This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 1.5)

Mar 29

The emotional escape artist in me still wants to leave, but I will walk towards the uncomfort - cause like, that's where things happen. I am admitting this story to my family, friends, business peeps, omg, my life - my everything .... own it Jen, own it! Remember: "the truth shall set you free!" (I have no bed, but I can hide in my spirithood.)Bahhhhhhhh!! Thank you all so. so. so. so. SOOOOO much for the tweets, emails, and Facebook messages regarding part 1 of this post. It's chillin on the same page as this, but click here if you have yet to read part one.

Again, this has nothing to do with anything outside of PURE AND UTTER FRUSTRATIONNNNN over my current social experiment on OKC - I'm a lifecaster - I tell stories about my life. This one however, I have yet to tell ... and holy mother of a clam mackin' on a lamb eatin a piece of ham - this one is good.

I stepped away from the site as much as I could this afternoon, and just decompressed. I kid you not, I can talk about anything in life ... like literally, nothing bothers me, ever. I'm operating from a place of nothing to lose ... but this story hurts. And hurts bad. We have over 4,995 posts on this site. I have written over 90% of them ... that results in approximately 4,500 posts that I personally have written since this sites inception. THIS IS THE MOST PAINFUL STORY ... EVER. Get it? I need this release. The life of the lifecaster behind this depends on it. Sans all of you ... I assure you ... blah blah blah ... it's noise. I need the release, I can't afford therapy.

Of course it's further compounded by seeing it in print and recognizing that GOOD LORD I WAS AN IDIOT, but I also recognize that this was very literally another lifetime for me. I don't know the person that I was almost 2 years ago, but this was certainly a glimpse into her state of consciousness. (See that? I disassociated myself from that being. Huh huh? Yeah, I'm over it too. But of course, the second that you say you are over it, you are technically speaking still under it - since we can never recognize when we are still ensconced in the space. Am I still talking? Shut up, Jen.)

K ... moving on ... so you read part 1 right? Moving onto part 1.5.

::Scooby doo beginning:: DOOBEY DOO DOOBEY DOO DOOBEY DOO!!!

Ready for what's in my ears? Here we go ... HIT IT KD!!!!!

This is a human condition.

Oh yeah and, PS ...

Love love love me some @jonathan360!! Good peeps. For reals, smart mofo! follow him!

Tangent, Jen! Tangent! QUIT WITH THE SHINY THINNGGSSS!!!

The day I moved in with the mentalist, albeit again, I will own the fact that it was under false pretenses in a certain regard - or uh, in every regard (don't hate a chick that goes after what she wants in life ... people, things, I will break down ANYYTHIINNNNGGGGG into doable actions and figure out how I can execute. It's my thing - I own it. Hence why things happen to me, I go and fucking get them.). I was going to be around this human being. I didn't know what he had, but I wanted more.

Alrite, so pre the English girls moving in, like literally the day I moved in - he called me and told me that he had this party that he had to go to. He said, well, if it does x for my career immediately, I am absolutely going to go, but otherwise, I am picking you up from the airport. I've been in relationships before, dude, at that point, had even spent a year living with a boy - but I'm WAYYYYY more of a career girl than anything. Business gets me off more than babies. Don't get me wrong, love love love me some kids, but in the here and the then (potentially even now, who knows - I personally rule nothing out in life. The SECOND that you do, life changes. I just am, and I am just being.), my constant was business before anything. He told me the entire situation, and I said go for it! This chick had invited him to this big "networking" party ... whatever, told him he should go for it, the airport was the airport - as long as I knew an address I could get to his place in no time.

I remember those words coming out of my mouth, I remember prolly even texting them to him as well - but when it came to the actual execution, I stood in the airport at LAX for 10 minutes looking for him. Literally. Like looking everywhere. I was a dreamer. I still am a dreamer, hahaha clearly, I'm in the social space, I'll always dream - but I remember collecting my pieces of luggage and subsequently getting into my super shuttle sans my Prince Charming, and tearing up. He is literally a professional magician - I half expected him to pop out of a back seat, pop out of the luggage claim, good lord, just pop out of a hat or something ... somewhere - I guess I really was going back to his place, sans him. He had told me where he left a key, and in I went.

Again, I told him, go do your work thing - but the me that used to live in fantasy land was incredibly hurt that this wasn't some ploy or wasn't some sort of something ... he really was at this event, with this chick, and wow, he wasn't here to pick me up. Amazing start to coming home, right? Welcome to my state of consciousness, and my version of reality. In my world, I couldn't imagine not meeting the person that you cared for at the airport to greet them with open arms - surprise or not ... the surprise was on me, ha ha! He really wasn't there!

He came back to his apartment, and literally the second that I saw him, nothing in this world mattered. The guy that I loved came home from wherever, to kiss me. Nothing at that time ever mattered to me, except where you slept. If you come home to the mama that brings the bacon, the rest is kosher (except bacon, cause bacon is like soooooo not kosher - but you get the point! MMMMMM quarter pounder with cheese DROOOL!!!!)

He was wearing this black suit that night, and good lord - talk about taking your breath away. I loved this human being, so much. Like, so, so, so much. The world spun - choirs started singing, I can literally remember the exact lighting (it was approximately 11:30 pm, but the lighting from the fountains in the courtyard lit the apartment that certain way - I only remember the time because I have photographic memory, and I remember hitting "guide" on his Uverse TV literally seconds prior to his arrival), the exact everything of when I laid eyes on this human being in that moment. The rest was bullshit. He was here - whoever that he was, this was happening.

*sigh*

I am sitting here typing this while still remembering how he smelled ... the gel in his hair, the look in his eyes - I loved him so much, and now we were living together. Anything that I ever thought was everything was just happening.

Want the honest to god truth? I'm actually tearing up thinking about that moment. He looked so good. so. so. so. good. I'm not having waterworks, but good lord, I'm right now in this moment reliving that head to SOUUULLLL feeling ... breathe Jen breathe. Standing next to his stereo, he looked so good. (Yeah, question my nerdiness? When it recalls one of the greatest moments of my life, I can still even tell you what CDs he had in his stereo. Nerds are born, not raised.) Had less to do with commercial attraction to anything, and just more of how he, that night, felt about himself. I felt it, man. I felt it. He was at the top of his game, I literally left Florida with a direct booking for a nationwide commercial that I turned down. I was like pppfffttt - if I can get that in this market, it's time to head back to LA. My confidence was at its highest, his confidence was at his highest - the awesomeness of life's reflectiveness was felt by all parties.

Dude, he looked so hot. Am I really being this big of a chick right now? Cause the female in me is recalling every moment of that everything ... and realizing that that moment alone - made life worth it. I loved someone from the depths of my soul, they loved me back, and in that moment, life was worth it - and we kissed.

Wow ... hold up a sec, I need a minute ... haha totally not even kidding. That was intense. I just shared that moment with the world. K ... moving on.

I remember that night sitting on his bed as he was undressing in his walk in closet that was just past the only bathroom that was attached to his bedroom - I said, how was the event? He went on and on about how lame it was, that the chick was weird, that he couldn't believe I was there ... with him ... in this moment.

Of course then we had sex. We actually had a lot of sex. Prolly the most amount of sex I have ever had with anyone. I'm a very passionate person - I assure you, that translates to each and every bit of your body. I may hustle til the cows come home, but I literally get off on the hustle. Translation: I am a horny bitch.

Also too, we had the best sex ever. Not honestly the best sex I have had til date, hahaha - the reins have been transferred ... but sex prior to him was about appeasing the dude. It was oh yes! oh yes! oh yes!!!!! Did you cum? For the first time in my life, I felt my own body. I felt my own sexuality - I very literally came into my own skin (literally and figuratively ::zing::) Having your first orgasm through penetration is an incredibly overwhelming experience to share with someone. Dudes are biologically conditioned to spread their seeds - women are conditioned to create a family - a bond. Plus too, I had an orgasm as a teen through my young adulthood (dry humping for females = best thing ever), but I very literally had never had an orgasm in front of another human being. This wasn't some porno, this was my actual life. A female orgasm has a sense of trust, and emotional connection to it. Less about the physical, more about the emotional. Translation: THIS WAS A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

He was my first. Not my first love, but my first orgasm from penetration, my first real ... something. The first time I very literally would have even tattooed a boy's name on my ass. Like literally - I am pretty sure I even said to him once, dude - I'll get your name tattooed on me ... my life became this human being. Was it oddly unhealthy? Prolly. Are you all reading this thinking I am nuts? Sure! But I am trying not to judge the words as they are coming out of my mouth, just accepting them as they are, and just letting them be. Yes, me with two very meaningful tattoos, and only those two tattoos, would have also had this duderinos name tattooed on my body. I know that's like rule number 2 for "what not to do in life as a female" - but I was very literally willing to tell the world for the rest of my life just HOW MUCH I loved this human being.

When you're a go big or go home kinda person, I assure you, that translates to every bit of your being. You love hard, you love deep - and the rest just is. I very. very. very. much loved this human being.

Whew, dudes, I am so not even kidding you when I say that this feels like THE MOST AMAZING THING EVVERRR to release these feelings for this individual ... but this is all documented in real time. There is a real chick right now, sitting in a spirithood, recalling all of these memories. I gotta get to bed. It's almost 4:30am. You have to understand this is also so UNBELIEVABLY absurd to me that I can still even recall all of these emotions for one single human being after they caused me such pain that I launched a brand, a nationwide tour, and oh yeah - a fucking pilot that's coming soon to a TV near you. Til the day I die, know this - I will never ever. ever. publicly say who this individual is. He's so fucked in the head, I assure you, it'll rock his socks off ... I've got one thing to say to you ...

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

You got all the bad karma you deserve you fucking asshole.

I'm bout to fuck yo' shit up!!!

Whew - wow, that felt amazing. hahaha! holy crap! that was inside of me? amazing!

k ... part two coming in the morning.

The chick he went to that party with turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes in his plan. Like for reals - if he had literally never, ever, ever, met that chick - he prolly would still be kosher with a lot of the shit he did ... this site may not even be around ... i may have had a tattoo of his name on my ass ... and the blowjob heard around the world, may not have even happened.

Gimme a few hours - and I'll give you all the rest. UGHHHHHHHHH this feels amazing to release.

Thank you.