#TwitterConfession: After two years, I'm still angry

Dec 3

I have a confession to make nerderinos. It came to me during the train ride, and even last week when I was meeting with the shaman - I don't know how to not still be angry at the mentalist.

I don't even want anything from him, I'm not looking for an apology - he was doing his thing.

I can see both sides now more than ever in my understanding of how people are at their core - however even with all of this knowledge in my back pocket, I'd love more than ever to still hit him.

One punch.

That's all. I don't even need to knock him out - just one punch.

One punch for being so humiliated.

One punch for being so foolish.

How stupid is it that it's been two years and I still have this anger? One would think the gift of this website would be enough, and for literally giving me my life's passion - but it's not. I run this website because I want to, I just so HAPPENED to have the energy because I was no longer helping his career and being in that dynamic.

I felt better writing about it months back - it felt AHHMAZINGGG to get the entire thing off my chest. However, now, I still get reminded of it every day with the emails. And while I am ELATED that I have been able to help so many of you with your heartbreak, it befuddles me that while mine has evolved, I am still not apathetic towards this person.

Yes, I have evolved from when I first heard the news and wanted to very literally rip him to shreds.
I have evolved from a few weeks later when I asked my dad if I could sue him for putting me in danger with his sexual promiscuity.
I have evolved past googling his name with the word "hate, player, and asshole" in the hopes of finding other women writing about him online.
I have evolved past feverishly checking his Facebook and twitter.
I have evolved in that I haven't talked to him in well over a year and some change.

With Noah (aka my first real heartbreak) it was easy. We dated in my early 20s, he knocked up the girl after me, and I had to learn to deal. I didn't even really see the need to write about it, although a few months back I did just out of sheer frustration with my current dating life.

I am VERY GENUINELY looking to better myself. With what I know of energy, I know my dating funk is me - I am just so confused on what my next doable action is. I am VERY grateful to be working with the shaman, but I feel like even being honest with myself and with this community that this person still angers me is also a part of that process.

He ripped my heart out.
He ABSOLUTELY humiliated me.

And it's horrible too when you're theoretically speaking intelligent - because people assume smart people would never do something like that - they would never involve themselves with a guy like that, because well, after all they are smart! But it's amazing with all of the writers that have come on board and discussed their own heartbreak, it seems more than anything that we are the ones that are prime picking for these scenarios.

I'm sure there are environmental factors - we were all picked on growing up, had no friends, little self esteem - got good grades, but always wanted to fit in.

It's fucked up, man.

Nothing is going to get better until I am honest with myself - and I'm honestly still angry, and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't actually hit him, well if given the opportunity, I wouldn't put it past me. I'm just not an angry person and this dark part of my personality hurts and I don't know how to heal it.

There you go TNTML. I'm at your mercy. I got over the mending of the broken heart - but how do you remove the energy all together? I've wished him well, I've meditated on it - I've done everything in my power, and I'm still wanting to punch him.

Alrite, I'll just put on some Limp Bizkit Break Stuff, visualize, and release.