#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You discover the hard way that nobody messes with the Jesus
oh goodness do I love this movie, and it's not only one of my favorite quotes from it BUT completely describes my day. As usual, I thought I had a plan, but life took over and well ... I'm kinda glad it did.
Here's the song that goes with the post ...
The dating detox I did in January truly turned out to be a turning point. I finally stopped serial dating, and finally stopped "seeking." I've been so focused for so long on GENUINELY looking for someone that I needed to just slow my roll and figure out what I had to offer a dude. Sure, I gotz the big ol' noggin that serves a purpose, and major major cred in LA for being known on the interwebz but that's all professional. I complained that dudes wanted me just so I'd give them advice on their businesses, but was I happy with my appearance? Was I taking care of myself emotionally, physically, and loving to myself?
I finished the detox and fortunately wound up getting very busy with work. If I allow myself, I could very honestly work every second of every day. Between writing, running the business behind the scenes, meetings in general, and other projects I am now involved in, I have ZERO problem occupying my time. The problem that I learned with that though last year, is that I will never be fulfilled as a person until I find balance. I can't just feel successful as a person without understanding who I was at my core.
My core nags me on a semi-regular basis that I need to "settle down." Like I've said, I have a few more professional goals, but the MAJORITY of my 5 year plan is all about finding my partner in crime and popping out however many babies I can from my belly. It's strange that even a few years ago, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Yes, I was a nanny, worked at a day camp growing up, and a day care (kids LOVE me) but I just assumed I was more of a business person than family chica. I thought maternal instincts were TOTAL bullshit, but mark.my.word. you get to your later 20s and your womb starts SHOUTING at you on an animalistic level ... GIVE ME BABYYYYY!!! You know you want it!!!!!! My friends make fun of me for cooing at kids when I see them on the street.
Really? Again Jen, they say.
Oh evolution, you are quite awesome.
The only problem with getting to "that" place is that it's something that I can't control. I've dated half of Los Angeles and became extremely aware, but even turning it into a numbers game didn't work. My only option was to focus on the detox and focus on self. Knowing that inner child work was going to be part of that package, I was a bit hesitant.
Knowing that my life depended on it though, I decided to focus and just figure this the fuck out.
Yes, I'm scared.
Yes, this is going to be uncomfortable.
But LIKE ENERGY ATTRACTS!!!! How was I ever going to meet what I would label "a good guy" (I have extremely high standards) until I became whole myself.
The process over the last few weeks has been maddening. I catch myself crying randomly all over the place as I am feeling vulnerable for the first time in my adult life. Being vulnerable as a child taught me that I was going to be attacked either verbally or physically. I quickly learned to compartmentalize all of my emotions to appear "stronger" than whoever came at me, and even learned how to box when I was being stalked physically. (Hence also why I didn't even bat an eye at pulling the knife on that dude when he broke into my parent's condo. You just "know" how to be prepared.)
I say all of that to sound tough, but I was scared shitless. I was a very very scared child. Scared of my own shadow, scared of literally anyone that got close to me (since it was friends, family, and even the family doctor) that harmed me. It was a learned behavior to stop being so shy and become acquaintances with as many people as I could to appease the extrovert inside of me. (Sound familiar with what I did with this brand? COPING MECHANISM!!)
To allow myself now, at 28, to be INSANELY authentic and ARTICULATE everything that I want is ... insane. I don't know how to do this!!! I'm very very good at doing it in business, but in my personal life? I go from working to working out to passing out. That's my life and that's what I do. To now talk to friends, and I mean ... really .... talk to my friends about things is a jolt to my system.
I feel so awkward now relishing in all this honesty. My instincts have taught me that the second I feel exposed to just hide, and that's no longer an option.
I'm here. I'm present. And I'm ready for more.
Saturday night, I went out to Silverlake for The Modern Day Shaman's birthday.
I'm always SO thankful when I get to spend time with him, and even MORE thankful for all the incredible work he has helped me through.
He didn't bat an eye at reaching out to me after he read the 103 dates in 9 months two years ago. We spent a year working together, and I genuinely, genuinely, wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for him.
Big fan ... huge fan of his, and will embrace the karma credits knowing that I will make sure he is taken care of BIG time in the near future.
I met all of his friends, whom were quite lovely, but by 12 was exhausted and ready to head back home.
I went back to the valet to get my car, and the guy I handed the card to asked me if I was married.
Are you with someone, he asked candidly?
Yes, I said I have friends here.
No, he quickly replied back. I mean, are you married?
I shook my head no saying I am focusing on self.
Self? he said. So you're single?
Yes, I replied back.
He then ran to get my beetle and came back opening my door.
I want to marry you, he said pretending to get down on one knee.
I gave him a few extra dollars as a tip and thanked him for the smile.
I closed my door and laughed. I get proposed to randomly on the street at LEAST once every few weeks now. I'm no DOUBT sending out "that energy" but I still need to focus on more of what I offer to the equation.
Like any relationship, partnership, merging of any kind ... it's never going to fix you. I do KNOW that relationships can help you become a better person, but you have to understand what your value is and also be whole yourself.
No man should EVER complete you, but they should compliment you.
The part in all of this that frustrates me however, is understanding when all of this is done. There's a Japanese proverb that I've always responded to saying, "before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water." You can know everything and nothing and you STILL have to go through the day to day.
The only thing that I think makes sense in this process is understanding that while you are on the path, if your intentions are genuinely true of course, you may find someone. Love is SUUUCCHHHH a beautiful thing, and works in CRAZY AWESOME ways ... and I have to have to have to believe all of this is going to be worth it someday. It already has meant the WORLD to me, but when does someone come along to share it with?
I came home and went to bed, deciding to sleep in until almost noon. My sleep was interrupted ALL last night with this strange excitement and anticipation that this vulnerability and authenticity was "actually" a good thing.
I'm becoming a much more warmer person, I thought. I'm reverting back to who I am at my core and that loving little girl that fed ducks, drove her boat, picked blueberries, and wrote until her hand hurt in her journal.
I finally dragged myself out of bed and started up my Macbook Pro Retina.
While I waited I updated my Facebook status ...
<tangent> I've never been a religious person. I've ALWAYS been spiritual and always felt "connected" in that regard, but when it comes to organized religion? I've never bought into it. In fact, I vividly remember being 7 and asking my parents who wrote the bible?
What do you mean who wrote the bible? asked my parents.
Who wrote it? Like wrote it wrote it? I pressed.
God wrote the bible, said my father.
But god lives up there, I said pointing to the clouds. How did we get it here?
Well, he said, it's the word of god spoken through man.
Kinda grasping what he was saying, I continued, so it's like the game of Telephone?
21 years later and my parents still don't have an answer to that question. They've actually stopped going to church as well, but it just never made sense to me. I have NOOOOO problem with anyone that believes in it - in fact, more power to ya!! If you have something you believe in, and something that makes sense to you, AWESOME!!! For me though, it's always been an energetic thing. Never structured. </tangent>
I then went back to my computer, sitting down at my desk.
AHH, I said, ready to spend the day writing finishing up my book proposal.
As I entered in my password, I noticed the computer freezing slightly.
Before the thought fully processed though, this grey screen populated telling me the computer needed to reset.
Weird, I thought, but I gave it some breathing room deciding to grab a glass of diet coke while I waited.
I came back to the computer and saw that it had shut down.
I tried to reboot it and instead of it starting up I heard 3 really loud beeps.
NOOOOOOO!!!!! I thought, not thinking but KNOWING this was not good.
I then waited for the battery to fully drain and reached out to some of my tech peeps.
I had done my own google research, of course, but it seemed indicative of it being a RAM issue, and my macbook retina is the new one that has everything soddered in. Even if that is the problem, I'm kinda fucked.
I laughed thinking back to my Facebook status.
I guess zombie Jesus heard me and didn't like what I had to say.
Zombie Jesus: 1 Jen Friel: 0
After being unsuccessful at reaching some friends, I decided to just find an open mac shop in Hollywood and figure it out for myself.
I took it to one on Santa Monica, and was instructed to just take it into the Apple store.
It's under warranty he said, if we touch it it could void that.
No problemo! I said getting back in my car and driving over to the Grove.
I knew at this point it was going to be a polarizing situation. Either The Grove was going to be dead because of Easter Sunday, or INSANELY busy.
Guess which one it was?!??!
My love of crowds caused a lot of anxiety, but I sucked it up finally getting to the Genius Bar.
Do you have an appointment? Asked the guy.
No, I said. This emergency just occurred and I wanted to press my luck.
He then told me they were slammed but if I came back around 4 he might be able to get someone to see me.
GREAT, I said. Thanks so so much!!!
I then left the Apple store, looking down at my watch and realizing I have an hour to kill.
To further the "self love," I decided to pick up another pair of jeans.
I bought some from MadeWell last month and they are AMAZING!!!! See, I have a booty and long legs. It's not always easy to find a pair of jeans for someone like me.
I walk into the denim bar (so many "bars" in Los Angeles!!) in the back, and spot the pair I wanted.
YES!! I thought holding them up.
The price tag wasn't too great, but again, self care and I NEVVEERR buy things for myself. Everything is ALWAYS a sponsorship so to say yes, I want this, was a loving gesture to myself. I work hard damnit, I need to ENJOY myself.
I step over to the right and almost hit the woman in front of me.
She then turns around and I notice it's Tegan from Tegan and Sara.
I'm a huge ... HUGE ... HUUUGGGEEEEEEEE Tegan and Sara fan.
Closer is not only one of my favorite songs, but has genuinely helped me through this "new chapter" I've been experiencing this past year.
I even have a new chapter playlist on spotify FTR!!!
In LA you see celebs morning, noon, and night while I GREATLY respect people's privacy to see one of your FAVORITE artists IN PERSON ... RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ... WHILE their song is your ABSOLLUUTTEEE favorite is a super powerful thing.
Trying to keep cool, but express excitement, I walked over.
I whisper to not draw attention ...
I just wanted to say I'm a very big fan and looking forward to Coachella very much.
<tangent> Tegan and Sara are performing at Coachella and JBL was AMAZINNNGGGGG enough to offer up not only this INSANE VIP experience but tickets to the show, hotel, private parties ... BEYOND amazing. I'm insanely, insanely grateful and TEGAN AND SARA ARE WHO I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST!!! </tangent>
She smiled graciously, as she said thanks so much for listening.
Her kindness made me love her even more, and made me want to put her in my pocket THAT MUCH MORE, only I couldn't because that's called kidnapping.
Stupid laws.
Whatever.
I wound up not getting the jeans since they didn't have the wash that I wanted, but my inner child was quite pleased not only having been listened to, but because I got to FREAAKKKK OUTTTTT on the inside about seeing someone I'm so INSANELY obsessed with!!!
I then went back to the Genius Bar sometime later, and found out that my baby needed to stay overnight for a repair.
It's the logic board, he said.
Will she be okay, I asked genuinely concerned.
3-5 days he said, asking me to fill out the acceptance of Apple Care's coverage on his iPhone.
You know, it's funny, I say. An hour before this went caput I posted on Facebook and tweeted that Jesus should have known it's pics or it didn't happen. Zombie Jesus: 1 Me: 0.
I looked up feeling proud of my insanely weird humor. He looked back disgusted, non-emotional, and overall ... unamused.
3-5 days. Do you need validation?
Yes, I thought and not because of the parking, but rather for my humor.
Not even a SMIRK?!?! Pretend smile?!?! SOMETHING!?!?!?
Fail, Friel. Fail.
I then went home and popped on over to a spin class.
I bumped into my buddy Christy (who had texted me prior asking which class I was going to. Christy was the one that got me such a great deal at my gym in general. She knew a dude who gave me a rate and ... yeah).
I had seen Christy the day before, but had only caught up with what she had been up to. It was now my turn.
Besides spinning, she said, which you are clearly very passionate about - what's been going on?
I'm great! I said. I'm at a place where I'm wondering now what's next.
What do you mean? she asked.
I'm good at what I do, but it's not who I am. I want to get married and I want to pop babies out of my belly. That's why I spin so much. Less to do with the activity more to do with the disconnect it provides.
I get it, she said.
I then told her about the charity I am working with and how I want to devote a certain amount of my time moving forward to philanthropic ventures.
Outside of finishing my book, and whatever they need from me on the TV side of things - I'm good. I can build things, connect people, and make money. But what does it all mean at the end of the day? What am I REALLY doing?
Class was then interrupted by one of the managers saying that they apologize but they thought they had cancelled the class.
Due to the holiday, we assumed this class would be cancelled. We apologize for the inconvenience and can offer everyone a coupon to the Asian buffet place, he said very very excited.
Christy laughed, that's pretty much the opposite of a thousand calorie workout.
I laughed agreeing, asking her if she wanted to grab a coffee.
No, I'm good she said. Just going to go for a quick hike.
We then high fived as I bopped back home grateful for the extra hour and a half.
Furthering the self care, I then did laundry, cleaned my room, and took care of things I claim "I have no time for."
I have only my backup computer (which is a macbook and not my SUPER PRETTY MACBOOK PRO RETINA!!!), phone battery is almost dead. I guess I did get a tech disconnect today.
I then made myself my favorite dinner from childhood, and waited for my buddy Hermione to come over to discuss a proposal we are presenting tomorrow.
As she sat down on the couch a few hours later, we first caught up on personal sch-tuff.
I want to settle down, I told her. I've been over this for almost a year, but now I'm like BEYOND over it. It doesn't feed my soul the same way it used to.
She understood, as she is in a similar position. We are equally insane, and equally enjoy having the MOST amount of fun in ANY moment at ANY time.
Despite what may be read about her via a google search she is an EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY great girl, OFF THE CHARTS smart, and a VERY hard worker. You have to be very prudent who you work with in tech as everything is a very small world, and your reputation is everything - this girl knows her shit AND has a fun time doing it!!
Wait, that was kinda gross. K, moving on ...
</tangent>
She then told me that not only did IVF go up to the HIGHEST it has ever been financially, but the number one consumer is late 30s white, educated women.
My 10 year plan (if my 5 year extends without my intended personal goal) is to get IVF. It is ABSOLUTELY without a doubt that now based on not only my own brand building, but other companies I have invested interest in - I am going to be extremely set financially for however long. (And if I can budget with $10 to my name for a year, you KNOW I can make this money work for me.)
I don't want to hustle for my children though. I want to provide them with a safe, abundant, and loving environment. I obviously don't know what that is going to look like just yet, but I am SUPPEERRR confident I will get to the point where I will figure that part out.
It was amazing, btw to hear not only my friend and business associate say that so honestly, but to know that she meant it. She really wants to have kids, and I do too!! And we're BOTH not afraid to have careers and pursue it while we still can. That's GREAT!!!!!!!!
I don't know what anything in my life means right now, but I know I am okay with it. I am doing the self work, showing up for my own life, and doing WHATEVER it is going to take to Miyagi the SHIT out my life and figure this all out.
Besides, worst case scenario is that we're all dead in 60 or so years. Might as well go there with a few stories of things I tried versus regrets of missing out on things I really wanted.
I.
Want.
This.
Time to go and get it.
=)