, and biting back. I said no, we can do this web show ... or we can have you do this ... and that ... and this ... and that ... he thought I was nuts. I was like HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS SPACE THAT IT IS ABOUT TO EXPLODDDEEE!!!! I literally remember sitting on the couch asking him that question one time and going, oh, it's because you're on the road so much - you really don't have any idea how much the world is changing. He told me I was drinking too much of the Mashable kool-aid. Insanity. Insanity I tell you ... insanity! This was coming out of the mouth of a fucking mind reader. BAT SHIT!

He was very literally the only thing I had, and the only thing I was really doing with my life. He made me happy, that was something I had fought for, and searched for relentlessly my entire life ... literally, 24 years.

With one Facebook email, the little addition I built on his house of cards fell ... the fact that it was over the brownie girl that I had a bad feeling on, was just the icing on the cake. Dude, the fact that my gut warned me so hard, and so strong made all of this THAT MUCH worse. How could I really not know? How is it that people tell me all the time how smart I am, yet I went and got caught up in something like this? I felt so ashamed - even now, I'm totally tearing up in releasing this shame that I felt. My parents didn't raise me to be in a relationship like that. Was I really that unsure of myself? Outwardly appearances would have spoken otherwise. One Facebook email. One fucking Facebook email. It was done. I was done. My identity was lost, I fell back asleep.

Alrite, I need a breather. Next up, I'll let you all know about brownie girl and her potential bun in the oven, what happened when I moved out - and did I mention that there were other girls? Yep! Entire other relationships.