This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 2)

Mar 29

Can I get a huzzah for just how fucking AWESOME the weather is in Hollywood? Like, LA ... I love you. I kinda wanna make out now. That cool? Dudes, you guys are making my life with these comments. Thank you all so so so much for the support on these posts! They have literally taken this site hostage until I can spew them all out. Good lord, I literally cannot post anything else - like at all. Have to get this out.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

Alrite, ready? Time to be fucking fabulous.

So, the chickadee that he went to that event to had a nickname, me and the English girls called her "brownie girl." Like literally, a chick that has brownies, not like a brownie girl as in the pre-girl scout chickadees cause like that would be weird and illegal, and very weird, and very very illegal.

After the mentalist went to that "networking" party, brownie girl hit him up to go to another event the following Friday. (My brain remembers the weirdest details when it comes to storytelling, I can actually tell you that they went out on a Friday. WEIRRRDDDD) This party however, he was definitely going as a plus one, and it was definitely a date. Again, we were not in an exclusive relationship by his definition. Which btw, is like the most evil thing you can do to a person that loves you. Even if you don't love them back ... you have to do them a favor and just let them be, or go away for a bit ... love can't just sort of process all out there by itself. Did he not see Jerry Maguire??? (Skip to 1:08)

He didn't call it a date to my face - he told me he was actually using her just for her contacts at this event. He's totally a charmer. I knew she was prolly bat shit crazy about him, but I dunno, my gut told me that if I slept in his bed none of it mattered. Go do your thing, it's part of your persona, it's part of what you do. Like, no literally, I get that shit. I am annoyingly a non-jealous human being when it comes to relationships - I frankly just.don't.care. He wanted the contacts this chick had, go for it man - its your karma in using people for shit like that. I feel like that's Hollywood 101, but whatevs - I'll judge you in silence with my judgey mcjudgerson eyes. JUDGEY MCJUDGERSON!!!

He leaves for the date by giving me this big kiss and yada yada yada. That night I was supposed to go somewhere. I forget where, but either way, my plans fell through. I plopped my lil fanny on his couch and started to read. hahaha it's a Friday night in Hollywood - I'm 24, of course I would be sitting on a couch reading. Dude, Outliers had just come out!!!! OMG OMG OMMMFFGGGGG love me some Gladwell!!!! I am not entirely unconvinced however that magical fairies don't live in his fro - it is pretty epic, and must include fairy dust. Duh.

Something happened with them after he left - she needed to come inside the house and do something ... or something ... I don't remember that part. But there I was reading, and a knock came at the door. It was brownie girl, with the mentalist not far in tow. I was like, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me! You're coming inside the house? Wait, are we about to meet? You the chick the dude that I love is using for the night for "contacts" - haha what does that even MEAN!!!

I open the door, and literally turn right around and sit back down. HAHAHA I was such a bitch, I didn't even introduce myself - like stone cold. I'm a very deliberate and willful person. I got a lot of love in my heart, but I can't do polite conversation - like at all. I really don't care who you are, you're being used ... and now I'm supposed to sit there and smile? WTF?!

She walks in the apartment literally like she owns the place. She goes over to the counter and places this tray of brownies down on the counter and then walks into his bedroom (the bedroom WE SHARE), to use the bathroom. There were so many things happening in this scenario, my brain hit overload. Who the fuck is this chick to stroll in like she owns the place? (See, what I'm doing there ... I'm being jealous. JEEAALLLOOOUUUSSS) It was weird, he told me she had never been here before ... swore up and down by it ... how the fuck did she know where the bathroom is, and why was she walking around so cool, calm, and collected? THIS IS WEIRD!!!

Oh yeah, wait a second too - WHO COOKS BROWNIES FOR A DATE?!?! Who even COOKS in Los Angeles!!!!!!!! Like literally, never. The only time I would ever even contemplate making brownies was when I was stoned out of my fucking mind, and dude, by cooking I mean grabbing one of those 5:00 microwaveable things from the store. These were like actual brownies, with actual ingredients, bought from an actual grocery store - not 7-11, in an ACTUAL CONTAINER WITH PINK SARAN WRAP OVER THEM!!!!!!!!!

She emerges from the bathroom super giddy to gift me with these brownies ... she goes, I heard you were here!! I am SOOOOO excited to meet his houseguests!!!!!!!! Are you guys having fun? I can't believe there are 4 of you living in this one bedroom! Super cozy! Are you all getting along?

Words were coming out of this chicks mouth, and literally, with each one a piece of me died. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!?!?!?! I fuck the dude that you're going out on this date with, please don't liquor him up too much ... his whiskey dick is meh.

The mentalist then walked into the apartment. He was standing by the door asking if she was ready to leave. She then goes, OH! I have a gift for you!!! Gift too? Wait what? I ... I ... I ... just wanted to read my book. Come to think of it I should have just walked into the bedroom or something and been all, sup bitch?! I sleep here ... but I didn't think of it. I very literally think she thought the 3 of us chicks slept on that queen sized air mattress - hahaha not kidding. Wow, super hot mental picture. TICKLE PARTYYYYY!!! K ... moving on ...

I grab my book and pretend to not be looking over. She gives him this magic set from like the 1800s - was no doubt super expensive, and super weird to just give to someone when you are on a date with them. This was what, their like first official date? A bit much, eh? Whatever, some bitches just can't hang organically.

So, they went to that event ... apparently she got a lil drunkey drunk and tried getting all up on him. Not like all, all up on him - but she took him to this lingerie show, and apparently tried getting him on the dance floor or whatever by swaying her sexiness in his face. He apparently wasn't having it. This is of course just the shit he spewed out to me. Lordy schmickmordy knows what actually went down.

He comes home, and we bone on the couch. It was the kind of bone that you're like fucking for freedom. I was angry - really angry. Who did this chick think that she was messin wit my man!! Again, looky looky who he came home to!?! (Dude, how can I say I am not a jealous person? Look at these words that are escaping my mouth. Insane.)

Couple days go by, and he gets a call from brownie girl - she wants her dish back. That woman is either one of the dumbest people on the planet, (like literally - she even pronounces her own name wrong. HAHAHAHA totally not even kidding. It's spelled Amber, but she goes hiiiiiii - my name is UMMBBEERRRR. It's like um, your last name is Spanish, you're not French bitch) or one of the smartest. She brought the dish so she could ask for it back and see him again. That insecure that your milkshake don't naturally bring all the boys to the yard??? SUCKKAAA!!! Dude, she was diabolical. I've literally never. ever. thought about doing that to a boy. Come to think of it, I wouldn't even ask for a dish back from one of my good friends. It's just one of those things ... leave it be.

They went back and forth, and back and forth for a bit. She kept wanting to "pop" by ... I kept wanting to pop her one. Isn't love grand!

I grilled him relentlessly on this chick. It just made no sense for her to do all of those things to someone that she just met. I POINT BLANK asked him one day when he was standing in the bathroom if he had ever even kissed anyone after me - he said no. I didn't think to ask if he had boned anyone else, figured that one was common knowledge. Dude, we didn't kiss but I totally put it in. I'm a lawyers daughter, I should have known to ask.

Something about this chick rubbed me the wrong way. Like literally, I can get along with anyone. Albeit, I was WAY more uptight then, but I've always been a nerdy hippie that just kinda went with the flow of it all. The things he told me about this chick made NO SENSE to the way she was acting. Again, this chick is either the most evil person on the planet, or the smartest and like buildings should be named after her, and a holiday should be created in her honor. Oh, and a parade. She totally needs a parade.

Needless to say, I was incredibly confused.

Dude, the brownies though ... not that bad. Thanks, bitch.

Alrite, gonna take a breather here. That was an intense story ... hahahaha!! Next up, I said goodbye to the English chicks, hello to two new lodgers from Minnesota - and brownie girl? HAHAHA she's not going anywhere. I was so fucking right about her.

#staytuned

Seriously guys ... thanks so so much for reading these posts, and for your support in me expressing this. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea I was harboring so much of this anger. This feels utterly amazing to let it out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.