#Fact: The only person I've been fighting is myself
Fuck man. What a gnarly, gnarly couple of months this has been.
In all my life my eyes have never been more open, and the awareness has made me want to retreat. My walls are down ... I'm totally vulnerable ... and for the first time, the only person I'm fighting is myself.
I had a series of epiphanies at the end of last year that confused me greatly.
I jarringly realized that I could never be fulfilled solely focusing on professional ventures.
Being an overachiever as a youth, and a workaholic as an adult obviously made none of that sit well.
I kept seeking validation in "being that girl that did that thing." I had to keep working and keep building something that was bigger than me so I felt better on the inside. You go, go, go ... work, work, work, ... do, do, do because you're afraid to be still, and afraid to sit with yourself.
Even if you're a loner (like I've always considered myself to be) ... EVEN WHEN I'm alone the thought processes operating in my head move at 7,000 mph. My feet are always bopping around, my hands jitter causing me to always have some sort of hair tie to play with just so I can expel some more of that energy.
The energy inside my body runs because it is afraid, and it wants to just keep moving to prove its worth, and value.
Things have been quiet around here lately, but it's extremely intentional. The business end of it hasn't slowed down remotely. Quite the opposite actually, but instead of shouting and saying yay yay yay! look I did this!!! Let's do more!!! I'm making an extremely, extremely conscious and honest effort to do what I genuinely think is best versus what is going to benefit me solely as the person that built this.
I'm not operating from a place of humility, I'm operating from a place of fear, and I'm not sure how okay I am with that anymore.
Even with the contest I announced after Coachella. It hit me shortly after that I was benefiting the most from it all. Everyone kept emailing me, and commenting on how kind I was to just donate what turned out to be over a grand worth of electronics.
Yes, you can view it as charitable but what I gained were a bunch more twitter followers, Facebook subscribers, and Facebook likes. I was praised by everyone for being so generous but even from a business perspective I actually gained the most. I couldn't have bought that kind of super fast, extremely extremely positive exposure. Well, technically speaking you always can, but for 1K worth of the gift bag? No way.
The intention was there, but the moment I became aware of what I actually did I FREAKED.
I was in my heart operating from a good place, but fear crept in and wanted to prove value and worth.
<tangent> It's funny how loners complain how lonely they are when in reality, they were the ones that created it.
Sure, no one wants to be lonely ::cue Ricky martin:: ...
But we're the ones that put up the walls. We're the ones that isolate ourselves in our heads and hearts for protective purposes, but in the end it starts to eat you alive.
I kept saying for most of my life that "no one could relate" or, ppfftttt "if they only knew."
Certainly the human experience is different for us all, but we all have our own emotional journeys and none of them should be negated.
I just kept going back to that place, and kept going back to these walls.
What I've learned is that if I keep operating from a place of fear you can never actually progress and never actually change. Becoming aware allows you to gain back your power and that ... force ... can be channeled into some seriously positive perspective changes.
It wasn't that people couldn't relate to me, it was that I pushed everyone so far away I never allowed them a chance. I fought and fought and fought ... and trust, I'm a scrappy bitch. </tangent>
(Contest winners will be announced tomorrow be tee dubs.)
Everything is like a game of chess to me. From a super super early age I was able to look at a situation and figure out how to manipulate it and get whatever it was that I wanted. I don't even necessarily say that in a derogatory manner. It's extremely matter of fact, and how I am wired as a human being.
My biggest issue is that I was still doing all of this to "get to that next level," and to maybe ... just maaayyybbbeeee finally feel validated, and maayyyybbbbeeee all of this fear and inadequacy will go away.
What the fuck is the "next level?"
I very honestly have absolutely, absolutely everything I was seeking when I started this website.
I have the popularity I was after. I have insanely wild stories that I can go to my grave with. None of that though is operating from a place of humility. I did it to put myself up on a pedestal to go TA DA!!!! Look how awesome I am! If I truly did feel that awesome though, would I have to go around and proclaim it? And going back to the popularity component, all it did was actually isolate me even more. You become "the chick with the blog." You have interesting stories to tell at a party, but it doesn't actually translate to anything deeper. It is an extremely, extremely sanitized existence that is STILL saturated in fear.
I don't want that ... at all.
At all at all.
At all at all at all at all at all at all.
I wasn't even aware that that was what I was doing. I'm a 28 year old that still cries over getting picked last for kickball. What if I just high fived my little self saying good job, but we're onto another chapter. No need to keep focusing on this, because it's not you anymore. Just let it all go.
I'm in a position now where I can actually use all of this to make a difference. A true, true difference.
I want to inspire others to just be a fucking better human being. To go explore their own awareness, to go on their own journeys (and of course document since there is something SUPPEERRR powerful about having stamped this moment in time of exactly what you were thinking/ feeling).
I don't want this to just benefit me anymore. One, because it doesn't work anyway ... but two, because it's a beautiful thing to lead by example and be able to be blessed with the ability to transform other people's lives.
I've totally just woken up, and I am sincerely, sincerely, grateful to all of you. It's time for me though to stop talking and start doing. I very much want to help others. From a transparent place, I don't know what that is going to look like just yet, or how exactly I am going to facilitate it ... but that part I know to trust and know that once you're in a clear headspace anything is possible. It's in front of me right now, I just have to move around the pieces and keep my own integrity in check.
Step one in this process though was stopping the fight within myself. I don't need to fight. I don't need to have all of these walls up. I just need to deal, and like my tattoo says learn to float a bit more.
Embrace the journey, embrace just being. Stop fighting. No need to be afraid anymore.
#thatisall
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