#Fact: I have never been more humiliated in all of my life

Nov 6

Nerds, I have THE most embarrassing story to tell you all. Like for real, I told the dude involved I wouldn't write about it out of SHEER embarrassment ... but the artist in me CAN'T NOT write about it because it makes me uncomfortable ... and this situation just could not be any uglier.

OMG OMG OMG ... I am wanting to CRAWL out of my skin right now, I cried myself to sleep SO FUCKING HARD last night out of sheer embarrassment which is HILARIOUS because earlier in the evening I was totally drunk singing "Born this way" and not embarrassed at all.

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Lemme break everything down for you all ... and like most stories, this one started with a good old fashioned Nerd Herd aka TNTML's birthday party.

Here's what I'm listening to right now on Pandora, btw ...

Did you know we turned 2? Yeppers! Kinddddddddd of a big deal and kindddddddd of awesome.

I gathered everyone at The Brass Monkey karaoke bar in Koreatown. Cue Facebook places checkin ...

It's a super divey local spot that is known for it's ridiculous entertainment and its RIDICULOUS drink menu.

OMGGGGG!!! My head was spinning from all the bud light I drank while pregaming. WTF?! That thing was HUGE! (thats what she said)

So, we get there, my buddy Richard gave me and @itsmejoolie a ride (thanks again duderino!), and within like 30 seconds I'm drunk. HAHA I'm not even kidding you - I was like whispering to people how wasted I was. I was like shhhh! I can't be this intoxicated right now. It was rather awkward because their drinks were SO strong and EVERYONE KEPT BUYING THEM FOR ME!!! I was like wwhhhaaaatttt is going on here!! I'm grateful to see all of your faces but REALLY?!?!

Goodness. Gracious!

To my surprise holy fuck did we have quite the turn out.

DUDES!! IT'S THE SHAMAN!!!! You know you're doing something right in life when a modern day shaman comes to your party! YES YES YES YES YES YESSS!!!

I was very honestly incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude. It was no joke, man - I was slightly awkward with it. I very very very honestly only do what I do for myself. I've been writing all of my life, and now instead of keeping journals - I write a blog. It's rad because it holds me accountable for my actions, while at the same time appeasing my creativity which has to get channeled somewhere or it will literally drive me crazy. No ... for reals - crazy.

I live online because I grew up here. I didn't have friends growing up, I instead hung out with my grandparents friends and chatted with people online. DUDES I was CYBER-BABE on yahoo! circa 1997!!!!!! Like the original!!!!!! I was 12 and had no idea what it meant (and boy did I get surprised more than once) ... but this is my home. I am TOTALLY social in the space because this is my thing ... the notion of throwing a party, however, makes me not only want to jump out of my skin screaming for holy mercy the entire way out, I can literally get dry heaves. It's just not my thing ... which is WHY I DO IT!!!

In all my life, I have never been more humbled. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. at the party was filled with sooo much love, and sooo much respect for the community. Dudes, I couldn't even go PEE without people coming up to me saying how much they love the site, love following me on twitter - it was fucking weird and awesome all rolled into one. Every time I turned around I couldn't stop thanking people - and the people that showed up!! Even people that like totally had other plans surprised me by swinging by!! I mean blown. blown. blown. away.

At some level of blown-ness, @iamrachelwho @megcorbs and I got up and sang Born This Way by Ms. Gaga herself.

We took it very seriously ...

This picture describes all of our personalities SO well!! HAHAHAHA!! Look at how serious Rachel and I are taking this song, and how AH-MAZING Meg is by just enjoying it.

You go on wit' yo bad self!

Great song choice too because as we all know, nerds are products of genetic predispositions - so, bitches WE BE BORN THIS WAYYY!!!

So that happened.

Then around 12 we were all SUPER sch-wasted (their. drinks. are. ridiculous.) so we decided to peace in the middle east.

A friend of mine gave me a ride back, and on the way - I got hit up with a text from Hot Startup.

I got excited, because ... well, I'm a chick, and that's what we do ... he was congratulating me on the success of the site, and wanted to make sure I got home okay. I texted him back and told him he could swing by when he was done with work. (As you all know, startups are wonky and include working all hours all days of the week - so he couldn't make it to the party, but was there in spirit.)

Me and Julie then get dropped off back at the place, and a few minutes later Hot Startup rolls in. I met him downstairs to give him the permit (our apartment area is in a restricted locals only zone - so you have to have a permit to park anywhere), and after practically pulling him upstairs by the collar, he comes inside the apartment.

Mind you, I haven't had casual sex in MONTHS, but I dug this guy and didn't know where I wanted things to go - but after our hot 11th grade make out session, knew the general direction I wanted it to go in.

We go into my room ...

<tangent> This is something I NEVER DO btw!! I never ever ever bring guys to my apartment. I will go there, but I hate hate HAAAATTTEEE bringing guys to my place. I share my life with the world, my bed is for me and it's my space; I can count all of the people I've ever let spend the night on one hand. </tangent>

... and I am shamelessly throwing myself at him. Like shame-less-ly.

He then starts looking at some of my decorations and briefly starts making small talk.

I hook up my iPad to my Boston speakers to get some music going. OKKKAAAYYY I think, this is kinda weird - but music will help, and also drown out some of the sounds ... ::wink wink::

We then start making out, he pulls my clothes off, and I take his shirt off. Then he goes down on me for a minute.

Now at that point, I am WAYYYY too turned on to be gone down on. Like for real - I haven't had sex in a while, all I wanna do is bone, so let's just fucking get to it.

I lift my body up from the bed and ask if he has a condom.

He pauses for a moment, and then replies the worst sentence ANYONE can EVER utter in that scenario ...

::dramatic pause::

omg - I can't even believe I am typing this ...

"Where do you think this is going?"

Where do I THINK this is going?? Well right now I think I want your penis inside of my vagina.

You literally could have knocked me over with a feather.

Was.

Shocked.

Here I am ... totally naked ... a guy in my room ... I am LITERALLY on this kid's face ... and he's asking me, where do I think this is going?

He then follows it up with - I'm not looking for anything serious.

I start stuttering - literally.

I ... I ... I ... don't know if I am either, but this isn't really the time for this conversation I thought.

Out of all of my stuttering I was able to get out ... I ... need ... dressed.

I reach over and grab my hoodie as tears involuntarily pour from my eyes.

Like ... literally - I had ZERO control over it.

Dating for me is a very very very sensitive thing. I suck at it - and here I am in an INCREDIBLY vulnerable scenario not really sure where I wanted things to go with this dude, but confident that RIGHT NOW was not the time to figure it out.

I wanted to leave so badly, but then I remembered - wait, this is my apartment. I can't ask him to leave though, that seems a bit rude ... but HELL YES he needs to go!! How was THAT not rude?!?!

Fortunately, after staring at me for a moment he says - I'll get my things together.

I don't think I've said YEAH faster in my entire life.

I was so shocked. So. So. SO shocked, and now I'm half naked in the most vulnerable position ever after having the most incredible night ever filled with love and laughter crying in the dark praying he can't see me.

As if the moment couldn't get any more awkward though - my phone then starts blowing up with some random ass dude from OKC. I literally have no idea who it was, but Andy from OKC - you sir have the WORST. TIMING. EVER. Really? Why would someone be texting me at that hour? Clearly he was looking to get some - but clearly he was also dialing the wrong "Jen" because I've never hooked up with an Andy from OKC. Wait ... ::thinks about it:: ... nope, no Andy.

He then gets his things together, I shield my face from the door as it opens and light crawls into the room.

Wait, I think - the fucking parking permit.

I'll be right back with the permit, he says.

OMMMGGGGGG I have to see you again in 5 minutes. NOOO please just leave leave leave leave.

He walks out the front door and I immediately become hysterical.

Like hysterical. hysterical - inconsolable ... everything my body was doing was involuntary.

And I'm not talking about pretty girl crying either - this was level baby sea lion.

I. Was. Hysterical.

I have never been so humiliated I thought. Why did he even come here in the first place?? It's 1am! What did he THINK we were going to do knit a fucking sweater???

My phone then rings indicating that he was outside - I don't hear it over the hysterical cries I was making but rather see the light.

It goes to voicemail before I can catch it, but rather than call him back I just walked downstairs. I put the hoodie up over my head to shield my mascara tear stained cheeks.

His window was rolled down ... I walk up to the car and grab the pass from him.

I'm sorry - he says.

Yep yep, I reply absolutely incapable of proper speech.

I run back inside and sob and sob and sob and sob.

My phone then beeps ... I look down, it's a text from him.

By the time I hit sent the my phone was already covered in tears.

I ran into my room where I cried so hard I passed out on my bed, and all throughout the night I kept waking up and sobbing some more - I literally couldn't stop.

Then around 9 am this morning, realizing that crying anymore was no longer an option due to dehydration - I instead opted to go for a walk to Trader Joes to get some food.

It's a solid walk, but a good one.

In a dramatic fashion however, of course it was pouring and absolutely FREEZING!!

So, there I am walking down the street with Sith like, puffy eyes, and the slightest hint of eye liner still remaining standing in the freezing rain waiting for the light to turn.

This is what my life has come to, I thought. I gave up casual sex, then was going to take something to another level with someone, a level I hadn't honestly even THOUGHT fully through yet - and the universe instead slaps it down.

I then get to Trader Joes and am greeted by this duderino that totally has a hard on for me. Like SUPPPERRRRR adorable SUPPPEERRRRR sweet guy, but he very literally walks around with a drool cup every time I'm at TJs. It's hilarious, totally flattering, and honestly if it wasn't my local TJ's I might even go out with the guy - for reals, I just can't do the whole shit where you eat thing. If we go out on a date and it is weird or whatever, I am then going to have to see him a few times a week. It's going to get awkward, and well ... isn't cantaloupe shopping awkward enough to begin with?

I then go up to the cash register to pay (which of course he rings me up), and smile sweetly as I pay.

Dude, really really really appreciate you - I think, but NOT. NOW.

Have a great day! he says checking me out as I walk out the door.

How is this my life, I thought. There are great guys everywhere, but what in me attracted this scenario. Out of 103 dates in 9 months it taught me that life was reflective and the root of attraction isn't in someone else - but rather it's inside of you.

As the rain pours down soaking my hoodie, I then flip the next song on Spotify and it's Chumbawumba Tubthumping.

The lyrics pierce my soul.

I get knocked down ... but I get up again ... you're never going to keep me down.

You're right, Chumbawumba - I think. Last night, I got knocked down - but this morning, I got RIGHT back up again! (Dudes, if there is one thing I can pride myself in it is being fiercely resilient. I. Don't. Give. Up. Ever.)

No guy is going to keep me down, I just have to go inside of myself and do some more internal work to attract more like energy.

I will figure this out, and I WILL find a guy - but it all starts with me. I just have to figure out what my next doable action is.

Shaman?? Oh SHAAAAMANNN!! Are you there??

#staytuned

Special thanks to eveyone that came out last night!! Seriously, from the depths of my everything - I am so unbelievably grateful for all the love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. xoxoxxoxo