Meghan's Metamorphosis: How to not be a slob
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MsMeghanBrown
1. Hit rock bottom. Come home to a filthy kitchen and no clean clothes. Notice that your Internet's been turned off. Convince yourself you paid the bill. I mean, you remember writing the check, right? Oh, wait, no. You're out of checks. And stamps. Find the unpaid bill under a bunch of beer bottles that have been sitting on your counter for a few days. Muster some righteous indignation (and maybe a lie or two) as you prep to call the ATT&T people to get the Internet turned back on... then remember that you can't call them, because your phone's broken and you've been too lazy to take it in. Go take a shower to calm down. See that you're out of facewash. And soap. Wish for a fresh start. You're ready now.
2. Do what you can, and do it quickly. Give yourself a half hour to clean as much as humanly possible. A half an hour isn't so bad, right? Clean the shit out of that half hour. Play Robyn's "Body Talk" album, put on a gross t-shirt and get in the zone. Run bags to the dumpster. Throw in that first load of laundry. Make a stack of unread mail. Put things in vaguely organized piles.
3. Feel better already. Decide that cleaning isn't so bad. Cancel your plans to go to drinks with your friends. This is important. Clean for another hour. Scrub things. Throw stuff away. Go through those piles.
4. Wash your bedding. It's time. Seriously. Don't be gross.
5. Feel oddly euphoric. It's not the bleach you're using to deep clean your tub (though, good job on that--way to take initiative). That freaky happy feeling? IT'S CALLED GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Enjoy it. Clean for however long it takes. Clean til it's done.
6. Make the scary list. Now that your space is at least halfway decent, commit to the next level of not-slob. Sit down and take stock of every last thing you need to do to make your life work. No task is too big or too small. What still needs cleaning/organizing? What do you need to buy? What annoying tasks have you been procrastinating on?
7. Pick a day to be superhuman. Devote the whole day (THE WHOLE DAY) to your scary list. Get your car smog checked. Buy everything you're out of at Target. Wait in line at the post office to mail that weird annoying thing you've been forgetting to mail (and while you're at it, BUY THOSE STAMPS). Do some preemptive purchasing. Do you always run out of conditioner? Buy two bottles. Call in refills on prescriptions BEFORE you're already run out. Fill up your gas tank BEFORE you're at empty. Take this time to take care of the small annoyances. Does your printer not work? Take an hour and try to fix it. Send every last email. Make those annoying calls.
8. Take legitimate stock of the worst parts of your life. What's your bank balance? How much do you owe on your credit card? When is your car registration due? Put every scary date into your calendar. Make a plan and stick to it. Not knowing is the world.
8. Freak out on how good you feel. Make a healthy grown-up dinner. Do your dishes right away. Light a candle. Listen to music and read instead of defaulting to bad TV-on-the-Internet. Realize that the quality of your life is your responsibility.
9. Accept the fact that this is a process. You're going to have to keep doing the work. A week of not being a slob doesn't mean anything. This is your life now. Make some rules. Now that you're caught up, you want to stay that way. Commit to small rituals. Open your mail every day. Pay every bill as soon as possible. Use Mint.com to track your budget. Remember what shambles your life was in just a week ago and vow never to go back.
10. Keep that vow. Revel in your preparedness. Smile looking at your spotless floors. Yum.