#WTF: About last night ... Can I get a rundown? (Things that should never be said on a date)

Nov 22

Oh goodness. Oh goodness. Oh goodness. I had definitely one of the weirdest dates of my life last night.

I'll preface this by saying he's a SUPPPPEERRRRRR sweet guy, like super super super sweet guy - but FUCCKKKKKKK what was he thinking!?!

OMG I am cringing writing this. Breathe Friel breathe ... let's get a song to go with this post.

HA! Okay, I'm not mad at Offspring.

So, on Sunday night I got hit up on twitter by this duderino that said he was going to be in LA and would love to grab dinner.

I very honestly normally don't get asked out on twitter. All dudes that ever want to ask me out know to use OKC. (Especially after my Accidental Date - that was weird.) Guys will flirt with me of course, and I will flirt back - but it's pretty harmless.

This guy very literally came out of NOWHERE and just said something along the lines of let's have dinner Monday!

I checked out his twitter and linkedin - saw that to have that many followers you can't be too fucking insane, so sure! Let's give this a go.

Wasn't sure at that point if I was committing to a date, or a meeting - but said, fine either way knowing I have to eat dinner at some point, and eating dinner with someone is something I enjoy.

I left the office a bit early, biked my asssssssssssss off getting home, and then arranged to meet him at Barneys at 8.

I got there a little before him, so I snagged a bud light (draft) and waited for him.

Knowing that the dude was following me already on twitter - I didn't want to tweet out my reservations about what I was walking into, so I instead opted to post on my Facebook wall my dilemma.

Moments later he arrived dressed up and smelling of Acqua di Gio.

Yep - date.

I go in for the confident hug to negate any awkwardness of people wondering if they should shake my hand or hug me - FTR, I'm a hugger.

We sit down, I order another bud light, and he orders a pineapple juice. He had been speaking all day at a conference of some sort and wanted to heal his throat.

Fine, I thought.

He then starts talking telling me about his day.

Immediately though, I could tell this dude wasn't exactly "nervous" per say, but he was "on." He's a performer. You can tell with his gestures, and over the top presence - it's almost childlike actually but you can tell it was a defense mechanism.

This is going to be fun, I thought. Never had one of these!

I settle into the booth as I continue to sip my beer.

He goes on and on telling me about the conference, but he's talking so much I stop him and ask him point blank - exactly what is it that you do? Do you speak at conferences? Is this a thing?

No! He then continued on explaining with confidence and "performing" but actually lacking any meat.

I cut in again realizing he's not quite getting what I'm asking - so, tell me what does your business card say.

He then takes the back off of his iPhone and hands me his business card.

I stare at it - it's 3 fancy pant sounding words that sort of explain, but still seem a bit ... out there.

Alrite, I give up, I think - just let him talk.

He then continues, and I stop listening to the words coming out of his mouth but rather focus on his body language. Very very very over the top. It's like he wants to ensure that I am really understanding the emphasis of every word he is getting. He's going into such great detail telling me every bit of his life, at this point I had literally spoken less than 20 words.

Prior to the date I had looked this guy up on Facebook (again to confirm he wasn't a serial killer since this wasn't an OKC date), and I remembered in his pictures noticing that he had terribly sad eyes. It was incredible seeing in person how true this was, but howwwww muucchhhhhhhhh he didn't want anyone to know.

Obviously not wanting to point out a soft spot in anyone's life (hey, man, we've all got problems) - I continue to smile and nod.

He then tells me how he had traveled to India and had one picture to show me to help me understand India as a whole.

He takes out his iPhone pulling up instagram and asks me to move over into the booth more so he could squeeze in.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG, I think. DO. NOT. TOUCH. ME.

That's my thing that I am looking to resolve, but still have problems with. On a first date, do not under ANNNNYYYYYYY set of circumstances touch me until I have touched you. Like PERIOD END OF SENTENCE I do not do not DOOOOOO NOOOOOTTTTTT like to be touched. Funny because I'm such a voyeur and put my life online all day every day, but when it comes to being touched by dudes - I fucking FREAK! Do not touch me until I have touched you - period end of sentence. I'm like a dog, I have to sniff you out first. Hence why I dig hoodies and headphones, if I can't physically put a wall between me and other people, I will find a way to create my own little world and drift off into it.

He clearly didn't know, so whatever, I sat there for LITERALLY 10 minutes as he went through picture by picture in his phone. Remember back in the day people would invite you over to go through the vacation slides? (I don't really know what day that was - but it apparently happened ...) That was this! He was going through picture by picture and asking me with each one, what do you think the caption should be for this?

I'm witty all day every day - can I please just turn it off? I finally protested after 30 "I really don't knows."

The entire time however, I was just thinking please please please please please for the love of all things holy go back to your side of the booth. My body was physically SOOOO TENSE!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG this is my worst nightmare. You are not allowed to be on the same side of the booth as me right now.

He finally stopped two seconds before I was going to excuse myself to use the restroom and then gingerly position myself on the other side of the table from him.

Would you like me to go back over to the other side now, he asked?

YES!!!!!! I wanted to scream. But fortunately, why that would be great - was what actually escaped my mouth.

Good job Friel, good job. Keep it cool - be like the cucumber.

Conversation about travels continued. I explained to him how I traveled with just $10 to my name for a year and now continue to travel through corporate sponsorship.

He then said, oh I've done the homeless thing before!

Really? my interest peaked - not many people have had that life experience, but it really does teach you a LOT!

Yeah, when I was a kid.

Oh wow, I said. I'm really sorry - genuinely at a loss for words, no kid should ever be homeless, man.

It's okay, he said. My family all died, so yeah.

I continue to stare at him. Did he just say that? Was that a joke? Wait, no it wasn't - it was just the "performer" type persona. Oh fuck, say something ...

Wow, sorry.

We then go to order our meals, I order a sandwich and try a cup of the turkey chili. He orders the veggie chili.

He then tells me and our server how he can't eat meat because of a food allergy and how he had food poisoning for 36 hours.

OMG, is this happening? I thought. I really really really really really don't want to think about this right now.

I smile and nod not wanting to appear upset and hurt his feelings.

OMMMMMGGGGGGG there are so many epic fails in this date. Why is he bringing up the family drama, on top of food issues???

The waitress then brought over my diet coke to go with the meal. As she puts it down on the table he pipes up and goes, I'm horribly allergic to the artificial sweetener in sodas.

Aspartame? I say as I take a sip and wonder are you so horribly allergic I should not be drinking this right now? Or is this another god awful story that should be saved for the day after I leave this earth.

I noticed he didn't flinch when I took a drink, so I was okay to at least continue sipping.

Now trust, it is one thing to have food allergies, and family drama - TRUST! I get it. It is ANOOTTHHHEERRRRR to bring it up on a date. Never ever ever ever ever. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!!! I kept thinking the entire time, what else is wrong with this guy?

After dinner, we started playing a music trivia game on what our favorite songs were.

This is GREAT! I thought! Way to end the evening on a high note, I love love love music.

We then start naming song after song.

Some of my favs included Bloc Party, Banquet, to Livin on the Edge, Aerosmith, to even Zero by the yeah yeah yeahs.

He named a few good ones as well from Depeche Mode, to Modern English - then he threw in some embarrassing ones, from Hilary Duff to Taylor Swift.

And of course, he continued, there's Demi Lovato. Especially after she came clean about going to rehab for cutting. I was suicidal when I was around 8.

OMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGG I thought. No more!!! NO MORE!!!

I then proceeded to put on my spirithood, and headphones as if to say ... yep, I'm ready to go.

He asked where our next adventure was.

Next adventure? Dude, I've had a 3 hour dinner with you. I have the most HARDCORE ADD and I haven't been multitasking at all for the last 180 minutes. My full attention has been ALL on you, and now I am tired, and still have work to do when I get home.

I explain only the work part to him, but thank him profusely for the dinner (he paid, since he said he was the one that asked for the date).

He then asks if he can take a picture of me.

Really? I think - isn't this supposed to be a date? Now you're putting me on a platform, and this is getting weird.

Like I'd expect anything else from this date I thought?

He then starts taking pictures of me - I smile, trying to remove all cheese.

After 4 or 5 shots he then instructs me to scoot over and take one with me.

OMG OMG OMG - touching. me. OMG OMG OMG

I smile, trying not to let my tense body show in the capture.

He takes a few shots, shows me how he can edit them directly on the phone - and as I am putting the spirithood around my neck, he catches the hint and asks if he can give me a ride home.

No thank you, I say, I genuinely enjoy the walk - it's a bit far, but I need to burn off the calories in the sandwich.

No, I insist he said, I'd like to tell you about the time I was in Japan when I was 17.

OMMMMGGGGG I think.

It wasn't even just his stories at that point, to be honest, I just genuinely enjoy the "me" time, and I genuinely enjoy going off into my little happy place; it's my thing - let me do it.

No, I explain to him - I will be walking back, thank you.

No, he pushes EVEN FURTHER - I have to, I insist.

Well I insist that I insist, I say. This is getting awkward I think. I'm literally just going to walk outside at this point.

He catches a hint, and then asks me if I can go to the car at least while he waits for the valet to show me a video.

Tweet it to me, I say.

No, I need to show it to you.

I stare back at him wondering - is this kid for fucking real? Do you not understand the word, no? I'm really really really trying to be polite. I genuinely enjoy people reaching out, and I am very grateful for the dinner - but now this is entering a stage of me wanting to open up a can of fucking whoop ass. You are not only making me awkward, you are straight up angering the fuck out of me.

He opens up YouTube on his iPhone. Here's its a 6 minute video he said.

You have 30 seconds, I say sternly.

I place the headphones over my ears and listen to the video.

30 seconds go by, his car arrives.

I hug him handing him back the iPhone. Thank you for the evening, the dinner was delicious.

Thank you! He said.

I pull back and go in for a second hug. I genuinely just felt bad for the kid. Not in like a weird condescending manner - but I wonder how lonely he must feel. He talked the entire night, telling me three hours worth of stories, and crazy drama from his past - he must have a lot of first dates, and not wonder why.

Great guy, but just needs to get some more of his house in order. You should never ever EEEVVVEERRRR reveal that kind of information on a first date. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!!

And the whole insisting to drop me off - dude get a clue. I was over it, I really wanted to go - so let me go!

I then start to walk off as he goes into his car. I make it down a block about to cross the street and I see the car about to turn, stop dead in it's tracks. That's weird I thought. Must be my spirithood - people give this thing a lot of weird looks.

Then I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Here! My date says. I got you a t-shirt.

Oh, thank you - I say, not sure where this is going. I look at the shirt, it says NERD.

Thank you, this is very kind of you.

Enjoy! He says with a little extra kick in his step.

I put the headphones back on and walk home.

OMG that was so many levels of bad - I don't even know.

And now I have a t-shirt. Thank you. Excuse me while I go and suffocate myself with it.

Tips for dudes:

1. Leave the baggage at the door. Do not ever ever EVVVEERRRR bring up family, childhood drama. It makes your date feel awkward.

2. If you've tried to kill yourself in the past - rad! Glad you're still here, but don't tell that to your date. Again, where is she going to go with it? Do you really want your date to feel sorry for you?

3. Unless your food allergies are pertinent to the dinner being had, don't say a damn thing. Like for reals - unless I had to remove my diet coke because you cant breathe the air touching it - leave it at the door, man. Chicks don't care.

4. Keep stories to a minimum on a first date. Chicks want to talk about themselves. Literally!! I tell this to my guy friends ALLLL the time! Want to get into a chick's pants? Get her talking about herself ALLLLLL evening. She'll ADORE the attention and totally love you for it - thinking to herself, WOW! what a GREAT listener! Meanwhile, all you have to do is pick out one important detail so you can ask her to elaborate when she comes up for a breath. Otherwise you can just pull a homer and tune her out ...